DH had 1 night stand - I'm struggling to get over it

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I'm a regular poster but have NC for this. We've been married for 21 years, have 3 DC (youngest age 10), no money worries, "perfect" life...except last week DH got drunk and bumped into an old work colleague. They ended up in bed together - he says they didn't have sex as he was too drunk to perform. I found out. He has spent the weekend apologising, crying, saying we (the family) are his life, that we have grown up together, that he's an idiot and he can't believe he's done this.

I'm a bit of a mess (can't sleep, crying, no appetite). I thought I could trust him. I love him with all my heart but it's fractured now. How do I get it to heal? How do I forgive him? I don't want this to split us up - I can't do that to my DC. So if that's my decision I have no choice but to find a way to move on from this and start to rebuild things. Has anyone out there been in this situation? Any words of wisdom?

I have no advice I am afraid but I didn't want to read and run. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I think maybe you should take your time and get over the shock of it all.

Can I ask how you found out? As that makes a big difference as to whether you can get past something like this.

Take your time and look after yourself op.

Thank you for replying - I found out as his phone "rang mine" - must have been accidently redialled in his jacket, whilst he got a cab home the next morning. I was away with our DD - and received a voicemail with the cab journey recorded. So I caught him out - as I rang him back and asked where he'd been....he went straight into shock and hyperventilating and crying. He says he's glad I found out, that it was a terrible mistake and that it is a burden he's going to have to live with. He says he can't believe he has hurt me in the worst way

Sorry, but I wouldn't believe for a minute that he didn't have sex with her.

He's minimising.

He's crying because he got caught. If it wasn't for the pocket phone call he would have never breathed a word.

Honestly? Don't let this pass. STD check for him, and make sure he shows you the results.

It seems as from your first post it’s very much ‘How do I…?’ Whereas I suppose I’d expect the onus to be on him…

How does he show you can trust him?

How does he rebuild that love?’

How does he help you come to terms with his actions?

I’ve not been cheated on (that I know of), so I’d suggest taking my suggestions with a pinch of salt, however if you’re already saying you don’t want to split up, then surely he knows he’s already gotten away with it? You don’t want to split, so whatever effort (lots of little) he puts into making you feel better.. he knows that you won’t split up with him, so it’s validating his actions?

Even if you don’t want to split, I’d want to throw him out and give him the utter shock of his life – if nothing more than to demonstrate how serious this is, and how you don’t tolerate his actions. It’s then up to him how he goes about trying to show that he won’t make the same mistake twice…

I wouldn't believe the 'whaddya know, I just happened to bump into an old colleague and we got very drunk and ended up in bed' routine either.

I would imagine he's having an affair.

If he didn't have penetrative sex with her (( and that is debatable) then he certainly had a good try with all the intent and foreplay that entails

If his cock had stayed hard he would have done is what he is telling you. Lucky for you, eh ? (Not)

Have re-read your OP.

You don't have to do anything.
He does. If he wants to continue being married to you, he should be working VERY hard indeed.
Also, as you only uncovered this last week, it's too early to have made any decisions yet.
Your relationship has fundamentally changed and you are now at an impasse. Just feel what you feel, and watch what he does.
Don't force yourself to do anything.

Oh, and if you decide not to remain in this relationship, YOU haven't done anything to your DCs. HE has.

OP, I'm so sorry. How awful for you.

What actually happened? So he intended to have sex with her, but couldn't? I suppose if that was his intention, then the fact he couldn't perform is irrelevant.

Only you know if you can move on from this. You need time and some space, I would suggest, to figure that out.

Makes me so sad when I think of how many families get messed up, because of a partners "moment of madness" or "one stupid drunken mistake".

What are you thinking right now OP? Could you forgive? Is this really completely out of character?

I agree with others, you don't randomly bump into an ex colleague and fall into bed.
It's planned, they're either having an affair or he does this on a regular basis

Also why do you have to do all the work

Personally I couldn't look at a man who fed me this bullshit

Sure he just 'bumped into' her, got drunk and was unable to perform. And I'm actually the Pope.

He got caught out and now he's minimising.

I'd some more digging before deciding anything.

Sorry to hear your going through this. I can't even imagine what it must feel like to be defrayed by somebody you'd been married to for 21 years.

A kiss I would get over but the fact he got in bed with the other woman and the only reason there was no sex was because he was too drunk to preform. The intention was there. I'd say this probably isn't the first time his had/tried to have a one night stand. He could of course be lying and they may of been sex.

If it was my husband we would be over.

Do you think you would ever trust him again?

He got caught out the first time he strayed? Doubt it.
More likely, this was one of many.

So you overhead his cab journey on your voicemail? Was she is the cab with him?

Sorry OP what a shock.

Yes, I have been in the situation. But what everyone else did doesn't really matter. You firstly, need to take time to process this. What you decide to do is your decision.

Does he stay out often? Do you go away often? Has he been acting differently recently prior to you finding out?

If this really is the 1st time in 20 odd years that this has happened, i'd be tempted to try and put it behind me. If you love him and want to stay with him, that's your right to. He would certainly not get away with it though. I'd make him get up the clinic and have STD tests done, to give him the inconvenience and embarrasment, as well as making sure health wise he's ok, before he even got back into the bedroom. He should think himself very lucky his stuff isn't in a burnt pile on the front lawn. Very best of luck to you, he's an idiot.

Forgot to ask, assuming you did ask if this was a first, what was his reaction? If you haven't asked, ask him now, whilst things are raw and he's less likely to be able to cover up a lie.

Again, I'm really sorry. It's devastating. Do you have rl support?

you don't have to do a thing nothing

he fucked up, not you

personally I would ignore him for as long as it takes to get your head clear

and get an STD check, AND do some detective work in the meantime
I would not trust him, is this really a one off???

• can you hack his emails/texts (sorry! but I would)
• how often is he out on nights out

sometimes doing nothing and evaluating is the best course

so sorry

First of all he needs to turn off the tears. If he hadn't been caught out he wouldn't be crying, he would be keeping schtum so the tears are for himself, not what he has done. You're the one who has been hurt and deceived, not him.

Do you believe him when he says he couldn't perform? Sounds like minimising and very convenient to me. In which case he's continuing to lie to you.

Im so sorry

I have 2 friends that we both very happily married and then forgave a one night stand (albeit sex was included), 1 forgave instantly - perhaps she never really dealt with it, or perhaps it is possible to just ignore and forgive. She is as happy as previously.

The other who forgave has had a tough time. She wanted to know every detail, constantly asked him what if this, or what if that, she doesnt trust him. They went to marriage counselling but this took a few months so the issue was prolonged and perhaps discussed more than was necessary? Although they have happy days/months, underneath it all she is still struggling and he is always trying to prove himself and must be exhausted by it.

So it seems to me that the best way is to make the decision to forgive (as you have) and very quickly move on with your life as 'normal'.

But only you will know how you personally deal with trauma - do you need to talk it out, make him pay for it, make new promises, or wake up tomorrow and just accept it as something that happened for unexplicable reasons and never will again.

What was said in the cab?

was away with our Dd

This seems like it could've been premeditated.

You shouldn't be the one doing the work, he should. He's the one that fucked up.

And I'm afraid to say that I agree with previous posters- his tears are not for your hurt, or the potential hurt to the children- they are for what it'll cost him.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this shocking and earth-shaking experience.

Unlike others I would advise taking his story at face value. From here on in you'll always see your husband's stories in a more skeptical light - and that's no bad thing - but as long as you feel you've got the crux of the matter out in the open and you've decided to try and work things out, please don't torture yourself looking to expose the lesser lies gonna get flamed that wouldn't change your mind. If they would change your mind, be my guest, but first ask yourself the question.

I also wouldn't advice sitting back and saying this is for him to put right. You may as well leave him now if you're going to set about facing this challenge as separate people, as you would only be continuing to drive the wedge of his making between you. That would just be a more painful, drawn-out way of breaking up. Only the tenderness and kindness of both parties can knit back together what has been torn apart, and a shared goal of overcoming this.

My humble advice that may or may not work for you? Look to the future. Communicate. Make plans together that bring out the best in each other, fun, fickle distractions without the heaviness of this situation, and believe he will earn your trust again with the space to do so. But don't expect it to happen overnight. There are no rules on how long the limbo period will last - the time when the pain is bigger than your faith in your relationship - so don't pressure yourself. In time, with optimism and perseverance love can be rebuilt.

But keep your eyes open OP. Wisdom is once bitten twice shy.

Oh - sending huge sympathies. Not surprised you're in bits. Entirely normal reaction and do try to be kind to yourself and give yourself all the time you need.

As many previous posters have pointed out, things could be a lot more serious than your DH is claiming, but then again he could be telling the truth and be racked with guilt.

You know the man and are probably in the best position to judge. Am not remotely suggesting that you should just forgive him if it was a genuine one-off etc., but just want to make clear that I am not in the automatic 'LTB' camp.

Before I was married with children I could never understand anyone who would even contemplate 'forgiving' that kind of indiscretion, but I think with increasing maturity comes an (often inconvenient) understanding of shades of grey and the bigger picture.

I suspect what will be needed is (good) counselling if you are ever going to be able to really get over this. Should ensure he is truly honest about what did or didn't happen which I imagine would be crucial in rebuilding any trust.

Also agree with the PPs who point out that it is your DH who needs to be doing quite a bit of the legwork at this point.

Huge unmumsnetty hugs from me x

i think sunnyshores gave very good advice and perhaps against the grain of mumsnettters usual advice...i would advocate thinking very hard about this ...he made a stupid, alcohol fuelled mistake and he is sorry.
Do you want to let this dictate you and your family's happiness for years to come ?
I know a lot of posters are saying he is probably having an affair , but honestly i have bumped into old friends/colleagues out before, had a few drinks with them , flirted a bit and enjoyed it ..ok never ended up going back with them but it is not unreasonable explanation on his part. he had a complete lapse of judgement.

I think you can make the hugest deal of this and let it overtake your life for years to come, and never truely forgive him , or you can look at it as a monumental mistake and he will need to work hard to earn your trust etc, but people do make mistakes and you can let him make it up to you and make it right if you want to .

Was he is shock and hyperventilating during the conversation with the cabbie, or was he perfectly fine?