would you?

[hurtandconfued2016]

Just wondering my ex asked (more like demanded) me today when we where registering our daughter when he could see the kids again. Hasn't seen our son in a month and only met his daughter today (2 weeks old). I said that he couldn't take new baby away on his own I would need to be there whilst he is seeing her. He went mental at me and has now not bothered to make plans to see them tomorrow.
My question is would you give your 2 week old away for hours? I suggested going to soft play or something and we could rotate with the kids so we didn't have to sit near each other but he said no to that too..

Well that's all lovely for him but where are you and the children to live? Under a rock would be his first choice.

Just be wary of his Mum, if it's a choice she will probably always side with him.

Iam- he doesn't care about any of us!
He is due to drop my son off in 20 mins and I feel sick at having to see him. I have put my phone on to record the conversation so when I go to the lawyer If he says anything I have it in proof.

If he does then just close the door on his face.

I did. I didn't speak 2 words to him I just took my son and closed the door :)

Good for you!

Good, you're getting angry! Remember that when you start thinking about what could have been, or how you could have held on to your relationship. This 'man' is no prize and even though I don't have a crystal ball, I can see exactly how his life will play out. He'll never grow up, never settle down and will be dependent on whoever will put up with him until he loses his 'charms' . You're well out of it trust me. Now you can start living your life and do what's right for you and your children. I know this is tough but it will be the making of you, and your little family will come out of this stronger

I am getting even more angry as the night goes on! I told him our son needed a haircut and I can't take him for one (he gets distressed and kicks and if he kicks my belly I would be screwed) then today he shows up new haircut and my son? NO he hasn't had one.
I have decided he isn't a father he is a babysitter!
Don't get me wrong when I seen him all dressed up smart I did feel a little sad but then the anger took over me

Bit late but my opinion on this is:

Don't talk to him anymore until you have had legal advice. Don't even say you won't talk, just don't do it. Don't put your cards on the table at all regarding anything, SS or missing items. Say nothing. Do. Stop telling him how you feel. He doesn't care.

I would think of taking up SS involvement. I had no say in their involvement initially (DV) but it was for the best. They should be able to help you. Have you also got a health visitor to talk to about your son? It would also be a way to get everything documented. It's upsetting but pretty normal he lashes out. He's only young and has had two massive changes in his life. You sound in a very vulnerable position and you need as much backup as possible as it seems your ex's parents are as bad as him.

My break up was different from yours (and I wasn't recovering from C-section or with newborn) but I was desperate initially for my kids to keep in touch with my exh and his family. People on my thread put me right and I soon realised it wasn't going to happen in the way I hoped. I'm a complete softie really but the way my ex and his family behaved I had to snap out of it. Self-preservation was the only way, and fast. Sounds like you really need to do this.

Your ex/his family are really only interested in themselves and their cash. Don't tell your mil how you feel about your ex. I mean ...she and her husband are taking curtains from your house. The bunch of them are awful. Don't press for contact or tell you ex what to do. Make a note but ignore, don't enter into discussions. I would do everything (including contact) by email, business like, discuss nothing verbally, don't explain or justify. Save your energy to get better and to look after your DCs. Perhaps you're doing it already but I would keep detailed written records of everything and a diary. Basically my mindset has been, I'm on my own with the kids, I can't rely on ex and family, how do I sort myself out now?

And don't take it the wrong way, but your son will be fine without a haircut for a few weeks

Is be very concerned about them removing stuff from the house and selling it, those are assets to be decided at court not by them!
Have you told your brief they are taking stuff?
How fuckkng dare they!

Sorry ladies been spending the day with my little boy :)
I am struggling a little today! Last night my mind was going crazy the whole night despite being given sleeping tablets.
With the ss what was your experience like? I'm just scared he will say I'm a bad mother for it.
Ledkr - yes I told her and she said we will discuss it at my next appointment. The thing that is annoying me to is I paid nearly 3000 towards the car and he has taken it! So I'm left without a car and put all that money into his car but not asking for it back or anything

After all he's done and your scared HE will say you're a bad Mother?! What leg does he have to stand ob to say that bullshit - none! You have nothing to prove to him Hurt, you KNOW you're a good Mum and that's why you're contemplating SS because of him being, a bad Father - not the other way around! xx

He may try and throw that one at you but only in an attempt to make you doubt yourself and bully you into changing your mind and doing it 'his way'.

Have you done a list for your solicitor yet? The car needs to be included on it, together with anything and everything taken from the house.

Having a emotional day today for some reason!
I just keep blaming myself for the kids not seeing him and him leaving me still it annoys me that I blame myself but for some reason I can't stop!
I just worry with ss I have never heard a good story about their involvement.
Iam - I sure have wrote a big length list the other day.
I still haven't heard from him about the shopping centre meet up and I have just realised that he has my son on Tuesday!/Wednesday and his parents are away. I'm now having panic attacks will he be able to look after him? How will he collect him because he needs his dad to escort him? Will he invite the ow over to the house to meet my son? I'm so worried about it.

You can't change your ex's personality or control his actions. The reason you blame yourself is all the put downs you have been subjected to, but the only reason you have been put down is to gain control over you.

Why wouldn't he be able to look after him? Can he not do anything on his own? Also, why does he need his Dad to escort him?

You will have shit days but they will get less and less especially when u have sorted stuff out and are feeling better phyiscally.

Only you can say if you think he will look after your son. If you have really serious doubts then don't let him but maybe him not being nurse maided by his folks will help him man up a bit

I am - he doesn't stick to routine at all. He isn't a very proactive person he wouldn't sit and think okay he needs changed, it's nearly dinner time I should start to sort it out. When I livid with him he would wait till he was hungry to feed my wee boy if I was at work (which could have been 8pm). He said that someone in my family has threatened him. He said he can't face me himself also claims someone in my family threatened him. (I went through their phones and they haven't)
Ledkr - I will wait and we if he wants to see him I have a feeling because his parents won't be their he will cancel

Well record that carefully as it shows him as incapable.
Pity soneone doesn't threaten him, he deserves it.
I suspect he will eventually but bother with then which I know is heartbreaking but two of mine have nothing to do with their dad and they are just fine, it's been better for us in the long run as we are able to get on with our lives and not share christnas's or holidays. No annoying ex popping up all the time.
When you meet someone else (and u will) it will be far easier.

Fucks sake....PLEASE PLEASE get Social Services involved. And considering that you never ever "have" to utter the words "you are not seeing your children". That's his opportunity to mess up.

Just read this thread in its entirety and the OP isn't clear once at all about why there's all this texting and doorstepping and shit, just that "I don't want him to throw me not allowing him to see the kids back in my face".

My darling OP, it is evident you still hold out hope he will come to his senses and your family unit restores. You are vulnerable, you have just had a new baby, his parents are arseholes....but you have to drop this dream as it won't happen. EVER. He's showing you time and again.

So contact SS. They are there for you as he wont be. Your children deserve a happy mum and a stable environment. Persisting with dealing with it solo is not working and your kids will suffer, I'm sorry.

It's time well overdue for you to look out for you and them and use official channels only.

No court in the land would mistake your actions as withholding access, but I don't think your issue is truly about that at heart.

You have a dream that sadly won't come true. Time to aim for a new dream life where you and your two kids are happy and independent and loving it.

Sorry for any harshness but you need to wake up and start manning (womaning) up ASAP.

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life

I've read your previous threads, only just seen this one. His behaviour is disgraceful. I think I'd get SS involved too. So sorry you are going through this.

Hurt to answer your question my experience was that SS did their job. There's nothing to be worried about, quite the opposite. I had no choice because of the DV and no time to analyse the situation initially tbh. I meant in my post that you mustn't worry about getting them involved. My exh loathed it but it helped me when it came to court. If the counsellor suggests it I imagine she has good intentions and thinks it will help you and that there are grounds for them to be involved. Ask her again. Have you got a health visitor or a midwife with whom you could discuss all this?

I imagine neither your ex nor his parents want SS or anyone else involved. They don't want anyone to know what they're up to. Your ex has a cushy number with you doing all the work and his parents looking after your son when he has him. Your counsellor sees what a tricky and vulnerable situation you're caught in and wants to help you and for you to get all the support you should get and maybe aren't getting right now.

I wouldn't chase the Tuesday meet-up or any meet-up for that matter. Don't contact him at all. Make a note if he doesn't contact you and carry on. It's not your fault he can't seem to function without his parents. And let him contact you for the time after too.

Hope things get better for you soon.

Ledkr - in a way wish I hadn't forced contact and just let him leave would be a lot easier for me.
2 many - I know I will never have that family unit right now I don't want the family unit I just want him to step up and show passion in wanting to be active in their life and decision making.
Lunar - thanks :)
Astranti- I have a health visitor I have my 6 week check on Tuesday. I will speak to her then. Yeah I'm not chasing him and if he does reply I won't be replying instantly either it has taken him nearly 5 days to reply and he's leaving it till the day before to actually speak to me or not!

Just leave him to himself. Don't contact him about contact this week.

You're right, he'll probably cancel. Just be sure you document that HE cancelled and what he said. And remember, if he asks you to bring them to him, that refusing to do so is NOT obstructing contact!!! He'll probably try to guilt you or push you just hoping that you'll refuse so he can 'absolve' himself from blame and go on his merry way with OW. But there is nothing that obligates you to traipse all over town to make it easy for him to see the children. It is HIS responsibility as an 'adult' (cough cough) to provide his own transportation. He needs to start wiping his own arse instead of expecting everyone else do to it for him!

Across - you actually made me laugh/smile for the first time today!
I honestly don't know where I would be if it wasn't for all of you! It's so great to just talk about it with people who aren't involved in it!

So he eventually text today telling me that meeting me in a shopping centre isn't access and that if I don't want to be there then he should be taking her on his own! She's 6 weeks old!! Am I wrong for saying no? He has only spent 3 days with her since she was born.

FFS.

He is TOTALLY unreasonable to want to take a 6 week old baby away from its mother.

In the nicest possible way, you need to grow a backbone about this