Hi everyone, I have been following this post but haven't yet posted. Thanks OP for starting this thread.
Dh and I separated in January. We decided in October last year to do it, but due to various reasons he didn't move out till Jan. Life at home wasn't horrendous, but it wasn't great. He had an affair some years back, and we thought we could move on from it... well I thought I had, but I now realize that I hadn't. At the time I just didn't have enough strength to actually deal with it, I ended up in hospital after I found out, and it was easier for me to brush it under the carpet, than actually face it and deal with it. Fast forward a few years, I got the speech of I love you but not in love with you, he said things weren't the same in relationship, we were more like friends than a couple etc etc. I still wasn't in the right mind space, and discussed trying again, try to spice things up, including sex life. Well I did, I always had the happy face on when he came home, bought some toys to use in the bedroom (which was thrown in my face eventually as then he came out the comment that I preferred them over the real thing), I was the only one who actually was making any effort in the relationship (imo).
So a year after 'trying again', I don't know what caused it, there was a minor issue, and it was the lightbulb moment. If I really had to say what the issue what you would be all wtf, she asked her dh to move out over that, but it wasn't just that, it was just the cherry on the top of everything else.
So its been 4 months. The dc (both teenagers) have taken it quite hard. Everyone around us is flabbergasted at the news and we were the 'perfect' couple in their eyes. No, we weren't, but I was a good actor.
So, although its been difficult and I still have bad days, I am finding myself after 20 years of marriage. I am going out with friends, this wouldn't happen before, we would just stay home and say no to invites, because dh didn't want to go, didn't like xyz who would be there that night etc. Then he would go to bed at 8pm so I would be sitting there thinking, wtf, I could have just gone on my own, but I never did. Now I am doing those things and actually, for the first time am enjoying weekends instead of dreading them.
But, nothing can be that straightforward that everything is going to turn out rosy and uncomplicated. I did post about something that happened last weekend. Although afterwards I found out the situation wasn't as l thought, I spent the night (very unexpectedly) with someone. And although nothing will happen again with the person, it was amazing and I realized what I have missed out on my whole adult life. It has been yet another corner that I have turned, and although that situation is difficult (I found out after that he is still married), I see what is out there for me, and sometime I will feel that way again with someone who I can connect with in the same way.
Ironically, whilst on this was going on in my head, dh has began implying that he wants to try again. He hasn't come right out and said it, but messages I have received, all point in that direction. He is sorry, misses me, misses the kids (which I know he does, but he does see them often), isn't eating well (perhaps because I am not cooking 3 course meals for him anymore), doesn't feel well all the time etc etc.
I know the question is going to come as to whether we try again. At this point, sitting here right now, I can most definitely say I am not wanting to. I don't feel great about it, but the big thing for me is that I can sit here, knowing that I have moved forward and am stronger, and for once in my while, able to say no! This is a biggie for me, I have ALWAYS put everyone else first, and I have been at the back of the queue behind everyone's else wants and needs all these years. I don't know if it is a stage, but at the moment, the only way I can describe myself, is emotionless. I don't know if that is right, or normal, but I have been though the crying, not talking to anyone and avoiding everyone, to this emotionless feeling. It makes me feel hard and that I have no pity. Dh was moaning about something, usually I would be suggesting he do this that or the other, to which I just replied, something direct and in fact quite rude which is not something I would normally do iyswim.
Wow, sorry this has really turned out long. Its been quite therapeutic for me to sit and type this all out today though, as it sort of puts things in perspective for me as well, just reading it back.