Curious to hear from people who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL but just unsatisfying

[All0vertheplace]

Have you made the tough choice to leave a marriage -- not because of abuse or an affair, but just because you were mismatched and things weren't working out.

If so, how was that decision, and how have your life and relationships been since?

Morning all, keep dipping into this thread, situation is still in limbo. We've agreed to split, but are living as though everything is fine. Waiting until the summer to sort it all out, I kept looking for places to live.
Today is our wedding anniversary, I'm away with work, I found chocolates in my case he had hidden. Sent him a message thanking him and saying happy anniversary- but it isn't really.
I'm very confused, he has stepped up massively in the last couple of weeks with a tricky family situation. He is a good man in so many ways, I feel awful. Our DD has been distraught at me going away, and I wonder how she will cope living between two places. I can't continue living in a relationship that makes me so sad though. Spoke to an old friend last night and she was shocked at how we live eg separate bedrooms, little family time, no sex and unhealthy relationship modelling for our DD.
Sorry for the rambling feeling quite emotional today, now to put a brave face on and get to work.
💐 to all of you in this situation.

Such a swirly place to be in -- DP woje me up this morning by sitting on the bed and saying "I don't want you to divorce me." UGH! So after all these conversations in which it felt like a mutual decision, it's now going to have to be entirely on ME, the decision to separate.

And of course a big part of me is tempted to stay and keep going. The whole point of this entire THREAD is that there's nothing massively WRONG but also nothing really RIGHT either. The financials of separation are so horrible, and the kids are going to be so mystified and sad, it does feel like very deliberately and consciously holding my hand in a flame. Of COURSE I don't want to do that.

Halfbaked my H and I have gotten to that stage 3 times in the past 3 years and something always makes me say I will try again. It's such a weird feeling when you're in that stage it makes you question everything you say and do.
Allover that's how I've felt every time and that's why I've never really left, it makes me start to question wether it's really going to be better leaving or if it will be just as lonely on my own, but like you I've gotten to the point of no return now and I know for certain now that I'd rather be alone than in a lonely marriage.
Hope everyone else is well.
I'm hoping to have the guts to have the talk tonight, I think he knows it's coming though and has been especially nice all day yesterday and on Saturday, which of course makes me feel even worse about it.

Gosh so much to catch up on. to you AllOver your head must be all over the place.
Just checking in really. Still the same here. Next counselling session is next week. I have a 2 hour personal coaching session this week though.

Not much more to say except I really feel for all of us on here.

I'm struggling a little. Or rather, DD is and I'm not entirely sure how best to help her through it. She is VERY sensitive and just loses it at the slightest thing. She doesn't really want to go anywhere, or does but wants to come home again after a short time. I keep saying how ExW really loves her, and how it's ok to miss her and it's ok to be sad etc. I feel like such a bad mother. I really didn't want her to be modelled such an unhealthy relationship but this doesn't actually feel any better. It will in time, I suppose. ExW still being an arse, won't speak to me, she actually texts if she has something to say even if she's just in the next room ffs.

How is everyone else handling things with the dc?

Checking in too. Currently going through the motions - we have a holiday to get through.

I 'm avoiding oh apart from.beimg superbusy with pre hol prep. Oh is pestering me for sex. Moaning at me in.the hope I'll give in!?! It's only been a week but that's a long time for him. He claims witholding sex is sexual abuse . He asked my why and I explained my libido is gone for now. He asked me if i fancied him and I couldn't answer because sometimes I do but i just dont feel connected. Hmmmmm. And so the sexual abuse thing is just one of his interesting /bizarre insights (like the idea that ADs are the same as 'taking e's' and I am 'addicted'; amd that it is bad to drink ehilst eating). All the more frustrating given that I happen to know a fairvbit about meds due to my line of work. But also these things affirm my feelings that we are wholly mismatched. There is no connection intellectually, physically, emotionally or on any bloody level.

Halfbaked yes he is a good man too, this just makes it harder esp as he has maintained his dad of the year stuff. Keeps guilting me about pushing him away from his kids.

All I know this thread was a whim but it's become my lifeline. Hugs to all. I wish we could all meet up and share some wine and chocolate.

welshrarebit, I know you know this but just in case his voice gets into your head, you're NOT "witholding" sex, you are perfectly within your rights not to have sex!! By pestering and guilt tripping you he is being abusive. Maybe he is a good man in some ways but this is abusive.

The thing that keeps getting me, is that I feel so bloody ungrateful. H isn't a bad man- he isn't abusive in any way, he's never pestered me for sex- nothing. And when people ask why we're separating, the reasons I give sound so flimsy.

Despite some of my earlier words, I still can't quite bring myself to believe that I could deserve a happier, more fulfilled life. I guess I feel selfish.

New to this post-anyone in an unhappy marriage where you and your oh arent happy with each but he plans on just accepting things as they are and would never want to split? You argue and disagree about most things and he never wants to discuss anything and you do EVERYTHING to do with the home and kids. You work p/t and him f/t which involves him doing work at home at nights. He resents that your work isn't stressful and you never have to bring work home with you. We haven't spoken in 4 days as he was annoyed with me about something and now is very angry so won't speak to me-we never discuss or calmy talk about anything-I just need to make decisions. He's moody and snappy with me. He would make things horrendous if we split - financially he put a large deposit of his own savings on the house and would say that he's been paying more than me as he earns more. He would want everything to be EXACTLY equal (or more) re the kids even if wasn't in their best interest and even though he's always working-he would rather they were in childcare or with his family an hours drive away rather than anymore time with me. Nothing would be friendly or civil ever-it would be so horrible.

Similar really to some situations here. We were so busy with bringing up kids that I don't think I really noticed we didn't share much besides our joint interest in them. Now kids are 16 & 19 & I'm wondering what to do. We don't even always watch same tv programmes. I feel lonely and I'm sure he does too. We had counselling together about 6 years ago but not for long as think we realised it would lead us to a difficult decision. H is good father, stable, hard working. We don't row much but we're just not emotionally close and as for sex....non existent. I think we all change and can need different things at different times in our lives. I think it's brave to stand up and admit when you're not getting what you want from a relationship but personally I struggle with the fact that a major chunk of my life was spent with this person and my history is tied up with them. Any yet, I'm still left contemplating the future on a daily basis...and can't just live only through doing things for the family and living as flatmates. I guess it boils down to you get out what you put in and there has to be some degree of motivation to work at any relationship. Maybe marriage makes us lazy. Good to hear that others have found contentment after making a tough decision.

I guess maybe a bit easier when your kids are older green-mine are primary age 😢-re tv, we don't watch ANYTHING the same-he reckons things I watch are rubbish. Oh well, guess I'll just carry on at the moment and keep reading this thread so I don't feel alone that it's just me x

Hi checking in and have been reading
DH is working today only then off again rest of week. We are bumbling along. I have orders to clean the pigsty today.... I feel terrible keeping the kids in but - if I don't he will be a stroppy git . So I guess things are the same but I am trying to keep my head together (for the kids). I've been sleeping in 'our' bed since Friday. No contact. Also having a very emotional 'time of the month' so feeling not strong, spotty and weak. I guess I sound confused but as said in earlier post this is my last ditch attempt, make or break week.

I want to be honest with you all, as this thread has turned into such a gathering place.

I am male, not female. Everything I have written about my situation and my feelings is true, but at the very outset I did an NC and also a gender swap just because I wanted to have some degree of distance in case my (STBX)W discovered the thread. I feel really ridiculous, as I had no idea that this discussion would take off to the degree that it has, and the longer it has gone on the worse I have felt. If people are angry with me for misrepresenting myself, I totally understand. Just wanted to say sorry, and to re-introduce myself.

Anyway, I am off to the lettings agent today to sign the paperwork on my rental and will be preparing to move out over the next few weeks. I am at work, but probably shouldn't be, as I have a slightly woozy swimmy head and sort of this vague feeling that I am going to pass out. Still, on we go.

It doesn't really matter, your gender.
Good luck today, you'll be fine.

And thank you for being honest :)

AllOver - sending hugs to you. Hope you are OK!! There is light.

I'm not getting a lot of cleaning done. I'm tidying and DC are unraveling my work. I want to hoover everything up (and them)

I lurked, and have had The Conversation. I know when I started it that it would be a bit of a shock for DP as he is always happy. But I am fundamentally not happy, it's not him (although over the last few years I have grown to resent him) and I just want to be single. Not to look for different love, but to be me and do things I want to. To have a home that feels homely and happy dc.
At first he was angry, now he has calmed down and is fighting so hard to think of changes, improvements, goals. I feel horribly selfish for rebutting his ideas and not giving it another go . I'm on the merry-go-round in my head and feel awful, I can't even convince myself I am not selfish and being a homewrecker over petty sillyness.
How do I face him and say that to me, it is simply over? (Fwiw it's NOT a marriage although we always intended it, and in comparison to others it has only been a short relationship (4 years). I think we met too quickly after I left the DV 'relationship' that started when I was far too young and continued for 11 years).
I'm in the hopeless stage of been here before, it won't change even if we try and I will simply resent him more until this phase begins again.

AllOver- your gender makes not one jot of difference. Your feelings are yours, regardless of gender. Don't feel bad.

hermione- I know how you feel. My H said the same things, was willing to try anything and everything, has 'had a lightbulb moment' and changed his ways etc. But it doesn't change how I feel.

I think the only thing to do is to keep reiterating that your feelings won't change. I have to keep doing this, and it's very hard, but ultimately it's the only thing that will work. I just keep it in mind that this time next year I'll be where I want and need to be (hopefully much sooner!) and keep plodding on. Good luck to you.

Thanks all. Deep in the financial murk at the moment. Trying to keep my eye on the horizon, that distant place where it is sunny and calm and where one day I might be.

AllOver - doesn't make any difference re gender and a little jealous you're further toward than me😀

Got cornered again by dh at w/e. He's defaulted to 'are you feeling better now?' And just slipping back into 'we are ok' mode. Fuck so I had to tell him AGAIN that my feelings haven't changed and it's not all going to go away. We then had a tentative convo about future accommodation and childcare. It is kind of looking ok without going in to too many details but there was one major hurdle. I've come up with an idea how to get round this. I suspect dh will try and talk me out of it. I think he's trying to coast in the hope I change my mind. Well I'm not.

The limbo bit is so shit. I feel like I can't relax. I'm always trying to avoid him. Nothing feels comfortable. Then I wonder how long I have to go on with this. I reckon in a years time I should be in a place of my own. I'm just having to contend with taking it step by step. It's so slow. I can't believe it's doing him any good, how can it be?

Thanks Shodan the problem is I do feel differently. I know it's just guilt/fear but I can't express in ways he will understand that I just can't do this anymore. My reserves are being weakened by the minute and I know that I will be talked into staying... again, then it will be even harder next time.
I am taking a leaf from others here and ordering my ducks. I have 3 months left of my studies, by then DS will be 2 and I will find it easier to pay the slightly less ridiculous childcare fees, freeing up income for ridiculous rent.
The problem is that I feel as though he is given false hope

OK. This is my 'make or break' holiday week. I have to be honest. He hasn't attempted to address anything. The expectation to sort the house out today and I've failed.
I feel alone, depressed, anxious and superficial. I've just told my Mum. How I can't make anything work. I'm going to have to end this aren't I? Jesus.

All over - agree that gender's irrelevant. You won't be the only male on here I am sure. Your confession reminded me of the time on Gavin and Stacy when Gavin's mum finally comes out as not a veggie as she had told everyone she was. .Anyway hope all going well with financials as can be expected.

Iron don't pressurise yourself into make or break thinking. Just take te to yourself. Good that you are getting some support.

I'm struggling to keep on top of everyones story sorry sorry. I'm just putting my feelings aside for now to enjoy nxt weeks holiday as best we can. We continue to live like ships in the night..