Curious to hear from people who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL but just unsatisfying

[All0vertheplace]

Have you made the tough choice to leave a marriage -- not because of abuse or an affair, but just because you were mismatched and things weren't working out.

If so, how was that decision, and how have your life and relationships been since?

The discussion, the wondering, the thinking, the second-guessing, these are all the things that are hard for me. Hence the username.

You know, this lead up is just so bad I think I'm just going to have to start speaking and then let the conversation develop. I'm going to have to do it next week and just deal with the consequences. Then the free half hour consultation with the solicitor. I doubt he will move out, so it will be a case of coexisting under the same roof with the kids until we can arrange something workable. On the abuser profiles he is Mr Victim, and I just know this is going to confirm to him of how wronged he's been.

That's it exactly stomachinknots. Can post -conversation actually be any worse?!

Yes post convo - how has everyone found that ( if you've done it). Personally I feel worse as it's made it real. I don't mean to put anyone off and I'm glad I got it over with but I thought I'd be relieved. I suppose it's the limbo period. He's been super nice and "will do anything". I need to put big girls pants on and tell him assertively. Hell!

How the fuck did I get here?

Diege good luck xx

IsThisMyLife. You're 5 months post convo. Sorry my heads in bits, are you still living together? What is your next step?

We're just over a week, bloody awful. I didn't have the balls to say 'get out'. Only told him I want to split but he's pleading, shitty shit shit. It's awful

I am a couple of days post convoy, she is walking around like a kicked puppy, and having long phone conversations about what an bitch I am. She assumes the victim role very easily which is one of the reasons we had the conversation,I suppose.

Good luck, Diege.

One week post conversation

• dp has upped his game 1000%
• grooming

-new clothes -tackling oustanding jobs -supportive with kids -seeking affection -perfect dad

Just now he has asked to take me for a cocktail up the coast in his convertible whilst the dc are at the gps. I kid you not. So it's imposdible not to feel the bad guy.

I posted a while back and have been lurking since, I'm sorry that there are so many of us in this situation. H moved out 3 weeks ago, i raised it but its very much a mutual decision as we both felt the same way and all discussions were about allowing ourselves some breathing space to see how we felt with a bit of distance.

My head is all over the place but I am still convinced that whatever the outcome of this is, we are doing the right thing. It actually feels good to be listening to my instincts for the first time in a long while. It's hurting me terribly and I still have the odd few tears but I know this will sort us out, either way. Make or break as it were.

Unless he has some sort of epiphany and tells me that I've been right all along and he wants to make the big changes that are needed and without which I have been left feeling so unsatisfied for a good part of our 20 years together- I think we're done. I just can't see him making them. And with the distance that doesn't seem so terrifying. Its just terribly sad.

Hang in there my lovelies xx

Well despite saying I'd leave it until after the weekend The Conversation has been had and it was horrific. I am being accused of screwing up my children's lives, of not being able to stick at it, refusing to try and work at it. He's away til Friday from early tomorrow so I've,said we'll talk again, but I am very aware of how easy it would be to give false hope. I think he's clinging to the fact that I might reconsider. The fact that I no longer have any love for him has been avoided (I just couldn't say the words) but I feel really, really awful. Admittedly there is a tiny amount of relief as things had been building up to boiling point and it was going to have to cone out. No going back now.

Diege and Sick stay strong. Depths of denial here. I wish we could have at leaat some consensus.

Thank you welshrarebit. I don't think I'll buckle but he's really hit my Achilles with ref to me screwing up the children lives for my own (misguided) feelings. You keep strong too. I have a feeling I'll be in your situation in a weeks time with husband of the year rolled out....

You're 5 months post convo. Sorry my heads in bits, are you still living together? What is your next step?

Stars, we are 5 months separated. He moved out in January this year, and the conversation about the split was had a year prior to that. It was the conversation that we will both make effort and try to change etc etc. Well I did, make the effort and made changes, but he didn't. So In October, the actually real discussion took place that he would be moving out, but we lived in the same house until January due to various factors. Those few months were not good, you could cut the tension with a knife, the dc picked up on it, actually it was horrible. BUT, it was during that time that actually sealed the deal for me iyswim, I saw that I could no longer live like that. I am not saying its all rosy now, some days a real struggle, but generally things are much easier. The dc are now getting used to the idea, they are less stressed and seem more positive..and I actually have some days with no stress which would never happen before. Next move....not sure on that one. I don't want to go back to how it was, he isn't going to change and I am not going to live like that again. So I am going to suggest divorce, just don't know when yet....

I never found that after the conversation, he picked up his game, ie

- dp has upped his game 1000%
- grooming
-new clothes
-tackling oustanding jobs
-supportive with kids
-seeking affection
-perfect dad

so, Welsh this must be incredibly difficult.

Big hugs Diege and Sick. Well done Diege for doing it. Hopefully the blame game and recriminations won't last, but you know your kids will be ok and they don't thrive in a bad atmosphere.

I've lurked on this thread since the beginning because I'm in the same position.

We actually had the Conversation on Sunday evening, after I'd spent months feeling anxious, stomach in knots etc- the same as everyone here. I have to say it was the most awful thing I've ever done- and I've been divorced before.

DH has been like Welsh's DH- he's been doing washing, ironing, putting away shopping-lots of household tasks that he's never or rarely done in the 13 years we've been together. He's booked a night at the ballet, all on his own initiative. In some ways it makes me feel even guiltier, but then I think- hang on, you can do it now that I've got to such a low point, but you couldn't do it during all these years?

It's like we never had all the conversations over the years, where I would say I was unhappy, that he needed to join in with family life more, he needed to make these changes and so on. It seemed to be a complete surprise to him.

Ugh. Sorry. Waffling now. Like PPs have said though- it really helps to get it out to others who are going through the same thing. Makes me feel less of a terrible, selfish person.

I've sent him an email. He's been away for a couple of days and is due back tonight. I don't know what to think now. Fucking hell.

Wow. Big step. How do you feel about sending it?

I don't know. I think I want to cry.

Well done floundering.

Still more outstanding behaviour here. He has asked my (quite rightly) to stop being so cold with him.

He keeps telling me about the amazing life we have which on the surface he is correct about. Beautiful house, beautiful children, great careers. Just a lack of mutual love and respect. If it's any help I feel like an utter bastard.

As we go on hol early june have decided to continue the charade another three weeks so we can have some semblance of a hol. We have 2 apartments and 2 extended fam coming so I am thinking we have a back up plan. What are other people doing for hols? Have also got a sc starting school this autumnn- but will there ever be a good time?

Shodan your dh is like a rwin of mine - though mine doesnt do washing ironing or cooking. He gas however booked a joint tennis class tonight. I am desperate for him to fuck up again so I know am not imagining this.

I am desperate for him to fuck up again so I know am not imagining this.

Oof. So much truth to this. Such an ugly thought, and yet one I definitely relate to.

All yes there is a lot in my head that is spunding very ugly. These are things I wouldn't even verbalise to my dearest friends. On many levels oh is a very lovely and warm hearted man and will paint himself the victim but I am being unreasonable too. I think I need to step back from this thread to try for a few more weeks at Happy Families.

I do have another question first though. Although it is unbearable for him to touch me sexually I still spend some of the night cudfling. I'm so confused.

So I know he knows there is an email. (I have to whatsapp him otherwise he won't look at personal emails). No reply to the whatsapp or the email though. I think today will be horrible. I haven't mentioned splitting up in the email, just how unhappy I am and why. I have absolutely no idea what his reaction will be.

That should say cuddling. It's confusing. What are peoples views?
I need to get a spellcheck on this!

Floundering at least he has read it. Holding your hand here. Can you do somethimg nice for yourself today? Do you think he us likely to reply anyway? I know if it was us this would trigger a conversation though not neccessarily straight away. Hugs x