DH had 1 night stand - I'm struggling to get over it

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I'm a regular poster but have NC for this. We've been married for 21 years, have 3 DC (youngest age 10), no money worries, "perfect" life...except last week DH got drunk and bumped into an old work colleague. They ended up in bed together - he says they didn't have sex as he was too drunk to perform. I found out. He has spent the weekend apologising, crying, saying we (the family) are his life, that we have grown up together, that he's an idiot and he can't believe he's done this.

I'm a bit of a mess (can't sleep, crying, no appetite). I thought I could trust him. I love him with all my heart but it's fractured now. How do I get it to heal? How do I forgive him? I don't want this to split us up - I can't do that to my DC. So if that's my decision I have no choice but to find a way to move on from this and start to rebuild things. Has anyone out there been in this situation? Any words of wisdom?

personally I would never ever take anyone back if they cheated

I just think it will poison your relationship for ever, how will you ever trust him again, I would think of it every time we had sex and I would also wonder stuff like was she better in bed than me, better body, etc

i am so sorry :( x

Does his story, when he talks you through it, make sense? Does it feel like it's something he would do, knowing him as well as you do?

From what you've said, it seems that he was on a night out, with work. He bumped into her, they caught up. So far, so normal. They carried on drinking and someone got flirty and in the end, it was so obvious to both of them that someone suggested going back to theirs/a hotel. How much time did this take? Was it enough that you'd hope he'd remember you/think about what he was doing? And then he tried to sleep with her and they did the build-up and the undressing but he couldn't get hard and they didn't actually have sex. Did they use protection? What happened then? Is it likely that your husband would just put his clothes back on or would he be trying to satisfy her or would he leave? When did he leave? Did they have a conversation about telling nobody/this will never happen again or did they just leave it open ended? Then he got a taxi home and was still not feeling guilty, he still hadn't remembered you, but he also wasn't embarrassed about not being able to perform - he was chatting to the driver about the weather cheerfully.

And then you speak to him, he lies, you tell him that you know where he is, and he crumbles. He cries a lot and tells you that it was a one-off, a mistake. Maybe it was, and maybe he genuinely regrets it at this point.

My concerns would be whether that story sounds plausible for the man that you know, and have known, for 21 years. If he has a documented problem with performing after drinking, you'll know what he's likely to do after. You'll know if drink makes him lose impulse control. You'll know, generally, how easy he is to entice when he's drunk, whether he's the type that genuinely wouldn't stop and think about you/his family/what he was about to do.

It would then be how you can stop this happening again. Does he have suggestions for that? Because, at the very least, he needs to be able to explain what he did and why he did it, honestly. Without that insight, neither you or him can be anywhere near sure that this won't happen again. Once he can tell you why, he can suggest how he combats this. He's going to have to make some sacrifices - knowing that you won't trust him, having some difficult conversations, thinking things through in detail when he'd probably rather forget about it - but those are the consequences of his actions, and the necessary steps to trying to rebuild your trust.

Does that follow? It'll be tough, and your instinct may be not to get details too, to protect yourself. You need to know what you're forgiving, though. You need to know that it's complete and honest so you only go through the painful healing phase once.

Oh for goodness sake, some people determind to make the op believe the worst case scenario

Many people have come back after a few months after discovering an affair stating that they eventually found out it was a lot worse than what they were first told.
It's not unreasonable to think that if he admitted to a one off with no happy ending (because he couldn't get it up, not because he realised how wrong it was at the last minute...) that there was actually full intercourse, or that there have been others.

At this time you could have got an STD from other encounters. Cheating is not harmless.

Even if it WAS a one off, still better for the OP to take some time to consider her options while her H stews elsewhere and reflects on what he stands to lose!

OP, you're right, some posters truly will not be happy unless you tear your life apart. Perhaps they have been hurt in the past, made the difficult decision to rip everything asunder. Perhaps there's some residual regret surrounding that decision, some "what if", or at the very least there will always be the pain. Sometimes people try to validate the painful or difficult choices they've made by encouraging others to join them, as if many making that decision mean it was clearly the only decision they could reasonably have made.

But it's your life. It's your decision. Who knows which route is more likely to lead to a happier outcome? You know better than most, but no-one can really know for sure. Your gut said work it out. Go with that.

You can change your mind at any time if the situation changes but for now there is no "evidence" as many insist there should be. Why oh why they seem so sure I can only suggest harks back to their own experiences - THESE ARE NOT THE ONLY VALID EXPERIENCES. Of course he had this serendipitous meeting and subsequent liaison the only night you were conveniently away - had you not been away there would have been no opportunity for a liaison, so this would likely have been one of the who-knows-how-many serendipitous meetings that resulted in casual flirting and coming home to you at the end of the night!

Good luck OP.

Making a lot of assumptions about other posters' situations and motives there!

Apologies OP, I thought he was coming home from a hotel.

I'm actually a stranger and I don't know you - so to claim I have some vested interest in what decision you make is a bit bizare. But I get you're actually just lashing out, and that's okay. I've not been in your situation so I'm not projecting, but I am empathising.

I thought "bumping" into a colleague still meant they got in touch and arranged to meet up. If you're saying that he was going out with friend X and just happened to run into an ex colleague and almost had sex with her...

Well, looking at this from an outside perspective, he either

1/ had strong attraction to this colleague while they worked together and when he ran into her, lost all inhibition with a bit of help from alcohol

2/ he loses all control every time he gets drunk and is around a woman he might find attractive (does he with you?)

3/. There are serious issues in your marriage, you're both unhappy, he's already emotionally and mentally separated from you and felt he was emotionally available to this woman..

4/ ? What do you think?

I don't think it will be possible to trust someone who you thought couldn't do this, and rebuild a new future, if you don't understand the "why"

My advice on rebuilding trust...

I was once putting away my ex-husband's jacket. It slipped off the coathanger onto the floor, and when I picked it up, some little blue pills rolled out of the pocket. So I looked in that pocket, and found two receipts. One for a wine shop, one for a hotel, in a city that we routinely went for nice weekends away to. We would go to that wine shop and buy some booze and chocolate. We'd spend the day shopping, go out for tea, have a few drinks, go back to the hotel room at about 11pm, carry on having a drink and nibbling, have filthy sex... Ah, the days before children.

The receipts were dated for a weekend when he told me he was staying at a friend's house in the same city. He never used viagra with me.

I confronted him, crying. He said it wasn't what it looked like. The viagra was a friend's, he and his mate went out into the city and drunkenly decided to stay in a (very swanky) hotel rather than go home (???). The wine receipt was just for snacks (I only had the credit card one with the total, not the breakdown).

None of this made any kind of sense to me, then or now. I rang the hotel and they wouldn't tell me a single thing about the booking. But the receptionist clearly wanted to help me. She asked me how much the receipt was for. I told her, and she said that it was coincidentally for the same sum as a weekend 'bed and breakfast' deal they offered on their posh suites. She couldn't - wouldn't - tell me if that was what had been booked, but to look on their website at the prices and I'd see for myself, and also see that you have to book in advance to secure that rate.

In spite of this I chose to believe him. He was so genuinely remorseful at how it appeared, so loving. And he was my husband. I felt I had to believe him - or at least get past this. Because I loved him, and I believed that, whatever happened that night, he loved me too and wanted our marriage to work. I believed that, even if I knew he was bullshitting about that night. Whatever happened, I believed he was genuinely sorry. So we moved on.

I never loved him in the same way again. I managed to suppress it. I managed to not think about it and doubt him all the time, it was never ever mentioned and I didn't dwell on it or simmer - I genuinely did forgive him. But I didn't forget, and it wasn't ever the same again, even though I tried my very best. I think once someone has properly broken your heart, it never goes back in the same order again.

But I was pleased about this. I was pleased there was a cold corner of my heart. I felt like he couldn't hurt me again. The worst had happened to my marriage, we had come through it, my eyes were now fully open. I wasn't a naive little girl any more, the one that had married her childhood sweetheart. I was a grown woman, a forgiving woman. Our relationship was more equal now. The blind devotion had gone.

Fast forward 5 years. It's 18 months after our son was born, and our marriage is struggling.

My ex didn't take to parenting too well. He didn't like the change in his lifestyle. He believed - still believes - that parenting shouldn't change you. There are babysitters. Life doesn't need to stop. I believe - still believe - that when you have a child, your priorities shift. I don't think either of us is or was right or wrong. It's just a fundamentally different approach.

I tried everything I could to make the marriage work. Changed my hours at work, tried to change my appearance, meet him in the middle on our social life... I wanted to go to counselling. He wouldn't consider it. And he left.

About a month after he had gone, I discovered he had been having an affair for the past year. He had been using his friends as alibis and when they found out, they were disgusted and told me that he hadn't stayed round theirs in months. Years. I knew the woman I was told he was having an affair with. He had once stayed logged in to Facebook on our shared computer and I didn't realise - I just launched it, saw 'I' had a private message, straight away opened it. From this woman. He was going on a stag do. Her message read, 'Wish there was room for me in the case x' I asked him about it at the time. He said it's the kind of thing friends say to each other. Yes, a bit flirty, a bit bantery, but nothing to it. And I chose to believe him. Maybe she did really want to go to Prague?

He still denies that he had an affair with this woman. Despite all the alibiless weekends away, despite that message, despite the fact that he is now married to her and they have two children together, despite the fact he was living with her within 3 months of leaving. He absolutely DID NOT cheat on me. He needs this to be the narrative. I'm past caring.

So. How do you move past this? I would say it's not impossible, but I don't think you'll feel the same way about him again. And once he's done it once and got away with it, it's much easier to do it again.

I don't say this bitterly. I don't think all men are cheaters or losers. Mistakes happen. Maybe this was a one off. But I don't think that matters. You won't feel the same again, however hard you try, even though you will still love him dearly and want everything to be as perfect as you know it can be. A little bit of your heart will always be cold.

So it seems to me that the best way is to make the decision to forgive (as you have) and very quickly move on with your life as 'normal'.

Exactly what you are describing happened to me. And I did as Sunnyshores advises. I loved him, he cried and begged forgiveness, and seemed really truly sorry. I thought forgiving meant moving on quickly and never mentioning the incident again. So I didn't. But every time I heard the woman's name, I cringed inside. From time to time it popped up in my head.

Ten years later, H left for another woman. The previous one night stand had been a signal that things weren't right. Forgiving but not discussing, and "moving on quickly" meant the underlying reasons for why he had that ONS never got addressed. Big mistake.

Only you can decide whether you want to forgive your DH and move on. But please don't sweep it under the carpet, forgive him and never mention it again. If he wants you to forgive him properly then he has to prove you can trust him.

OP - if you want to stay with your DH and make him suffer for a bit first, that's obviously fine. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. If my DH cheated I'd stay. I wouldn't justify my decision. I wouldn't allow anyone to say I was a mug. It's my life. I wouldn't post on here though as some people just want to think they are hard and clever by saying what they want without actually listening to what the OP wants.

OP, I wish you well. Decide if you believe him. Decide what he needs to do to rebuild your trust in him. Then live your life.

OP - I really feel for you. As I said in my previous post, I think it is often unhelpful when MN posters immediately shout 'LTB' from the treetops. 21 years of marriage and 3 DCs are big things.

Also, when you worry about the effect a split might have on them, it's a valid concern. Yes, it't true that it's 'his fault' not yours, but that's not the point, is it? The point is your concern for your children rather than apportioning blame.

FWIW, my parents divorced when I was very young and, actually, I think that was absolutely the right decision as they were not suited to each other and had a toxic relationship. So I am definitely not in favour of being a martyr and sticking with a grim relationship 'for the kids'. Equally, though, I think if I was in your shoes I would be prepared to try quite hard to see if I could rebuild the trust rather than just press the exit button.

As I said before, I think you should consider couples therapy. I can't see how you will be able to rebuild trust without it. I know one couple who went down that route after an affair and are now happier together than they were before; the therapy revealed loads of stuff about each other that they hadn't really understood before and strengthened their relationship (in the end - the actual therapy process was pretty gut-wrenching).

I also suspect it will be impossible to rebuild trust until you are confident you have all the facts. It is entirely possible that he is telling you the truth about the extent of it.

Even if you are already in possession of the full facts, I must be honest and say I think I'd struggle to get over it. But I think I would try. And I think I'd focus on the fact that none of us is perfect, we can learn from our mistakes etc.

I wish you all the luck in the world, OP. Glad you are getting some RL support too. And do keep posting as long as it's helpful

I wish I could put a bet on that he was having a emotional affair with her before hand charming post

Some couples can get past infidelity, perhaos try marriage counselling?

Personally I was never abole to forget. I lost asll trust, sex wasn't the same. Forever doubting their feelings for you.

It's interesting that you say you don't want to be the reason DS flunks his GCSE's. If that did happen then it wouldn't be your fault. It would be your husbands.

I am not quite sure what you heard? Just a random conversation between cabbie and hubby?

So it seems to me that the best way is to make the decision to forgive (as you have) and very quickly move on with your life as 'normal'.

I think that's terrible advice IMO. How does brushing it under the carpet and pretending it never happened help? It'll eat up at you and it just shows him he can get away with it with no consequences.

It was only a week ago OP. I think even if you can ever get past this, it wouldnt happen in a week

So my understanding is that he got a cab home the following morning after spending the night with this woman, it would be interesting to know at what time that was and at what time he was expecting you back.

I really hope you find a way to get over this and move on from it, as it is obvious that you really want to.

xxxx

The previous one night stand had been a signal that things weren't right. Forgiving but not discussing, and "moving on quickly" meant the underlying reasons for why he had that ONS never got addressed. Big mistake.

I think this is the point. You can forgive or try to keep the marriage alive if that is what you both want (I am married for 24 years and have 3 children and well understand how you wouldn't want to just up and leave) but you can't pretend it didn't happen. You'd also want to be sure your dh is as invested in keeping the marriage alive as you are.

It is early days yet OP. you don't need to do anything or decide anything. But I agree with others that pretending it didn't happen won't help you. good luck.

So it seems to me that the best way is to make the decision to forgive (as you have) and very quickly move on with your life as 'normal'.

Yes some couples can move on from it and after some time, things can get better.

I have said in all my comments to you OP not to rush anything, take your time and decide how you want to deal with this. And there is a reason for me saying this to you.

This is because I was the one who did forgive and brushed it under the carpet. I never brought it up, but I thought about her often, on the anniversary of me finding out each year was just horrendous...because I had no-one to talk to about it. I never told a soul what he had done.

I felt that I couldn't rip my family apart, I felt that the decision was now on me about what was going to happen next. I hadn't done anything wrong, so why should my life and my dc's lives be ripped to shreds because of it. I never even told my mother who was living with us at the time. But, 2 weeks after finding out, I was admitted to hospital as I was unable to eat, sleep or do anything since finding out. I was so severely in shock that my body just shut down. I could not comes to terms with it at the time. I made excuses to everyone why I was hospitalized, and I covered it all up.

What did that get me....well I kept the family together, kept the house we live in and everything just carried on. For a while things were better. The lines of communication opened up again...for a while. For a few years it was okay, but it was only ok as it was all a one sided relationship. I was the one fighting to keep it going, careful about what I said, never bring up the incident, I was the one making everything all right, making him feel I was worth coming home too.

We are separated now. I have posted quite frequently about it, as its all new to me and he moved out 8 weeks ago. He had his affair which I found out about via an open facebook message 7 years ago. No-one knew and it ate me up inside.

I know this is long, and you probably aren't all that interested in my sob story, but my whole point is that I don't want you to make the mistake that I did.

I thought about what was best for everybody else, I was left with the making the decision of...do I tell him to leave (hence splitting up my family and losing my home) or do I forget about it and carry on with my normal life and the dc and he still have some normality to their lives. Never mind that my life was never the same again after that....through no fault of my own.

I am so sorry that you have also been put in this position. It is not fair on you, you have done nothing wrong.

We did not go for counselling. Stbxh refused, real men don't go for to counselling he claimed. I advise that you do. For your sake as well as for the sake of holding your marriage together, if that is what you want to do.

All the best xyz.

So it seems to me that the best way is to make the decision to forgive (as you have) and very quickly move on with your life as 'normal'.

I didnt mean to brush it under the carpet . I meant, if you decide to forgive then, then really you do have to forgive. Not to bring it up again and again and keep thinking about it, or punishing (as in the example I used of my friend). If things were genuinely happy before this, then returning to this 'normality' is a good thing.

I am not pressing you to leave necessarily, not at all. But I do think this will need a lot of work...it can't be simply forgotten. It happened for a reason.

I think one week is way, way too soon to expect normal service to resume- any unfaithful partner who expected that would be totally out of order.
Most people are likely to be pulverised for a while after the shock of a betrayal.

Ive been married for a very long time and if this happened to me I would without doubt be asking him to leave to give me space. Whether he had penetrative sex is entirely irrelevant since they went to bed together for that purpose. It's possible for you to get through this though I suspect that as the pp says, a corner of your heart will be forever cold. That's his fault and his alone.

Make this hard for him. You may well decide to give him another chance but he needs to suffer some serious consequences. Him shedding a few tears and expecting you to forgive and forget is absolutely not enough.

How did it go when he came back from work to talk? I would also consider relate to get through this. A relative of mine was in a similar situation and found this helpful. In fact she did a lot of things that made he dh squirm and she gained a new kind of love and respect from him.

Did you manage to talk to him op?

Don't know if you're still reading OP, but how exactly did he bump into her and what was he doing at the hotel? Why did he do it? I would be very wary from now on just to make sure it was a one off.

Just wanted to say you don't have to do anything, tell him how you're feeling and let him do all the work, trust rebuilding etc. If it was a genuine mistake then you can get past this but if you do decide to end things it won't be you breaking the family up it's all down to him.

Oh op how are you doing today? After reading the whole thread I think you would need to accept that you might never trust the same way. Also your H needs to acknowledge the hurt he has caused you and support you however long it takes to heal.

Maybe laying ground rules would help? If his drinking causes such lapses of judgment then he should no longer drink.

I really hope you are ok. You have had a massive shock and are doing the best you can. This is a long road for you and your husband has a lot of work to do. Please reach out if you need a hand hold.