Curious to hear from people who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL but just unsatisfying

[All0vertheplace]

Have you made the tough choice to leave a marriage -- not because of abuse or an affair, but just because you were mismatched and things weren't working out.

If so, how was that decision, and how have your life and relationships been since?

He's just in denial I think. Every time we have the 'talk' I end up backing down and everything goes back to normal for a few months. I think he thinks if he can sustain this then we'll bumble through to our old age and 'make it'. Our first talk was end of last August so I suppose it's working so far!
I don't want to just make it through tough. I want to enjoy my life.. in all aspects! Not just our children and then grandchildren.
He just knows what buttons to push though which is why I keep backing down. Emotional stuff with the kids. Apparently I can't love them if I'm prepared to break up their family. Financially.. we are struggling as it is and my car needed major repairs last month. I managed to get it sorted but involved lot of farting around using up favours from people I know. He declared he was going to pay for it and get it done by mechanic who was recommended. He chopped in last of his work shares to pay for it. Career.. because of everything that's been going on he has faced a disciplinary at work for failing to meet his targets. All of this is my fault and doing. It's like I keep getting guilt tripped back into a corner every time.
You know I don't know what I want to change anymore, I don't know how I want to be different. However,I know it's not with him. I know his passiveness and dare I say boringness has made me the same over the years. I go out and have a social life,keep up with friends and enjoy myself. I want to be able to do that with my husband too. I want him to have a bit of spark and organise something.. AND the babysitter!!! Just say "shall we go out next weekend with so and so?". When I mentioned this,he said 'so you want me to call your friends and organise them coming down?'. That being because he has no friends.. oh and that is my fault too because I MADE him move all the whole 40 odd miles away from London where he grew up!!!

Update from me. Things are developing unless I don't have the balls to go through with it. Just to add he doesn't smoke IN house but it is IN house and he has been to pick it up from D WITH DC in the past. Not enough of an excuse to divorce or chuck someone out on though? And yes - could afford to buy him out of house.
Shopping this am with DC he took other DC out. Got back carrying everything back myself to house from car like always. An hour until meeting dear friends in forest. He says don't take DC as been to park and had bath. Pointless taking DC. We're on bad speaking terms so I didn't want to argue spending time with BOTH of my DC real control I felt there.
Had a fabulous walk with friends - more cleansing though they are probably fed up of me banging on about it. I mentioned how he never goes out. Never. Only work/shop/DC after school - park etc. Came home both of them exactly where I had left them. DC on computer all afternoon and him.
He announced he was "going for a walk" left half an hour ago. For why I have no idea. But, this is the most relaxed I have been in house with DC. Is it wrong that I don't give a shit why he has 'gone for a walk?'. I don't know what to do anymore.
Do I sound like a bitch? I can't gauge my feelings anymore. But I don't want this. I don't want a blazing row tonight. I don't have the energy. The birds are singing, I've had a lovely day with 1 DC and he's not here. The smallest things can make you so happy.
He's probably just gone to the shop for cans....

God yes to being relaxed in the house without him. 5 glorious days. Then the shit hits the pan

Really? He's still not back.

Fan!

Came back Thursday about 11ish gone again this morning. Hence email being the place to talk.

He's back. No cans. Awful atmosphere.

I hate this.

So sorry to read so many other women in such hard situations.

I've been lurking a while.

My dh is kind and supportive and not abusive or anything. But he has some major mental health problems and is completely emotionally stunted - none expressed. My two dcs love him to bits and were in pieces when he was hospitalised for two months. I've given up initiating anything sexual cos I get turned down. Partly cos of the meds and partly because his head is such a mess and "I'm not affectionate the rest of the time". Largely true. I am desparate for someone to "get" me, and for some physical affection . I don't think I'd feel worse in my own. But am currently job hunting. Kids would be seriously messed up if we split and financially it would be a nightmare. Today though he's been a jerk and I have no respect for him. Feeling utterly trapped.

Big hugs to you all!
Sorry I went awol. So much gone on really.
Dh moved out last weekend and it's been turbulent to say the least.
He has stayed on the sofa 3 nights as I work evenings and those nights/morning afters have been hell on earth.
I'm actually terrified looking at my old relationship with him now. When he is here he questions me constantly on my movements, my actions, gets visibly very very agitated when I don't give him enough information.
I've been trying g my best not to pander to him, it results in a horrible atmosphere but at least now I finally finally have the freedom to say 'well bye then!'
Just looking at it objectively now he is and was a very controlling man.
I've been doing up the house in little pieces this week, it's looking so so nice. And little things I wished for earlier up thread are here! So my fridge is well stocked with nice healthy food, me and dc have eaten so well. My house is tidy and clean and calm and I've actually been able to stretch out on my sofa in the late evening and watch what I want on TV. I love it.
He is still refusing to pay maintenance and insists on giving me 20 quid here and there. I'm going to give him another couple of weeks and tell him to sort it or ill go down the formal route.

To you all suffering the depression/in your head chat;
Major major bells ringing there. I have had 5 people tell me that. Or that I need a holiday, or a cleaner, or a date night.
Yes I have lost weight, been quiet and withdrawn even my periods stopped but genuinely since I have become officially single I feel great. I love my job, my friends, being a mum, my home. I just didn't love him and that does not for one second make me mentally ill.
Sending you lots of strength and some positive vibes

iron for some reason I thought you were talking to me
Sorry to hear he's back and it's gone shirt again.

Hello colouring that sounds very difficult. Good luck with the job hunting. I hope it helps.

awoof you sound really strong and positive! You should be proud of yourself. You rock

Awoof - wow. Good to hear from the 'other' side.
Colouring. Big hugs.
I just flicked open a notebook to write your names in as I am SO bloody crap at remembering usernames, to a page that has a list:
Bed arrangements / Bed / Car / Closeness / Anger / Empty / Dates / Sex / Gifts.
Must have written it a couple of weeks ago. I've been sleeping with DC in bunk bed for coming on 8 months now. Have spent poss 3 nights in my HUGE ikea bed

I lost my (v young) cousin in Feb. DH didn't even volunteer to come to funeral. 12 years ago and he didn't come to my Grandma's either.

Would this bother you?

Been lurking for weeks, have gained a lot of strength from advice and reassurance that I'm about to make the right decision.

Having the chat tonight. Finally decided this afternoon I can't wait any longer. He has no idea it's coming. I feel relieved I've made the decision to confront this. I'm suffocating. He's a lovely, kind man but Im so indifferent about him. It's not fair, he deserves better.

Iron. Yes that would seriously bother me.

Good luck fair:

Back2MeNow welcome.

Totally fed up. He put on a glossy 'scooping up DC in his arms' to take to bed but proceeded with anger when they wouldn't sleep straight off. He hasn't 'drunk' for two days - I am. I am drinking now. I know. Doesn't help. Not drinking - just smoking weed. I couldn't understand my head on that shit personally.
He's just gone to bed. Zero conversation thank the gods.
Think tomorrow is going to be the day.

Thanks colouring

Awoof - you are so inspiring

Floundering - enjoy your headspace. I'm being suffocated still...request for soace being met with a frantic pace of happy families. Am more confused than ever
It's awful. It's useful to hear I'm not the only one being treated to the perfect family man routine.

Chuckling to myself that I am not the only one being diagnosed with depression lol. Doubly ironic for me as I am mental health professional.

To those about to have the conversation - best of luck.

Welsh when I took AD's it was a complete placebo.
Where is gruffalo also.

Amd iron. That to me is totally unacceptable.

But then I am the lady who has grudgingly accepted years of him being out djing and taking drugs till 9am once or twice a month.

ADS here too...

Yep Iron am on AD too despite knowing full well it's also a placebo. The craziest thing that came out of his mouth was that these ADs are DETRIMENTAL to my mental health and are clouding my judgement. Because coke, pills and jack daniels doesn't?!! The pills are the cause of our unraveling.

Yikes.

V interesting...