Curious to hear from people who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL but just unsatisfying

[All0vertheplace]

Have you made the tough choice to leave a marriage -- not because of abuse or an affair, but just because you were mismatched and things weren't working out.

If so, how was that decision, and how have your life and relationships been since?

How are things, floundering?

Sounds hard going Shandy. How are things today?
I have very similar to other posters where dh is trying to explain the situation with reference to external things. So,' what do you expect with 6 children, that's what life is like for patents 'etc etc. No acknowledgement of his controlling behaviour etc.
He's back tonight and will be interesting to see what he has to say post-Conversation.

We had a conversation of sorts last night. All very pragmatic and sad.

We haven't spoken apart from cursory hellos etc. since Monday, as I'm just too drained to try anymore. The fact that it has been deathly silent really reveals to me how much I give of myself to just keeping things "normal".
Anyway, he asked what was wrong and I told him. He listened but came back with the "am I really as selfish as you're making me out to be?" line.
He's not a selfish man; he's a thoughtless one. Long story short, we decided nothing.
Told him if we didn't have DS we wouldn't be together, we're both unhappy, he clearly doesn't find me attractive anymore due to the lack of intimacy, values me only as a contributor to bills and as DSs mum and not as an individual, we are at different stages and have different priorities etc, and he didn't refute any of it. I've checked out. I'm so tired of holding everything together that there's nothing left and there's no way he'll step up to fill the Gaps as he doesn't see the need. It's a sorry state of affairs.

It's just hanging there. I didn't ask him to leave, he didn't offer. How can two quite smart people be so bloody clueless.

How are things with you, misswhattodo?

How is everyone today
Floundering?
So we actually had another talk this lunchtime on the phone. Was actually fairly rational and for this first time he acknowledged the resentment from my point of view. Instead of just questioning why i am such a 'miserable bitch' he seemed able to accept that maybe certain repeated behaviours just become corrosive to a relationship. Seemed able to accept the idea of probable different core values and interests and emotional needs. I kept reminding him that the blame game is unhelpful. Sometimes things just don't work out and that's it. I used an analogu from someone up thread about branches of a tree growing apart. Have suggested we can co parent amicably. So from here plan is to have another talk saturday, coast for 3 weeks, holiday and then watch this space.

Feeling as if this conversation is one which occurs in several stages!

And miss what to doo how are you today? I know what ypu mean about fixing specifics. Years of asking someone to.improve, only for that improvement to be temporary and for then resentment to kick in is where we are at here. My specific gripes were to do with weekend time (him thinking its acceptable to return at 9am) vs my need for er...family time! This reflects underlying difference in values (and a total lack of respect). And general intellectual social and emotional incompatibility. He has certain personality traits which also cannot be changed :( .

So if your situation is anything like mine you'll be thinking what the point of patching up is !

To clarify, return from.a night out at 8am or 9am having taken 'only half a pill and some coke'. Once or twice a month. Who the fuck even accepts this once with small children?!!!! Or even with a newborn? I feel lile have come to my senses and am processing it all now.

Planning to catch up on a couple of days of this thread tonight but wanted to post quickly. We are hanging in by a thread. I'm on train to meet him and kids to go to park. I don't want to spend time with him, just my kids. I've had enough. I have no idea what to do. I can't 'throw him out' of our family home as he hasn't done anything. Should I move out?

Hello. Lots of posts to catch up with.

So I emailed him. He emailed me back. He wants to work things out. So far so good except he has put everything back on me as I thought he would. Plus he has completely dismissed everything I said to him. I am angry. We have actually said very little verbally as he only got back at 11 last night and goes away again tomorrow morning till late weds night. I will be sending a reply as we have agreed email is a good start to get things out there. I dont, however, take kindly to being told ending it is not an option. So part of what I need to say/ make very very clear is that I will agree to work on it but I will not stay in a marriage with a dead heart or with a partner who cannot allow me my feelings and point of view.

I am getting kisses and cuddles and nice as pie behaviour. Hard not to respond favorably to that. I honesty think he believes I will forget the whole conversation. I think it shows we could be friends and be kind to one another without living together. I dint expect it to last though.

Shodan and Welsh- so many parallels. My dh is super dad atm. I'm waiting for the victim shit to kick in.

Shodan this particularly hit home:
*DH has been like Welsh's DH- he's been doing washing, ironing, putting away shopping-lots of household tasks that he's never or rarely done in the 13 years we've been together. He's booked a night at the ballet, all on his own initiative. In some ways it makes me feel even guiltier, but then I think- hang on, you can do it now that I've got to such a low point, but you couldn't do it during all these years?

It's like we never had all the conversations over the years, where I would say I was unhappy, that he needed to join in with family life more, he needed to make these changes and so on. It seemed to be a complete surprise to him*

Hi I'm going to put in a post from the opposite end of this subject

My XH told me after 17 years that he didn't want to stay with me and I was devastated even though in my heart of hearts I'd known for at least a couple of years things were not right and he'd made himself clear in terms of actions. I fairly quickly identified that what I was heartbroken at losing had not in fact existed for a long time and I think I'd been quietly waiting for life to magically become what it had been for a long time.

I never really thought about leaving because I had a comfortable happy life overall but actually I didn't realise until he left how compromised and "small" my life had become and actually being released from trying to make someone love you who just didn't anymore was fabulous. Like being put out of your misery but into happiness.

This was six years ago , I've remained single but he has remarried but stayed in the same town. Our DC now 19 and 17 have remained in good contact and I've never asked them outright how they feel about it. I think they are used to it but from my perspective all the big occasions are always chopped up and they dislike their stepmother who clearly models herself on every available cliche.

In short painful as divorce was in a way I never imagined I am far happier and now live an authentic life and as XH said on the day he told me it was over I would thank him one day and he was right and that day came very very quickly even though I was on the receiving end of the " conversation"

Following thread.

Ah coming welcome and thank you for your heartening perspective. I wish my dh could have done understanding. He seems happy to drift on and on on this sham of a relationship thinking it'll just pop back to being loving again with no effort on his part other than to say sorry. If only it were that simple

Hi again. I caught up but can't copy/paste all users and comment as I can hardly make a cup of coffee or function mentally - I'm sorry. Just wanted to say hi to everyone and sorry that you find yourselves in this position.
I am in a very bad place. Thursday he confronted me and told me I belittle him with everything. I take this as I treat him like a child. But that's what I do. That's what he wants. Then he started saying he took kids to park, bathed the kids, like he wanted a medal and I should be grateful for his skills. Of course I am but only in the sense that this is his duty as a father.
I had an amazingly positive chat with an old friend in work yesterday lunch. She basically said you do not have to live this life and that there is life after this life. That made me feel strong. Yes - I have young kids in this situation but they are starting to clock that all is not good.
I left work relatively early and planned to meet him kids off train but they weren't there so I popped home for a wee - 2 mins away. Had 3 missed calls and a text. Met them in park and sat a foot away not speaking, him trying to make small talk and me blocking it. We ended up walking home - me ahead with the kids and he trailed behind. I went training at 7 (left an hour early to get out of house) and home at 9:30. When I got home my kitchen stank of weed. Stank.
Today I want to spend the day with the kids on my own, but he will want to do something 'family' orientated. I just don't know what to do. I want to ask him to leave but how? He has mentioned me buying him out of the house which I guess could be an option... Gah!
Hope you are all ok

Hugs to everyone xxx sounds like it is difficult for a lot of us at the moment. He is still not accepting what I'm saying. I have now told him I want to separate on 3 different occasions but he won't listen. He has a way of asking me closed questions that back me into a corner and I have no choice but to back down (as I have done past times). "You said you love us as a family? ", "is not what we've got (kids/house etc) everything you wanted?", "you agreed we can't do things spontaneously or spend time proper time together because of the kids". Every time I end up agreeing with him because it's true!! I'm so angry with myself for being so weak!!
the truth is, I don't love him anymore. I don't want to have sex with him. I don't want to grow old with him.
I know it's difficult for him because I can't tell him what he's done 'wrong'. He is a good man, and tbh a 'perfect' husband on paper. I just don't love him anymore. End of. We've been together 15 years and 10 yr wedding anniversary this year. We work well together when we've got a project... wedding, house, ttc etc but now we should be sitting back and enjoying what we've built I'm looking and thinking 'is this it?'. I look at him and hardly know him anymore. We've cracked on and gone through all the things couples 'should' but completely neglected us in the process which has led to where we are now.
I'm just going to have to be the bitch. He won't acept or understand what I'm saying and if I don't put an end to it this cycle will keep going on and on
Sorry for the ramble!

No apology needed -- it was a great ramble!!

Seems like the main role of this thread is as a place to ramble, to figure out how we feel by writing it down, even if we can't say it out loud.

Update: The Conversation is back! We've been kind of hiding from it for a few weeks, but now I feel the blue touchpaper has been lit. So scared, so sad. My DP is very forceful in debate/argument and I lose all ability to speak up for myself. I fear this process may bulldoze over me -- I guess that's why they invented lawyers.

AllOver my H is also a nightmare in arguments and discussions, he is very good with words and puts everything back on me as a question and I find it so hard to talk to him. This is why I became the one who puts up and shuts up as it got too horrible otherwise.
Where I am lucky is that as an expat spouse of a particular company I am given a budget to do certain things with and one of those is coaching/ counselling. I shall not be using it for marriage counselling but asking to use it for coaching for assertiveness and such like for myself. I am going to use it to my advantage and I will not be telling him.
Had a long conversation with both my parents today who have read both mine and H's emails. Even my dad agreed it is unlikely H can change enough through marriage counselling (which we have decided to try) and that divorce looks likely but they totally support me whatever happens which is nice.
I am still slightly stunned H said in his email ' I found you email very defeatist and leading towards a question of ultimately do we stay together or not.
You need to snap out of this, we have a family now, we stay together and we fix this, its a matter of how not should we.'
He does not fucking well get to tell me whether separation is on the cards or not. It is not his decision and I will no longer be the peacekeeper. The most laughable thing he said was that he thought I was depressed. However there was no acknowledgement that it was him and our relationship that has caused it, despite the entire email telling him so. He completely dismissed me as a person. He has shown me he has absolutely no idea who I am as a person or what makes me tick, what my priorities are or quite frankly anything. He is hugely materialistic, I am not at all. I showed some of my trusted friends from the conception boards here and the best analogy was that it was like I was having a work appraisal and I hadn't done very well. He has been described and clinical and without emotion.

I must be strong. I must continue to state my point of view and not be batted back down into submission. The more I read it the angrier I get. I think it is time to contact a couple of solicitors who deal with international divorces just to see where I stand.
I am reading all the posts so apologies but I can only remember bits. IronNeonClasp can you afford to buy him out? Does it make sense to? Smoking weed in the house with kids in is not on. Listen to your friend. She sounds wise.

and big massive hugs to everyone here. This thread has turned out to be a lifesaver.

floudering good on you for getting assertive! The thing is I used to be and that is one of the things that I don't like about us a couple as because he is so passive about everything in life, I've become the same

I've also had the depressed talk he sent me a quick link to a 'are you depressed?' Quiz. Surprise surprise I probably am!! However, it's because of this situation NOTdepression causing it!!!

Yes shandybass but he can drift on all he likes it only takes one person to end a marriage the other person doesn't have to agree or give permission . In fact by definition the end of a relationship will normally be the wishes of only one party. In my case and maybe in more of the husbands talked about here once the decision is made you realise it is the right thing but only when you realise there is no longer a choice.

The hard part is being strong enough to make the decision and see it through which is what my XH had to do and I know he suffered a great deal too.

Floundering his words sound like words of desperation don't they. I don't know why entering a marriage contract seems to equate in some people's eyes to a contract which must remain unbroken despite unending misery. Bullshit! Dont be guilted.

I totally relate to the depression chat too. Frequent references are made to me being depressed. Caused almost entirely by disappointmemt in my relationship! And in actual fact my mood is pretty buouyant considering.

The other chat I get is the idea that people in.tje backgroynd are manipulating my decision. Because a nearly 40 year old educated professional woman doesn't know her own mind😶.

Meanwhile dad and partner of the year continues. Space to see my friend last night. Fry up this morning to help the hangover. Nice family walk today. And so on. I am seriously starting to question again.

welsh they are the words of someone who is used to being in control. I don't
know think he realises that is not the case any more. I didn't realise the degree to which he has no idea who I am. It's a good thing he's away until Wednesday night. I need to be as pleasant as possible though for the sake of the kids. Plus I actually have to live with him. But I'm so angry. And hurt. I cannot live like this for much longer. I've been unhappy for years and this is my chance.

welsh it's so hard when they up their game isn't it? Especially because it's the result of another talk!! We're off on a 'family day' tomorrow. Just to prove when we get home what a good time we had which I'm sure he will question me on when we get home. Yes.. I probably will have a nice day with the kids. However having a nice day out with our children does not mean I want to stay married!!
I feel such a bitch but really have reached the end of my tether with it all now. I even asked him the other night whether he thinks it's a good idea to stay together for the kids, despite knowing how I feel? Whether it was better to deal with it now, 5 years, 10 years down the line.. his response? 10 years and then he will just deal with things then!!!
No worries of how I feel.. as long as I put up and put out (major issue at the moment) then he would be happy and feel that's enough!

misswhattodo that is appalling. You poor thing. 10 years of that and you will be a husk of a person. Plus what kind of example is he setting for the children? Does he think they won't notice?