Curious to hear from people who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL but just unsatisfying

[All0vertheplace]

Have you made the tough choice to leave a marriage -- not because of abuse or an affair, but just because you were mismatched and things weren't working out.

If so, how was that decision, and how have your life and relationships been since?

Shandy it's finding the strength within. Perhaps not giving a shit if it hurts all involved. My Dad said I need to see the 'bigger' picture if we separate. That what 'we' have is simple compared to how complicated it could become. Basically my Dad 'waited' until my DB 16th Birthday and walked out on my Mum.
He is expecting me to repair everything which I feel is just out of my control. But I am not prepared to wait 11 years before I walk out on 'DH'...
Incidentally, SuperDad ended. He's continuously yawning and doing the bare minimum. Not asked me how I am.
And I haven't drunk. I'm thrilled and hoping to dry out, focus my mind and change things for the better with my inner strength.
It's all so bloody up and down. My head has been clogged up with so much shit and other people's feelings. I started to forget who I am. But I woke up this morning v early feeling refreshed and positive. Will try and dip in and out today.
Hope you're ok AllOver

Iron it made me smile to hear you are feeling positive and refreshed

On a general note, this thread is excellent support, thanks All0ver

I'm glad people are finding it helpful.

How are you today AllOver?

Carrying boxes out of the old house and driving them across town to the new one. Little mementoes keep falling out of books and from bookshelves. Photos, scraps of paper, memories etc. This is hard.

Are you sticking to your guns? Or having major regrets?

Hello all.

Haven't checked in for a few days, a lot's been going on.

Iron I'm glad to hear you're feeling refreshed and more positive.

AllOver it must be hard. Keep your chin up.

H has stopped being Husband/Dad of the year and reverted to normal (as expected). However he has taken to doing extensive spreadsheets on my behalf, looking up new Sky packages and so forth. Kind of sweet, but also sets my teeth on edge as it feels slightly controlling. Also as if he thinks I can't handle finances on my own.

Last week we had a flaming row (cause by him sitting around for two days straight in his pants ) when he should've been at work. I find it very stressful when he hangs around so much. But in the end we managed to calm down and had a very cathartic discussion, ending in a hug.

The plan now is that we tell the DC at the end of June. He'll move into his parents' house sometime soon after that, taking ds2 for sleepovers intermittently to ease him into the separation. Then he'll be looking to buy a flat somewhere nearby, so that when ds2 reaches secondary school age, he can walk to either home. At the moment we have a loose arrangement regarding contact, with H having most weekends unless we arrange otherwise between us.

I have to admit, I have doubts about the ease with which this seems to be happening, and will only fully trust it when he has moved out. Having been through a very difficult and painful divorce before, I find it impossible to believe that it can be done so amicably. Time will tell I suppose.

Iron I had a big wobble yesterday but today has been all about getting on with it. I do have regrets, of course, and I know it's going to be hard. I content myself with the fact that (a) STBXW and I are still basically on speaking terms, and that we are going to be helping each other out in the weeks and months ahead, (b) I'll be living just a few streets away and hence will see the DCs a fair bit, (c) my parents are supporting me as best they can, and (d) I'm still fit and healthy and well groomed and will hopefully get to have a bit of sex-- fun this summer. It's a pretty bleak situation at present*, but if I squint at it I can see it being ok in the long run.

*mornings are especially hard. Anyone else find that? That time between waking up and getting up. That's when the demons really show up.

Checking in.
Haven't drunk for 2 nights! I don't think I've been sober since a family member's funeral which dented me end of March and with all this shit going on I have been completely reliant on having a drink every single night bar one possibly . Antibiotics seemed to have worked wonders not only for the infection but possibly my brain.
DH had 6 cans (6%) tonight and I counted about 6 smokes IYGWIM. If I can stay sober bar sociable drinks with friends which would be rude not to join then I can hopefully start to get my ducks in a row. I pay off a couple of loans but not until Sept 2017!! Loans I took on to pay for shit as he's on a debt thing. But at least that's something to hold onto. Just need to work out how to get to the other side now which seems to fog my mind continuously - guilt, kids, family. You can feel so alone, that you are the inventor of 'leaving' but the amount of threads I read on here and stories you hear. Where you turn from prisoner back to free-spirit/happy? Or am I fooling myself .
AllOver you sound much more optimistic this evening. Further down/up this thread are words something like "I could never imagine not having toe-curling sex ever again"

Well done Iron. Keep it up. The fog will clear and you will find the strength.
Thank you got your comments and yes I am working on the why do I need to please everyone and put my needs first business. Even writing it down looks wrong! Oops. Work still needed, but I know you're right Shodan and hermione, yes others around me would rather I stayed with dh but they won't really be that affected if I don't as in it'll be a bit of a pain but not worth the pain I'm going through and they will get used to it.
I think that's why this in between stage is so hard because so few people will support you because the indecision and not knowing affects them personally as well.
I am so glad of you and my supportive friends they are worth s million. Big love.
Allover I'm thinking of you moving stuff that must be awful splitting things and having to leave stuff.

Are you all OK? No posts all day. Hope you all are...

Tonight is probably my last in this house. Off camping with my son this weekend and then back on Sunday and probably straight to 'my' place.

We had a kind of separation ceremony with the kids tonight. We sat around the dining room table and lit candles and made wishes / promises for the future. A nice idea. Gave the occasion some of the attention and gravitas it needed. Nothing too lengthy or heavy, but just marking the moment.

Allover that sounds really nice esp given the circumstances. I hope the camping goes well and gives you space to re- group.
I'm at sixes and sevens again myself I feel like I'm forging ahead with a new life in my head and living a totally different life in reality. I'm keeping busy to avoid thinking about it but its hurting my head.

AllOver. That must have been really difficult. How were the DC? Hope the camping is fun.
Shandy - I couldn't identify more. What's the point for my own happiness. And I don't think I have the energy. I too am keeping busy. Amazing the quantity of negative emotion that can be bottled up and fakery that can become persona

All0ver that sounds incredibly difficult, but a very positive, inclusive move. Stay strong tonight, I'll dip in if you feel like posting, sending strength your way.
Fab Iron I also am a firm believer in the spirit freeing-ness, so I hope it's real.
Shandy I do that, all day, every day... and then kick myself for having taken any steps toward making it a reality as I go to sleep. Build resolve that tomorrow will hold something and get up without an ounce of strength to do what I know must be done

...for NOT having taken any steps... obviously

I am, right where we started, at the beginning of this thread.

Shit and me Iron. What's happening. Last week I almost walked now I can't summon up any strength and feel a complete failure. I'm causing angst to all my closest and I just can't make the decision in light of dh just carrying I as if there's nothing wrong. Aargh I've no more excuses, no more options other than leaving and I'm almost separated in the same house but still no action.

Can anyone recommend where I get some free financial advice. I just can't get my head round how we can afford 2 separate households. I feel so trapped being here for purely financial reasons. We do have a spare room (second lounge) he or I could move into but after no intimacy for so long I want to date & think that's maybe unfair?

Urg. We had the conversation this morning. Told dh am not sure if I love him anymore. So tough & feels crap hurting someone. He wants to fight for our marriage but I think it's too late. Not sure where to go from here. Maybe trial separation but the logistics will be hell. Bad times ...

HotWater. No advice financially I'm afraid. I have done my own figures (main earner) and we could never afford separate places. I could afford to take on the mortgage but he will never leave. I sleep in DD bottom bunk most nights so the lounge idea could work. Do you have kids? I wouldn't 'date' without making the break.

Shandy. I am watching the footy and he is watching YouTube with headphones on. Wish I was in a pub with mates right now. It's so very sad. A waste of life? Or am I thinking selfishly??

Hello all. I am an uber late arrival. I just found this thread and wanted to say thank you. If nothing else it has taken my mind of my own hell stuff for an entire evening.

I had The Conversation with my H many many many times and was always dismissed utterly by him. He told me I couldn't manage without him (2 meals he cooked in 10 years and I bought the house we live in), he told me the children wouldn't be able to cope if we split etc etc. This man bought nothing to the table apart from fear. I completely lost myself over 10 years and begged him to let us all move on and have a life. The children were living in hell. We had no intimacy, the list of problems goes on. I realise I don't completely for the bill here, although to the outside world we were happily marrieds.

Anyway, we are in the middle of divorce, it's not pleasant. But I really clicked with alls comment about mornings. If I wake at 5am - which has been happening of late - there is no sleep option for me (although I am exhausted) my mind races, all the worries about the children, finances etc just speed through my mind continually and won't stop.

Tonight I may sleep a little better as DS has just climbed into my bed after a nightmare and he always brings with him some beautiful little snuffles and peace.

Those who have made the break . So, so tough. But such a good example to all DCs in the long run.

I lost a very close friend to cancer last year and that was my turning point. This isn't a dress rehearsal. You owe it to yourself to live your life to the full! Life is too precious and there is always something good waiting round the corner (or the next one) eventually.

Sending love, and 'one day at a time' support to all.

Thank you for having me.

Hi. Struggling today.
Feel so sad about everything. Stupid things like Father's Day: I have talked to the dcs about what they would like to get him as a present. I am feeling really sad that we can't go out to lunch and see Secret Life of Pets. I am convinced that film is going to be brilliant and for some reason I am fixating on it as the symbol of everything we can't do together any more.

I hate feeling like this, so cold and sad.

HowBad -- Sorry to hear you're struggling. The cold sad feeling is hard to take, isn't it.

Chocolate -- Welcome aboard, and thanks for sharing your experience.