Curious to hear from people who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL but just unsatisfying

[All0vertheplace]

Have you made the tough choice to leave a marriage -- not because of abuse or an affair, but just because you were mismatched and things weren't working out.

If so, how was that decision, and how have your life and relationships been since?

All I think you have started a nationwide conversation! It's like permission giving that it doesn't need to be horrendously awful or abusive to leave. Ok them's my thoughts for the day, I'll check in later..

We do a bit of the cuddling too. Our feet always end up finding each other and sort of getting intertwined. It's a nice (i.e. confusing) feeling.

Thanks welsh. Unfortunately I'm working from home today so stuck at the laptop! I'm not expecting a reply I guess. He's working today so may not even get to read it till he's in the airport later. It's like being in purgatory though.

I wish I had an answer for your question but my sex life has been non existent for about 4 years now........

Hi FlounderingWildly - I wish you all the best, you've taken the first brave step. I'm watching with interest as I need to do the same thing.

Wow four years is a very long time, I don't know how you've managed for so long without. I guess your body just shuts down after a while. With me I am just not prepared to open up myself up again in case something else should happen.

Well done Floundering. That's brave. Thinking of you. My email is still sitting in drafts. I feel sick every time I think about sending it...

to all of you having The Conversation.

I have the words in my head but can't say them. It will be like opening Pandora's box; there will be no coming back from it & I cannot do it until I DD starts school in 2 years. Financially impossible till then.

I was also married previously; although it was agonising to end my marriage, it was a piece of cake by comparison as there were no children involved.

It's also been nearly 4 years since DP & I were intimate; in the years running up to that it was always me initiating & now I've stopped. I feel very sexually & emotionally disconnected from him. He obviously hasn't had sexual feelings about me for a long time & I no longer wish to make the effort for someone who is not interested in me.

And like others, live after separation would not be better for me or the DC. They would be in childcare from 8am-6pm for 5 days a week (even if I could afford £1500/month childcare). There would be no play dates, no after-school classes, no holidays. I don't think I could afford to run a car, which is essential for work, and therefore don't know how I would work. I have no family support. They would see their dad every 2nd weekend; not at all during the week - so unfair on them.

Christ, I need a lottery win.

I too have been thinking about the financial implications. I think if we split I could just about manage to keep everything afloat, but it would mean than every penny would have to be accounted for. I don't mind missing out, but there's no way DS could go to things like soft play, or days out. I didn't have much growing up and I wanted better for DS. Not in terms of love and security-my mum was and is a fantastic mum-but I remember how worried she was when a bill came in, or how upset she got when we were the only kids on our street without bikes. It's not everything and, in the scheme of things, doesn't matter, but it's one more thing to feel guilty and worry about. If I end it, I take away the 'easiness' of his childhood.
I'm not one for taking chances or risks and leaving DH is the biggest chance I could take. It may work out brilliantly, it may be the biggest mistake ever: the uncertainty is hideous.
Hope the conversations go well to those who have been brave enough to take the next step

Random question about benefits. So if I end up separating and came back to the UK and managed to get a job I would get child support from H, possible spousal support, child benefit (if that is what it is still called). Would I be entitled to anything else? I know as a single parent you get a council tax discount, is there anything else I would need to know about?

Finally managed to read the whole thread abd can now add my thoughts. I am also mid conversation. ...I think I have had the conversation about 4 times now and on the first three I agreed to give it time. This time I have held strong but have agreed to couples counselling to sort out the details. Not sure it is a great idea as he had form for ea. But I think I can hold my own now.
I my case I have been married for 16 years and he was highly emotionally and financially abusive fit most of that. He has sought therapy and changed a lot but now uses the therapy as a tool to point out my flaws and to show just how fab he is now compared to me. I want to scream at him that he treated me like shit for 15 years so it is perfectly reasonable for me to have an issue or two! But of course he is Oh so reasonable these days that I look like the crazy one.
Si now after two years of therapy myself I an strong enough to tell him what I want and he tells me I dint know my own mind and that leaving won't fix what is broken inside of me. Which he blames mostly on my childhood. He even saysahe feels sympathy for me because he had been there.
Si on the surface I have a man who is in touch with his feelings and totally supportive of my 'journey' yet I can't bear to be in the same room as him.
Counseling on Monday. Waiting to see what level of ea I will see.
in the meantime I am trying to work out how to get my hands on 2 grand to afford my own rental. ... We have a shared mortgage but I want to move out now. He refuses to let me use the credit card which is ours but in his name. I an self employed so doubt I could get a loan and my income is up and down.
That is the current hurdle. I am taking on extra jobs but saving is near impossible.
Oh dear. This thread is giving me strength tho.

Welcome aboard, rtt. Glad the thread is helping you think it all through.

I am currently wrestling with the phenomenon of having HAD The Conversation and pretty much mutually agreed to separate, but then drifting back into the fog of uncertainty and second-guessing. Although making the decision was very hard and raised to prospect of lots of bleak and scary times ahead (mostly financial ones) it did at least feel like a DECISION, and there was a resulting feeling of relief that action had been taken and things were going to properly change.

Now we've kind of wimped out, I think.

That's kind of what I'm worried about, Allover. The decision has been made, the conversation has been had-but we're going to be staying 'together' until after our holiday in August, then tell ds2. (Ds1 is mine from my previous marriage and is an adult, so knows some of what has been going on in my head).

Sometimes we'll have a bit of chat, about what's on tv or something, and it'll all feel so 'normal' that I panic that he'll take it as a sign we're reconciling and I'll have to do this all over again.

I'm lucky though that there are no major financial issues and he is, at heart, basically a decent man. In a way it would be easier if he weren't, bizarrely.

That's a common refrain in here, Shodan. It would all be so much easier (i.e. to walk away from) if the relationship was a total disaster.

Gosh there are so many people in the same situation here, this thread is so useful to have for me as it makes me realise I'm not on my own. So many of us staying together for the kids and not wanting to break up the family but would otherwise leave and so many feeling physically and emotionally distant from their partner. It's so hard.......

One thing I keep telling myself- ultimately I would make him miserable, his self-esteem would suffer etc. And I don't want that for him. So as much as he thinks now that his life is 'over', it's still better, I think, than to spend his life with someone who just doesn't feel the right way about him. I want him to find someone who can love him better than I can.

Shodan. I think that is a really good point. I don't feel like I love dp like he loves me. I can't bear to crush his self esteem like this. He thinks its a perfect life but exactly - how can it be?

I'm so glad you are all here.

I have had tricky conversations several times over the past few years with dh but always end up finding reasons to keep going to a bit longer. I/we have a been dealing with the fallout from my realisation that some stuff that happened in my childhood was sexually abusive. This has been massive, and has amongst other things made me realise that I "chose" dh so that I could hide behind his obvious goodness, wisdom and generally soundness. I did this because I believed that I was fundamentally bad in the inside. I don't believe that anymore. I don't need to stand behind his "goodness".

It is made more complicated by the fact that early in our relationship dh was very very jealous of my past sexual partners, of whom there were many - I felt bad about it too, now understand it in the context of the abuse in a gentler light. I was very lost, and very lonely and desperate for connection. Anyway, he made me feel even more ashamed, and I started to block out my life before he came along so that there would be fewer triggers for his jealousy. Needless to say, I started to resent this fairly quickly and now I can't believe I let it happen, and that I effectively gave up any chance of a decent career, or living in a place I actually want to be, or a house I actually like.

Dd1 (8) said this morning, when I told her that snarling and being narky wasn't okay said "but you two talk like that to each other." Think she is exaggerating a bit as we barely converse never mind argue.

Anyway, it was a catalyst to write it all down. Which I did. Then I emailed dh. Now I feel like a cowardy custard.

Last time we had The Conversation was awful, he was in absolute pieces for weeks, and so I made it all better and decided to stay and try to make it work. Since then bugger all has changed. We have been for two walks, and to the pub once. That is it, in a year.

This morning I was talking to another mum from my running group about how long it was since we left university, and I was horrified that it is getting on for 15 years since I finished my u/g degree.

I cannot bear the thought that, if I had known then where I would be today, I would not have got involved. And then I look around at my comfy house, my nice little town, my lovely daughters, my kind and oh-so-reasonable dh and think I must be the most selfish woman in the world. How could I throw all of this away and hurt my beloved family? But how can I stay in a marriage that has no heart?

Sorry if this is a tad rambling. My head is a mess today.

What is the best thing to say to teenage kids when they ask why. My h believes it is best to say that I chose this and he doesn't want it because that is true. I wantto say it is mutual. His version avoidsthe fact that I don't want it but I have y to do it because of his behaviour. I think he wants to paint me as the home breaker when really I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for what he did. Shoukd we talk to them separately and let them each decide for themselves?

Welsh and Shodan, your stories are so familiar. DH is stepping up amazingly, trying so hard.
I'm seeing a counsellor tomorrow. Not sure quite what I want to talk about. I was really up for talking to someone, anyone, when I initially met with her but I've been feeling pretty numb this last week and almost don't want to open the wounds.
And this is also the reason why I can't continue The Conversation with DH.

Hi everyone, I posted earlier in the thread under a different NN. I'm coming back to add some info which you might find useful. I'm three years down the line after separating from my exDP of 20+years. Three children.
Firstly, it seems to me that if both partners realise the relationship is finished but can't see how to separate because of finances and because of the impact on children then how about the possibility of separating romantically and sexually but staying together as a financial and parenting team? If you can be totally honest with each other and both are accepting then it should be possible to live as housemates, sharing parental responsibilities, financial issues and even family holidays etc but with separate rooms and potentially other relationships.
Obviously this is not for most couples where there is usually some imbalance in the degree of disconnection.
For it to work I think it would require openness and honesty. Children would need to be told an age appropriate version of the situation. Family and friends would need to be kept completely in the picture. Pretence at normality is a mistake. I lived it for two years.

Finances. You can check your entitlement online at www.entitledto.org I think it is and there is another site, similar. Put your expected income and rent in and it spits out what tax credits, child benefit, housing benefit etc you should be entitled to.
If you have savings over £14000 you are not eligible for housing benefit. This is something which will affect you if you sell a joint property and have a proportion of the profit but not enough to buy again.
For example, I work part time and bring home around £600 every 4 weeks. I get £874 tax credits every four weeks and £187 child benefit. I rent and needed a guarantor to allow me to take it on. I get the tax credits and child benefit because the children spend more time with me. I am the resident parent. Ex has the children each weekend as this fits best with our working hours and allows him a decent amount of time with them. My rent is £975 for a two bed house. £300 on bills so about £400 left over per month for food, clothes, presents, outings etc etc etc. Difficult. I don't have a formal agreement with ex, he pays for stuff as and when the need arises. As my children grow older I will get less in tax credits and child benefit. As an older woman who has been out of full time, meaningful career for 15 years and is over 50, it is proving extremely difficult to get into a full time well paid job. The future is a scary place but I'm lucky I have work, I have a roof over our heads and so far my health is holding up.

rememberthetime ex and I told the children together but had agreed on not apportioning blame. We said that our relationship had changed, that we didn't love each other that way anymore. I was relieved. If your husband can admit that the love has gone, then that your relationship cannot continue then he should be able to see that blaming the other does nothing to make it easier for the children.

Good luck everyone. X

Sorry, it's www.entitledto.co.uk

Hello, I thought I'd de-lurk. Big hugs to those who need them!

If we didn't have children, I would have left years ago. Now with mental health issues and the kids it all feels too difficult. Then I decide I am pathetic for not taking action!

He's not a bad man, but too many years of not feeling listened to and supported has worn me down

He's not a bad man, but too many years of not feeling listened to and supported has worn me down

This is exactly how I feel, but DH doesn't seem to understand it. I suppose that doesn't matter really, since my feelings are as valid as anyone else's.

I'm currently feeling like I'm going through the strangest breakup in history. My inlaws were round tonight and we were all chatting and laughing together. Dh earlier offered that old MN staple- a spa break because I'd "had such an emotional week". Now he's talking about tv stuff like we were in a normal marriage.

My friends think he's burying his head in the sand and hoping that he'll win me round. Which upsets me on two levels: 1) It shows he still hasn't really listened to what I've been saying and 2) I'm going to have to do this again and again until it really sinks in.

Someone please hold my hand!!!! Had the conversation again tonight. Last one being a few months ago. I need to stay string.

He is a good man and is frustrated that I cannot give him absolute specifics of why I do not live him anymore. We recognise that we have changed and that parenting is difficult. . Especially with no family support around. I have tried explaining again and again how I feel in our relationship but he keeps coming back with "that's life as parents"! Any things I have told him in the past eg/ helping more with kids, housework, occasional break for me has been listened to and acted on but makes it more difficult as he thinks he's managed to 'fix' what's wrong with me.

I've come upstairs now, but his last words were to me were "how would you feel not being able to see the kids?"

I'm breaking here I've told him I want him as involved as possible with kids. He's taken the view its either happy families every night doing bedtime story or eow and that's it Arggghhhh!!!!

Ps.. sorry for typos!! Bloody phone!!

It's all been going on these last few days. Big hugs to all. I'm sorry I can't remember mn names. But waw there's a lot of us.
I was so annoyed after counselling session where dh said very little and I was an emotional wreck. He's carried on as if he's validated himself and is so happy in comparison to how he was.
It's so confusing. As others say. One minute I'm so relieved I've made the decision and then he acts all happy and normal I think christ have I just made up our issues. And then he's gruesome grumpy/aggressive and I just think yes this is why. And then he flips. The flip is no acknowledgement it's just the same as the 'cuddling' mentioned by Welsh was it just a natural reaction to having someone close. It requires effort to be cross and to stay away. I should know I've been apart in a bed for long enough. It's not natural.
But he did acknowledge in counselling he was cross and I said I knew you were but then you didn't say anything other than make snide remarks and make everyone uncomfortable and then you switched to being fine when I knew there were issues. Did anyone see that violent children violent parents programme tonight. Well it was very similar to how my dh handles things and I so wish my counsellor had been like that as in look you can't just say 'fine' and walk off when obviously it's not fine. You talk about it and discuss it like adults! But the it explains why dh said about counselling but it's just talking, what good can that do? Big hugs to all!