Curious to hear from people who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL but just unsatisfying

[All0vertheplace]

Have you made the tough choice to leave a marriage -- not because of abuse or an affair, but just because you were mismatched and things weren't working out.

If so, how was that decision, and how have your life and relationships been since?

We are in a civil partnership. She wants me to sign something to say that I'm the one who asked her to leave, she thinks that will mean I can't then ask for half the debts to be paid and/or half her inheritance. She's saying all the debt is from things I bought for me but it's not, it was furniture for the house mainly. I'm not sure where I stand legally? Would a solicitor go through the credit card bills and say well that things was a joint expense so she can pay half of that, but that wasnt so she won't have to pay that part? I genuinely don't want her father's money, but the debt she's leaving me with, especially since she will then go on to be comfortable with her inheritance and I'll be struggling...

Allover, not what you want to hear at all. Have you replied to your dad?

Morning all.
I am going to try writing your names down when I'm not on the phone as I can't remember the earlier ones, but for now big hugs to all. Thank you Floundering for your inspiration.
I had s counselling session on my own yesterday and although it wasn't that illuminating it was cathartic and helpful to hear back some of those thoughts people have said about not feeling guilty, there is a choice, we deserve love, we aren't being selfish by listening to our own needs and that not to do so could lead to mental ill health and other things like alcohol etc.
The upshot of it was I had another 'talk' with dh, he said again, I've said sorry lets just move on, and I've said well I've tried lots of things and the ball is in his court now as just saying sorry and carrying on is not enough and as far as I can see I'm the one that's tried lots of different things and kept bringing up the issues while he's initiated nothing. I slept in the spare room and had a much better sleep than usual.
But after all this I don't know what to do now this morning. That positivity has left me now and I'm dreading going back to the same rut of no communication, no emotional connection, no relationship.

Morning Everyone. I know how you feel Shandy. I am exactly at the point of 'returning' to normal and my unhappiness or doing something but just can't bring myself to call a solicitor :(. We haven't spoken since Sunday. It's very, very weird and I don't know what to do... Any advice would be really great.

And AllOver - you started this thread. It seems that quite a lot of us who have posted are now at similar stages in our journeys. I'm not sure how we jump the next hurdle...

Remember that episode of Seinfeld where George quite his job - he does this spectacular flounce out of a meeting and yells I QUIT. Then over the weekend he realises he's made a huge mistake and decides to just go back in on Monday and act as if nothing happened.

This is like that.

information for gruffalogirl

gruffalogirl I hope the link above helps in some way. Please do not sign anything until you know what you are legally entitled to. Its not about being grabby its about making sure you are not left completely in the shit when its not your fault.

shandy and allover and Ironneon I'm guessing you feel a bit like you are here ? No idea what happens next I'm afraid. I guess you either keep talking or you present a plan to your other halves of how things needs to work or you call a solicitor. I wish you all the luck in the world with whatever road you go down. What about writing a timeline of how you would like separation to go? And all the things you need to consider? I love lists , they really help me make sense of what I want.
Just been introduced to my personal counsellor by email. Looking forward to this (but the marriage counselling one not so much...)

Thank you floundering

I've been lurking on this thread for a long time now. It's so sad too see so many of you in similar situations.

I've been with my H for 16 years. Got married very young and had ups and downs ever since mainly downs.

He changed after we had DC, turns out he was not happy when I found out I was pregnant. However he never said anything and just went along with it. Never thought to say he didn't want children. I think in his mind he thinks I trapped him but he will never speak about it. He became quite cold to me and we have had issues ever since.

Things got really bad 5/6 years ago and we split up as he was unhappy, at this point I had been unhappy for years as the way he treated me got worse no respect for me and I felt worthless and we used to argue like crazy. I didn't take the separation well and use to text him constantly. Once I stopped altogether he started chasing me a bit and we ended up back together.

Things were great for 2/3 years we had lots of sex as before we really didn't we rarely argued.

Now I can't put my finger on what's changed but he's becoming very disrespectful towards me we argue lots he can't speak to me civil and I don't trust him because as soon as my ass is out that door he looks at secret porn. This is from someone who hates it.

The love has fallen out of our relationship from my side now and I'm not sure what I want. We ended up having the talk last week and my main points were lack of intimacy respect and make some time for me and he swore he would make the effort to put it all right. So far he has held his hand out to me for me to take his hand. That's it.

I am so fed up of it all I cried my heart out this weekend and he just doesn't care he is not interested one bit.

I am giving our situation one month as DC will be on school camp for a long weekend so if a huge improvement hasn't happened by then I think I will be ending it. In one respect I don't want that to happen but on the other it will be a case of make or break.

I need to wait until DC is out the house as when our arguments get heated he has became violent in the past. He's not hit me as such but he has raised his fist to me and a few months ago he managed to chip a bone in my foot I can't remember how now as I do tend to block it all out. I think he dragged me across the bed by my foot and was pressing so hard.

Thank you floundering and welcome fish
This is the part of my day I dread the most. Catching the train. Walking up to my house. Opening the front door and the ignoring all bloody evening. You could cut the atmosphere with a knife. My poor kids :(

Welcome fish and golden. Fish, I'm so sorry you've been hurt by him, it sounds awful, will you be safe speaking to him in person or would it be better to write to him? Is there anyone else who could be in the house with you so he can't become violent, a brother with a baseball bat family member or friend?

goldenorb, would you and H consider mediation to come to agreements over finances and custody? That can be really helpful.

Not for my current situation but I have in the past and found it very helpful. A non judgemental, non emotionally involved person to help you untangle things just makes things a lot easier

I don't think he will be violent. I think he will just either go quietly or put up a fight for me (not at me) but I highly doubt that.

I think I sat on things too long before I spoke out and I'm pretty certain I'm outta love for him now and it's gone past that. However I am looking at councling. I've just found someone quite near me who charges £40 per session it's private not relate. How does that sound price wise for a 50min session?
I would be going alone as according to him he haven't got issues its all me and it's all in my head.

If any of you had councling how have you found it? I've got so much that needs to come out and if you keep opening that door does it not make you sad each time?

Does it help, do they guide you on what to do or is it just a listening ear?

Ugh. Sad today for the first time.
Tired, with a really bad headache. Maybe that is why.
I am going to have to write an email with something in it.I am going to have to drive this car off a cliff.

Thats what I feel like how bad. Well when i have strong ending the relationship feelings. Right now I'm extremely confused. Struggling with the torture of indecision. Any one else feel like this.

The thing is, if he would / could be the person he thinks he is, it would be ok. I feel stupidly like ... what if I could tell him what I need / want, what if he could do it....? but of course he won't listen or change so I am just being stupid to think like that.

I have been in a sort of cloud cuckoo land of relief for the past 2 weeks and just enjoying pottering about without him, the reality is starting to sink in now.

I don't feel strong enough to take charge. I have never been able to get him to listen to me about anything when we were together and now it falls to me to lever this whole thing into the next phase, and he isn't going to listen to me now either. But I have to do it anyway.

Yes Welsh - the indecision is torture :(

The indecision is really hurting me too. Physical symptoms, stomach churning all the time. I think it fades during the day but like a cold or flu it's at its worst last thing at night and first thing in the morning. The words "Oh no" just keep bubbling up in my mind as I roll around trying to go to sleep or avoid waking up.