Curious to hear from people who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL but just unsatisfying

[All0vertheplace]

Have you made the tough choice to leave a marriage -- not because of abuse or an affair, but just because you were mismatched and things weren't working out.

If so, how was that decision, and how have your life and relationships been since?

It's such a tough decision, but at least you're making it in a considerate way.

What news from you, WWKDD? How's it all sinking in?

I haven't read all the thread, sorry but thought I'd give my experience. I have left 2 marriages, the first I definitely needed to leave as it was abusive and I had a dc from it (now a teen). My second marriage was a 'safe' marriage, for the wrong reasons which I didn't realise at the time. To the outside world I had everything, inside I had friendship but no love / chemistry / passion (ever). I decided to leave after 8 years (and put my dc through another separation) as I didn't want spend any of my life doing the wrong thing for myself, dh or dc. I left a wonderful house, lifestyle and money but I gained inner happiness, freedom, my dc seeing me truly happy and so much more which has far outweighed all that I left. It's been really really hard (especially a second time) but definitely worth it. All my friends and family have been so supportive.

Recently I've learnt that quite a few people I know are unhappy in their marriages too (in our 40's) and because I generally only hear one side of things, I have wondered whether some of their partners are just happy to accept life as it is and plod on in an unsatisfactory relationship and that's all they really want from life or whether everyone really wants more?

Hi all. We are in the process of splitting assets and deciding on percentages of the house that we are both entitled to etc. It's fairly hellish to be honest. I wanted to just split fifty fifty and let him stay here so the kids didn't totally lose their house and so on, but everyone is saying because he earns so much more than me, i should be going for sixty forty split and we should sell the house. I just wanted to avoid any wrangling over money/kids. I need to go and see a solicitor really.

This is all very stressful indeed. DH still sort of saying he was willing to try and make it work, while also saying that he envisaged a situation where we live like friends to bring the kids up, which is also doing my head in. I feel very alone with it all really. My family keep talking about me going for the house etc, and it's really, really doing my head in.

I know that it will get better once we've moved but at the moment it's horrific. I had a huge row with me sister yesterday because I felt she was badgering me about money, I don't think she was really, she's just worried about ime and wants me to get what I'm due I guess. I just think although I'll lose some money if we do fifty fifty, it means that dh can stay here, he'll be closer to the kids and they'll still be able to keep their rabbits and cat here, which we may not be able to take to rented, plus we wont have to spend money on moving or fixing up our very shabby house before we try to sell it. Sorry I know this isn't a divorce thread. lol.

This process if very painful, I'm hoping that I come out the other side happier.

Hugs What I've been where you are this time last year - was hell. I wanted to keep the house for 2 yrs as we were tied into a mortgage but xh was adamant he wanted it sold as he wanted to buy a house and also couldn't bear me living in that house on my own (was all about him no consideration for the kids), he wouldn't leave either so I had to endure living with him for 6 mths, so while house was on the market I moved to a rented house round the corner (luckily house was going through the sale) The relief was momentous - my own space. I split equity 50/50 - never got any thanks for that as in reality I could have got 60/40 - he's now bought his own house and now after 12 months I'm ready to buy mine.
Hugs it will be worth it in the end

Thank you :) We're trying so hard to do it amicably, I don't actually mind him keeping the house, as such, it just means that he will come off better than me, and everyone around me is freaking out about that, to the point where I think that I must be being a fool for even considering 50/50!! do you regret splitting it evenly now?

I should come away with 62000 or there abouts, but I'm not on a perm contract at work so need to either get that at my current job or move jobs before I can think about buying. Income wise, though, I have enough money to rent.

We are still sleeping in the same bed because we havent told the kids.

I'm so stressed at the moment that I just keep bursting into tears every time I have to speak to anyone about the separation - so far I've cried to the letting agent, a collegue at work and a telephone legal advisor - ugh. :(

Do you feel happier now?

I feel the same tendency in me, to give my (higher earning) OH the better half of the deal, in the event of a split, just to keep things on an even keel and enable the kids to keep one foot in familiar territory.

I am curious about the option of renting a small flat nearby and taking turns spending a week each living in it, while the other has their turn living in the 'main house' with the kids. Hadn't considered it. Can see how it would be good, but also various pitfalls present themselves. A clean break might be better.

I am happier now.
I'm not resentful that I split 50/50 but his attitude towards me after the split (EA etc) has made me feel angry at him, I did him a favour (ie. no hassle and even split) and he wasn't grateful? If that makes sense. Not many people come out of a divorce and are able to buy a house in the area they already live. And then he pays below average maintenance too. I think I'm too nice but then I wanted an easy life tbh, not got one since but that's another matter!! Makes me see his true colours after all these years.

I don't think I could rotate living in a FMH then a flat every week for the kids sake I think it would be too confusing, a clean break is better IMO.

Yeah. Maybe economically better, but worse in every other way.

Hope you don't mind me joining in? Married 10 years, together 15. 2 dc 7&2 and wanting to split. He is a good man and great dad but I just don't feel the same anymore. First talk happened last year and have been very up and down since then. I feel a bitch because I don't have the guts to finally push the button because of dc. I constantly wonder whether I should put my happiness ahead of theirs and how things will pan out. Dh has tried since we've talked but just says this is our life at the moment with young kids and work. I do get that but surely I should actually want to spend time with Dh, not Just as parents with the kids. He still professes to be in love with me as much as when we first got together and I know this would literally destroy him should we split but I can't stay just to keep him happy? ?😕
I did obviously love him madly at some point and we get on well as friends but I have no desire to see him, have sex with him or spend the rest of my life with him. I know things dampen down over the years but I can't spend the next however many years plodding on, going through the motions just because I 'should'.

It sounds all too familiar misswhattodo you have my full sympathies. I've tried talking and nothing ever changes. Thing is I can't remember us ever being 'madly' in love. He just doesn't do emotion. And consequently I now have none left for him. I know I need to have a conversation with him but I'm having trouble forcing myself to do it. Its all a horrid mess but I seem to be the only one who knows about it, he just ignores and carries on.

Tried to have the conversation last night. He says he's happy and this is all me. I'm the one coming home from work miserable, I'm the one with the issues. So now my head is in the shed.

Iron, who cares if it is "all you"?
You have the right to be happy and you are not. Just because he is happy, it doesn't trump your right to be satisfied with your life.

Hiddlesnake - thank you. I know but I don't know what 'to do'. Maybe 'I' am going through a crisis of some kind..

Model1 - I've just read your post. Gives me hope

I have wondered whether some of their partners are just happy to accept life as it is and plod on in an unsatisfactory relationship and that's all they really want from life

That's mine. It's sad that there are so many women in this situation. What's wrong with our men?

There's no abuse in our relationship, just many years of coasting on his part and dissatisfaction on mine. I'm a long way off being ready to leave, but jeez it's hard sometimes. He's been touching me in passing, trying to reclaim a bit of closeness - little pats on the shoulder, back, leg - and it makes my skin crawl. He's trying to be nice and I feel like a cad, but it's really hard not to flinch.

I think men like these are, in their minds, committing to the relationship No Matter What. Not to fixing it or improving it, just staying in it, through some fear of failure. I think it is up to the women to Have the Talk, the men might even be relieved.

I split from my XH at the beginning of 2015. Married for 10 years, together for 16, 2 DC (14 & 8 at the time). I had spent many years being unhappy. He was lazy, grumpy etc. I firmly believe he was desperately unhappy but he would never have done anything about it. No sex, no affection, didn't do anything as a family. He decided to become self employed without any consultation & then spent the next 5 years sat on the sofa happy for me to support us. I resented everything about him but was scared to make the break.

Then I reached 40 & my best friend took me on a spe day & asked me why we were still together. I couldn't come up with a good reason but said I would stay until our DS left home. That conversation haunted me & I just kept on wandering if I could really keep going for another 10 years. The thought filled me with horror. I also realised that although I'm not a particularly highly sexed person I couldn't face the thought of never having toe curling sex again.

It took me a year to get my head straight, emotionally detach & over that time things really fell apart because I stopped putting any effort in.

When I told him I wanted to split he was devastated & hadn't seen it coming (proof my years of telling him I was unhappy had fallen on deaf ears). His parents, who I adored, turned their back on me & I haven't seen my MIL since the day I went to tell them we were splitting.

He has not made life easy, we lived in the house together for 3 months with me sharing with our 14 yo DD. We still haven't settled the house finance situation, he pays no maintenance but we are divorced.

18 months on & the DC & I are so much happier, the house feels so different without the unhappy cloud of our marriage hanging over it.

He lives a few miles away, has had multiple relationships (including turning up to pick the DC up on Xmas day with a random woman in the car). We are on precariously amicable terms for the sake of the DC.

I have am nowhere near ready for another relationship but I'm perfectly happy with my life now & wish I hadn't waited so long to end it. The impact of this shit example of a relationship on my (now) 15 years old DD worries me & was another catalyst for ending it. I wanted her to see that women can be strong & don't have to put up with being treated badly.

Taking that step is difficult but SO worth it. YOU deserve to be happy, we only get one shot at this!!

Wow. Amazing post.

"I think men like these are, in their minds, committing to the relationship No Matter What....."

Yeah, it's like they made a vow or something...

Strikes me that men are damned if they do and damned if they don't. If they stay out of duty... damned. If they find another woman... damned. If they take to porn... damned. If they initiate an end to the relationship... damned.

And just for the record, there are lots of men in this situation too, where the woman has decided settle for a 'flatmates' relationship and is happy with that, regardless of how the man feels.

It's crap for everyone, whatever gender.

Balders yes amazing I agree. This really strikes a chord for me "couldn't face the thought of never having toe curling sex again."

Sorry Balders amazing post I meant gah