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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH had 1 night stand - I'm struggling to get over it

137 replies

xyzabc123987 · 14/03/2016 09:22

I'm a regular poster but have NC for this. We've been married for 21 years, have 3 DC (youngest age 10), no money worries, "perfect" life...except last week DH got drunk and bumped into an old work colleague. They ended up in bed together - he says they didn't have sex as he was too drunk to perform. I found out. He has spent the weekend apologising, crying, saying we (the family) are his life, that we have grown up together, that he's an idiot and he can't believe he's done this.

I'm a bit of a mess (can't sleep, crying, no appetite). I thought I could trust him. I love him with all my heart but it's fractured now. How do I get it to heal? How do I forgive him? I don't want this to split us up - I can't do that to my DC. So if that's my decision I have no choice but to find a way to move on from this and start to rebuild things. Has anyone out there been in this situation? Any words of wisdom?

OP posts:
BlueEyesAndDarkChocolate · 14/03/2016 12:16

What are the chances of getting caught, the very first time you do anything in 21 years?

If the ex-colleague was only a colleague (and not an old flame), it's less why would suddenly turn sexual? Why not have sex when you worked together? Why now?

Unless she clubbed him over the head, and dragged him back to her home/hotel, then he went there willingly, removed his clothes and got in to bed with her. Whether or not he managed to complete the act, is not especially relevant. The intent was there and had he been hard, he would have done it.

Ask him how he would feel, if you had been naked in bed with a man, and the only reason he didn't have full sex, was because he went soft. I doubt he'd be happy with that. But you're meant to just suck it up?

Jan45 · 14/03/2016 12:35

Well he's lying and minimising, of course they had sex, paleeze.

Until he gives you full disclosure he's just making it impossible for you to get over anything.

Also, you've to do nothing, you have done nothing wrong here, remember that, it's all him now to prove to you that he can be trusted and that will take a long, long time, if ever.

The trust is gone now, he's effectively killed of what you had and you now have to decide if what are left with is worth fighting for, but again, it's his fight to win you over, not the other way!

Iwillnotbeamug · 14/03/2016 12:36

I also don't believe he didn't have sex.
He clearly had the intention.
I also think they probably have been in touch for a while,I doubt they just bumped into each other.
I don't believe getting into bed with the intention of sex is a mistake it's a choice.

Iwillnotbeamug · 14/03/2016 12:38

I wish I could put a bet on that he was having a emotional affair with her before hand.

Duckdeamon · 14/03/2016 12:39

Boot him out while you think about what to do about the future of your relationship.

Then let him stew.

You can't be confident that this was the first time.

Do you have access to his emails, phone texts etc?

NameChange30 · 14/03/2016 12:44

Totally agree with Jan45

theredjellybean · 14/03/2016 12:46

a question for all posters who think he is having an affair...why ?
Is it completely outside the realm of possibilty that he went out for the evening as OP was away ( not unreasonable and does not mean anything) bumped into someone he knew, had a shed load of alcohol , a bit of flirting and went back to wherever with her . DO NOT GET ME WRONG , i am not saying this is ok, or acceptable , but it does happen like that sometimes ....it is not always a full on affair, minimising cheater etc....

The OP obviously , is the only one who can say if she had suspicions before this , or if completely out of the blue ...well maybe he is telling the truth.

It seems to me that by insisting this must be more we are in danger of creating a situation wereby the OP will be seeing more than there is.

I would ask him to hand over phone/laptop etc , all passwords etc and if there is no evidence, well maybe if she does want to work this out with him she will need to believe him.

I do not think that you can work these things out if yo are not willing to believe that your partner is sorry and is telling the truth and wants to make it right.

Original poster
xyzabc123987 · 14/03/2016 12:46

Thank you again for continuing to post. I have spoken to his mother and my sister. They are as shocked and speechless as I am.

I've just rung him and told him to come home from work to talk about this. All your thoughts and comments have been really helpful. I know I'm not going to make any hasty decisions (I don't want to be the reason DS1 fucks up his GCSEs!) but I need to see the whites of his eyes and turn the screw a bit. I feel anger rising now I've run out of tears. If this is not a one off (inc emotional affair), he's history (and he will be taken to the cleaners BIG time - I'm up for that fight) and if it is a one off, well, there's a lot of work to do to get anywhere remotely near where we were in the past.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 14/03/2016 12:50

If you did separate, it doesn't automatically follow that your DS would "fuck up his GCSEs" Hmm And any impact on the children would not actually be caused by you, they would be caused by your cheating husband.

#justsaying

Helmetbymidnight · 14/03/2016 12:52

MM, I would want to know the specifics of his 'banging into her' because I don't believe it. Is he saying he was out getting pissed with work and she came along? What is he saying allowed him to go off with her?

I think a marriage can come back from this, eventually, but HE has to be honest, and don't make it easy for him - if it doesn't ring true, it probably isn't true.

Toomuchinfo1 · 14/03/2016 13:00

You need the full story to be able to even think about getting over anything. At the moment you don't know what you are getting over, as he has just told you what he can get away with telling you.

Not sure if anyone has already suggested this - but have you thought about contacting the woman?

xxx

Gobbolino6 · 14/03/2016 13:04

Also, he cried and said he felt bad...but he was chatting in the cab. Brooding would be more likely if racked with guilt.

Helmetbymidnight · 14/03/2016 13:13

Oh I don't know if responding to a chatty cabbie is a sign of anything...

mix56 · 14/03/2016 13:15

too many coincidences, he has been shagging her for ages.

Duckdeamon · 14/03/2016 13:18

Any consequences for the DC would be entirely caused by him. Appreciate your desire to shield them, but there are ways of handling things to reduce the damage for them.

why should you have to swallow the shit sandwich and remain in the dark about his past fidelity?

SurferJet · 14/03/2016 13:29

& having to get him checked for sti's would kill it for me.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/03/2016 13:39

The problem with expecting full disclosure is that as long as you stay, he won't want to confess to more in case you change your mind, and if you split up there's no point in fessing up; I've learned this from bitter experience, which is why the usual MN advice to make him leave while you reach a decision is so wise

I believe there's little point in agonizing over the precise details of who contacted who, his alcohol-induced floppiness and all the rest; you know the intent was there, you know the chances of him being caught after cheating just once are almost zero, and you know the tears are mostly for himself

Ghastly as the situation is now, the hardest part if you stay together once the trust is gone is trying to ignore the constant doubt over his behaviour, which can eat away until you feel unhinged. Nor would I necessarily rely on support from his family, given that if it comes to it, blood really is often thicker than water

Only you know what's really for the best, but I'd urge you to make sure he leaves for a while so that you can have a calm space to consider the future - and incidentally bring home to him exactly what he's risked

Fifi10 · 14/03/2016 13:44

Rather than just getting him to get tested, I'd get my own sti testing done for my own peace of mind.
If he's done it before then he could have previously put you at risk, plus I wouldn't trust a liar to go on his own to get tested and report the truth back to me.

BigHairySpider · 14/03/2016 13:45

I too think it was very unlikely that he just happened to bump into her on the very night that you were away.
Do you go away often?
I expect he has wiped all evidence such as texts and emails so that he can minimise this as much as possible. Sorry op.

Easyasabc123 · 14/03/2016 14:07

Ask him for access to his email account and ask him to request an itemised phone bill. That may help unravel his deceit.

AdoraBell · 14/03/2016 14:24

Sorry, I didn't see that he was chatting to the cab driver about the weather.

I couldn't do that if I had "accidentally" cheated on my DH. I agree that his tone and level of chattiness would speak volumes about his actions and intentions.

Only you know how he sounds normally as distinct from when he is stressed. That would be key for me, if he sounded like he'd had a regular night out and wasn't concerned about anything.

nearlyovertherainbow · 14/03/2016 14:29

I'm a little confused. So you got the chatting to cabbie voicemail, you call to ask where he is and he just confesses everything?

AnyFucker · 14/03/2016 16:09

I assume he told op he was at home when he wasn't

So he left the other two kids alone while he went attempting to shag other women ?

Lweji · 14/03/2016 16:16

There are ways to minimise impact to the children, which include him not making a big song and dance about staying together and cooperating to make any separation as pain free as possible for the children.

Concerned97 · 15/03/2016 04:49

Sorry but I also just cannot buy the first time caught thing!

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