Curious to hear from people who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL but just unsatisfying

[All0vertheplace]

Have you made the tough choice to leave a marriage -- not because of abuse or an affair, but just because you were mismatched and things weren't working out.

If so, how was that decision, and how have your life and relationships been since?

Call of Duty? Really????

Hey all I'm glad I found this thread, I'm in the process of dealing with this very situation at the moment. My marriage is ok, my husband is a good man he works and pays for the house and bills, he's a great and devoted dad. It could be so much worse. However, our sex life has always been a bit lacking - he doesn't have much of a libido and I do. He has zero motivation to plan any improvements on the immediate life we have , such as holidays, days out, keeping the house up and running (and I am talking basics here like hot water - we've been without it for two years). All that stuff is down to me to try and sort out on zero to little budget. I've literally been climbing around him pregnant trying to decorate our very shabby house while he sits and watches telly in the past. He cannot have any sort of emotional conversation or recognise any of the problems we have, which periodically I bring up, and bring up, then get angry and explode at him. He listens silently, and carries on regardless.

However he is not a bad person, he just isn't like me I guess. Last year I got a job (I previously worked from home and earned very little). I'm still earning a very small wage, but it's made me realise I can get out there and earn my own money, i could be independent and I could live my life without having to crowbar his participation out of him for every part. I can't quite afford a mortgage or rent on just my salary (I Ironically work for a homelessness charity) but I'm hoping I could get housing benefit to top up. My kids are nine and eleven, both boys.

I'm terrified of breaking up the family. I'm worried about breaking his heart. I'm worried finanically I'm going to balls up our life and the kids will hate me for it. BUT I know I can't stay like this either. I am really unhappy, Im snappy and miserable and I don't want the kids to grow up thinking that's how I am - genuinely I'm quite chipper as a person, but I feel like I've been plodding though treacle the last few years and I know I've been miserable.

Terrifying though, isn't it? I've broached the subject. He suggested date nights. I suggested that two years ago, but of course it didn't happen. :(

Anyway just to say, I'm just trying to figure out how i can do it, and when I should tell him. This thread has given me a little hope that it could work out all ok in the end.

My exh was playing call of duty whilst I was in labour!! - I was pacing the floor in tears waiting for him to take me to hospital..

God yes I relate to being snappy and miserable around him. I'm just infuriated by it all.
I'm a naturally optimistic, chipper person but at the moment I'm stressed and uncomfortable. Can't relax when we are in the same place.
I feel much much better for knowing I have a plan. Also dd (3) is young enough that I can protect her. I also feel like I owe it to her to give her a good model of relationships, not this awkward flatmate vibe that we have at the moment

Yes. I swing between being relieved that I know now what I must do, and sheer panic at the turmoil it will cause. I'm freaking out hugely about the finances too and obsessively searching property letting a to see if I could afford it.

Well ladies after reading all your comments I know I'm doing the right thing just now. I left my husband on Monday I took my 2 boys my cat and dog!! And drove 3half hours to my parents house! I've been contemplating leaving for years, we pretty much lived seperate lives, he never done anything with the kids and was a nasty drunk. After coming home drunk on Sunday at 4am being called a fucking slag and throwing me across the kitchen I knew it was time to go. So here I am, nerves wrecking me hoping I have done the right thing. Worried where I am gong to live and how I will afford it as I've had to leave my job behind. As for thinking of a new partner that thought hasn't even crossed my mind, I just want to sort myself and my children out. So ladies fingers crossed I find a wee house soon. Dreading emailing my work on Monday to say I won't be returning, and telling the kids school they won't be coming back. Ps my kids are doing great, so far! My eldest heard most of the carry on last week so he isn't best pleased with his dad and hates his drinking the wee one really doesn't seem to be bothered, I think because he his forces and is away a lot of the time they are very used to him being absent.
I was always told the hardest part is leaving, so that parts done..... I just wish I didn't have to be crashing at my parents house (they smoke and have there own pets) but at the same time I'm very grateful they are here and are able to put a roof over my head for the time being! Wish me luck ladies xxxx

It's as though MN has read my mind! I, too, am in a deeply unhappy place with my marriage. Been together 25 years, and married for nearly 19 of them. One DC who is thankfully in her last year at school with plans to do a gap year next year.

I am already struggling with the thought she won't be around much next year. She's the only one who gives me any affection in our house. My sex life with DH is tolerable when it happens about twice a month, but I feel so used.

I feel used as a cook, housekeeper, taxi driver, events organiser, domestic PA and general dogsbody. I get nagged and shouted at if his 'list' of jobs hasn't been done. He blames it on increasing work stress, which I understand, but it's gone on far too long. He works at weekends shut away in his study when he's not out doing his hobbies. I'm at my wits end and cannot work out just how much longer I can hang on for. I'm a SAHM.

Very interestingly, I had a chat with his work PA today. Cannot put anything in diary during the week without recourse to her as DH out or away on business so much. She is obviously suffering from his outbursts, too, as she asked me if he'd ever had any anger management. I thought that was very telling.

Star85. Don't leave that job! It can provide more protection than moving near your parents.

Before you send that email, working at least 16 hours a week makes you entitled to tax credits which make a huge difference when it comes to raising kids on your own. You can check what you are likely to be entitled to at www.entitledto.org.uk

Ishouldcocoa. Sorry to hear you are also on this boat. Do you have a good set of friends/family around? If he is spending all of his time at work and travelling so much, he is covering all the bills, and considering your child is now practically an adult who doesn't require the same level of care as a young kid, it may make sense to see this time as the perfect one to retrain to find a job.

Once that you have the job, the social interaction with colleagues and an income to help you support yourself, I'm sure you will feel more confident to make a life on your own.

Going back to the issue of what you take/leave (in terms of belongings) when you split, I told exh that, since he was the one moving out that he could take anything he needed from the house. I was not particularly attached to anything that was at home (but the walls and roof). What I found annoying was him sneakily coming to my house when I was out, and after he had already removed everything he wanted, to take even more stuff while I was out. By the time, he had his own house and this one was mine, so I really felt as if he was stealing from me.

Somebody mentioned about how to split the wedding presents, honestly, don't worry about this, it is unlikely you care in the same measure for the same object. We had a lot of valuable stuff at home that were a gift from his family, so he stressed the point he would like to take them. Honestly, by then I didn't want to have at home ANYTHING that remind me of his family, so I was very pleased to hear he was taking them with him.

Has anyone left anyone they really really liked? A lot of the posts seem to be about deeply unhappy marriages where leaving seems the obvious option. But what about if you're best friends but just not lovers? I love living with him but the thought of never having sex again makes me sad - but then the thought of only seeing dd half the week makes me even sadder. Just don't know what to do...

Memysonandi, staying in my job is not an option, I'm only on a temp contract till the summer. Being home and starting fresh is what I need, I will hopefully get another job here once I start the kids at a new school. Just wish getting a place of my own was much easier. X

Good luck star85
You're doing the best thing for yourself and your dc's

Thank you jobchanger4, I know in the long run this is the right thing to do xx

MeMy - thank you for your kind words. My DM is busy coping with my DF who has dementia and a host of other health issues. I cannot pile any more 'crap' into her life. I'm the one that supports her; she will crumble if I told her how I felt. I think if I presented her with a 'fait accompli', then that would be better.

My DB has never really got on with DH, so I know exactly what DB will say, and I'm not sure I really want to hear it. I've talked to friends in the past about it, but they say to keep on trying with the marriage. I mean, some times are tolerable and even enjoyable, but most of its not...

But you're right in that I need to retrain for another career. I thrive on mixing with other people - my volunteering proves that to me - I just need to decide what to do.

DH is very against me getting a job. Says I can 'hardly cope' running this house. I think I've just lost the will to run it, and with the constant flack I get from him about what I haven't done - its hardly surprising is it?

He doesn't want anything to change as his set up at the moment suits him very well.

I was looking for this thread today. It seems there are so many of us in this position. Treading water, in relationships that are sucking the joy out of life.

After counselling we have decided it isn't going to work and we are going to split up. it feels like it's me more than him. He still loves me, he says. I just can't see things changing and he has lost my trust.

I have spoken to a few friends and I know some of them will judge me for splitting up our family, for what they see as selfish reasons. I am being selfish in some ways, but also looking out for our DD who does not need to grow up in a tension filled environment, where her parents do everything separately and where I am so unhappy.

I am scared about what the future holds, but trying to hold on to the decision I've made. It's strange the atmosphere at home has lightened already, but I think it's us both breathing a sigh of relief that we have come to a decision.
Good luck to all of you out there. I'm only at the beginning of the end, but I have hope for a brighter future.

Sounds like the start of a new chapter.

Star85 - good luck in your new start. I'm not sure if the rules are the same where you are now (did you say Scotland?) - but in England, if you have a close family member such as a parent living in the area, you are classed as having a "Local Connection" and therefore you can apply for Local Authority housing. It will depend on wether you have savings or your own house, and if so you will need to sell the house first. For most benefits you can have savings up to £16.000 before they affect your claim (though i THINK they might take into account any interest from them). So if that's an option for you, you may be able to claim Housing Benefit and privately rent or apply for a council place :) There are also options like help to buy if you have a deposit, and a decent wage coming in. I've been looking at that but my job is a temporary contract and I don't earn enough,though I will have a lump sum from the house so I think i'm scuppered both ways lol.

QumQuat, yes, I am in that situation. DH and I get on really well, he's my mate. We like each other in general, and we make a good team as parents. However, it is very much like having a flatmate rather than a husband. The friendship and companionship side is ok (and I say ok because we don't really share any common interests and he's absolutely not interested in going out with just me, only if we have friends with us too) but the emotional/romantic/libido side is totally absent. I do love my dh, in a very "he's been in my life for seventeen years and we are mates" way, but not in a romantic way, I think I turned that off a few years ago because I got nothing back from him. I wouldn't say I love living with DH, I find it quietly suffocating, but it certainly is financially and logistically easier. However i think it would be kinder to both of us to split, in the long run. I just have to screw up my courage to tell him that and deal with the inevitable shit storm that will follow!!

I can't remember how to tag other people in your post, it's years since Ive been on mumsnet - can someone tell me, do you just bold it or is there a way they get notified if you reply to them? :) thanks

qumquat and whatwouldkimdealdo...i did.....

my exdh was literally great most of the time, and nearer the end he was everything anyone could want...except we did not have any sexual spark.

and becuase i had had an affair, i knew what i was missing.

but believe me...my exdh or should that be dexh ? is such a nice man ....he was great dad, worked hard , was supportive of my job which took me away from home a lot....he is a wonderful dad, really involved , he just bored me .....and that was my fault becuase i had met a man who didn't and i wanted to be with him.

I feel a bit like an uninvited guest to this thread but I come from the other side of this sad situation.

Three months ago my DH left home after 24 years of marriage. There is no one else. He just said he wasn't happy. I could feel him withdrawing but he never told me why he was miserable and never gave me a chance to fix it. He says it's not me, it's him and that I was a wonderful wife!

This has devastated me. We see each other regularly as we have a teenage DD but my life has been ripped away from me. I have lost my confidence and do not know what the future holds. I'm taking each day as it comes.

I know some of you have husbands /partners who have treated you badly and I can understand why you would want to make the break. But some of you have said that your DH 's are good men who love you. Obviously no one knows what goes on behind closed doors but if you do have somebody loving and loyal in your life, please please do everything possible to try and fix it before breaking their heart. If you say it's going to come out of the blue for them then you have not afforded them this courtesy.

Hooch, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It's not fair when there is no warning.
The future holds whatever YOU want it to.

Hiddlesnake - unfortunately I want my old life back but that decision is out of my hands

hooch you are welcome on the thread.

the problem lies in the fact that often the person leaving or thinking of leaving does not want to fix the problem

I can only say I am sorry you are hurt and devastated but should your husband have stayed and been miserable for the rest of his life ? As you say he has said it wasnt anything you were doing or not doing...what could you or he have 'fixed'

Jellybean - yes I do think that after 24 years I did deserve to be told what was making him unhappy and been given a chance to resolve it if within my capabilities.

As it is, I am the one who is now miserable.

I did this a few years ago - fed up with having worked full time, taken kids to afterschool activities etc etc. In other words, done everything for the DCs while he came in from work, ate dinner and fell asleep in a chair until bedtime.

Kids had left home by this time, but I realised it was for their sakes that I'd stayed with him. Happy now with new DP - not so well off financially but that outweighs what it would have been like had I remained.