Curious to hear from people who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL but just unsatisfying

[All0vertheplace]

Have you made the tough choice to leave a marriage -- not because of abuse or an affair, but just because you were mismatched and things weren't working out.

If so, how was that decision, and how have your life and relationships been since?

Can't believe how many people are posting on this thread!

I am switching from stay / divorce / stay / divorce Gah!!!!!!

Finally got word from P - he agrees with me about him moving out and the dcs having shared residence. We'll be sorting the details out.

Made contact with a long lost friend today and found out she is single too. It's great to chat in real life.

Courage, mes braves!

I spent a year or so with the indecision. It got worse in the early months of this year, and then overnight I made the decision and it was such a relief. Obviously I knew how bad things could get thereafter- I've been divorced before- but just having made the decision seemed like a weight off my shoulders. Once I'd made it, I told a few select friends who have listened to my moans over the years and the support I got- and am still getting- is incredible.

STBXH is still behaving weirdly. He's taken a week off work and is doing so much stuff around the house that I have little to do. And all it's making me feel is annoyed and stifled. He knows that even at the best of times I need a lot of solitude and yet he thinks that following me around, being there all the time is going to appeal to me. He stood outside the door as I was on the loo the other day, asking what I wanted for lunch. This from the man who, for 12 years, has sat on his backside waiting for me to bring lunch to him!

Something that's also really annoyed me (and I'm aware how petty this is! )- he reorganised ds2's chest of drawers because it 'made putting things away easier'. But I organised those drawers years ago to make it easy for ds2 and me to put things away! Now STBXH has decided it all has to change because he's spent two weeks putting clothes in there... Like I say, I know it's petty, but it just pissed me off that after doing very little around the house for 12 years, he now feels he knows better than me!

Shodan - sorry I'm confused - is your partner moving out? Or are you?

Things I am looking forward to

Having more free time
Having the house to myself (with dcs, or when dcs are in bed)
Going on holiday without dp, maybe with sister or friend
having tidiness, clarity, privacy
getting on with my life and not bothering to feel resentful of him any more (this one has already started!)
Having official "shared residence" so not having to do all all the housework and laundry related to dcs any more (this has started already; not sure why but he is pulling his weight, more, weirdly, I am sure this is not because he wants to get back together, perhaps he is just.... practising?)
seeing loving couples posts on facebook and not having to think "why does my partner not love, support, admire, respect me?" - because I won't have one

Things I am not looking forward to

Missing dcs when they are not at mine
telling my parents
telling anyone
working out the money / property shit; having to deal with P close up and personal

• and then having less money

dealing with P's various logistical fuck-ups from a distance (they will happen, but I will be too arms length to fix them and then my children will be late for things, not have things they need, miss things, and so on, and I will feel bad about it while not being able to do anything about it) seeing nuclear family photos on facebook and asking myself why I failed Being lonely

I had a awful day yesterday with my H. He dragged a really petty argument out for 11 hours and it could of been sorted in less than half a hour if he would of just spoken and told me his side and how he felt but instead threw a stop and ignored me. I was ready to throw the towel in last night but I ended up in tears and thought that's not what I want.

I'm undecided one moment I want to split up and the next stay together.

But without the effort on his part we can't stay together so I am banging my head against a wall. It will take a miracle to change it and he needs a shock to the system to work that out.

I spoke to a councilor today and have decided against it. I originally wanted to go as a couple but he flat out refuses. I wanted to go as he doesn't talk to me and will twist things so it could be a safe place to talk in a controlled environment but as they can't guide me towards the right path I feel I don't need to discuss my issues with her. It's my H I want to talk to but he won't listen or go so I'm not going to waste my money.

As utterly silly as this sounds I have decided to see a medium. I've been recommended to someone a while ago who has seen some of my friends and have blown them away with what they have been told. I feel I need to seek some kind of direction even if it's a yes carry on everything will be ok. Or if it is a I can see you alone in the future. I just need something or a sign as I am so torn on what to do for the best. It's constantly on my mind I'm confused and have a permanent headache from it all.

Hi fish,
you sound very alone. I know that feeling of - "if he could just see" -

I got really sad in the night when it suddenly all hit me. and now I am angry. I am angry that he is prepared to go to great efforts, now and in the long term, to be without me. he will have to work much harder and we will both have a lot less money. Why couldn't he find any effort to support me? So he can find the energy and the motivation to take my children away from me and look after some other place (and deny us all material comfort in the process - as we have to make our money support two homes). But he couldn't find the effort to look after me at all, or look after this place, or do any laundry for the dcs he wants to go and live with him more time than with me.

I am sure he would say he is really sad he "has" to do this but he has no idea what his part in all this is.

I also believe he has no idea how much comfort he derives from this unit and how having to find the labour and money to replace my input will deplete him.

I also believe that when he does find out, he will blame me. Instead of realising how much I added to his life when we were together, he will blame me that I am so awful he "had" to leave and now things are so hard for him.

I'm sad and angry this morning. I was wondering when I was going to feel bad about everything and now it has hit me. I am even wondering if we have to do this. I've been so miserable for so long though. I have been wondering if there are compromise things we can do.... just agree we never have to go on holiday together?

Fish and HowBad.
So he has told his parents it's over. That came as a bit of a shock to me. I haven't even told my Dad just his wife - that things are bad. I got home from work around half 4 yesterday and they didn't get back until 18:20. I had been a little panicky but kept telling myself he's taken them somewhere nice etc.
So I broke the ice last night (We hadn't spoken since Sunday in a very, very small house 2 up, 2 down - which has caused a lot of the problems as we haven't been able to sell it.) asking if ok for me to got to training. He said of course I presumed you were going anyway. Fine. I asked if he would be up when I got home (21:30) he said no. I said I thought we could have a chat.
Get home from training and he's still up, says so what's the plan. Says he can't make me happy, etc. But we'll have to stay in the house as we can't afford 2. I said I could afford the mortgage. And he went to bed.
In all honesty I think he is over this now. So my head is fucked. I don't know whether he is trying to call my bluff. I can't remember why it came to this. I feel like it's me with all the problems - more so from the Superdad act this week - basically making me redundant of any chores when I got home from work.
But there is still the 'sleeping in my DC's bottom bunk' issue. I think he thinks he is entitled to sleep in 'our' bed.
Anyway. No idea now whether to go for it or backtrack and not split the unit up

Iron- I'm not surprised you're confused! I read my posts back and realise that I'd obviously posted random thoughts as they occurred to me

H (I can;'t decide between H, DH or STBXH ) has now said he'll move out. We are having very civilised discussions about contact, maintenance etc. His parents are being normal- they even brought two plants round for the garden, although they know he's moving out. Am I actually going through the most amicable break up in the history of break ups???

As for your own situation- my own instinct would be to carry on along your path. It seems a waste, almost, to have gone through all this angst only to backtrack and possibly have to go through it all again at a later dat. BUT- this is your marriage, your life- you can only do what's best for YOU (as opposed to everyone else).

This isn't getting any easier for any of us is it?
Well update my end. After he lost his job,he is now sounding a lot more positive and not blaming me anymore at least! He has realised this was just the company trying to save money and had him in their sights. With the payout he has around 5 months breathing space to find a new job and is taking it as a kick up the bum to change careers as he hated what he was doing anyway.
The downside to this positive mood is that he has gone back to normal with us again despite me telling him in no uncertain terms I don't love him and want out at the weekend. He is now acting as if nothing is the matter.
He wants us to have an evening together with a few drinks tonight so looks like I will have to pull at that scab again and start all over again!! Complete denial over the whole situation and what's happening.
I just want out now. I want to sell the house and start my new life instead of it dragging out even more.

Same here MissWhat. It's like nothing has ever been mentioned. Happily families this am all out in car shopping for shit and now WE are ALL sat on devices as the weather is shit and I haven't got the energy :(
Back to square 1

Hi. Big love to all in this situation.
I'm about done with my relationship. I've told him I've tried everything I can think of and am done and it's over to him. He was shocked as if he'd never really thought about our situation seriously. I left it at that and have slept apart since then and nothing. Three days and no communication, barely talking, no suggestions. What quite annoyed me was that he said he'd played a practical joke on one of the women in his work the day after this talk. And I thought that probably took more thinking and effort than he's given me even though we're at the brink of splitting and he's meant to be my H and father of my dcs!!
And he's not the jokey type.
It's made me quite sad that I've spent so much time and effort myself on a guy who has no interest in trying to save this marriage beyond saying sorry and let's put this behind us. This is it I think. Hand holding required, edge of cliff jump needed! 🙄

I'm done with mine; couldn't be any more lonely than I am now.

Shodan if only all of our breakups could look like yours seems to be at the moment. to everyone whose partners are being difficult.

We're living in a sort of relationship limbo, with neither of us able to articulate "The End" yet. Quite aside from being stuck under the same roof for another two months, I'm having surgery in 3 weeks. I'm trying to set up a small business so I'll have some sort of income when we separate, but oh, the stress

I blurted out my plans to a friend a couple of days ago, thinking she'd tell me I was being unreasonable. Hearing her say she thought I needed to get out, that I'm shouldering too much responsibility without backup, was wonderful. I didn't realise other people saw it too.

Josian- I agree, I wish it could be as easy as mine appears to be. Although it's still messing with my head! My first marriage break up was appalling, so maybe I'm naturally distrusting, but I just wish this could all be over and done with.

Handholding and to all of you- this will take a lot of strength and courage but we'll all get through it eventually.

Hello everyone

Just checking in again. Things are decidedly strange at my house at the moment. H and I had the briefest (and friendliest..!) of chats yesterday.

I went in and sat down in his office, and said I think we need to talk properly, dont you? He said "well, what is there to talk about, we are leading seperate lives". I said I think we should clear the air though, I don't want to feel like either of us are sneaking around. I also think we should tell people what's going on. He said he'd have concerns about this getting back to the kids, and I said well I think we are going to have to tell our eldest (15, going through teenage horrors). We agree that she has a lot going on in her mind, but I also think that she's not a fool and that she has a right to know more than she currently does. I'm also worried about the model of "marriage" that she sees in front of her, and I want her to know that it's atypical.
We left it at that we will both think further on this. Had a small hug.
Then I went out.
It's all just weird weird weird. It all feel calm and normal. I guess both of us have totally checked out. That's the only explanation I can come up with.

upyergansey, great that you were able to talk rationally and calmly. That bodes well for the future, I think.
Shodan, I hope things continue amicably :)
Josian, I'm glad you got that validation from an outside person, it kind of reassures you that you're not being unreasonable/crazy/demanding/whatever, doesn't it
for everyone who's having to go over the same old ground again and again. Having the conversation is hard enough without having to repeat it on a weekly basis!

Update here, she says she is moving out on Wednesday evening. She's fixed the door she punched and did a very good job, to give her credit where it's due. I saw some friends yesterday and am feeling a bit more chipper due to that, everyone is being very supportive. I just can't wait till it's all over

Seems like I'm pretty much where many of you are! One week post Conversation and dh just not accepting how i can be so selfish to put my feelings ahead of the children's (as he sees it). Sees it as the end of their happiness - has been so difficult to keep on with what I want and to try and get him to focus on what we need to do now. He doesn't seem to accept that I have no feelings for him and that they can't be 'got back'. Awful atmosphere and constant sniping etc etc. He's booked a Relate session for Wednesday night thinking I will 'see sense' but I've been clear I will just be saying what I've said to him. A least he will have to listen with a third person there.

So interesting how many of us are on such a similar track. The limbo phase continues here -- we've actually been quite affectionate and functional these last few days.

Morning all, we seem to be the same too although I think we have gone back to normal as we know we are meeting the counsellor tomorrow morning so are holding off until then. But we are still like flatmates.
to all, its all a bit weird isn't it?

No talking at all in my house had drinks and an evening together Saturday. Apparently I 'wasn't trying' as I wasn't as lively as usual
Told him AGAIN that I didn't love him and wanted to separate. Strangely I'm feeling so much stronger at the moment. He tried emotionally guilting me again using the kids but I'm staying strong and sticking to my guns now. Time to get off this merry go round

Good for you misswhattodo . Same tactics being used here too re: the kids. It is so emotionally knackering but you are right that we have to get off the merry go round and try otherwise things will just revert to how they were - actually worse now that the conversation's been had.
Our Relate session is Wednesday though am very much seeing it as a chance to clearly state my position (again!!!) but this time in front of a stranger so he'll have to listen. He on the other hand sees it as a chance to get things 'back to normal'. Dreading it.
Today I see he's changed/cancelled his credit card or something so I can't use it...Not that I rely on his money as we both earn similar but use his card for communal stuff like online supermarket shop...So that will be another Conversation that will need to be had later! I've also been told how 'horrified' his friends are about what I've done...No surprises there I suppose!

Hello All. Same here. Proper 'family' weekend and I was thinking "it's not so bad I can do this". But then I slept with DD in her bunk (and he let me). He was doing something with the computers for DS getting irritated and angry, losing temper, trying to get me involved. By last night I was feeling exactly the same as Friday night and today I just don't know what to do. It's a fucking dreadful feeling. I don't know what I'm doing

The 'indecision place' is such an exhausting and painful place to be stuck. The tight chest. The light-headedness. The shortness of breath.