Curious to hear from people who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL but just unsatisfying

[All0vertheplace]

Have you made the tough choice to leave a marriage -- not because of abuse or an affair, but just because you were mismatched and things weren't working out.

If so, how was that decision, and how have your life and relationships been since?

to everyone xxx

I've just spent the evening on the phone to my best friend and run out of wine so resorted to drinking vodka and a bit too much

I know I shouldn't be drinking this much but went down too easily while chatting to her and he was at work.

He's back from work now asking where we should go tomorrow. He wants the family day yet again asking me where we should go!!

Wish I was sober enough to carry on our conversation but I'm not so will not go the right way!! Time to come to bed and try again tomorrow me thinks xxx

How you getting on backtome? Good luck and stay string xxx

awoof stay strong lovely xx can guess that post talk is just as difficult as during and more tense

floundering I'm almost jealous of you having him not there but know the waiting for him to come home must be just as hard

Lots of huge hugs iron. There is no easy situation here. Pre, during or during conversation. I was dreading it the other night but just started it. Still no further forward but it's still in the air. Unfortunately I'm too drunk to carry on tonight so looks like will be tomorrow. Despite being so passive he is a very strong debater so need my wits about me! It won't be done in one conversation so feel strong to get phase 1 started, you've at least got the ball rolling then xx

So much swirling around at the moment. Encouraging to hear people are breaking out of the stasis and forcing the issue, although god knows it's hard. I strongly suspect my own situation has passed the tipping point -- that 'going over the roller coaster' feeling. All the time.

Here's another one to join the group! So torn. We've been together 12 years, married 8. Always knew he was someone I could live with not unable to live without. Doubts before marriage but didn't want to let anyone down and wanted dc. We struggled ttc and I think we would have split a few years ago had I not got pregnant. Time spent with his family is begrudgingly given, we're both lazy which is why I get pissed off that he doesn't pull his weight. I like to entertain and want to go camping with he kids he just sees it as avoidable effort. We don't share many interests. Just been away with work for a while and I haven't missed him and barely thought of him all week. When he did walk through the door and wanted a kiss and hug I had to try to not flinch. All the same as what I've been reading here. Is it a 10 year thing??! TBH I can't help thinking I have brought this all on myself and feel sorry that I'm thinking about hurting him but I'm finding it harder to conceal my feelings (or lack of) towards him and wondering how much longer I can go on. It's so sad. weve had a chat about my 'love but not in love' feelings and I've suggested counselling which he agreed to but neither of us have arranged. TBH I feel like I can't be bothered with the effort. He is a decent bloke but hard work at times. I feel like I've been making effort for 10 years. I'm worn out.

Fluffy. I do also wonder re the 10 year thing. And .. much of your post resonates with me.

We spent last night talking and there's no animosity; we both recognise things are shit and we're unhappy. Lots of to-and-fro on the "blame" front and we've acknowledged things must change if it's going to work. I don't think it will-I think we're too far down the rabbit hole-but I have to try, don't I?
Looking into counselling to see about getting help to try and get us back on track.
I'm just so tired. It's so hard to get motivated about something you feel is just done.

It's so hard to get motivated about something you feel is just done

That;s exactly how I feel. We had a conversation (not The Conversation, but the prequel, if you like ) some weeks ago and I said I would go to counselling, if he organised it. But I kind of knew he wouldn't, so really it was a sop to Cerberus, I think.

I snapped last night- like welsh, I've been suffocated by ostentatious 'Mr Family' behaviour. I asked him what he was hoping to achieve by being like that, because my feelings hadn't changed. His answer was that he'd had a lightbulb moment and was a changed man, but that there was no ulterior motive. Hard to believe!

I can identify with a lot of fluffy's post too...

I haven't initiated The Conversation yet (though a year back he asked me if I was going to leave him and I said "Not yet"). After reading your experiences on here I'm really torn about when to bring it up.

We're both stuck where we are until the lease on this house expires in a couple of months. I feel like I'm not being fair to not tell him when I'm sure I want out, but I don't want to tell him too early and have a toxic atmosphere that I can't escape from for weeks on end. He wouldn't get aggressive, but he's good at looking wounded and sad and bringing the mood down for everyone.

Maybe this is also unfair of me, but I don't WANT to give him a chance to pull his socks up. If he suddenly decided to get off the couch and do what he should have been doing all these years it would make it harder to do what I need to do.

I wish I had some

Hi to everyone and to all whether you are pre, mid or post conversation.

My DH is lovely, wants to be caring, tries to do everything he can to care and realises he's emotionally stunted and overly anxious. We had chats multiple times over the years and he's even been for counselling. But nothing really changes. No affection, no sex for years. We both love each other as friends, but that's it I'm sure.

Fluffy I feel I brought this on myself too. Knew he had some issues when we got together but thought I could help him. Did't realise just how bad issues were.
He's been away for a night and just 48hrs (1st trip away in a while) have been so liberating. DC and I have had a lovely time. Young DC being more independent and less anxious than usual and trying new things. I'm getting things done with the energy I recognise as 'me' rather than the tired fog I usually walk around in. I know this fog sounds trivial but it is seriously effecting my life. Like the depression talked of above. Nothing but the basics get achieved. Then he goes away and I feel able to tackle anything again.

I know he sees us as 'for life'. The idea of bring with him forever scares me. He's a lovely man and adores DC. The conversation would crucify him (in past chats admitted he's terrified of losing us). I should have split years ago.

Sorry for rambling. Really don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt him and DC but I desperately want to be me again ... because I really did used to be awesome, not the shell I am now.

Jeez. Are you all me? Yy to depression. Taking ads for around 7 years. I'm planning to cut down with a view to coming off them when I'm free again.

Dh smokes weed. I hate it and the dcs question what the smell is. Never told him he can't do it. Hate myself for that too.

Getting annoyed by super dad act. And him asking how he's doing. As pp says, I don't want him to pull his socks up

Yy to him talking me round. It's taken me ages to realize this was the reason for 'breakdown in communication' I stopped trying to talk because he wouldn't listen. Although we didn't realize. He was busy 'fixing' things, but really just fucking talking the talk not actually DOING anything.

It was interesting yesterday looking back at a convo we had. He mentioned that he keeps trying to do super dad stuff with d.s. But ds is not interested. He put a little line in there about ds being tied to my apron strings. I have always wondered about why I get so annoyed about our convos about ds. Now I know why, he always seems to sneak some little dig at me about being too soft or some such shit. Oh because he's so fucking hands on that he's got it all sorted with him. Not. I just told him that ds wants to go out with his friends now. Bit sad really but I could have said 'you've missed the boat he's growing up'. I also should have challenged him on the apron string comments. I think I will withe the counsellor tomorrow, more for future interactions when we've split. I do want them to have a relationship.

Yy to him being out of the house. It's great but I'm always listening out for the car and disappointed when it is him.

Yy to him being insular and not having any friends around here. He always wants to go out with me. Can't think of anything worse thanks. Get the fuck out of my hair. I'm drowning. Might have to stop I'm getting upset and want to enjoy my hour or so alone

Just out of interest, how many conversations/moments were there before the BIG "we're done" conversation? Ours-and there have been multiple-have all been focused on changing our relationship to make it work. I feel like I'm on a sodding merry-go-round: we say all the right things, make an effort for a bit, returns to "normal" and repeat times infinity. We're now on year 2 of "trying" and getting nowhere fast.

Well, looks like he's found somewhere to live :) and I am waiting on the solicitors for the house papers.
Basically, as long as I was 'happy' to carry everything on my back, from earning most of the money all the way to arranging his social life, via raising and educating his child, he was happy too. The minute I stopped, he's leaving. Which is fantastic news. We had several conversations. The man is so self centered he has no idea about the bigger picture. Magnanimously, he decided we should split. I could have jumped for joy!!! Instead, I nodded sagely and went to the bathroom and jumped up and down for a few good minutes punching the air. Came back calm and collected.

Oh, married 19 years, separated for 2.

Mytummy- we've actually had quite a few conversations! I hadn't really realised until you asked the question. I also feel like I've been 'trying' for several years. Certainly one of my closest friends recently said to me: "Shodan, you've been unhappy with your DH for all the time I've known you, which is getting on for five years. Don't waste any more time."

I hadn't even realised that, until she told me. I think I had my head in the sand, determined that I wasn't going to fail again...

8fencing I wish it was that easy here!!

Well today we went out for a 'family day'. Kids had a great time. His way of showing me what I'm about to destroy. As predicted.. closed questions already. ."you had a good time today didn't you?", "the kids had a great time with us all together didn't they?". Trying again to back me in a corner.
Told me he's been reading up on how to get things back again. Apparently it's the small things. Really???? You do surprise me! !! Oh, and about having sex. Surprise again! ! Thank god I'm on at the moment or would be trying to battle him off me
Tonight will be talking again I think. Time to make the final push or as pp said, the merry go round will just be starting all over again
How's everyone getting on today? I hate Sundays now as the only day we are both home and no excuses to escape for a bit

Maybe 10yrs is the sell by date. You've had the kids and now it's, this is it. It should be getting easier but really you're so tired and bogged down with minutiae of life, like nappies and feeds you don't really have time to come up for air for 10 yrs and then if there's been niggles you then really notice them and resentment comes out? Just theorising using my own situation.
I think I've been waiting for my dh to realise how bad it is and agree to split but I don't think it's going to happen and I'm going to have to bite the bullet and take the decision on my head or find dome way through our mess to live together more positively. The problem with the latter is he's not willing to go half way and compromise it's all about what I need to do which despite of counselling is where we're at.

Hello. I'm going to do a proper post!
Welsh - wish I had seen your post last night bowl of placebos ROFL
Miss what and AllOver *
StarsAligning* - when I told 'DH' I had come off AD's he said "I wondered what was wrong with you". Not "well done my love you amaze me with your skills"...
8fencing - amazing post.
(Welcome) Fluffypacman "making all the effort" resonates for me and Shandy so similar.
Where are you Gruffalo?

Yes possibly the ten year itch but I've always had my doubts. I invited him to a party today but he kicked off with his social anxiety. I said maybe he should address it, give up weed or get counselling. Him - No one will ever understand. I mention this and you tell me I need counselling, maybe YOU need counselling for all yours... Whatever.
He just rolled a spliff. I cannot tell you the smell of weed makes me cringe as much as the thought of him touching me. (It's smoked outside but rolled inside).
In an afternoon of telling a good friend and my step-mum I have gone away from the 'home-wrecker' to the 'this is for the best'. Mainly as I said to my step-mom because I literally feel like a love-prisoner. As well as a whole lot of other 'issues', I feel that withholding sex and letting me sleep in the bottom bunk with my DC in my DC's room is totally unacceptable when I have a gigantic super King ikea bed - you could sleep 3 adults in it. And I bloody bought it. Anyway - it is a form of abuse IMO. Do any of you agree?
For being treated that this is normal, having asked him if he is happy in this relationship and he really is, as he said its me who's been the unhappy one for 12 years . I have tried everything - AD's included!

I don't think he even knows how serious I am. This is a conversation I will HAVE to have this week. Gah!

Bold worked well

Can anyone advise me please?(cant believe that there are so many of us.
been with dp well over twenty yrs.
Hea a fairly calm easy going bloke generally. Althougjh he can aslo be very grumpy and serious. Hes not a big talker and i basically talk his head off.
we are both in our 40's and im very young minded. Hes not
. Doesnt have much patience with the dcs although he denies this. Never wants to really go anywhere although he always says 'im happy to go/do anything you want'. He clearly isnt though.
he seems to get very impatient with me. Thinks im 'going on' even if im chatting about a bad day at work. I do tend to repeat myself ,but still
Hes probably always been like this but only now am i deeply intolerant of him.
we have been arguing non stop lately. Hes endlessly sarcastic and impatient with me. And me him,i guess. We make up and do it all again.
the final straw was about a year ago he agreed to us having another baby. I really wanted a last child. Then a couple of months of trying he blurted out after a row he only agreed to keep me happy. Its like a kick in the teeth.
i feel i despise him for it.
To everyone else he looks the perfect guy. Hes seen a tolerant quiet and just a normal family man. I look like the bad guy as im more volatile.
i look back and grieve for how things were. But maybe we were never compatible.
Hes faithful and i trust him hes the type to plod along. Part of me feels im giving him a hard time,part of me thinks i fucking hate your miserable face.

Hi doggy. Hand-holding for you
As my friend said to me on Friday - you can live this one, very short life - miserable. Or make changes for the positive. I hope this helps you.

Thank you
thing is im generally not miserable. I have a happy life. Its really hard to explain.
i just think we are very different. We always have been i guess but now its bothering me.
Ita so confusing. Ive just walked in and he is fine. I start thinking,is it me?have i made him miserable with years of giving him a hard time. Im quite high maintenance im some ways.
maybe its just a bad patch.

I am high maintenance also but I'm not going to suffer consequences of how I was raised, what I believe and how I 'believe' my life should be.

True ironneon
I am hi maintenance but im also good company,kind generous etc etc
Someone would be glad to have me!
he thinks im a little bit annoying i think,which in turn,annoys me.

Gah I'm beginning to think I'm an amalgamation of everyone!

I'm def high maintenance but i am told extremely generous and kind hearted. Dp has been continuing to be perfect and I am beginning to doubt myself. I can't stand this confusion.

Mutual intolerance huuge at the mo but dp is being extremely well behaved this last week and i feel myself picking for faults.

Doggy - dp has repeatedly told me that he never wanted dc 2 , he 'gave' me dc 2, he sacrificed for me. In spite of that dotes on the dc on so many ways. Grrrrrrr. What a great message for the kids eh.

None of that is helped by the fact he is older and is his second family. Anyone else with someone older/remarried/2nd family?

doggy that's horrible thing to say about dc that's the hard bit though.. when they're being all super nice and you start questioning yourself. It's easier when they're being an arse!

Well,we talked some more last night. He just won't accept what I'm saying. Keeps repeating that he loves me, we should try more and doesn't want to be separated from the kids. I told him my feelings aren't going to change now and I've had enough. This has been going on for 7months now!
He then tries to convince me to have sex!!!

Was chatting to a friend at the weekend and they reckon if he doesn't start accepting soon I should start showing action by getting house valued etc. I just can't do that though. That's such a bitchy thing to do. I feel enough of a bitch already