Curious to hear from people who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL but just unsatisfying

[All0vertheplace]

Have you made the tough choice to leave a marriage -- not because of abuse or an affair, but just because you were mismatched and things weren't working out.

If so, how was that decision, and how have your life and relationships been since?

AllOver. Thing is I'm sure he wants the same. But because the kids are so young and we haven't known anything else but 'us' for nearly 13 years that makes it more complex. He is adverse to change, marginally on the spectrum. I have had more 'live-in' relationships that I have left. Perhaps this means I have no 'stickability'. I admit this would have been instigated by me but I don't think either of us are happy.
I read this thread from the start again yesterday and some of the earlier posts mention kids not adapting to the situation. Ours don't know anything is up. It would come completely out of the blue for them. Gah

Same here, INC. I mean, actually, who the hell knows what kids know, but since they have never known any different, I am sure they feel that a certain amount of 'distance' between parents is pretty standard.

Dc know nothing is up to be fair. Or haven't let on if there is? Youngest is only 2 so no real concept. Dc1 is 7 so is the main problem as when we tried to split in January (h dramatically packed his bags and made a show in front of them) he took it really badly and tried packing his own bags to be with h. He adores him and argued no one in our family should be on their own. Such a sensitive little guy and is him he keeps using to guilt me

Indecision is the worst. I'm grateful I don't have that to contend with, as the only thing keeping me going is that I've made the right decision.
When I was in the indecision stage it did help to remember that I would be comparing what the future might be to what was happening now, and not some imagined ' could have been' scenario.

This thread is honestly support therapy. Thanks so much guys

Ok, it looks like I have an appointment to talk to P tonight.
Here’s my plan: anything tricky I am going to take off the table and take to mediation.
Any personal criticism I am going to ignore.
I certainly will not make any.
I will not talk about feelings. I will talk about actions and I will not agree to anything I don’t agree with; nor will I get into arguments. When he says something I don’t agree with I will note it as something that goes to mediation.

that’s it.
think of me this evening
Ok, it looks like I have an appointment to talk to P tonight.
Here’s my plan: anything tricky I am going to take off the table and take to mediation.
Any personal criticism I am going to ignore.
I certainly will not make any.
I will not talk about feelings. I will talk about actions and I will not agree to anything I don’t agree with; nor will I get into arguments. When he says something I don’t agree with I will note it as something that goes to mediation.

that’s it.
think of me this evening, please!

Hope you are all doing ok

Sounds like a good plan, howbad, I will be thinking of you

Me too. You plan sounds good. And very sensible/ rational which is a great thing on a delicate subject. Stay strong

Off to meet the counsellor tomorrow morning with H. I hope he is good. I have printed all our back and forth emails from the other week to take with me, it might save time from trying to explain it.

Sorry about the repeaty post!

Good luck Floundering

thanks girlwith

Hi Iron what is the deal with you sleeping in the bunk bed and dh letting you? How is he stopping you or do you want him to try and get you back to the marital bed.
After over a year of sleeping on the far edge of the marital bed, after talking it over with the counsellor, I've had a bit of a lightbulb moment and thought actually there's nothing stopping me sleeping in the spare room only that I know dh won't like the idea. But as its down to him why I feel like that I shouldn't feel bad and actually it means I can sleep instead of using alcohol to help me switch off and staying up late.
My dh seems to think because he doesn't want to split that we won't regardless of what I want. It's so frustrating. I think because he knows I couldn't afford it that he can hold me ransom and subconsciously I feel he is which I know I shouldn't, and also why would he want to be with someone on that basis. Is it undivided loyalty or saving face?

Evening ladies.
Howbad -thinking of you tonight. You sound very measured
Iron - whats with the bed situation? How old are your kids. Mine are 2 and 6

My dh is also on the spectrum; this hasbeen a major factor placing strain upon us. When wefirst met I was in my 20s and had no idea - thoughthe was very kind and curiously eccentric/obsessive. Now I cannot deal with his rigidity regarding any arrangement; his hoarding; his social inappropriateness and most of allhos inability to shift perspective. It makes debate/reasoning/etc v difficult.

Anyway over in the welsh corner we are still in coasting mode and dad of the year. I will coast until the holiday and take it from there. I do feel in limbo. He is attractive and a good dad but I feel years of resentmemt have corroded our connection. Indecision is horrendous amd for me its been 3 yrs of this :(..I can relate to the knotted stomach, the guilt, the not investing in us as a couple and avoiding couple socialising. I wish slmepne could tell me what to do. I need a fortune teller.

Flowers to you all

Heard 'I no longer hear the music' by the Libertines earlier - totally resonates. May need to change username.

Would also add that this has become a great support thread. Thank you allfor sharing.

Floundering - Good luck tomorrow and hope it goes ok HowBad

Shandy and Welsh. Bed situ tricky. It is a conglomeration of what happened at Christmas and where I am now. I have probably spent 3 nights in marital bed since I came back from my Mums first week of April - 2 are in this thread! If he said "I'll sleep on the sofa tonight" it would be nice. But I really don't think he gives a shit almost cocklodger/boundary issues. I can't bear the thought of him touching me and ultimately this could happen. Plus he is a fucking fidget and flails so arms can bang me waking me up. When I was sleeping with him I was waking up anxious say 2 and 4 am. That doesn't happen anymore sleeping with DD. Incidentally they are 5 and 6.

Welsh - Dad of the year seems to be rubbing off. He did sweet FA yesterday and nothing tonight. I've just come home from training to a heap of clothes I folded earlier and left on the table and dishwasher unemptied meaning he has sat on his arse all evening watching his ruddy computer. Even putting his clothes away is driving me mad because I want to pack him up and send him on his way but it's too hard. He hasn't done anything wrong.

Kids and I got home at 4 today - different style of routine - he must finish work at 2:30 that I did not realise and he started 'smoking' at 4. I don't tend to get in until 5:30/6. I am so conditioned to the smoking but I'm wondering if this is where the communication barrier has become all too much? I don't know what his mindset is like when he's on it or if he's normalised or if it really is me who is bat crazy and will never be happy with anyone

I am feeling really, really unhappy with this again after thinking things will 'be ok' Sat morning, but I don't seem to have the balls to make that change.

Hi everyone

Thanks for asking after me.

It was a short, useful, oddly pleasant conversation. I think we could settle all this soon. I can't believe it.

I don't think I maybe belong on this thread? - I have a horrible feeling that I might have been the hanger-onner, as opposed to the visionary, like you all are. Certainly it feels as if in that conversation there was a simple agreement to find a fair way to separate and move on, and even a sense that we probably will agree on most of those things broadly.

I hate thinking about hurting dcs but P / ex-P says it won't hurt them. He says he was relieved when his parents got divorced; he said "they'll still have this place, they'll just have somewhere else to go." I think that might be a bit simplistic, but it is true that spending time with their dad and without me will not be a weird rupture in itself for them, as it is in some families.

I feel weird but calm. when I joined this thread P wasn't talking to me and I thought I had to make all the effort to pull him out of his cave and tell him that it wasn't acceptable and blah blah blah. of course he has never thought for a second it was acceptable and he was just getting ready to move on.

Best wishes to all of you. Very best of luck

IronNeon - I loathe dope with a passion and I am convinced it is a number 1 relationship killer. Men who smoke every day or lots of the time are checking out, they are just not present, they are not emotionally or mentally or physically contributing, and they just don't care. I wouldn't even stay in the room with a friend smoking these days, if I see that stuff I am out of there. It's a profound refusal to show up.

This is everyday.
I think I have become normalised. The stench makes me wrench. My all encompassing feelings against it roll in to DH. I can't bear it.
Thank you so much for your thoughts. And I would be grateful for any other feedback.
It's the deal breaker. I don't want him to give it up as I have seen what he became progressively when he tried to drop it legal highs and heavier. I had a post removed which went into detail - I don't want to get into that again - but I was so damaged when I was pregnant with DD. I really don't think I'll ever get over what he did to me.
Nothing has been sorted since then. We just plod on. My heart is aching that I can't fix this.

How bad - really er happy for you if that doesn't sound odd. But congratulations on modelling an amicable split - something that most of us dream about.

Iron my first partner of 7 years was a daily weedsmoker. I think how bad puts it very eloquently so I won't rephrase those words, suffice to say I absolutely agree. I have had enough of man children who shirk responsibility. My dh doesnt smoke buty god he likes his class as once or twice a month. I find it so depressing.

I know it's naughty but I've been lurking on the dating thread and tinder out of pure curiosity but that's it. ...

Iron sweetheart - no you cannot fix this. Agreed is an absolute dealbreaker esp with your beautiful children. Selfish fucker. Resentmemt even in the light of behavior change over too many broken promises and hurt is sometimes irreperable. Thats how i feel even with dad of the year. Sending strength lovely lady, you will find a way out very soon.

Welsh my ex was a regular smoker - exactly the same. Had a house and that is why I left him. DP knew him and then we got it on - he 'wasn't smoking then. Oh and he was a socialite. Now he may as well be my ex. I feel like he lied about being social.

Gah I'm so pissed off. I'm having a glass of wine and to bed with DD!!!!

Iron I dont know what happened when you were pg with your babies. But I can tell you that during both pregnancies and in the first year of our kids lives, dps behaviour, his rigidity; his anger; his continued all nighters; his obsession with what was breaking us very nearly broke us. Only now I wish I'd had more courage esp as I had a strong case back then but my god it is hard battling this and everything else pregnancy brings.

Bottoms up iron! Im lying in bed on mn ignoring dp.

Jesus Iron. Big hugs
Didn't mean to pry sorry. Leaving is not easy at the best of times let alone when pregnant and traumatised. You sound ina stronger place right now. X

Welsh - it was meant to be a PM!!!!! I went on IE and thought had PM'd you - subsequently deleted (thanks MNHQ) although gawd knows how many people saw that pathetic post

Oh Iron I so feel for you. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it better, you so deserve better.
How bad. Good on you, stick around to give us some hope that there is a way out of this hamster wheel.
I've been thrown back on the starting block by my counsellor suggesting we try couple counselling again. Last time she said he was nowhere near ready to change and when we did the first and only couple counselling he came out thinking he was fine, he'd said he was sorry and that was it.
I'm not sure I can try again esp if he's saying the minimum and I'm like ok you've said your sorry.
I know that her style is just reflecting and last time on my own I felt like it was, how are you staying with this guy, but when he's he interpreted her as, oh she hasn't said anything it wasn't that bad then. Help