Curious to hear from people who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL but just unsatisfying

[All0vertheplace]

Have you made the tough choice to leave a marriage -- not because of abuse or an affair, but just because you were mismatched and things weren't working out.

If so, how was that decision, and how have your life and relationships been since?

Thanks all. Still processing. Part of me feels a sense of relief. It's exhausting to feel one way and act another all the time. To go through the motions while knowing inside that you're not feeling it. At least now my life direction feels like it is in step with my inner life and emotions, you know? Not sure if that makes sense.

Need to figure out finances, living arrangements, and of course Telling The Kids.

That's the part that really scares me.

for allover and overthehill

Difficult times, sending you both strength. And admiring your bravery in having The Conversation. I have mine in my head all the time, but cannot say the words for a couple of years until DD starts school & I can do it alone financially.

I have been through a divorce before, and there are so many parallels between bereavement & divorce. The grieving for what could have been, for the times you were happy. I felt very adrift, and had physical symptoms of anxiety ( weight loss, insomnia). I think these are normal reactions to a life-changing decision.

A day at a time. And be very kind to yourself xx

Thanks Sauv.

Empowered is good! Today I looked at an expat specialist lawyer website. They have some good downloads on divorce and all it encompasses. I am nowhere near The Conversation yet but I am adding these to my ducks.

Hugs to you all, I was where you are just over 12 months ago when I moved out, I cant believe a year has flown by. I still think about what might have been but I feel empowered that I have just carried on and got through it. I feel happier, I don't feel as stressed, I'm not shouting at the kids (as much!) and I feel like I did the right thing
Good Luck xx

Thanks trying to work out what the next phase is. I guess we need to sit down with a lawyer? Try to work out a fair split. I brought nearly all the money to the relationship (OH was broke and living in squalid studio when we met now debt-free homeowner who earns twice what I do.) I want to be fair and generous (no desire to make him feel victimised or hard done by) but also want to ensure I am not totally gouged by the split.

Also, will need to look into benefits -- the whole process mystifies and scares me. I had a look on entitledto.co.uk but I do much better when talking to an actual person. Is the CAB worth a visit?

Its early days you will go through an array of emotions and so will he. I split house equity 50/50 and he had £6k of furniture as I didnt want any animosity but hes never thanked me for it, quite the opposite really.

All0vertheplace

CAB can't hurt. Also, a lot of lawyers will provide a short session free before charging for their time - worth looking around for one. The English Law Society website will help point you in the right direction.

In my experience, CAB was useless.

My experience was employment related, rather than divorce, but still...

They just handed me any vaguely relevant leaflets they could find, but gave no real expert advice.

They told me to go to the Job Centre and when I asked where it was, they didn't know!

YMMV

Thanks for the tips a very sleepless night, and my whole life feels like it's tipped sideways. Hope the disorientation isn't too permanent. Still haven't told the kids. DP wants to be 'totally honest' with them and give them a complete picture of our various unhappinesses and reasons for splitting. I would prefer to be a little more general about it do not want to get into specific grievances and so on, but it looks like that's how it's going to go. I genuinely have no control over what he says.

Thanks for the message. I really don't want the kids to overhear our conversations. DP not so concerned, but for me it's really important.

Big hugs to all especially Allover and overthehill. Calm before the storm here. Counselling appointment booked for next week. Not sure what to expect.

I am also gearing up for The Conversation (waves at Shandy!). I have known it was going to have to happen for some time but I am thinking about it constantly, churning stomach, lack of appetite etc. I thought I could get the 'good stuff' from other areas of my life ( friends, work, my singing) but misery and dread are starting to effect them too. I also went to see a Clairvoyant a few weeks ago (I know...) who was spookily accurate in his predictions...Not that I needed direction of course, more validation for a decision I've already made.
Dh has been away since weds with work and I know I'll wake tomorrow feeling dread as he's,back tomorrow night. I can't go on feeling like this. Surely however bad his,reaction is it cant be worse than I'm feeling already? Just so scared to have the talk - how do people get the words out?!

Sitting here looking at Rightmove. sigh

I can always tell when pmt is looming. I just want H to piss right off.

Another one been lurking and getting inspiration from you ladies.

Having read this thread and prompted by a series of events have had the chat ongoing since thursday. We have DCs 5 and 2. DP fluctuates between emotionally abusive texts and pleading. Oh and blackmailing 'why would you want to throw everything away' and aboit how hos life wpuld be destroyed etc. So i am made to feel like the big bad wolf and that narrative will be taken up by his family very readily.

He has (for once) taken dc swimming and i am back in bed whilst dc 2 naps. Feel emotionally drained

Question: is possible future inheritance to be considered as part of the discussion around dividing finances? My STBX has no living parents, whereas both of mine are still alive and might well leave me a decent amount of money at some point in the future. Is this relevant here? Should STBX get more now in order to 'keep it fair' in the long run? He seems to think he should, but it seems dubious to me.

As far as I have read future inheritance isn't taken into account unless it's expected immenantly. If both your parents are fit and well it'll not be relevant in divorce now.
It's worth asking about the inheritance on Legal, you should get a definitive answer.

How was everyones weekend been?
Anyone else feel conflicted when OH ups their game dramatically?

After the Talk dh has been putting in vast efforts, family time, has bought some new clothes and groomed thoroughly, playing perfect dad and trying to do diy. He has just brought me a cup of tea and choc
This is AFTER I have resolved with myself that this is it, I can no longer remain in this relationship, as our values /interests are too different his personality traits at times unbearable. Total head scramble.

Maybe I just need to keep returning to my list a d reminding myself of how bereft of any partner I have felt for years, how disloyal he can be and how rigid. Arrgghh.

Re the legal stuff I am no expert but expecting a fairer slice due to expected inheritance is taking the piss. When stbx divirced his first wife his portion did not reflect her anticipated future wealth which is set to be substantial.

to everyone who's having Conversations.

Things are just awful here. I'm sleeping in the spare room. I told DW of my plans to do this (I have a health condition and can't get too hot, which I do when I sleep with her) and she wasn't ecstatic but seemed ok with it. When I actually moved into the other room though she got really angry and punched a hole in the door. She was swearing at me and it was horrible tbh.
That was on Friday and it seems like all communication has just broken down now.
I don't feel any affection for her. I don't feel loved or respected by her. I don't feel she has ever put me first. There are so many things I feel are wrong, I could go on all night.

I can't work out if it was bad that she punched the door like that (other than for our deposit as we're in a rented house :-/ ). Do lots of people do that in arguments? I feel horrible about it but not sure if I'm over reacting

Hello girl I hope you are ok/safe.
I've recently realised that I have tolerated far more than a lot of folk would so I may not be the best person to judge. That said punching a door to the exent that a hole appeared sounds pretty extreme and totallt unacceptable. Is this a one off or a pattern of abuse

Dh has in the past punched walls and once managed to derail our decrepit patio door in the depths of frustration.

We have had a kind of talk but it is largely being swept under the carpet and therefore we are sharing a bed tonight although we have been playing musical beds a lot with the kids as a way of avoiding each other. I'd imagine if I confront him with absolute definites then he'd strop off somewhere as his own way to express his anger.

A bit like you the urge to separate isnt mutual and this is what makes it tough. A bit like you I also find myself switching off when crazy shit happens. Thats all I've done for years but I'm remembering and keeping a blog and this helps.

You'll get thru this - stay strong xxx