Hello
I have been reading this thread for days because it is so long! I have read all the posts now and feel like I can post. Nice to "meet" you all.
I have been with P for 11 years, we have two children, 7 and 5, we are not married.
Things haven't been right for ages. On the "10 year itch" thing - someone was talking about the pressures of small children and normal life and stuff - and yes, all that applies.
About 2 and a half years ago I was having a really tough time. DD2 was being really tricky about bed times and night waking and P wasn't getting involved at all. I was going through something incredibly tough at work. I was exhausted all the time, really hanging on, really trying to make a go of everything. One day at work I had some minor success where I actually succeeded in getting something done that had looked impossible at times. I went for a walk at lunchtime to reward myself with some very unusual fresh air and for some reason while I was out on the street I suddenly realised that no one would ever say "well done" to me.
I can't talk to P about work as he is so bored by me and it, and he doesn't think anything I do is worth anything anyway. Also he would have no interest in the context of me doing work with broken sleep as he thinks he does all the childcare because he works locally and collects them from school / childminder after his work while I am still commuting (and then checks out completely the second I get home and awards himself full leisure time from then on).
For some reason I felt incredibly alone and this struck me as so sad that my knees actually buckled and I stood in the street crying, not able to walk anywhere or do anything. I was in the habit of pep talking myself "you can do it! Hang on! Yes you can!" and I was used to doing without encouragement. But suddenly, having actually succeeded in something, it seemed impossible to do without celebration or congratulation.
Despite this, we staggered on, with various ups and downs but no intimacy. Like some other posters, I experimented in what would happen if I stopped the little kisses or touches I initiated out of habit - and we stopped touching altogether.
We rowed two weeks ago, and P pushed me across the room forcefully in anger. He has done that before, several times. For two weeks we haven't spoken at all except for P saying in anger that he was looking at flats to leave me; blank logistical day to day stuff; and me emailing him that I think we should get mediation to separate properly and legally, and him ignoring it.
Suddenly I am so open to possibility and so exhausted of him and what he thinks. I used to have rows in my head where he would get my POV and now I honestly don't care that he never will. I only need him to understand me, or my representative, to the point that we can practically separate. That is all. I have had so much heartache from his dogmatic and onesided view of things over the years and it's just too late.
Ironically in this time of complete social frigidity, he has been practically very considerate. My life has never been easier. Small things I have wanted him to do for years, that are not hard for him to do but make things a lot less stressful for me, are happening. I don't know whether this is because he doesn't actually want to split (which would explain why he is ignoring the mediation email too); or because he wants to look good in the event of a split.
Sorry this is so long.