Curious to hear from people who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL but just unsatisfying

[All0vertheplace]

Have you made the tough choice to leave a marriage -- not because of abuse or an affair, but just because you were mismatched and things weren't working out.

If so, how was that decision, and how have your life and relationships been since?

Been through similar myself just recently, though we didn't make it quite to ten years. For the past 9 months, we have spent very little time living together, one of us is always staying with a friend or family member.

The breaks seem to get longer, and the happiness that comes with absence gets shorter. I've no doubt that we still love each other, but we are worlds apart and what once made us so strong are now the things pushing us apart.

I moved out 2 weeks ago, and over this last weekend realised that calling myself happy is a bit of a stretch, but I'm no longer miserable.

I left my exh as he was just not bothered about anything. He never tidied up, never paid any bills didn't help with the dc. I got totally fucked off with him so sent him packing. That was nearly three years ago.
I've now met the love of my life and we have a baby together. He helps me doing house stuff and supports me. My life is so much better now. And my house is beautiful. It used to be an absolute shit-tip as exh would just leave stuff everywhere and hoard shit.
I've never been happier.

Hello. How is everyone this morning? Lots of new people I see. It's both nice to see you and sad you are here.
We have agreed to counselling. I have located 2 near us (we don't have relate or anything here plus we need good English speakers as neither of us can do it in the local language ). How long and how regularly do people go? Just wondering how long I have to realistically put up with it. I have told him all the things and behaviours that have caused this. I have told him I will leave if it cannot get better (in 18 years neither of us have threatened this so no small thing). He has acknowledged almost nothing I have said. I told him I thought he had never loved me. Not acknowledged. I never knew he was so utterly devoid of emotions. He actually said 'can you explain what you want as maybe I'm missing something'. Then went on to give me a list of questions that read like a pre-appraisal questionnaire. No 'I love you and I want to work it out ' just a sense of dogged perseverance and a sense of duty. I want counselling to help me get out.

Hi floundering -- many people do use counselling as an opportunity to build a constructive route out of a relationship rather than a way of staying in one. Do you think you and DH might be going into the counselling with mismatched expectations?

welsh
What a charming thing for ur dh to say about dc.
i feel like i dont want sex with dp at all at the min after his bombshell that he only agreed to another baby to keep me happy. And has now changed his mind and expects me to be fine about it!the other half of me thinks just accept it. I spoke to my sister yesterday and she said why would you want a baby anyway with a man whos already got no patience with the ones that hes got. True.
yes my dp on second family. Well hes a similar age to me but had a toddler when i met him. Obviously grown up now.
perhaps hes just had enough of bringing up children. Fair enough i guess,but not my problem. He knew my plans and hopes when we met.
could probably understand not wanting me dc if he had other ideas,like doing more things,going out more,going places. But no. Happy doing not very much.
hes got day off work today. Hea just put a film on. At 1030a.m!!!

10:30am is OK for putting a film on if you're ill or if it's raining outside. Otherwise, not so much.

DH has turned into SuperDad almost overnight. Hasn't drunk since Friday (I have and am tonight). No texts all day, no asking me what's wrong. When I got home and I can't bring anything up.
A couple of weeks ago I was coming home late from work to them all sat around on computer/devices and headphones. Tonight he was doing maths with oldest DC and cleaning.
I want to file for divorce. Why is he being like this after months of no sex, me sleeping in bunk with DC (8 months) and telling me I'm bipolar at Christmas. I'm starting to feel mentally ill about my decisions.
Help!

Exactly all overtheplace.
Only time id say its okay

allover maybe he was for a while but not any more. I told him I couldn't see how it could be resolved and I couldn't see a future for us so we needed counselling sooner rather than later. He actually replied by saying he's sorry. I feel it is a (very very tiny) step forward. Remains to be seen what he is like when we are face to face though .

iron could you keep a simple diary/ notebook where you can jot down how long he lasts as superdad, when he is awful to you etc? Ithe might show you that you are not mad!

Floundering- I was planning to end it this week. Horrible day in work after horrible weekend (any interaction with him). How can he act like everything is 'normal'? That's not right is it? I haven't spoken to him all evening - shouldn't he ask me what's going on?

No it not right at all. This last few days has been a fucking massive learning curve into other people's psyches. I would not be surprised at anything. Does he think if he acts normal it'll all go away?

Yes. He does because it has before. I'm so fed up. I'm in bunk bed with DC trying to fall asleep :,(

Then I think persistence is the only thing you can do to make the change. At least that is the route I'm taking as my h is the same like that.

He's just got into my bed. How???? I'm so fed up.

I can empathise so much with the post -Conversation stresses. Admittedly it was only last Wednesday that I had The Conversation, but after the initial recriminations, anger etc he now seems to be acting as if nothing has changed...Very depressing after everything it took to get the words out.
So, plan of action...give it a few more days then layer on Conversation #2, about living arrangements or at the least changing bedrooms around in the house so that we're not in the same one 😁 I'm also going to book in a free half hour session with the solicitor and get some info about recording dates of separation (a lawyer friend advised that) I'm sure he won't admit to unreasonable behaviour so we'd no doubt be looking at,2 years separation.
Hoping we can all keep strong - just keep on keeping on.

Hi all x well shit has really hit the fan here basically he got sacked today he's persistently not been meeting targets so beeb offered a substantial payout if he leaves. Trying to console him but not sure what to say or do based on our conversation last night and the fact he has blamed me in the past for not being able to focus at work because of everything going on.
Haven't really spoken tonight. I feel so sorry for him that this is all at the same time I don't want to kick him when he's down but on the other hand I don't want this to drag things out longer than necessary!
What do I do??

I never located my balls to leave my not-awful-but-unsatisfying relationship. And then he, eh, dumped me because he needed to 'be himself' again.

Things weren't awful but I realised after being chucked that I had been completely miserable in our relationship. Like - talking-to-myself-when-I-was walking miserable, I thought I was going mad. He isn't a bad person, was way better looking than me was some of the most fun I ever had to talk to, talented, clever. But being in a relationship with him turned me into a person I didn't recognise or like very much. I was angry with him. I hated how antisocial he was, hated his refusal to go anywhere there'd be a 'crowd', I hated what he was like when he hurt himself slightly or got sick (..probably cancer...probably need stitches...something very wrong with me..) I hated how much he let me/made me shoulder financially (everything. He was an 'artist'). From about 5 years in I haaaaated him touching me, didn't realise 'skin crawling' was a literal thing that happens and not a metaphor until he kissed my neck one day. I just thought I needed to learn how to be a better, more generous, less demanding person. (I did not, he is a selfish person & an epic cock lodger.)

So then I was on my own and I was devastated for about 2 weeks. And a f*cking weird thing happened, I started being happier than I had been for years. People commented on it. I'm fairly sure my friends thought I was on drugs. It was just the most glorious thing being free of him, I hadn't realised how much I squashed myself down trying not to overwhelm him with me. I'm not saying I was immediately better and over him but I was, and am, so, so much happier not in a relationship with him. I really, deeply wish I had broken up with him before we moved in together, he never really wanted to see me and I knew it wasn't right, but I thought things would get better. Ha ha, no. (and then six weeks after we split up I was on a dating site rounding up boys to sleep with to try and see what riding rings round me was like and I met the first one of them and we fell deeply, insanely in love with each other and are getting married. Wasn't expecting that one.)

Cake - my ex was so similar!

Miss , that's bloody awful, did he see it coming? So hard to not hurt the one you love.

Tonight dp is sleeping with unsettled dc and i miss him. So confused. I also looked at him earlier and thought i just don-t fancy you (i think this intermittenly). Am.sure this isnt right. He's furious that we've not had sex for ages. Now it's become such an issue can't bring myself to.

My dp has been quite normal all day,even cheerful. Little bit feeling sorry for himself saying things like 'oh didnt think you would want to make me a sandwich' shit like that.
ive kept conversation to a bare minimum.
Think he only twigged later in the day and got a bit sarky. Silly me bit and responded.
We had a row. He said he cant stand me
Ive got work very early tomorow and out all day. I dont want to go. What should i do?
Also i need a little comeback for his spiteful comment about Not being able to stand me

DH and I have been getting along much better since The Conversation.

However, last night he put forward the idea that we should carry on living together "for ds2's sake"- for at least a couple of years. My heart plummeted, tbh. His argument is that we get on well as friends- well, yeah, while he's being 'Dad of the Year'- and it wold be less unsettling for ds2.

Now I have to have Conversation#2 and tell him I don't want to live with any friend, let alone him.

It's not that I'm hoping to have a stream of 'men friends' around all the time- it's just that I'm really looking forward to never having to hear him noisily eating and drinking again...

Sigh.

Shodan I imagine your dc would find it very confusing if you were to separate but stay together in the house. If the parents are to split I think it is better for the child to get used to how things are going to be straight away, otherwise you are causing 2 lots of heartache for them and they will pick up stresses and unhappiness no matter how old they are.

miss your poor H, thats rough. But it is not your fault. I guess he is taking the anger out on you but if he couldn't concentrate and it was affecting things at work he should have either taken some time off and dealt with it or asked work for some help in some way. Had he been there a long time? Is he scared of changing jobs? At least he gets a payoff.

diege you sound like you are on the case with things. Could you cite irreconcilable differences rather than unreasonable behaviour? I have no idea how these things work. Does it make a difference what you cite?

How many of you have done counselling, either alone or as a couple? I want to access both. Today I am feeling scared of the future and all the things I feel I want to say to H are going to sound so hurtful when they eventually come out. What if I make the big step of leaving with the kids and they hate me for it? What if I pick a shit place to live? We still have our UK house but I think it is unlikely we would be able to live in it, I think it would have to be sold as it is in an expensive part of UK (outer london). Oh god this is horrible. I guess I should email some solicitors as a back shouldn't I?

misswhattodo That sounds like really awful timing. Does he have family nearby?

Floundering thank you for that. I've been struggling to articulate why I think it's a bad idea, for ds2, for us to stay in the same house together, and you've summed it up perfectly. I shall tell H that when the conversation crops up again.

Re: counselling. I suggested to H that we go, to help him process all this, but his reply was that he wasn't going to waste money on counselling if it wasn't going to keep us together. As for myself- well, I'm old enough now to be able to recognise what I did wrong in both marriages (I basically married two men who were exactly the same, deep down, although STBXH seemed different on the surface) and counselling would, I fear, open up too many cans of worms for me to want to deal with. Maybe in a few years though.

I want to say this again: Our feelings, our lives, are as important as anyone else's. What I notice, over and over again, in all our posts, is how we're considering everyone's feelings to the detriment of our own. Obviously we're all going to worry about the children, and even our STBXHs- but we do need to hang onto our own importance. (Sorry if I sound preachy )

I said to STBXH last night that I do find all this hard. He looked sceptical and asked why, and I thought then- you can't know me very well, really, if you don't believe that I would find this so hard.

A bit rambly this morning, sorry. He's taken a week off work and is just 'at' me all the time. Not in a nasty way, but just constantly there and being jolly and chatty. It's winding me up, tbh.

shodan I'm not surprised its winding you up! It would drive me absolutely bonkers.
Maybe solo counselling in a few years for you (maybe if you meet someone else?) coud be good for you. It sounds like you could maybe benefit but I imagine its difficult to start....

Thanks for the pep talk. I need it. I need to remember how unhappy I have been if I want to change things. Is it odd that I am a bit scared in case counselling means we end up staying together? I don't even like the way he smells, the way he eats etc anymore. I can't see how that can change? I'm bloody terrified at the prospect of breaking up my family and it being the wrong thing to do.