Curious to hear from people who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL but just unsatisfying

[All0vertheplace]

Have you made the tough choice to leave a marriage -- not because of abuse or an affair, but just because you were mismatched and things weren't working out.

If so, how was that decision, and how have your life and relationships been since?

I strongly suspect that my DH is aspergers. Got him to fill out an online assessment thing which said "Rainman, dude, you're just not that great with people".

Which was a strange one, because it EXPLAINED lots, but, also, meant that this was never going to change.

So, I'm stuck trying to keep myself sane with someone who will never be able to meet my needs.

Kind of exhausting. And, I suspect, a pointless exercise.

Evening all. Just checking in as I haven't been on here for a couple of weeks I think.
AllOver wishing you all the good luck and nice vibes for your new flat.
How is everyone else?
We are having counselling, and have agreed (me, H and the cousellor) that for the time being we only discuss our relationship at counselling. I'm happy with that, especially with H's previous form for manipulative language.

I hope everyone is doing ok

That sounds like a very positive idea Floundering
Stealth that must be incredibly hard, although it holds an explanation, it doesn't really provide answers to move forward with. I guess that's why I am dubious of suggesting my P have any form of assessment. If he was in fact diagnosed with a personality disorder, it would make it extremely difficult to leave on the basis I don't love him. A kick while he is down I suppose. Very selfish and cowardly of me at the same time.

Hermione, yep. If he'd got a ghastly disease or horrible injury that meant he wasn't the same person, I'd stay. But, he kind of tricked me into marriage - the person I dated was all "let so here, let's do this, let's travel" and now...he sits in one room and I sit in another. He has a job, I pick up work that fits in with his job and manage all the kids, including the chronically sick one that he's never come to an appointment about. Actually, that's unfair, he did coe once, to a GI appointment about his puking as a secondary effect to his illness. Sat there, with his head in hands, tutting. Not that helpful. He's Never been to a parents night at school. But then, he was aspie before I married him - I just didn't realise I was a project (he has new projects now, either gardening or iPad based. FFS)

Stealth I can really relate to that.
I think having come from a rubbish childhood and a terribly abusive previous relationship, all of the dating talk of exploring, ambition and happiness dwindled immediately after we moved in together. But because it wasn't AWFUL I stayed, lowered expectations and all that. But I didn't realise how much I looked forward to the life we talked about, the one that I yearn for in place of our daily routine. We have never been on holiday (I haven't ever had a holiday of any kind in my life) and despite his well-travelled past, he doesn't have that ambition now. He would always recommend places that children would enjoy because he enjoyed them as a child, places that were beautiful, holidays that were new and exciting (and I don't just mean the expensive ones). If I was single, a holiday would be priority, be it camping in the next County! I have suggested a weekend simply doing this, so many times, but "we can't afford it, I wish we could, but we can't." I suppose that is half true, but his priority really is purchasing junk. We have literally £ks worth of stuff he has purchased for discarded hobbies over the last year or so alone, so things can't be that fraught. I just think he isn't able to see from any different viewpoint. He has the best intentions (most of the time) but it never reflects in reality. So he believes everything he buys is a bargain because he sources it cheaper than he sees things sell on amazon, and doesn't realise that small repeated expenditure builds up despite me writing a list of costs and giving it to him, he was in utter disbelief and denial

Money's a flashpoint here too. He does it all. He's very, very good at it, but, has no concept that I am supposed to be an equal partner. I simply have no idea where the accounts or direct debits are because he moves them all the time and I gave up asking.

I'm deeply fed up.

But, the vows, I promised "for better, for worse" - and I struggle with the idea of turning our kids' world upside down because our marriage is disappointing. There are grounds for divorce, his unreasonable behaviour - but, morally, how can I cite that when his behaviour is led by his (suspected) autism?

Of course, he's not diagnosed.

stealth You sound as hopeless as I feel, this thread is great for support though.

I've spent an interesting half an hour reading about divorce and what "unreasonable behaviour" is in the eyes of the law.

Seems I have grounds for divorce. Which I'm not ready to use, but, it's strangely validating to read that the law thinks it's him, not me...

Therapeutic.

Backtracking - there have been loads of posts and I'm on the train - expect typos!!
Shandy - be brave - I hear you.
Stealth - you are doing great
Josian - hope you are recovering well
Hermione - hope you have had a better day
Instinctively - you don't mention your DH towards the end of your post? I assume he left?
Floundering - hope everything is ok?
Steal - surprising what constitutes unreasonable behaviour or where your tolerance is being tested or you are being neglected.
AllOver - are you ok? Think you will need to be back to start part II at some point?

I started a thread "Aftermath" to try and get some viewpoints from others who may have been in 'this' situation and have managed to get to the other side. I'll bump it in a mo.

Ah well. Home to my 'normality'

Am I ok? Lordy, who knows. I have flashes of ok-ness but I am still too mired in logistics to really know yet. I only got a fridge and washing machine yesterday. Did my first solo Sainsburys shop this evening. All these little firsts. Still, the kids stopped by yesterday and both really loved their beds. Small victories.

Fab Allover. It sounds like things are going as OK as they can.
Sorry about the ASD complications hermione and stealth. I can sympathise although my dh is more the stonewalling type than autistic but I feel for you.
I'm in s frustrating place of needing to go back to counselling and feeling I don't really have faith in the process. Would it be useful for me to clarify the difficulties and build up of issues, yes, but dh seems to only need to reflect on very little.
Big hugs to all.

We've been to counselling as well, shandy. Not at all helpful. I did all the talking, he didn't engage, was very polite, but, just didn't manage to communicate anything meaningful.

I think we need to go back - if only so that I can tick off another thing on my Things Required For A Clean Conscience.

If I can't make it work I have to be able to say to the kids "i tried everything"

He gave me a duty cuddle earlier.

Small victories are vital, Off.

All0ver It must be incredibly tough going through the firsts, I'm sure with time they will feel more positive. I'm glad the children loved their beds, it's a sign that they are positively engaging with the change
As you said, small victories. (I had my own this morning, having slept in the spare room, I actually managed a few solid hours sleep).
Strength to all.

Thanks all. Feeling really bleak and sad this morning. Just a grey rainy day, stopped by the old house to pick up kids for school run, STBXW very frosty and monosyllabic to me, curt, not making eye contact etc. I know she's finding it hard -- I'm finding it hard too, but am constitutionally unable to take it out on her, give her the cold shoulder etc. I guess I wanted us to help each other through this tough time, but maybe that is unrealistic. Meanwhile I am still spending nights in my house and feeling like I am in dreary solitary exile while my family gets on without me. I'm sure that will pass when the kids start spending nights at mine.

I'm sorry, All.

Hang on to wanting to help each other through this tough time, I think that is a gift for your kids. If you can work out being dignified and co-operative then the rest of it will fall into place.

Pretty bloody hard to get right, though.

I had a wee daydream to myself of telling my friend that I had separated from my DH. I felt really good and almost started skipping. That's not a good sign, is it?

Stealth I would actually see that as a good thing, it reinforces the fact that you're doing the right thing.
Allover while your situation sounds tough at the moment, I can't help but hope for when I'm going through that as then at least I'll have made the leap and committed to starting a new life. Things will improve soon, and it's good that the kids like their new beds etc.
I'm feeling really tired at the moment, I'm thinking it will be the end of August before H and I officially split, I need time to get all my ducks in a row and he will need to find somewhere else to live. Although at the moment his stance is that he won't leave our current home and feels I should leave, my stance is that 3 bedroom houses are so rarely available in this area and the kids are settled here so he should be the one to love as a 2 bed flat or house is sufficient for him, and he's less limited in areas etc as he wont be doing school runs etc every day.
It's just all emotionally draining at the moment, made worse by the fact that DH swings from being apologetic for his ridiculous behaviour to saying that it's just a bad few days and it's me who's constantly being negative
Sometimes I just want to run away!

Thanks for the encouraging words, VK86

Just realised I'm going to have to take my wedding ring off at some point. That's going to feel weird.

A pretty raw and wounding conversation with STBXW tonight -- so hard to sit across a table from someone you used to love, and who used to love you, and to just argue about money and blame and recriminations. I feel that in her eyes I am an awful person, the enemy.

It's going to take time Allover and maybe best to have those conversations by email or writing at least for the time being.
Hermione how are you? I can't believe what you put yourself through with the food. Does your dh know how expensive food is, please try and get him to the shops and see how he manages to budget and meal plan adequately to feed you all. Please don't go without yourself. And is there no way you can get a job if you would like to?
I know it's easy to say these things from outside.
Well I've felt very positive today in that I'm starting to see why I must leave dh and believing it's the right thing for us all. But I still feel in a parallel universe because others will be oblivious to my pain and incredulous including my family, but I can't bring myself to tell them before I'm going as I'm sure they will be so disappointed and probably persuade me to stay and I don't think I can stand another birthday let alone Christmas or a holiday! I just wish dh saw it the same way.

Iron et al

So a mixed week of incredible lows and a lot of steadiness.
My stbxh moved out at the end of Feb however we are still in very regular contact due to DC's.

They're based at the family home and we alternate. Weird living out of a bag tbh but it's helped me be more organised.

I don't hurt nearly as much as I did. I've had to bite my tongue so as not to talk in anger to either him or myself (more importantly) It's a situation that was fraught, raw and antagonistic however it's much better, more calm and less stressful.

I'm growing in so many ways and am much stronger than I ever thought possible. As are all of you.

I hope that by painting a picture of a few months down the road will give all of you hope. I'm not so afraid anymore. The future should be bright

Scuse the crappy sentence construction

Instinctively It is good hear the positives from a few months in as you say. I think the first few days/weeks will be incredibly hard, and the highest chance of returning to the dreary situation for fear, guilt, ease...
Shandy I dread him coming shopping, he meanders all over the place and buys utter rubbish. He knows how expensive things are, but he seems incapable of understanding that buying more things will mean the costs add up (He asked how much a fish pie meal cost, £7 for 4 including vegetables etc. It shocked him because the fish was a bargain at £4).
I would love to return to work, I have wanted to for a long time, but because he works already, it's my job to work out the logistics and cost of childcare. I know I won't be able to afford it until after youngest is 2
I feel incredibly guilty at the thought I would rather be working than caring for dc, but it has become monotonous, I am sure they get bored doing the same things day in day out because I can't afford to do anything a little more special. We have forest exploring days, beach trips, attend free events at weekends etc and are creative at home, but I can't help feel they would love to head to a different town, or spend half a day at an indoor play area. (Now I feel awful because it sounds as though I am the one who is bored) I just can't win, I give up.

Hermione please don't feel guilty. We're all different and we know what would work best for ourselves. I have friends who are SAHM, friends who work part time and others full time and they're all great mums although all of us have the odd mothers guilt from time to time. Don't give up on the possibility of work a lot of people barely cover the costs of childcare but it still helps them mentally and too keep their job prospects. If not though time will pass and plan for your return looking at keeping up your skills, an evening class or home study and to give yourself a different outlet.
I'm sure the dcs are fine without any extras but maybe look at a circle of friends approach as they gain loads just from socialising with others as you do.
With regard the shopping, that is so tough for you like having to manage an irresponsible child/adult. So if you left him to shop he would just overspend on junk? Can you maybe do it in a small chunk of time, limiting his potential for damage, eg he does the weekly shop you give him a list and say that's the essentials and say you can add to it a bit, but the budget is ££ and see how it lasts for the week, and how much money is left. I know maybe it won't work but worth a shot and please don't go hungry, or at least share out what's left with you and dh.