Curious to hear from people who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL but just unsatisfying

[All0vertheplace]

Have you made the tough choice to leave a marriage -- not because of abuse or an affair, but just because you were mismatched and things weren't working out.

If so, how was that decision, and how have your life and relationships been since?

We're still mulling it over -- have taken a half step back from the brink, so as not to sleepwalk into anything. Postponed telling the kids. As if we're waiting for a sign. This would be so much easier if we hated each other's guts.

Hey Welshrarebit, I hear what you're saying about the big changes. DH has dramatically raised his game, but annoyingly so. I complained before about doing everything, now he won't let me so anything. And it's just not sustainable.

We've had some lovely family time together, really making an effort for the kids and to try and spark something. But there hasn't been one thing we've done together I wouldn't have enjoyed on my own.

I just can't seem to get the words out...Made strong hints on Saturday night after he,was being particularly obnoxious, but I need to spell things our clearly. This hanging on is torture. I alternate between wanting a confrontation so I can spill, and then avoiding being alone with him in case he asks me what's wrong. Madness. I'm usually good,at taking a deep breath and doing scary things, bur with this I suppose its then headlong into more hell as opposed to plain euphoria at having done something difficult. Would it be a total cop our to initiate something by text? 😅

Diege. I'm so with you. I've tried a few times but get fobbed off by dh storming off or saying we just both need to make more effort, me more than him.
I'm getting closer to thinking this can't go on, although I still have doubts about the car crash Im going to cause.
Gruffalogirl that sounds horrible and no definitely not a normal argument. Has it happened before, have you been at the receiving end? It's also quite intimidating to see someone do that in reaction to an argument with you. I would tread carefully but say that violence is unacceptable and that they need to address their anger as that behaviour is unacceptable.

This hanging on is torture.

It really is.

Hope you are ok allover its an awful time that I wouldn't wish on anyone.

I'm frantically looking for dealbreakers. Im sure I'm picking fights. But i just keep seeing more and more evidence. The latest being oh's refusal to lend mum his cars when hers had broken down. Even although he as a work van. Resulting in her spending 100 on a hire car. My mum s extremely generous and lent him the money for the car in.the first place. As well as contributing towards our childcare etc. AIBU to think this is atrocious to the woman who bends over backwards for us.

Bloody hell - just found this thread and realised how many of us there are

Found this thread and just read it all the way through. As much as I'm sad there are so many of us, it's good to know I'm not alone!

I've been married to DH 12 years, together 14, 2 DCs 10 and 5. If I'm honest with myself, I think I married him on the re-bound from a very passionate but ultimately destructive relationship that left me very bruised. When DH came along he was reliable, trustworthy, totally transparent, kind and completely in love with me. This was such a breath of fresh air I convinced myself marrying him was the right thing to do, plus I wanted kids and knew he'd make a great dad.

Eleven years on and he is still that man and I was right about him being a great dad. We are best friends and rarely fight and have a lovely home together. But I do not have any romantic feelings towards him at all. He still goes to kiss me and touch me each day and it's as much as I can do not to flinch. Even though he would have it most nights if I agree, we only have sex once every couple of months to keep the peace.

As we have both always worked and I have quite an active social life (without DH), I have managed to avoid spending large amounts of time with him and I really thought I could go on like this because of the kids and in order to keep our lifestyle. But things have come to a head this year. Both of us lost our jobs at the end of last year and so were both at home together full-time for three months before I found another job. Having him around constantly has been awful - every little thing he does irritates the hell out of me - the way he walks so heavily everywhere, his hair, the way he smells, how very boring everything that come out of his mouth is. It made me think about what things will be like when we retire and this would be my life, which fills me with horror.

And secondly (and I completely realise how awful I'm being and that he doesn't deserve this), I met another man earlier in the year with whom I had such powerful sexual chemistry (and I'm ashamed to say we acted on it twice but have since agreed to put a stop to it, and stuck to it) that it's made me realise what I was missing all those years. It has also made me sad that I won't ever feel that with anyone that I can actually be with.

It's left me feeling not just unhappy but suffering from a constant feeling of anxiety. I go from deciding to leave (which would totally destroy him) to thinking 'this is just long-term marriage, you made the vows, try harder and suck it up'.

Banana I know what you mean. I couldn't stop reading and re reading. I've also been reading 'Too bad to stay, too good to leave' and writing a blog. I'm obsessed and have hit my limit. I recognise about the minor things irritating, breathing etc. I don't like being around dp any more either and cringe when he attempts intimacy. Haven't put out for a month. Anyway fwiw you are coming accross like you have made up your mind.

It does seem like every other person is on this state of limbo hell. We need to free ourselves and our partners to allow us all a bit of happiness. Or just have a giant swapping party.

Does anyone else experience facebook jealousy of seeing happy couples? I also get jealous when I hear people have separated. And I've been like this for years....

welshrarebit, I feel a pang of jealousy when I hear about someone's ridiculously happy, 25 year marriage and feel sad that I won't have that but then realise that I don't want that with DW anyway so...

We have had the conversation. Predictably horrible. Everything is my fault.

Yes welshrarebit me. Our home life is miserable at the moment. I could do with some advice but I'm in bed on my phone so will have to wait until tomorrow.

Oh you poor thing girl. Stay strong x

It's saddens me so much this thread. Welcome banana. Very honest post. Sorry if I'm missing anyone new I've dipped in.
Another fucking dreadful weekend. I fell asleep in 'our' bed about an hour ago. He came to bed and woke me up fidgeting.
I'm so, so tired and fed up.. I'm exhausted.

So many people having the Conversation! All0vertheplace you've really opened a can of worms with this one.

I've set a date (in my own head) for leaving, a couple of months from now. I thought I could stick it out for longer so I could get my ducks in a row, but I can't (no ducks in sight yet). I'm having some health problems and suddenly realised that there will never be a day when he says to me, "It's ok, you relax and get better, I'll take care of everything". No matter what I'm going through, I will always be expected to be the strong one, the competent one, even down to looking after HIS emotional health when I'm sick as well as my own. If I were willing to carry on being that person we could go on like this forever. He's not abusive in any way, just lazy and happy to be mothered. I no longer feel hope when I look ahead to spending the rest of my life with him, just despair.

I'm finding myself looking around the house mentally cataloguing all the things that belong to him that won't be here after we separate. No more big boxes of hobby stuff that he hasn't touched in years. No more violent DVDs. A whole bookcase worth of books, gone. And a whole wardrobe all to myself! Financially it will be hell but I'm looking forward to it.

Thank you, Floundering. She was just crying in the next room, so now I feel horrible. I suppose it's normal to second guess everything and start questioning all your memories and everything you thought you had straight in your head, isn't it. It sounds silly but I have written a list on my phone of all the reasons this is the right thing to do so that if I waver I can read it and reassure myself. Things have been so bad recently but each time I've thought "right, we really need to try and make this work" then she's come home from work and the feeling of doom has settled on us again and it's just horrible and I know that we can't.

I'm sorry you're not well, Josian, you do deserve to be looked after.

I hope you get some sleep Iron

I think it's totally normal **girl. The list is a good idea too. How are you feeling this morning? I'm gearing up now for the inevitable though have a weekend with my 10 old daughter coming up this week that requires dh to 'childmind' as he puts it the other 5 (yes, I have 6!). I have a feeling he'd sabotage that if I had the conversation before then . I really have gone past the point of no return though - the kids must be picking up on it too which breaks my heart. Hope everyone's ok - this thread is such a source of strength for me.

The Conversation is certainly spreading, isn't it? I really had no idea this thread would have such far-reaching real-world consequences. In my own case, the conversations we're having now are mostly in the form of 'Is this right? Maybe we shouldn't. Let's have a think.' which is nice in one way, as we are very aware of how tough a divorce would be on everyone, but also feels a bit like a cop-out.

Keep on keepin' on, Conversaters! (?)

Hi to everyone as haven't been on for a little while now.

I came back to reread everything. Something horrible happened yesterday, I just cant even type it out as I haven't processed it properly yet, but just to say that I am not in a good place today.

Don't mean to be cryptic, just need to get some of it out as I need to.

Suffice to say that if he ever thought of rekindling anything (currently separated 5 months) its never ever going to happen now.

isthismylifenow I'm very sorry to hear that. Take your time if you can. Are you ok? Is there anything we can do to help? Do you have any RL help?

I could do with some advice please. It's a bit of a WWYD. Originally I was going to put off the conversation till after our summer holiday in August. I have a friend coming to stay next month and on our holiday in August we will be seeing my in laws and my parents as we are coming to UK for a bit. Hence me not wanting it to be awkward. BUT at the weekend H started piping up about the future. He knows I want to come back with the kids by next summer, so far so good. He also mentioned he would probably like to stay working where he is which would mean him living here or possibly Amsterdam (and coming to see us as often as poss, still being married). He wants to think about how we can afford it and start to save etc. Do I bite the bullet and initiate the conversation now as it is freshly mentioned by him or shut up for another 2-3 months? Things are pretty crap here. Not arguing but we barely speak and he is away at least a couple of nights a week with work. Help. My mind is all over the place. What would you do?

Thinking of you, isthis

floundering; Would you want to try living apart for a while? It could be a good way to sort of test run a permanent split?

If not, is there any way you could be vague about things, "let's think about saving when our holiday's out of the way" sort of thing?

girlwithagruffalotattoo I just don't know! In terms of living separately, H is away a couple of nights most weeks and works long hours. A small part of me wonders whether he brought it up to test the water....On the whole I think I maybe do need to start a conversation even if it is not THE conversation if you get my drift. Otherwise there will never be a right time. And I will never know what he is thinking as we never talk. And so the viscous circle goes on. Maybe I should send him a gentle letter he can read while he is away and I can say exactly what I mean and he can have a chance to digest it before we speak. Just maybe not quite as full on as what posted upthread.

Hello everyone

Have RTFT, and realise I'm a card-carrying member of this club that no one wants to join. So hello.
We are 'together' almost 20 years, married 13, 2 dc's 15 and 8.
Sleep separately. No sex (and it wasn't good when we did). Up to our oxters in personal debt and mortgage. Both work full time. Difficult teen on our hands. We get on pretty well, but no shared interests. He plays a computer game/history channels on TV. I watch stuff on my iPad, or do my hobby.

We've talked about splitting but someone would have to live in a crappy bedsit. There is no getting around that.
He doesn't deserve that. Neither do I.
I'd love to have my own space but that's not going to happen any time soon.

I can't reconcile with the celibacy any more - it was literally driving me around the twist. I've taken measures to address that. Not ideal, but it's something and at least there's some intimacy in my life again.

He doesn't ask any questions. When he goes away, I don't either. I'm planning to have a real discussion about this with him over the summer. The subject has already been touched on, it won't come as a shock and will be a relief to us both.
I'm mid 40's. He's early 50's.
It's all a bit soul destroying or at least it was, very much so - it's a little better now.

Thanks for reading.

upyergansey - there is a similar thread to this one and I was wondering whether you think an open marriage is possible? I'm in quite a similar position to yourself albeit my daughter is much younger (3). My wife has suggested that she wants to see other people and I just don't think I could deal with it emotionally. But as you know, with kids involved, it's not straightforward is it..........