Curious to hear from people who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL but just unsatisfying

[All0vertheplace]

Have you made the tough choice to leave a marriage -- not because of abuse or an affair, but just because you were mismatched and things weren't working out.

If so, how was that decision, and how have your life and relationships been since?

sicknspan - thanks. I've already seen a counsellor who said to me, you do realise it was assault don't you. That was a real wake up call as I had no idea that it was. I've posted elsewhere on how hard this is making our marriage, particularly with my daughter involved as well.

Saw this on Twitter and it felt curiously a propos.

Allover, I saw this today and thought it was appropriate here too!

Hmm. I didn't think I was at this point yet, but I was a bit pissed off last night, dh took umbrage to this and stopped talking to me. Left to go to work this morning without a word, and I've suddenly found myself today thinking that I don't really care if we're not speaking. If this had happened any other time over the last ten years I would have been really upset. I think I've maybe been detaching myself without realising it

How has it been this evening, Icanseeformiles?

Tentatively joining. I'm in a similar position to many of you - want to leave but financially unable to do so. We rent and are tied into this house until early next year so have agreed to "work on things" until then and then see where we are. I don't really want to though, so feel like a fraud. If money wasn't an issue I would be gone already but it really is so I'm seeing it like I've got 9 months to get myself sorted and then hopefully I'll be ok. I have no idea how I will be but there we go. I find myself wishing we could have separate rooms so that I could have some space and not have to either go up early and pretend to be asleep when she comes up or stay up way too late so I'm sure she's asleep when I go up. We do have a spare room but theres no way she would go for it. The sulking that would result means its just not worth even broaching. I'm also thinking "well, maybe she'll have an affair or something" which is horrible.
Thinking of everyone on here, this is a rubbish way to live

Allover not great. I had made dinner anyway so left his in the warming drawer, he arrived back from work at 830, muttered a thanks, ate his meal and then asked (in an unnecessary tone) if I was going to be less grumpy tonight. Now if he had phrased it better or wasn't so much of an arse about it then I may have relented from our stand off. However, I couldn't didn't want to and told him to piss off. Now in bed reading to get some peace and quiet.

Oh and he can whistle if he thinks I'm cooking for him tomorrow. But I can also recognise that this may be the start of a slippery slope.

Oh that sounds awful -- putting it all on you was a particularly shitty move.

He text this morning saying he was sorry and had been in an awful mood at work all day yesterday and handled it badly. However he's apologised, and we'll talk when he gets in later.
Sulking is one thing that drives me nuts, I'd much prefer if he just said 'look love, you're way too grumpy today, wind your neck in' and I would probably agree, laugh, and we'd have a cuddle and it would be forgotten.
However I will have to address the fact that I was completely ambivalent to him not talking to me yesterday. Not sure what path that will take us.

God. H has just walked in after being away since early Monday morning. He at down and started eating really loudly and I just wanted him to go away again. He's been In London and said it made him a bit homesick (which I slightly call bullshit on) and then told me he'd been having a chat with an ex work colleague who is trying to get him to come over to his company which would be based in Amsterdam. H has previous form for dropping something big lightly into conversation as though it is nothing and the quietly perusing it without updating me (hence why we are here I guess).
Sorry I'm rambling. Poor bloke. But I realised once again how little I care about him as soon as he started eating. I need to start planning my conversation but can't have it till sometime in July due to visitors and holidays. Sigh. I wish he'd have an affair or something.

Pursuing not perusing!

NC to de-lurk.
I am overwhelmed by the posts on this thread. There are really strong people here. Afraid I'm not as strong. I've had doubts about DH and I for years but put them to the back if my mind. Then when I was pregnant found out just how 'not really in our relationship' he was. I so wish I had left then, before, never started.
We've been living as house mates for years. i desperately wanted a second child but when there's not even sex, or even touching, that's not really possible. He is too tied up in his own head to be in a relationship. He is more comfortable silent and resenting me.
Last few moths I've been under huge stress arranging house move, massive work stresses and very ill mother. Tonight I had a little reprieve, with some good support, and thought I'd have first good nights sleep in months. No, he decides to 'discuss' our house buying decision making. That means going at me and trying to get me to fit into his 'black and white' decision making box and cancelling all the information gathering I've arranged, which actually HE AGREES we need. Finally my very long fuse snapped and I walked out. I've had an apology along the lines of "sorry if the discussion led you to feel more stressed'. WTF! Actually made him say the words 'sorry I caused you more stress'. Taking responsibility was too much for him and he left to sulk.
This is just the tip of a very large iceberg. If I bored you with everything you'd think I'm crazy to have stayed so long. He really is a very good man, just with a HUGE defensive barrier all around him.
Sorry if this isn't really in tune with the thread just having a bit of a crisis. I know intellectually I shouldn't still be here let alone buying a bigger house together. God I want to overcome the cowardice and the worry about what it would do to DC and him. Sorry just splurging now.

Hi Twentyyears. Welcome. I think we all feel well certainly me, why a grown educated woman like me finds it so hard to break up when the writing is on the wall. I think it's s combination of putting kids first and a cultural thing that we shouldn't be the one's to break up family and complain.
And yet to take action would be so much more sensible in the long run.
Having said that is there anyone here who has regretted ending a marriage? So far we've only heard happy ever afters.

Thank you shandy. You're right. If it was a friend telling me 'my story' I'd find it difficult to understand staying. So complicated.

I have friends in genuinely awful relationships and couldn't understand them staying until recently when I've realised just how dependent I actually am.

Girlwithagruffalo- it's funny isn't it how we suddenly realise we're in a situation we never envisaged. Sorry things are hard.

Fwiw, dh and I took the decision to separate knowing that if we continued we WOULD end up resenting/disliking each other and not wanting that to spillover into our children's lives. But the oak tree analogy is a very good one and as our tree is still alive and there is till a lot of love and affection between us (or so I thought before he moved out) it's so unclear as to whether I'm doing the right thing. He's now distanced himself totally and basically ceased all contact unless about the dc which makes me think that he has already made up his mind,when I thought we had agreed that this was a period of evaluation for us both. I'm such a hypocrite saying that this hurts me so much when I'm not even sure myself yet what I want. Head is in total pieces about us.

I think most long term relationships become a bit boring and you lose the romance etc. I don't know whether it's worth breaking up family life for. I have a friend whose partner wants to find someone he has more of a connection with, is more excited about and I think he just likes those early years of a relationship as he has left a previous family for the same reason. I think he's made the commitment and should try working at it.

Mislou yes I agree with you that relationships do go stale. They have to be worked on, but it takes two people in a relationship to make that work. If only one of the couple is willing to do that, then that is how it is going to be for the rest of days. When you get to a point that it starts to affect one of the couple mentally, then you do have to consider whether it is worth breaking up the family and stay sane, or keep the family together and battle through life, unhappy.

And I speak from experience that if things are not going well between a couple, it affects the whole family. Dc pick up on stress, conflict, tension even though you are trying your damnedest to hide of it from them.

I think for many of us who have separated, probably at some point sat down and thought 'do I really want to live out the rest of my life this way'. To live unhappily, see no positive for the future.....

Both options are equally difficult, its like a fork in the road.

Mislou I also agree that relationships go stale. Your friends partner sounds like he's a little addicted to that first flurry kind of feeling. Although at the same time I wonder if your friend wouldn't be better off without him if this is his method to relationships, he doesn't sound like he can commit.
Most of the people on this thread aren't looking for someone else which I think makes a big difference as to why they want to end it and are feeling conflicted. I know for me, another partner couldn't be further from my mind. I am willing to work on my relationship when I get the courage to talk to H about things but the more I think about things the more I realise I have missed relationship red flags years in the past and that my H is actually pretty emotionless. The talk that we need to have is not about papering over the cracks but actually delving into those cracks and telling the truth to each other which I think is going to be very painful for both of us. I'm pretty sure the cracks are deeper than either of us can currently admit. Whilst my H does care for me and me for him I think I know him well enough to know that neither of us are in love with the other and I wonder if he is actually capable of being in love with someone. If he is, we do not have that chemistry. But we are both good enough people to deserve to find it at some point in the future, not carry along in a flatmate kind of relationship.

I'm pretty sure the cracks are deeper than either of us can currently admit.

Great line. Scary. True.

AllOvertheplace Thats why i haven't managed the conversation yet!
I'd like to ask opinions on something please. This happened a long time ago (about 10 years). I instigated a conversation with him that was a proper one way or the other kind of thing. We'd been together about 6 or 7 years at the time and I basically said I wanted to settle down and have a family. I had no idea what he wanted but we were going through a very down period. I wasn't pressuring him, in fact I think it went along the lines of 'if you don't want to thats ok, i understand but i do so we need to make a decision'. Now if he was properly in love with me then surely his answer would have pretty instant? It wasn't. He had to go out for about 5 hours and think about it then come back and tell me. In hindsight this is now a waving red flag to me that he was just considering his options not being emotional about it. He can't have been in love with me surely? Sorry, i'd be interest in what people think as its really been bugging me this week! Tons of other things too but this ones at the top....

Just read nearly every post on this thread. I'm sad for everybody on here who is stuck and yearning. I'm also relieved that I'm not the only one.

Been with DP 10 years, two kids, 7 and 4. We live like flatmates and he treats me like his mother, who died a long time ago. His sister often tells me 'I love how you look after him' But he doesn't look after me.
We haven't had sex for 5 years. I fantasise about sex a lot!

He doesn't even look at me if i undress. I think he has some hang ups which he has never addressed. A while ago I decided we needed to maybe get some porn to get things going but he'd be shocked and appalled. But now, I don't want sex with him. He never really cared about my pleasure before anyway.

We are not married. I go through phases of taking my engagement ring off. I will never marry him now.
He is good man, he adores the children, but doesn't do any parenting, childcare yes, but I shoulder the responsibility for their emotional and physical welfare. He doesn't even get what calpol and piriton are for. He is essentially, a man child. He loves family life like days out, but hates the domestic drudgery. He will deal with the dishwasher and little else.

Worst, is the constant whining. He moans about everything and everybody and his hatred of the world is sucking the joy out of mine. He is deeply unhappy. He doesn't see how lucky he is with what he has, and hankers for a bigger house, car etc but never worked hard enough in his life to save for things. He had £0 when we met, I had a house deposit saved.

BUT, I can't break my children's hearts. They adore him. I can't live with the guilt. I hope he'll have an affair and leave me and then it won't be me. The fall out - selling the house as we both can't afford to live in this area anymore, changing schools, moving away to fund a life elsewhere, it would be enormous.

So to cope, I carve out pockets of happiness. My children, cooking, hobbies, running, tv dramas reading, seeing friends, red wine, a sunny day, mumsnet. These all keep me sane.

I have become my mum. She lived like this. I just don't know how long I can do it for.

I just posted about this on another thread, but thought I would mention it here too.

I'm friends with a couple who were unhappy in their marriage. So they made the decision to separate, even though their son has autism and they were worried about how he would deal with the change.

In fact, it has worked out very well. They get on far better now than they ever did while together. The bloke is now in a new relationship, and all three adults get on very well, often have tea and even meals together, sharing the responsibility for the lad, and are meanwhile no longer making one another miserable as they build separate but parallel lives for themselves. A good inspiration to all of us on here.

This thread has been such a relief to me too, to know I'm not the only one and not being unreasonable to want more.
My DH is a great guy. He does all that he can around the house and child care as well as working full time. He tries to support me where I need. It's just that he sorts this all out inside his own head (decides my and DCs wishes and needs) without actually being in a two way relationship. Does that makes sense? He really does mean well but doesn't seem able to take on board other points of view. But he can at work which I find weird. At home us so much more relaxed when he's not around.
I thought being with me, not his domineering family would help him learn to be in relationship, but I was wrong. Sex was never great and he claimed a v low sex drive. Thought I could work on it until, when pregnant, found out he spent every weekend 'I'm giving you a lie in' on his own with porn (before having kids). He'd been doing this for over 10years. blowmy like you I fantasise a lot, and I resent the loss of my adult sex life cos we're celebrate now.
I do love him and he is a really good person, but I really want to be in a relationship not a friendship.