Curious to hear from people who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL but just unsatisfying

[All0vertheplace]

Have you made the tough choice to leave a marriage -- not because of abuse or an affair, but just because you were mismatched and things weren't working out.

If so, how was that decision, and how have your life and relationships been since?

Iron, you're welcome. I know I find it comforting to know I'm not alone in feeling like this and that's what I was trying to show you.

For what it's worth, here's where I'm at...
I've been reading along with you all (it's called lurking isn't it?!) and got distracted and then decided to 'try' and work at out pointless relationship... It's not working, nor will it ever.

I had 'the discussion' with him of sorts, on Sun evening and nothing has been said since. His only response to what I had to say was that I wasn't taking his child away from him! Nothing about him agreeing or disagreeing with what I said.
He picked up on a few minor bits of what I said and had little snipes about it but then shut back down again.
The following morning he was irate and shouty about me taking his child away from him and shouted at me enough to alert our child to it. Other than that, nothing has been mentioned and he has behaved like normal but not put in anything I had suggested to make things more tolerable.

He's out this evening and I've got a bag ready in the boot of my car just in case me and small person need to evacuate in a hurry. He has form for it but not usually if child is in the house but after the way he responded I'm just being cautious.

I've felt on the brink of tears all week and can hardly bare to look at him let alone speak to him. I'm in such a bad place and there's nothing.

Good grief, sounds terribly hard, FeadHucked. Is it any small consolation to know that SOMETHING is going to change?

It's all hard isn't it All? This situation that we've all found ourselves in is so hard.
But you're right, it is a small consolation that something will change.

In the end he wasn't awful last night and I didn't need to evacuate.
I showed him the bag this morning though and he seemed shocked and a bit upset by it. Kept telling me it had only ever happened once and wouldn't again. My answer to that... That's what they all say.

More for you Iron, I'm so glad you're still replying. You definitely don't sound mad, just as pp said, sad and fed up, which you are most definitely allowed to be.

Fead glad you didn't have to leave your home like that. I know well enough from my last relationship when you feel like that it is soul-destroying
Gruffalotattoo You sound incredibly strong (especially with regard to dc), I hope things are continuing without too much pain.
All0ver I can't even seem to find the consolation in things being over finally. I just feel so much guilt for giving up and giving in.
Last night he kissed me while asleep, I must have been dreaming and repsonded and only had a vague recollection this morning. The memory is actually making my stomach turn, I can't understand why it feels so awful. I pushed it away as a dream, but received a text from him to say it was a lovely kiss and hopes I enjoyed it. I feel physically sick. What is wrong with me?!

That sounds like a very confusing and slightly manipulative thing for him to do. You shouldn't be too hard on yourself for being thrown by it.

Hi everybody.

I come to this thread every day to help me try to rationalise my situation. I'm 89% certain I'm doing the right thing, however the other 11% is really fecking loud, insistent

I'm done with attempting to justify my decision. I'm done with taking on ninety million opinions.

Been separated since last August. I think I'm over the worst of the pain & devastation. Still a bit sad, but on balance, quite looking fwd to the future.

Don't underestimate the physical stressors associated with being under the same roof. ExDH only moved out in Feb. I was pretty sick in March which in attributing to a reduction in stress in my body, if you know what o mean?

So please consider building your physical strength, using a tonic or similar to help you through the aftermath...

Much love

Hi All. Quick self-indulgent post. I fell out with 2 people last week - one being my Mother. Both important to me. Seems I like to kill anything that gets close within an inch of me. Perhaps I have hit the self destruct button. Possibly on purpose too.
Went to the docs this afternoon and asked her to put me down. I have a knee injury which is taking ages to settle but means I'm out of my sports activity for now. That has peed me off over the last week as it was my focus and an outlet. I have a (huge) infection in my lip - which looks like major botox. Last night I had heat stroke and drank again and fell out with my friend.
So. I am on antibiotics and my head is in a fog. DH has been lovely. Typically. First day back at work today. I am totally run down and exhausted. I need to refocus my mind and sort my shit out but I need to be well in it first.

I will read posts tomorrow. Hope you are all OK

Instinctively -- Thanks for posting. 89% is exactly right. Today that 11% is hurting like a mofo. I may need to write a little list of all the reasons I am doing this. Something I can refer to when I have a wobble.

Iron -- So sorry to hear about your falling outs, and about the tough situation you are in generally.

Thanks AllOver. Hope you're your wobble has subsided?

Wobble still in full effect. I am gripped by a heavy and painful sense that I am Making a Terrible Mistake.

I'm sorry. I don't know what to suggest. I am putting on my happy face as I don't want to face up to the reality again I think. I've had a shitty few days and my strength has disappeared.
And I've never felt so lonely in my heart as I do at this point.
AllOver

room for another? I bring and

I identify with you all so very much, won't go deeply into my story.. but I fear I have totally checked out. DH is away on business... I am in heaven in a peaceful non stressy house. I know it's terrible, but i don't miss him one iota.

He of course declares his undying love on his first day away but I know it will be back to passive aggressive crap on his return.

Gah being grown up is tough. I wish i was stronger!

Hope to share your journeys....

A

AIBU to feel narked at the language my STBXW is using to frame the situation?

When I talk about it to people, I present it as a mutual agreement that things have run their course, a joint decision to separate. Which it really is, even though technically it's her more than me who has been pushing for it.

She, meanwhile, talks of me 'leaving' or 'walking out' (she is staying in pur lovely home, because apparently that's 'what mums do', while I am moving down the road into rented accommodation without so much as s cheesegrater to my name) she is also describing herself as a 'single mum' despite the fact that we have agreed to a 50 /50 split of time with the kids.

I don't know, and I certainly don't want to come across as bitter, but does any of that sound 'off' to you?

(Sorry, meant to say hi to Mums4wine -- welcome aboard the good ship 'Unsatisfying But Not Awful'!)

Not sure AllOver. I guess if you move out then she is a single Mum? And you are. Are you regretting that things are progressing so much.?

Welcome Mums4Wine

This thread is quiet. Hope everyone's OK.

I've been to see my Dad tonight. He's suggested marriage counselling. Also that my kids wouldn't have acknowledged my current mood state that's been about 6 months now . I was brutally honest about some of the stuff here and he did seem to calm down on the 'make it work' lecture. Like I haven't been trying to make everything work for the last god knows how bloody long. Anyway, at least I know he's there for me whatever happens... Oh and he suggested I speak to my Mum who's not speaking to me

Hi . In testing the holding is that how you do it? Let's see? Not normal brackets is it?
Well done on trying to get rl support. Your Dad sounds ok. I'm afraid of talking to my family as besides two supportive friends everyone else seems hell bent on 'helping' with suggestions how to make it work and I'm done with trying surely it's his turn now! I wouldn't mind if he spent a tenth of the time considering and trying to make the relationship work as I have, but of course trying to explain that sounds a bit naff and is a strain in itself. So I've decided to not speak to my family until things are happening so to speak.
Last week I was all ready to walk and now I'm back in the midst of all the weekly running around with kids and hardly interacting with dh.
Why is it so hard! And then I panic that I will still be doing this in ten years time and it'll be just me and him all bitter and gripey like you see some older folk.
Hi to newbies. Welcome to the sorry hamster wheel.

Allover yes it's hard but yes she can call herself a single mother as you can single father and no you could take some stuff from your joint home. But I totally see how if you haven't taken anything and she's claiming full victim status how it would be annoying but I think you just have to accept that will be her way of dealing with things and to your own way. Hugs. It will get better. Think of us/ me in no man's land.

How about 'the grass Isn't greener' quote from everyone

Hi folks. I haven't had time to catch up with all the posts but just wanted to say I came through this eventually. I chose to leave my husband 6 years ago. We had been together for 15 years since we were at school! He was not a terrible person and it was not a terrible marriage but I got to a stage where I wanted more and he was happy for us to stagnate. When I plucked up the courage to go it was the single most painful thing i have ever been through. It honestly felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest. I did not anticipate the way a marriage break up affects everyone around you too and I took on everyone else's pain as well as my own. I had many wobbles like you all where I was certain I had made a mistake and that I had done the wrong thing, the guilt was unbearable. But a very wise person sat me down and told me that a) guilt is a pointless emotion and b) I needed to put my own happiness before everyone else's. I am the only person in the world that can make me happy and I will never ever again rely on another person to do that for me.

It took me months and months to get over it and I made stupid decisions based on my guilt - like leaving him with pretty much everything we had together. Don't make these mistakes out of guilt. You have done nothing wrong and have your own future to think of. It's bloody hard starting from scratch - believe me. I'm still not quite back on my feet.

We have no contact now whatsoever, he is, I hear, happily married to a much younger woman and I am genuinely happy for him. I'm with someone I adore and who puts me first - he makes me happy but I am holding on to my philosophy that I am responsible for my own happiness and so make sure I look after myself. We have a beautiful daughter together and life is good. I still have glimmers of guilt now and then and days where I feel like the worst person in the world but they are becoming less and less frequent and I can rationalise it all now. I am a much stronger person for the experience, maybe even too hard faced at times. I have lost a bit of the softness I had but that's what life does to us.

I had some person centered counselling for a few months after the split and that really helped me think about what I wanted for the first time ever! I would recommend it.

Hold in there folks - there's no way to speed up the agony but it will get better. Please look after yourselves xx

Thank you babynugget. That's what I love about this thread, that it sort of chronicles the ups and downs of everyone's story and then there's a lovely glimmer of hope and real experience which bouys you up . And I like the 'grass isn't always greener' quote although I think that thinking just keeps you on your hamster wheel,no?!

The grass isn't always greener that's for sure but personally I was willing to take the chance that it might be at least a different shade of brown! I guess by the time I had made the decision to go I had accepted responsibility for what might happen afterwards. The grass on my 'other side' got pretty muddy for a while but I gained strength from just owning it, if that makes any sense at all?

Thanks for sharing babynugget. I agree with shandy it is a glimmer of hope.

All0ver Sorry to hear that things aren't going as smoothly as they could, just keep up with your way of explaining to mutual friends etc. Whichever story they hear, they'll form their own conclusions anyway and you don't need to be worrying about anything besides you and dc for now.
ShandyBass I have the same trouble with his family members (don't have any of my own and they are really the closest people I can talk to). All I get is suggestions to try being happier, despite me saying it's not that simple. OTOH my few friends all occupy the opposite boat. To them it's as simple as 'leave him, move out...' As much as I would love to do that, the area we live in doesn't make it easy. Rents are ridiculous in comparison to what I could earn, we only manage the joint home because it's a stupidly low rent (think half what it should be!)
I have looked, it doesn't seem possible and I know he would refuse to be the one to go, despite the fact he wouldn't need a family home he barely steps foot in any room besides his own lounge and bedroom
Iron I am at the same hopeless stage. I have given in because entertaining all the mixed up emotion and stress was too much. Ditto the lonely feeling too It seems strange that I seek to cure loneliness by leaving, but I think if he isn't around, I can't feel the gaping void that should be filled with companionship.
babynugget Thank you for your honesty, I think a lot of use here know that it will take a long time to get wherever we are heading. And while we all fear the inevitable fallout, I'm glad to hear there is sunshine on the horizon. Glad you found strength, as I struggle at exactly the heart wrenching thoughts of the actual breakup, and after The Conversation I spent a few days feeling awful and not sure why it was all happening. He came round from anger and started a mild superdad performance. With the emotional release, I felt ok, but was back to resenting him again so quickly.

hermione I found that the hardest bit, the sudden change into the person you know was there all along. I had more attempts at love and affection from my ex in the two weeks after The Conversation than I had experienced in the 15 years prior to that. Everyone around me kept saying we could make it work, we were a great couple, etc and that I should give him a chance. I kept reminding myself that he had had 15 years of chances and I had tried to tell him how I was feeling several times, but it was hard when he was pulling out all the stops to show me how good it actually could be. I know it's probably a natural reaction from those being left but it did make me resent him for making it even harder. It didn't last though and his anger returned and he became nastier than I ever thought was possible for him (he was a pretty passive person which was one of the reasons I found the relationship lacking). When he started destroying my stuff and making very spiteful comments about issues that he knew were close to my heart I knew my decision was right. I completely get what you are saying about wanting to be alone to get away from the loneliness. I felt such a sense of freedom after I left that I never felt alone at all. I spent time doing things I wanted to do without having to think about someone else and actually finding out who I was as an individual. It was weird not seeing him after 15 years of seeing him every day but sadly I never missed him. I still have loads of happy, cherished memories of our time together and although it ultimately ended with a lot of bitterness between us and no contact I don't regret marrying him. It's important for your own wellbeing to hang on to those good and happier times without letting them cloud any decisions you need to make about your future happiness.

I'm sorry to hear that your accommodation situation is a barrier for you doing what you feel you need to. I was fortunate in that I had family nearby I could stay with until our house sold and I could get somewhere on my own, although that brought its own challenges as I was faced with their disappointment every day. At one point I considered living in a caravan just to get my own space!