Curious to hear from people who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL but just unsatisfying

[All0vertheplace]

Have you made the tough choice to leave a marriage -- not because of abuse or an affair, but just because you were mismatched and things weren't working out.

If so, how was that decision, and how have your life and relationships been since?

Hello UpYerGansey and welcome. So many people in the same boat. So sad we are all going through this.

Hi Dusty - thanks Floundering 👋🏻
dusty - an open marriage situation is the only game in town as far as I can see. It's not even an open "marriage" really in my head. I don't feel "married" any more, not in any real sense. I'm financially, legally and genetically tied. I have responsibilities to my family which I'll do my best to fulfill.
But I was dying inside, of despair, loneliness, the sense of failure, sense of being trapped and watching the world spin on whilst I looked at it go by.
It doesn't seem to bother him much.

When I dream about winning the lottery, I don't dream about a house in the south of France. I dream about buying a house around the corner!!

Floundering, I think I'd have the conversation now on the back of him talking about future plans. You might kick yourself at a later date if you don't, though only you know when the time is right. Not that I am any judge of timing!

Hello all. Will throw my keys into the bowl. We had the convo over a week ago. It's been hell. I'm in the spare room. First relate session yesterday. Went just how I predicted it. Will go back next week. Feel shattered, bad back from z bed, emotional, desolate.

He's a good man. No abuse of any sort just wrapped up in himself. All words, no action. We have 2 dcs. Together 15 years. Can't imagine staying with him. Makes me shudder. And that brings on the guilt big style. Can't wait to be single and have my own space even though I'll have to cut back

He's currently being dad of the year where before he found it too stressful. He says he will do anything and I should have told him before... Like I didn't. I kind of wish he wasn't being so nice. It's torture.

This is the worst thing I've ever had to do

Found my way over here from another thread...

I haven't read everything but what I have read rings so true. I am in awe of how brave you all are to actually have the balls to go through with it and say the words. I don't think I'll ever be ready.
With DH 11 years, married 5 and have a 2 year old. Like many of you there's nothing huge wrong; I'm just now at the stage that the little things are adding up and I'm so resentful that I'm keeping score. I keep wishing he would end it (if he told me he was having an affair I'd be hurt but I'd get over it pretty quickly) so that I don't have to be the bad guy. He will never do this as his indecision and Inability to do the simplest thing without constant reinforcement (nagging) is the main thing driving me crazy.
I don't want to live my 30s like this. I don't think he's changed at all in the 11 years I've known him and that's such a big problem now. The things that I could once brush under the carpet and believed he would grow out of, have become unbearable since having DS.

He is a WONDERFUL father and DS loves him so much. The thought of breaking them up kills me. My dad left when I was younger and I've never really forgiven him for it. I'm so scared that DS will resent me in future.

But I'm so unhappy. I'm sick of doing everything for everyone. I'm sick of planning for DS's future only for it to be curtailed by his indecision. I'm tired of picking up the slack (and there's a constant stream of it). There is no intimacy. I can't remember the last time we hugged or tallied about anything other than DS and the logistics surrounding him. I tried instigating intimacy for a long time and it would be begrudgingly reciprocated. There's only so many times you can try and be rejected before you give up entirely.

He would end up in a grotty flat (house is in joint names but I put deposit down and he'd never claim on it-like I said, a thoroughly decent guy). He'd hate me. I don't want to lose him as a friend but I can't help thinking that there must be more to
Life than this.

We've had "the talk". Numerous times. Each time I tell him how unappreciated and taken for granted I feel and each time there's a genuine effort to change. He gets off his arse and does housework and gets a little more proactive. Yet 6-8 weeks later, we're exactly where we were before.

I know we're both going through the motions and are likely both unhappy. He will never leave because his father did; I will never leave because my father did. We're stuck and I wish I had the balls to do something about it.

I know that if we ever do split, that I will move live with another man again.

Why stay? Some of these stories just sound dire.
Is staying together for kids really that important?

Is it just fear?

I think there are lots of reasons pjtime, not saying they're good ones mind. Could be fear of the unknown, crushed spirit, low self worth, guilt. It can take years to sift through the crap and finally make the leap. Lots of posters will gradually realize they have to do it, like me.

I'm with pp above. I will never live with another man again

I accept that but two people now have said they are having/had affairs/flings. How is that going to hurt someone less than just being honest.

For me, it's fear.

I'm scared of the judgement I will experience, both from his family and mine. I'm scared of how DS will be poisoned by DH's mother. Right now I can control it; if we split, she will have free reign to infest DS with her nonsense.

I'm scared in case I'm grass is greenering. If DH had been awful then it would be easy. The fact that I know he's a decent man has me worried that calling it quits it's the wrong thing to do; what If it ends and I regret it. What if I'm inherently unloveable and end up alone?

diege that's what I was thinking.

pjtime because dysfunction becomes normality. Because life just isn't that simple. Because being the one to break up the family is a big fucking deal. No one wants to instigate that shit. Especially when there are kids involved.

Pj time i don't think you appreciate the complexity of the situation that many of us fond us in or indeed the complexity of human attachment! The whole point of this thread has now become a support thread for those who are stagnating in a 'too bad to stay too good to leave' relationship situation. The common theme is that the dp's /dhs are generally not abusive or even signed up to the prospect of leaving. Or factoring children into the equation the burden of guilt feels enormous. Your empathy would be appreciated therefore.

mytummy- but are you not alone in your marriage? For me that feeling is worse. At least when single again you have hope.

I get that's it's scary and people will be upset etc but millions of people have been through this.

If your partners are such good men, would they not be reasonable or at least reasonable to an extent that in time you could be civil or even remain friends.

I have been through a divorce and it takes a lot of strength. My DH was a good man too. He still is. It just wasn't meant to be for us. He has moved on now and has a new wife and family as do I. It's 18 years later for me.

I'm not going to give you a look at me now story etc as I'm not saying life turns into some fairytale afterwards. It has been hard at times, lonely at times and has had me thinking at times. But it frees you from the mental torture that being alone in a marriage brings. There is no worse feeling for me.

Affairs/flings are not the answer. They bring more pain than anything to the recipient. Sometimes honesty really is the best policy.

I won't comment again as I know you are all using this thread as support.

I wish you all luck whatever decisions you make.

Pj time sorry I think I misread you and didn't mean to be snippy so I alologise. Just struggling a lot at the moment. Your story is helpful - thank you for sharing. Look at me know stories spur me on.

Pjtime, the reality is, if I were to call time tomorrow my husband would be forced out of his home and would have to live in a shitty flat.
Because that's all he'd be able to afford.
I don't want to do that to him, and he'd not do it to me either

Glad it all worked out nicely for you, fist-bump - but a few here are still in the trenches

It's so easy to say "why not just leave", I know I've said it about friends in shitty relationships. Saying it is one thing, life just isn't so simple. And many do leave but it's not like it just happens in one day, it can take years to even realise you're in a rut, never mind begin to climb out of it.

I keep coming back to lurk on this thread. So sorry to hear you are both struggling All0ver and Floundering and many others who find themselves in an excuse for a marriage.
Posted earlier that we'd agreed to split. Now in split limbo, financially and practically it can't happen for another 3-4 months.
I am in a strange place DH is being lovely, reasonable and even showing signs of being less of a lazy arse. However I still do not fancy him, have lost all trust and ultimately we both made the decision to split during a counselling session.
It feels like it never happened, he is acting as we never spoke about it... I'm unnerved by it all.
I feel like the bad guy and am going a bit crazy wondering if I made it all up, if it's really as bad as I thought. We are still not talking about anything important and still do everything separately so I guess that's my answer.
I found a letter he wrote to me, but hasn't given me setting out what he wants 50/50 split parenting etc, all of which seems reasonable. It's the only indication I have I didn't make it up, but he hasn't given me the letter!?
Sorry rambled on, feeling guilty and even more of a failure. Talking to friends in good strong marriages, makes me thing I'm just not trying hard enough to make it work and am giving up, but I'm so unhappy.

Is it an unwritten rule that we have to be "The Bad Guys"? It is certainly that way in my relationship and break up. No matter what's happened in the months or years preceding, the one who takes the much needed step of ending the relationship is painted as the monster. My wife's friends are a very tight knit group and have never been particularly welcoming to me so my name will be absolute mud. She is very good at playing the victim and shirking responsibility so I have no doubt she will be seem as long suffering and I'm this terrible person.

Half baked, when you speak to your friends in strong marriages, presumably both people are trying hard and making the effort? With the best will in the world, if only one person is putting the effort it, you just won't have a strong relationship.
Will you ask DH about the letter, do you think?

I read this thread everyday. And I'm truly thankful to all of you for your honesty. I have just written a letter to my partner of 19 years (although I haven't sent it yet) next week will be the 4th anniversary of our Civil Partnership and I keep asking myself why the hell did I do it. I am totally miserable. She won't talk to me. Always to tired, or stressed with work. We haven't slept together for over 3 years. We live parallel lives. And what ever I do is never right! We have 2 DC who I adore and don't want to disrupt or screw up but the thought of staying in such a controlling and empty relationship is so sad.

Well done to all you amazing, strong people who have had the chat.

I have made the mistake of browsing Guardian Soulmates. There are a couple of people on there, in my local area, who just look lovely. Maybe it's not a mistake. Maybe it'll help me see what else is possible.

I wish I could have an affair as then there would be a "reason" for it ending, but I could never do that. I don't have the energy or time to devote to another person. I'm just too drained.
I keep thinking that I'm just being stupid and that this is what marriage is like after you've been together for a long time. I don't have a frame of reference and DH is such a nice, reliable guy. I know that if we were to break up, he'd meet someone quickly and I don't know how I feel about that (especially as he would, no doubt, change the behaviour which has got us into this mess.)

We literally haven't spoken, past cursory hellos and goodbyes, for two days. There's nothing to say anymore.

I understand how frustrating it must be to read these stories and be screaming "just leAve already!". Believe me, I NEVER thought I'd be in this position, but here I am.

Mytummy, I wish I could too or that my other half is having one then I could just draw a line and say well there you go... to you

500 posts! Wow. Hang in there, everybody.

I wish I could have an affair as then there would be a "reason" for it ending, but I could never do that. I don't have the energy or time to devote to another person. I'm just too drained.

I thought this too. I wanted to have an affair as a bit of tit for tat really, to get him back for doing it to me, although it was years ago. But I also could never bring myself to do it, although there was one occasion that it would have been possible. Then (as I did mention upthread) something did happen a few weeks ago, and as short lived that it was, I felt incredible at the time, I finally felt that connection with somebody that everyone talks about. I've known him a long time as a friend, but on top of being comfortable with him, he was so nice, caring, gentle and there most definitely something strong between us, he talked about feeling safe, close etc. But then again, I suppose I would believed anything that night, he could have said the sky was green and I would have believed it. BUT, he isn't available...so now not only do I have the heartache of a separation, heartache of being a single mum, heartache of an incident this week where my dd found messages from another women on her dads phone whilst she was with him for the weekend, but now I have the heartache of not trying to think of this man that I so stupidly cannot stop thinking about....

So, I really really would advise against the affair part...it really complicates things, and makes things a lot harder.

5 months down the line now, I have to say...the hardest part is the discussion about, and the actually going ahead and doing the split. This is what I think. Although its still early days for me too, the day to day things are easier in a way (I say in a way as I do everything myself now).. the general stuff. My next step is the divorce discussion, as that is still coming, I am sure that is what I want now. That will be in the next few steps, as I feel like I am forward about half a step now...