Curious to hear from people who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL but just unsatisfying

[All0vertheplace]

Have you made the tough choice to leave a marriage -- not because of abuse or an affair, but just because you were mismatched and things weren't working out.

If so, how was that decision, and how have your life and relationships been since?

Feeling broken tonight.

So sorry, Iron.

HowBad -- thanks for that. Yes. There is no narrative. Only versions.

Iron -- So sorry to hear how things are feeling for you tonight.

Stay strong Iron. You WILL get through this.

We're all here for you

He's in bed. I'm just so bored. There was no conversation. I think probably since 'we should have an open relationship' convo. Is what has fucked matters up.

Sorry to hear about your horrible evening, Iron Did he ask you for an open relationship or the other way around?

I'm thinking of ending 'me'?
I don't think there is a solution

Big hugs Iron and Allover.
I almost feel like I'm not sure what is wrong with our relationship any more I just know that it's not working and I want out as hard as that would be and as easy as it would be to stay. Problem is I wake up and plod on with life as you do and am then gutted by night to still be in this situation.
One interesting thing is that since being in separate beds my libido which had been non existent for the last year or so has suddenly come back and I'm having erotic thoughts and dreams. How weird is that. I'm taking it as another sign not one is admit to in rl but I'm sure you lot will understand.
Hugs and chocolate or is it wine to all.

Can I join in? Been reading this since the beginning and some is oh-so-familiar.

Sex life has been declining (his choice, not mine) for years, and DH has been putting on weight, for years. For so so long I've been thinking "we just need to have sex more often", and I think I've slowly realised that it's just too late now. He irritates me, all the time. It's awful because he's a great guy and a great dad, I just don't feel the same way any more. And I've been trying to talk about this to him, for years, and he just always seems to feel that this is my problem, that this is something I need to resolve. Has refused to go to counselling. I used to suffer from depression (and he was so wonderful at helping me deal with that) but it's left him thinking that me not being happy is a problem with me, nothing else.

Am doing similar things to others of lining things up. When various financial things get sorted would be in a much better position to split. Agh.

De-lurking to say to Iron there is a solution, don't give up yet.
I might be being over dramatic and maybe I've read your last post wrong but hang in there. You sound absolutely at the end of your tether and done in but don't 'end' you.

I've been reading along since the start and I did post on another thread similar to this one but have been distracted and on holiday and pretending I can make it work.
But you can't make it work alone can you?

Keep talking Iron I know I can vouch for everyone else when I say we are all here for you, you guys have been really supportive of each other and I wanted to join in for ages.

for you all.

Oh Iron
I really feel for you, it is much the same here. Can you organise a night with friends for the social lift?
Sometimes it feels like I go days on end without any adult interaction, it is so miserable. Apparently I should be grateful for the time I get to spend woth the children (SAHM, not my choice and I DO value the time we have) but I crave returning to work just for an alternate purpose and to have contact with people again.
The drudgery has returned even though it's only been a few days. I knew it would, I feel hopeless because I didn't have the strength to stick to my guns. I honestly don't understand how he believes this daily existence is preferable.
To all out there, hope you are keeping your chins up.

Oh Iron, I am really thinking of you and sending you a lot of love. Do you have anyone you can speak to irl? Youre in a horrible situation right now but there is a solution and you will get there

oh Iron how are you feeling this morning? He puts what he rolls in front of everything else as it blots it out and he doesn't have to deal with stuff. I had a 2 hour life coaching session yesterday and one thing that came up that suddenly hit home was when she said to me that it's ok to do something because I want to. That I matter. And someone else actually saying that out loud to me really hit home. YOU matter. And you need to make changes for you as you sound like you have currently lost yourself. You might not be able to change him but you can put some effort into yourself. Because you do matter. We all do. And the recurring theme in this thread seems to be that a lot of us don't think we do. We spend all our time and energy putting others first and trying to accommodate situations or engineer talks. Maybe we need to spend a bit of time loving ourselves? I hope you see the sunchine on the horizon soon (shamelessly stolen from AllOver there )

Can I join in, sorry if this has been said already but did anyone else sort of fall into marriage man Or woman? We had a unplanned pregnancy and got on ok, so got married for practical and financial reasons on mutual agreement so never real got to choose 'the one'. But similar life to what has been written already. We don't have anything in common and are not similar or have the same family background but get on ok.

I'm so, so sorry. I was in a hell of a state and busy out and about yesterday so I couldn't read/post Fead Hermione Gruffalo Floundering thank you so much for kind words. I'm afraid I ended up getting blind drunk. This is a big issue for me at the moment as I am reliant currently to avoid everything and keep my happy face on but I know it needs to stop. I was reading the thread, sadly sobbing.
Yesterday am DH said I called him a very rude name twice when we were walking (he was trailing behind me) home before he left me indoors like a small child. I don't believe him. At the same time I was arguing with my wonderful mother via messenger. I had finally said no to** one of her 'demands'. Consequently she is not speaking to me. She has known/knows I am going through a tough patch and why. So it really was a pretty shitty evening. But I shouldn't have been posting here at the time. And I seriously did think that taking 'myself' out of 'this' could be a solution rather than facing up to all of this which is really very sad to admit..
Anyway we have an event today - not adding info as this could be identifying. And the last couple of days have been focused on this. The make or break week is basically 'broken' to me as I come out of the other side, but I really need to work on some kind of plan and dry out. Sorry this is so completely self indulgent. I know from what I posted and not responding (which is unforgivable) I now seem like a complete raving loony and why is DH with me even!! Hope everyone is ok

Welcome Lego and Vintage

Bold bugger

Hi all

Just a quick update from me. I'm spending this weekend on Gumtree trying to furnish my new house with the help of a little money from my dad. I took the kids to look at the house yesterday and (thank god) they seem to like it. I've booked next week off work for the logistics and moving.

So...it's happening.

DW and I had a talk last night. She is full of fears and anxiety and I tried my best to talk to her, but it wasn't easy. She's always been a very anxious person, so it makes sense that she should be feeling that way now. I have achieved a state of calm about it all. Bottom line, as I said to her last night, either the relationship was good and so ending it is bad, or the relationship was bad and ending it is good.

Bit of a simplification maybe, but still.

Iron I don't think any of that sounds self indulgent, it sounds sad and you sound like you are broken.

Don't beat yourself up any further.

I'm not very good at supportive words and I don't think you need suggestions of how to fix this, I just wanted to reply and let you know I'm here.

I did think of you yesterday but I did think (hope) that you were probably busy rather than having done something awful.

Iron it's not self-indulgent at all. Neither do you seem to be a raving loony. You simply sound fed up, pushed to a brink and teetering.
Please know that it is perfectly ok to do, think and feel the way you want to simply because you want to (I really struggle with esteem and only recently discovered it's not selfish to cook what I fancy eating for dinner). You aren't to blame for how you feel, it's natural given everything going on.
Well done for standing firm and refusing your mum's demand. Reclaim yourself for yourself and try to find (even the tiniest) bit of joy in each day.
All0ver Wow, sounds like things are moving on and getting to a more amicable position.

Watching this thread with interest. Can relate to many of the emotions described.

With DH for 9 years. Two children, 6 yo and 3 yo. The intimacy has gone from our relationship and I'm fairly sure I don't want to take steps to get it back. Sex has been about once a year. Not missed by me. For me the relationship has taken a downward turn ever since the kids arrived. He's a wonderful father but despite working full time I am still expected to do the lion share of household chores/childcare. The resentment has grown steadily and there's not much left. Plus he had an affair when my youngest was 5 months old. We went to relate but it's only now I am through the exhaustion of the early years of babyhood that I feel angry.

We haven't had the conversation and no idea when or where to even instigate it. I would be shocked if he didn't feel the same as me.

I can relate so painfully to this thread.

I'm a man. We married pretty young, and I just didn't know who I was when we did. It's so hard because I regret that decision every day, and yet I can't regret it because of our wonderful DCs. We rub along OK on a day to day basis. We're a good team as parents, we both earn pretty well. But god, life is so boring. No sex for about 18 months now; it started declining before the DCs and pretty much died after them. I was always hoping it would return, but then - about 4 years ago - I became the one who didn't want it to. We switched roles. She very occasionally comes on to me and I just can't do it any more. It feels wrong, like touching my sister or something. She's such a brilliant person in so many ways, but we're not right. Our marriage is irreparable, and I'm too fucking chicken to leave.

I've had therapy for a few months, and that is helping me to find some strength. I'm terrified of being the bad guy, of being thought of negatively, which is something my counsellor is helping with. I'm a people pleaser, and - even in my late 30s - I still dread telling my parents I've failed at this. And yeah, they would see it that way. I'm such a nice little success story for them so far!

I don't hate my wife. I am very fond of her. I admire her in lots of ways, and don't want her hurt. But I don't love her, and it's killing us both. Almost the worst part is how pathetic I feel that I can't just man up and do what needs done.

Is this what marriage is though and in the past and we just want more now?

Vintage No, I don't think so. Even if that were the case, so what? People should just resign themselves to unhappiness?

I think lots of marriages have historically been like this, but without the internet the people trapped inside them have been isolated, with no way to know if everyone's marriage is like this.

I don't think that I deserve a lifelong volcano of passion, but I do think everyone deserves to be happy, and shouldn't have to put up with spending huge chunks of their waking hours with someone they don't really want to. Someone with whom they have little to nothing in common, from whom they've grown apart and to whom they're not attracted.

We are the old cliche of got together too young before we new who we were. I had the added complication of not been able to have anymore children in my 30's when many men I new we're getting married or re-married and having/wanting kids at that age, so didn't feel very marketable for another marriage

Fead and Hermione (won't bother with bolding!) thank you so much. It is so difficult to see outside of the bubble. AllOver - happy for you things are happening. You've done really well. Far braver than me. Hi knicky and welcome
And Hi smiggle. You sound like - if I asked my DH honestly - how he felt - he would recap what you have said. Except the sex as its been slowly dwindling off since before Christmas although I have tried a couple of times - but it's been dreadful.

Event came and went. It was hard work as I have been awake since 5 and went to bed late last night. I'm also running out of stuff to watch on Netflix - my sanctuary when DC have bedded...