Curious to hear from people who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL but just unsatisfying

[All0vertheplace]

Have you made the tough choice to leave a marriage -- not because of abuse or an affair, but just because you were mismatched and things weren't working out.

If so, how was that decision, and how have your life and relationships been since?

I'm currently with OH, not married but been together for nearly 10 years, but it is reaching unbearable now. I think the main reason we are still together is because we have children but also his family are so lovely that I know they will be devastated if we separate, I will also really miss them as I actually see them pretty much every week. I do love him, but we are just room mates now, there's no sex, no affection at all, and hasn't been since I was pregnant. It's sad though as we have gone through good times together, and there are days when I think yes I can do this, but mostly I'm unhappy.

I work part time now and do everything with the kids, he doesn't ever help me, which is really odd as his dad is such a hands on dad, but my OH is just always looking for the easy option and would rather sit on his laptop than play with the kids. He does love them though, not trying to make out like he's completely awful, but he thinks that 15 minutes of his time here and there is enough. A lot of days he doesn't even see our kids because he is working so much, and we are like ships in the night.

Today he had a day off work and was just mean all day (i've realised he's a bit of an emotional abuser). He woke up at noon as I always let him lie in on days off, and he was just so nasty, finding the first thing to complain about - the house being a mess - it wasn't but he found one thing that needed doing and went with it, and he was having a big tantrum about it. I cried because he was just so nasty, and he couldn't care less that I was upset. Tonight he said that he's fed up of life, and that he is miserable, so I asked him if it was me and he shrugged. I tried to talk about it more and he wouldn't talk and told me he has work tomorrow and can't be bothered. So I said I'd stay at my mums for a few days, which isn't really an option as her house is like a building site, but he didn't even respond.

I don't even know where to begin with separation if that is the route we're taking. My job is just a part time job at a school and doesn't make enough money to afford rent for a 2 bed property around here or anywhere really. I guess i'd have to get a full time job and move my boys to full time childcare, as well as moving house and separating from their dad. :( The sad thing is I do love him and if he could be more attentive and loving I would stay, but he won't be and we've broken up many years ago over this and now we're back at the exact same place again.

Spectacular row here last night after not talking for 10 days again he announced last night that if I wanted to go then go but he is staying in the house and keeping the kids.
Basically said I'm not entitled to anything from the house as he paid the deposit for his flat originally and the money from tgat paid the deposit for our house. Never mind how much ive paid over the years. "I came witg nothing so will leave with nothing" if I don't want a family then that's my choice.
I told him half the house is mine and I'm entitled to it as much as him.
I have a sneaking suspicion his mum would release his 'inheritance' by releasing equity from her house.
What do I do now? This is going to end up very nasty and messy
He's changed from accusing me of taking his children and would only be able to see them eow to all of a sudden wanting sole custody.
I don't think I've got the strength for this but I don't want to waste my life either

Misswhattodo, he is lying. Are you married? If so you have equal rights to the house even if your name isnt on the mortgage. I would be seeking legal advice if he's making threats like this. He won't get full custody but if you leave without the children he may have more of a leg to stand on if he's asking for it so don't go without them.

I can't force him to sell the house though can I? ? There is NO WAY I am Leaving my house and children

House is joint mortgage. He has paid more over the years but I argued I dropped one day a week at work to help with childcare costs and spend time with kids. Apparently that was my decision never mind I was the one running myself ragged trying to run everything while he didn't have to worry about being late for work or leaving dead on time every night so not late for childminder.

Just a quick one from me as I'm supposed to be working but just procrastinating.
AllOver I wasn't expecting that but as someone else said it makes no difference at all. We are all here for the same reasons and for support. Good luck with the rental stuff. Have you spoken to anyone legal yet?

Misswhattodo you need one or two free half hours with a solicitor to see where you actually stand legally. Your H can bellow about what he wants and what he will do all he likes but he's not the one who makes the final decisions. Good luck, I really hope you can make it through without too much mess. Stay calm, be armed with proper information. I guess he's taken on the wounded animal stance and is lashing out where he knows he can hurt you.

gruffalo keep on keeping on with your dd. You sound like you are doing the right thing and allowing her to have her feelings. In the long run, I'm sure she'll appreciate you for it. Sorry to hear exw is being like that, it must be awful.

welsh I'd happily meet up for chocolate and wine. Its going to have to be virtual though, not sure I can justify a trip back to the UK just for that

Nothing new to report here except pmt on my part and its making me loathe the sight of him. And the smell. I never thought his smell could make me feel like this

misswhattodo I posted a link upthread that opens up with a load of information about what you are entitled to in a divorce. Will see if I can find it.

www.advicenow.org.uk/tags/divorce

Thanks all the worst thing is that because he's not working at the moment he's playing dad of the year and it's me whose at work every day so highlighted even more that I'm not there itms? Because of his payout he's got a few months before he needs to get a job. Although he's been applying for some now

Thanks floundering will take a proper look later xxx

read the one about sorting finances in divorce. It tells you how they take earnings and time for childcare etc taken in to account. In a selfish kind of way, I wouldn't file anything until he has started work again.

Well, the payment has been made on the new house. Moving forward now. I am sleeping on the couch and things at home are sort of polite/terse/frosty -- a heightened version of how they have been for the past few years. Money panic is hitting us both. I think early morning is the worst, when I wake up and lie in bed worrying. In those moments, as the thoughts churn, I keep miming shooting myself in the head or stabbing myself in the chest. (NB: These do not really feel like suicidal thoughts, as much as they are just a kind of silent expression of frustration and sadness....I do not feel that I am actually going to take any action). Anyway, counselling booked through work. Ought to help.

Just need to keep chin raised and keep my eyes focused on the horizon, where the sunshine is.

Wow, this is me. I cant believe there are so many people in similar situations. I've not read all 838 posts but seems like you will all know exactly how I am feeling. Trapped. I've suffered mental health issues because of this. The thing is he is a good man but just not there for me. I am an emotional & affectionate person and I get nothing from him. Its killed my self esteem. I just want someone that will hug me and hold my hand. I can also actually see why people have affairs to get that intimacy and affection they are lacking at home. I have at least a year before I can leave for financial reasons and I cant stand it.

Misswhattodo, actually he can be forced to sell the house, or to come to some other arangement thst means you and the children aren't homeless. Stay strong!

Should I Admit that when I watched britains got talent recently I was listening to the ballet dancer married couple and their love for each other and that's what I want.

I'm having a wobble to myself at the minute. I don't want to be lonely and single, long-term.

Although in saying that I have been with 'DH' for 15 years. Its been a lonely, soul-destroying time. We are in eachother's company quite a lot because of the kids and we get on fine as parents.

I suppose I cant really believe this has happened to me. I wonder what I have missed, what a truly compatible respectful relationship is like. I don't have a clue.

Noone will have me with 3 kids and in the state I'm in anway.

Perhaps it really is 'better the devil you know' in my case.

Shadow I look at happy couples and am envious. Especially those A&E programmes where you can really see love and connections. I remember being in hospital myself and dh taking it all as some interesting scientific experiment. I think that was when the worm started turning for me. I think I thought everyone was intrinsically kind before, how naive am I.
Allover keep watching the horizon and I'm glad you've come out so to speak.
Welsh enjoy your holiday.
Hugs and wine to all.
I'm still on limbo land although dh is trying since our last talk but he keeps lapsing into nastiness. He says I'm not giving him a chance and to be honest I do wonder if it's too late, having said that he's said that before that there's nothing he can do so there's no point trying. It's a clever point of view.

I was nearly ready to burst with rage earlier- H had read an 'interesting article' in the Daily Mail (yeah yeah, I know ) about how menopause affects middle-aged women's sex life. He mentioned this in front of ds2! I asked him, somewhat acidly I have to admit, what the purpose of mentioning the article was, and especially at that time.

It just reminded me of the number of times my first husband used to dismiss my feelings/arguments/discussions as brought on by PMT Fortunately for H (and his private parts) he backed down pretty swiftly, especially after I'd read out loud to him (from the paper he went to the shop specially to get) a quote from a woman who said that the reason her sex life deteriorated was because her H would spend all evening on the computer and then 'roll towards her' in bed later on.

This same lack of communication, the ignoring in favour of whatever was so interesting on the laptop, has been a major factor in my marriage breakdown.

Shoden his computer will be the death of my marriage. Communication has completely broken down on a 'couples' level. It's (me) "what shall we have for dinner", "her behaviour is awful at the moment", (him) "have you heard this tune", "might go over my parents". It's so undeep and unfulfilling. But as someone further up (or down) the thread said, do I destroy this for my own happiness?

InstinctivelyTry whilst I get what you mean when you say you don't want to be lonely and single long term and so maybe better the devil you know. But the thing is you don't know what the future will bring. It might be really hard to start with but it might teach you things about yourself you never knew or give you a perspective and a sense of 'fucking hell, look what I have managed to achieve and what I can be'.
You might not be single and alone long term. You might find out what a good relationship is like. No one can give you the right answer but maybe you need to look at this from more than one approach? And if you decide you are not ready then thats fine too. But do what is right for you, not for keeping the peace. If it takes time to work out what the right thing is then that is fine too. At least you are considering your possibilities and not shutting yourself down.

Thank your for the very thoughtful post !

I'm still quite raw from this and exceptionally self-critical. My inclination is to pay for some private counselling to help me forge ahead with pride & self- belief.

There's a whirlwind of competing pressures on me and I can't see straight sometimes.

You're right in that no one can answer whether I'll be alone or not. Meanwhile the best thing I can do is keep on keeping on...

We have a kid free evening - extremely rare. I suggested pub for a couple of games of pool (haven't played since before DC). Then some food . DH didn't want to do any of that but reluctantly did pool/pints.

I was trying to walk home with him he was scuffing his feet, walking behind really slowly. So I walked ahead. Got home. He came in, rolled a thing and has now gone to the shops to get cans. I believe he hates me. This could have been an ideal opportunity to work at this.

I am feeling really fucking frustrated. I could have gone out with a friend tonight. Instead I feel like a prisoner. He didn't ask me to walk to the shop with him. I am at a loss. Seriously.

IronNeonClasp- you sound so defeated and miserable. You have to believe that you don't have to put up with this for the rest of your life/until the dc leave home. It sounds like you;ve everything you can and then some- I think it's time to give yourself permission to let it go now. Give yourself the chance of something better.

Again- to everyone. And thank god for this thread and its brilliant support.

I think what I am struggling with today is her resentment of me, of how the air went out of our relationship. My view is that we grew apart, stopped making each other happy, the baggage and resentments piled up on both sides until we eventually stopped trying. Her view is very much that I am the bad guy, never supported her, never made her feel loved. I have to try to take on board what she is saying, while avoiding being sucked too deeply into her image of me.

It's all a battle for control of the narrative, isn't it?

I don't think you need to get into that though, All0ver, do you?

I know I can't control our narrative. I accept that my version is a version and I will never successfully share it with exP. But I also believe that my version contains things that he actually doesn't understand because of limitations in his knowledge and understanding. Or in other words, I don't need him to get it for me to be comfortable.

So interesting to hear from some of you about the blasted computer! To me that is a huge thing. Not just that it resulted in me being physically ignored (his favourite place to sit would be reclining with his back to the door; when I came into the room after 13 or 14 hours on the go, he wouldn't talk to me or turn around but continue to stare at the computer and behave with irritation when I tried to engage him in conversation) - but that he felt so surrounded by interesting and polished and entertaining opinions that I wasn't considered to be worth engaging with at all.

He talked about this once with unusual self awareness, in a context of his work relationships (or lack of). he suggested that the ease and fluency of talking to interesting and original people online made conversational with real people seem dull and unsatisfying. He didn't say he felt like that about me, but he behaved as if he did.

Iron, I can't help but think you will feel so much better when you are not living with constant active rejection. That sounds like such a depressing and insulting evening.