Curious to hear from people who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL but just unsatisfying

[All0vertheplace]

Have you made the tough choice to leave a marriage -- not because of abuse or an affair, but just because you were mismatched and things weren't working out.

If so, how was that decision, and how have your life and relationships been since?

Thank you Balders for your inspiring post and well done you. Ordinary man you are right of course this situation is one that men can find themselves in as well. But it's more likely to be a woman who finds herself in this situation.
It would be so much better if there didn't end up blame for just one for the end of a relationship. Obviously two are involved.
I gave written several responses lately but haven't been able to post. Perhaps it's a conspiracy.

Omg it posted!

Yes, I was going to say something similar. Men and women must both encounter this situation, although I wonder if it is more likely to be a man who keeps his head down and pushes on, saying nothing. Not sure why I feel that is the more likely scenario, and of course there will be exceptions on both sides.

I think my husband is as miserable as me in the marraige, but stays because it makes his life easier being part of a family. I run the house - so all he has to think about is himself, he's never really got the fact that I've spent the last 18 years since DC were born having to consider their needs aswell as mine - he's never done it, just comes and goes as he wants.
Talking to other friends similar age I'm shocked just how many have the same sort of marraige and are utterly fed up with it, particualry as the kids get older and become more independent.
Just waiting patiently now until I don't have to consider the DC's needs next year then I'll put me first. I can't wait, already planning the decoration in my solo house in my head. (DD's will be at uni, but will come and stay with me in the holidays).

longgame I do that too, I've got some lovely candles and bits that are still in their bags because they are for my future pad.

I think my dh may have clocked my ducks in a row lining up today :( I moved child benefit back to my name last month and this morning he was absolutely livid but silent. It has actually freaked me out a bit. Really really dreading him coming home from work later.
One of the reasons I think I've fallen out of live with him is because of how utterly shit he is with money, even though he's obsessed with 'keep g up with the joneses' etc.
His controlling side has come out full whack this weekend so I am feeling very emotionally battered.
It's such small things but they are constant.
Like I made ham sandwiches for lunch Saturday and he made a big show of lifting up the bread, sighing and then fetching cheese to put in his and dds sandwiches. Things like that make me feel like I'm going mad. He hadn't asked for cheese btw,and I hadn't offered. It was just strange but j stances like that have been creeping in over the last 12 months.
Oh well. Just keeping my head down and keeping pushing forward.

Awoof - hope you are safe, sounds like a crap weekend for you.

Yes, good luck Awoof -- report back and let us know how it goes tonight.

AllOverThePlace - I have felt bad that I came into your thread and hijacked it. I wanted to say thank you so much for starting it.

So I mentioned I had tried to raise stuff on Saturday. It's come to a bit of a head today via text ridiculously. My best mate has been super-supportive this weekend. DH first reaction was "I was texting all weekend" coming to the conclusion I'm having an affair. I'm not. We're having a talk when kids got to bed. And I have absolutely no idea what to say...

Good luck ironclasp hope it goes okay xx
Well mine came home full of the joys because he bought a new tassimo :(
This morning he was literally silently staring and clenching his jaw and laughing at my healthy breakfast.
I absolutely hate this..
I know people will encourage me to talk talk talk to him but how the fuck can I and why the fuck should I? ?
Absolutely unbearable

Thank you thank you thank you to Op for starting this thread. I really thought it was just me!

19 years together... 2 DC and I am absolutely gagging to walk out the front door. Actually make that run! Only thing stopping me is lack of job and money as SAHM...

I can do nothing right. From making the wrong coffee to offering to poach an egg for breakfast. Why do I bother.

God, in my head I'm already in my nice 2 bed house!

The thought of another year makes me depressed enough to go the GP.

I must get out!

Hey all, Hope you're all ok :) Iron, I hope it went ok last night, I think the best tack is just to be honest and try to stay calm. The way I looked on it is that if it's got to the point where you're going, the time for screaming and shouting has passed, so I tried to not dwell on all the hurts and stuff that had made me so miserable, but instead focussed on where we go from here.

OrdinaryMan, I'm not sure why you'd come on here bleating about "what about the wedding vows" - a marriage is so much more than promising to stick it out together through thick and thin. That's an admirable promise, of course, but it does more or less hinge on both parties being an active and engaged part of the relationship. It relies on both parties continuing to love each other. You can't just make the promise then sit back and do fuck all to maintain your relationship, complacently thinking that because you're married, that in itself is enough. It's not. I would bet a lot of money that EVERYONE on this thread wishes that their situation wasn't as it is and that all was still great in their relationships, but sometimes it just doesn't bloody work. Yes it does happen to men too, of course, no one said this was a purely feminist issue. I'm not sure what's to be gained from lambasting and trying to shame people in here who are already quite clearly struggling.

Things between DH and I are very amicable now we have decided to split. We are in the process of organising a mediation service so we can get a separation agreement drawn up. I am periodically paniking wildly about money but fundamentally I will be able to manage unless I lose my job, but then I will have house money to fall back on to make up the small short fall until i get another job. Yes to all of those looking forward to getting their own place, I am looking forward to that too, although I think it will be strange to be living there without dh - we've been together for seventeen years. It's stressing me out not knowing where I'm going to live - can't tell the kids till I've sorted that out really.

There is a hell of a lot to sort out, He's at home today telling his parents, I'm expecting a dramatic fall out from that.

The whole process is very, very sad. Although I am so unhappy being here and feel so much that there is no relationship, and he has even confirmed that he feels very little beyond friendship on his part, it's still really sad. You have to say goodbye to everything you thought your life would be, and since dh and I don't hate each other, it's sad to leave, even though the relationship has gone.

also, the crying. be prepared for he bloody crying. I've cried every time I've bloody had to tell people what's going on - work, solicitors, financial advice guy, letting agents, all friends and family. Jesus.

WWKDD - I hope you are ok. It's so much change for you all/fall out. I will PM you

We had a chat last night. It was positive. We have decided to make some changes to our lifestyle and have agreed that if we can't make it work we will go our separate ways. I'm having difficulty with the calm, receptive husband he was last night and is being. Neither of us want to break up this unit. He is not awful. I am going to be completely honest with him over the next couple of months. I slept in our bed last night and slept through the night. We will really need to work hard on this together.....

Awoof - thank you sorry I'm crap at remembering PP names :/

INC -- Sounds like a positive evening. How confident are you that things will change/improve to the point where you'll stay in the marriage?

@WhatWouldKimDealDo

"...OrdinaryMan, I'm not sure why you'd come on here bleating about "what about the wedding vows" - a marriage is so much more than promising to stick it out together through thick and thin. That's an admirable promise, of course, but it does more or less hinge on both parties being an active and engaged part of the relationship. It relies on both parties continuing to love each other. You can't just make the promise then sit back and do fuck all to maintain your relationship, complacently thinking that because you're married, that in itself is enough. It's not. I would bet a lot of money that EVERYONE on this thread wishes that their situation wasn't as it is and that all was still great in their relationships, but sometimes it just doesn't bloody work. Yes it does happen to men too, of course, no one said this was a purely feminist issue. I'm not sure what's to be gained from lambasting and trying to shame people in here who are already quite clearly struggling."

I'm not sure where you are getting "bleating", "lambasting", 'shaming' or where I'm saying that one has to "do fuck all to maintain your relationship"?

That wasn't my meaning at all and I'm sorry if you read it that way.

For the record, I have every sympathy with the OP and all the others on here with the same problem...

... because I am in the same position too. My wife and I have the whole 'flatmates' thing going on, where we each have our chores and care for our children. We live in a nice house and we have no more 'worries' than any average family. We don't yell, there's no violence, we speak pleasantly to each other, but there's no intimacy, kissing, cuddling, hand-holding or other expressions of love and there's been no sex of any kind for a very long while.

I have tried talking with her many times and even writing her a letter to say how I feel and giving her oportunity to respond in this less-confrontational medium, but all to no avail. She is -happy- content to carry on this way, very much as you suggest, out of some kind of 'duty' and/or because she thinks that's what married middle-age is like. I'm just expected to put up with it and am painted as naive, demanding, unrealistic, etc. for suggesting we should be more than that.

I stay (1) for the kids, (2) out of some naive hope things will improve with time and (3) because there isn't enough cash for us to be able to split. If there were no kids, I would have gone already.

If you caught any tone of resentmentat all, it was this; that I resent being put in a position where I will have to be the bad guy by breaking our marriage vows in initiating a split, when it's her passive-aggressive stance in ignoring my unhappiness and refusing to work at putting things right within the marriage that will actually be the cause.

I stay (1) for the kids, (2) out of some naive hope things will improve with time and (3) because there isn't enough cash for us to be able to split. If there were no kids, I would have gone already.

I imagine there are a lot of people on here who can relate to that. :)

Absolutely. The kids are why I'm here. On the plus side I think we have a visit home to England planned for the summer ☺

I've just started reading a book called Too Good To Leave, Too Good To Stay which is menat to help guide you through to a decision.
I'll let you know how it goes.

Sorry, it's called "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay"!

Hi. Hiddlesnake that's the book that I had as well as mn it has confirmed my thoughts that there really isn't much left in my marriage to fight for.
Ordinary man you have my sympathies I and many others here are in a similar situation but what you first wrote was more blaming in that someone has to take the blame. In rl the divorce separation business does seem to focus on one party being to blame which isn't helpful.
I am still trying to find the moment for a talk and to hopefully bring up the possibility of counselling. Atwood hope you're ok. Wwkd you are doing really well, sad sad sad but I'm glad you're getting there and moving on.
I feel like my life is stuck on a wheel and I can't move forward.

I feel like my life is stuck on a wheel and I can't move forward.

I know that feeling too. Keeps hovering around the 50% OK mark without making a strong turn in either direction.

shandybass and allover yes thats a good way of describing it. I think h may have seen a change in my mood recently as he's started being nicer to me. Still no affection whatsoever though. I decided as an experiment to stop giving him a peck on the cheek goodnight kiss (he hasn't gone to bed at the same time as me for about 3 years). Suffice to say that so far it now means we have almost no physical contact whatsoever.
Why is life so bloody confusing, frustrating and annoying in equal measures.

It really is, isn't it?

When I think about separating, the thing that always gives me pause is this: the problems that exist in our relationship will still be there, they're not going to go away (we'll still be in each others' lives, as we are both dedicated to the kids) but they will be added to by a whole NEW set of problems, arising from the breakup. Better to have one set of problems than two?

I wish I could answer that for you but I can't! But if it's any consolation I ask myself the same question frequently.
I wish I still had more fight left in me. Or that when I had the fight, I had actually used it to get my point and needs across. I think what I actually need is a time machine. To go back to pivotal times when I gave in on stuff that I shouldn't have, or to give myself a pep talk prior to talking to H.
One thing that doesn't help living over here amongst a whole load of expats is the constant coming and going of people in our lives. DS's best friend last year left at the end of the school year to go to the US (along with about another 5 of his friends), this year his best friend is about to do the same (his mum told me yesterday). DS will be heartbroken. Whilst I like opening the dc up to new experiences I really feel they need more stability than this can give them. DH is away for at least 1-2 nights almost every week and I have to deal with the fallout.

The problems we have are all 'low level' problems that hum along in the background until one of us (usually me) reaches a point where I can't deal with it anymore. I wish there was something massive that would force my hand and make my decision for me. Which in itself is a complete cop out.