Curious to hear from people who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL but just unsatisfying

[All0vertheplace]

Have you made the tough choice to leave a marriage -- not because of abuse or an affair, but just because you were mismatched and things weren't working out.

If so, how was that decision, and how have your life and relationships been since?

Regardless of what the counsellor says, YOU are saying you're unhappy, Shandy. Basically he needs to take your word for it, it's not up for debate!

Iron, I didn't see your post but I feel for you and I'm thinking of you

Morning all.

After a couple of weeks of drifting along in The Fog, we planned to set aside some time last night and talk it all out. Only when I got home at 9:30 DP was already asleep. I genuinely think we are avoiding each other, and scared to stare this thing full in the face. We've re-planned to do it tonight instead. This is horrible.

allover it's so scary isn't it? we're still not talking after what I said at the weekend. It's bad enough having that conversation again but next one is so much harder where you have to talk about selling the house and plans for the future.
Feeling stronger than I ever have before but still shit scared x to all xxx

Yes, hard to even process discussion of the practicalities, when the emotional stuff is all swirling around.

Iron i saw it but was only up for a couple of minutes. We are all here to support each other.

My head is absolutely burst. Dp continuing his campaign of virtue and I'm turning into a nitpicking bitch. Found myself beimg really critical. Lle i just can't toleraye minor shit like WHY CAN'T YOU BLOODY LEARN WHERE THEKIDS PJS ARE KEPT. I've become a bit inolerant. It's not fair on him.

I'm going to just go with the flow and see how the holiday pans out in a fortnight .

Indecision hell.

Welsh. I'm off next week. I was going to cancel my leave but it's make or break week for me now.

Our civilised conversation about access/custody turned out to be a bit farcical:- STBXH calmly asserted that he thought the best arrangement for ds2 was Mon, Tues, Wed with me, then the rest of the week with him so that I could still train on Thursday evening. Great- except that means I never get to spend weekends relaxing with ds2, I just get the full-to-bursting three school days at the beginning of the week! He was getting a bit testy at the idea of eow and one midweek so in the end I said we could work out something better for everyone a bit later.

And after all that, while I'm enjoying this week without the pressure of him being around (he's away with work)- he keeps sending texts saying how much he's missing me and ds2, with lots of kisses on them. The exact same texts he would send before all this blew up.

So now I'm starting to think, like I did before, that his plan is to treat me like some kind of idiot and just 'nod and smile' until I "get over it".

There is nothing more guaranteed to wind me up and make me dig my heels in. You'd think, after 13 years together, he'd know this about me. In all honesty though, he's always been like this- he just ignores what I say about my feelings etc and carries on with what he wants.

Gah.

Wow! So many of the posts on this thread could be me.
I have been wanting to split from H for around 3 years now, things aren't all rosy but their not terrible either, H binge drinks at the weekend which isn't unusual but I really hate it, I feel unappreciated and lonely, we don't have much in common and I'm no longer in love with him or attracted to him and a lot of the time I don't even like him any more.
We have 2 DC (4.8 and 7) I have taken steps toward leaving but I know it's probably around a year down the line yet.
We were in negative equity for some time in the house we managed to sell so that we broke even and have now moved to a rented place (together) so it will be much easier to leave when I can.
I am now closer to family and have changed jobs to suit school hours much better so that I don't need him first thing in the morning anymore for childcare.
My next job is to tackle the debt and finish my exams for a new self employed role to allow me to earn more and control my own hours.
Once I have done this I will feel more confident financially to leave (or ask him to leave)
I also have the same guilt that others have spoken of though where I am worried about the detriment to the kids and judgement of others (mainly the DC school and peers as they are at a catholic school)
I have tried to leave twice before the first time DH convinced me to go to couples counselling which helped for a time then gradually things got back to the way they were (that was almost 4 years ago) then I tried again to leave last autumn and he bombarded me with messages asking me to help him end his life, this ended with a whole lot of drama involving psych team at local hospital and a change in his medication etc and ultimately I agreed to try again for the sake of his health, he still binge drinks at the weekend and has a terrible diet which obviously doesn't help his depression at all and sometimes I feel like it's dragging me into a depression as well.
Then I get the guilt that I would be leaving him when he is so down already because of his illness but at the same time I'm only 30yo and I cannot live my life feeling so lonely, unappreciated and rather selfishly I want passion and excitement in my future at some point and I don't think I will ever get that back with DH.
If you managed to get through that whole post thank you, really didn't mean to ramble on for so long but once I started I couldn't stop!

VK86- sorry to hear about your troubles. 30 is so very young to be living this kind of life and you do deserve better.

My H told me his life was over, then that he loved me unconditionally and would always do so and would never get together with anyone else; that he would be celibate and alone for the rest of his life. Obviously nowhere near on the scale of what your H did to you, but it made me feel so guilty that for a while I considered retracting what I'd said and 'trying again' :i.e putting aside my own feelings and 'making do'.

I spoke to my friends about it all and they all said the same thing: I am not responsible for his future happiness. That is down to him. And in the end I felt almost a bit arrogant- that I should feel that I had that much power over someone else's life. I came to the realisation that I had tried my very best to make his life full and happy, with friends, a comfortable life etc and really couldn't do any more. It's his own fault that he has no friends now and it will be his own fault if he chooses to not fully live the rest of his life- but I refuse to feel guilty about it anymore.

The same applies to you, so stay strong.

morning everyone. VK86 I think SHodan is right, you cannot be responsible for someone elses happiness or the way in which they live their life and he is hugely guilt tripping you (whether he understands that is what he is doing or not) which is not on at all. You sound like you have a good solid plan though which is great. FWIW I don't think it is selfish to want a life of passion and excitement. Or indeed to want a life where you do not feel responsible for someone elses depression and destructive behaviour. Good luck and stay strong.
Iron for you my lovely. I didn't see your post but you sound in the midst of things right now. HOw are you today? Thinking of you xx

So we met a counsellor yesterday. He was really nice and actually it was a really good conversation we had. I'm not sure where we will end up, I still think separation will be on the cards, but I have some hope that this will help things. Having that 3rd person/ referee there who could see things we couldn't made a difference. And we have agreed to keep our relationship conversations to times when we see him for now. Which came about when I briefly touched on the way it makes me feel when H asks a question that is actually a 'trap' (counsellors words not mine), a 'don't you think that abc is a good idea/ best for .....' type thing. Interesting meeting though. He was definitely easy on us yesterday and I sense once he knows us he may not be so easy but that could be a good thing.
I meet my personal counsellor/ coach on Friday. I want to learn how to stop myself saying yes to things I don't want to do and to stop procrastinating and to be more assertive.
Huge big hugs to everyone who needs it, I'm guessing theres a few of us right now.

Well, we had a proper chat last night. The Conversation, it was.

Uncertainty is fading, and being replaced by harsh but honest reality. My only concern is that DP is firmly against getting 'the lawyers' involved. I wanted to have some sort of official input just to check that the division of assets doesn't skew against me, but DP was very clear that getting the lawyers involved would be when it would get nasty.

Allover - massive red flag that you're being threatened that taking legal advice will make him turn nasty. Get legal advice.

Hello everyone - I have been following this thread since the beginning. Have NC'd for this. I'll check back in with my full story later but suffice to say my marriage has been going downhill for years (11 years married). 18 months of couples counselling has, instead of improving things, just opened my eyes to the huge chasm between us. We have both acknowledged that probably we are only together because of the children now, who are 9 and 11. Poor communication between us.

I think H just does not want the family to split whatever the circumstances. There has been no abuse. He's quite passive aggressive, I've been over apologetic over the years and kept a lot inside. We rarely argue, but when we do it's massive and I never come out having expressed myself well enough - until counselling that is, when I found my voice.

Feeling very sad at the moment, as is he. I recognise so many things that I have read on this thread.

Thanks for your comments everyone.
I have now accepted that his happiness is not my responsibility, that's actually exactly what his own sister said to me as well.
I am in a very lucky position to have family from both sides close by and supporting me (many of whom know a lot about the state of our relationship)
Allover I agree to get legal advice but don't tell H you are going, and take it from there, many family solicitors offer 30 mins consultation free, maybe go to a couple of different ones as well for different perspectives.
to all on the thread, it's astounding just how many of us there is in this situation and makes me wonder if there are many men in this situation too, or if this is a direct result of society's expectations of women?

VK86

From a male perspective, I can personally attest that there are men out there going through exactly the same thought process and undergoing the subsequent ordeal.

My wife and I are disconnected on a number of different levels, from money to intimacy, and I have found the realization of all of this very difficult.

I am very much at an earlier stage than many of the people on this thread, but it has been a source of great comfort on one hand, and great sadness on another, that so many people seem to be in the same position.

Just back from a viewing of a small but serviceable property within walking distance of current family home. Despite all the swirling awfulness and the looming prospect of telling the kids, I do at least have a small spring in my step today that is entirely based on the prospect of CHANGE.

Cake and flowers to all.

allover definitely get some free half hours before signing any rental agreement. Be strong. You can do this and come out the other side. But I think you need your ducks in the correct order too. Did your h say why it would get nasty? Is he likely to be hiding something ?

Sorry to hear that James it's a tough road and despite being 4 years down the line I'm still quite a bit away from seperation, partly due to me having my head in the sand and thinking everything was going to work out every time we had a decent couple of weeks (which obviously never last long).
I think I'll be financially secure and debt free within a year and so will be looking to leave then.

Hi Floundering,

Thanks for the tip. I don't think there's anything hiding, I just he is scared (as we both are) and feeling very vulnerable. He has no family to speak of, whereas my mum and dad are still around and will be supporting me (my mum is a law professor, which he has always found intimidating). There's a perception of circling the wagons and preparing for battle, which is not at all how I want things to go.

:(
Fifth of UK couples close to break-up - Relate study

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-36373299

I haven't posted for a while. Went to the 2nd relate appt and I knew I'd have to tell him again that I want to separate. It was awful but I managed it. He accepted it and said some very kind things etc etc. was very relieved. I saw that he'd been looking for rented places so was encouraged but still feeling awful

We finally managed to talk about a week later after skirting round it. Big back track. He basically said his crisis team had told him if he moves out then he will fall ill again. He also asked me what kind of example I would set to the kids if he leaves and falls ill? It would send the message that you get abandoned when you fall ill. He asked me who would internalize that, of course it would be dd. I even offered up that dd would hate me. He agreed and said it would be wrong though. I feel slightly manipulated....

The agreement now is that he gets better and then moves out. I had difficulty expressing my side, as always. Wasn't til after I thought to ask him 'what if you don't get better'

Back story. He's had mental health problems all the while I've know him. He has been in treatment for the last 6 months or so and has improved but I'm kind of gah now. I think he has borderline personality disorder but I know he will never accept it. Just tired of all the shit now

So we're in a state of limbo for who knows how long? We have a new bed arriving this week for the spare room so will definitely remain in separate rooms

Agree with pp about pot smoking - it's a kind of check out of life thing. A detachment, an escape. Gah

starsaligning would you be able to talk to his crisis team yourself? Or jointly? It may not as cut and dried as you think. If you can maybe take a list of things you want to cover.

Yes Iron, I listened to a whole hour dedicated to this today on the radio. About how it is rarely good to stay together for the kids. It's all very sad.

She is moving out this evening, going to stay with a friend until she finds a new place. I feel like the most selfish person in the world right now. I feel like I've ruined her life

No you haven't gruffallo. You have set you both free. Totally understandable the immense sadness and guilt , but you've just been bloody courageous and relief will come. To you both. Have a peaceful nights sleep.