DH had 1 night stand - I'm struggling to get over it

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I'm a regular poster but have NC for this. We've been married for 21 years, have 3 DC (youngest age 10), no money worries, "perfect" life...except last week DH got drunk and bumped into an old work colleague. They ended up in bed together - he says they didn't have sex as he was too drunk to perform. I found out. He has spent the weekend apologising, crying, saying we (the family) are his life, that we have grown up together, that he's an idiot and he can't believe he's done this.

I'm a bit of a mess (can't sleep, crying, no appetite). I thought I could trust him. I love him with all my heart but it's fractured now. How do I get it to heal? How do I forgive him? I don't want this to split us up - I can't do that to my DC. So if that's my decision I have no choice but to find a way to move on from this and start to rebuild things. Has anyone out there been in this situation? Any words of wisdom?

Thank you all for the messages. To try and answer some questions

• he was in the cab on his own chatting to the taxi driver about the weather etc
• it is out of character
• I don't go away often, in fact we do everything together (evenings and weekends)
• I have already told him to get an std check
• point taken about pre meditated. I will dig further
• I believe he couldn't perform. It happens when he drinks. However the intention was there so the damage is done nonetheless.
• I have left a message for my sister to call me so I can talk to someone in RL.
• am desperate to tell his mother - but that's just revenge and to humiliate him. She'd be disgusted with him.

I hate him (but love him) right now.

When my ex finally admitted he'd cheated, he said they got into bed and then couldn't perform (his excuse - he thought of me and then couldn't do it )

It was totally bollocks, which he did finally admit.

He's probably lying about not being able to perform - unless this is a usual factor of his sex life - is it?

So many cheaters when caught, do this drip drip thing, where they only admit to the things they think they have to, but more of it will probably come out over time.

But even if he isn't lying, it's a distraction. The fact that he got into bed with her and would have done it if he wasn't so drunk is irrelevant.

He intended to cheat on you and did - even if no actual PIV sex happened.

That's the starting point for the next stage.

You also need to do some digging. He "bumped into" his old work colleague, did he? How did that happen? Are you sure it wasn't arranged? Seems like an awfully convenient coincidence.

I would ask him to hand over his phone, email, Facebook and bank statements immediately for you to look at. Don't give him time to delete stuff. If he won't he's hiding more, don't accept any excuses.

If he complains about you not trusting him, let him know that he's acting exactly like cheats who are caught out do - he's sticking to the script word for word in fact (he bumped into her, they didn't actually have PIV sex), and that if he to have any chance of you ever trusting him on any level again he will do this for you.

Even if you do want the relationship to survive - perhaps especially if you want the relationship to survive, you need to ask him to leave so you can think about what to do next.

Most men are sorry when they get caught out (apart from the ones who are ready to leave anyway, that type tends to get angry).

But you have a pretty decent clue as to how he was feeling afterwards, as you have his first post-her conversation recorded! He was probably hungover, but did he sound distressed in the cab?

I'm so sorry. I tend to agree with all the more cynical views already expressed. He's minimising, it was probably premeditated, and I don't believe they didn't have sex.

I think you need time to absorb this.

Please keep posting. I wish I had MN back in the day, as I allowed myself to believe the biggest load of crap that came out of my now ex's cheating mouth.

Oh yes, and my ex regularly said that when he was in bed with OW, that 'nothing happened'. Pffft.

Unless you could check his phone and e-mails (which he can have deleted anyway) I am with Lweji on this one.

Hi op.
In this situation there's absolutely nothing anyone can say that's going to help you - how you react to this is purely down to your personality. I know someone who turned a blind eye to a 20 year long 'affair' & people who wouldn't be able to forgive a one night stand. Everyone has their own personal boundaries & what they can & cannot forgive, other opinions are meaningless really.
Personally - I'd never forgive him.

He's crying and hyperventilating because he got caught.

I'm sorry but you just happened to be away when he just happened to bump into an old colleague does sound unlikely.

OP, firstly... you need to eat and you need to sleep. I know it feels like you can't, but you have to try. You are in shock and your body is reacting to that. If you need to, go to the chemist and get something for shock/nerves, something to calm you.

You cannot make any decisions now. You just need to get through the next few days... one hour at a time...

But, can I ask what his reaction was to you when you asked him to get std checked?

How many times would he be put like this? My friends husband used to go out. Always came home @4am but then we found him on various websites. Think car parks and randoms. It wasn't consistent but once we put things together, the pattern came together.

There was premeditation. Hotel had to be paid by someone. Mid he couldn't perform because he was too drunk then there was all the stuff beforehand, including getting his dick out to see if he could perform. It's your life and your decision, but if it were me, I would need space to come to terms and to also see what else might emerge as he was caught out. I doubt he would have admitted it.

Exactly what sadsister said. If you do break up you didn't do this to your DCs, your husband did it. And he needs to do the work to repair the damage his actions have caused.

I wouldn't believe his story either and would assume much more, either a full on affair or a habit of ONSs.

And what if his phone hadn't accidentally called your phone? What would he have said when he got home if you had no suspicion of wrong doing?

Isthismylife: when I asked him to get std check he said he would if it helped win my trust back.

I agree he was crying and hyperventilating because he got caught.

send the lying toad back to his mother...no need for you to tell her, I am sure she will ponder why and reach her own conclusions

If you take him back without any consequences ...other than his few tears he WILL do this again.
And really, bless his tiny pea brain...he really really expects you to believe this was the first, the one and only time and all accidental.

Just think back, you are making plans away with your child and he's rubbing his hands with glee at having a free pass to go work his magic on his old flame! What a charming piece of work he is.

This is all very new, you don't need to make any decisions as yet.

I think the chances this is the first time are less than 50%.

In your position, I'd sit him down, refuse to be drawn into a row, and say very calmly that you want him to move out, possibly temporarily, and to do it today. Is his mum local
?

After this, I'd say this is his one, solitary chance to tell you everything you need to know. If he later turns out to have lied, I would definitely be done and he should be prepared for that.

Also, if it is the first time, and the only time you've gone away this has happened..well. That's not good because it implies premeditation, even if subconscious.

I'm sorry you're going through this op, nobody who has experienced similar would wish it on anyone. As someone else said, I wish I had had mn years ago, to advise me and give support. When it happened to me I believed all the lies, which I'm sorry to say, were similar to the story you've been told. I'm sorry but I think all the tears, panic and remorse are because he knows he may lose his 'have his cake and eat it' life. Try to stay calm and get through the days. More details may yet unfold.

I agree with fluffy
"if you’re already saying you don’t want to split up, then surely he knows he’s already gotten away with it? You don’t want to split, so whatever effort (lots of little) he puts into making you feel better.. he knows that you won’t split up with him, so it’s validating his actions"

If you've decided not to split already, you are committing to forgiving him whether he makes amends or not. You don't have to forgive him or stay, you know. You should be considering all your options so you can at least make an empowered decision.

I also agree with PPs who say he is probably lying and minimising. If I were you I would look through his personal and work phone and email. Preferably without him knowing but if you need him to give you access (because of passwords etc) tell him face to face and to show you on the spot, so he doesn't have time to cover his tracks.

If he has an iPhone you can check location history too.

Well he better book that test asap.

I agree with others, it is possible he is telling the truth... but its possible that he isn't. We don't know him OP, you do though. After 21 years of marriage you could pretty much say you know someone. ( this from experience as its the length of time I was married) So, apart from the crying, hyperventilating, basically the 'caught out' tactic... is there anything else that just doesn't seem right lately? Small things that didn't seem right at the time, that you brushed off as odd, but thought no more of it...

I know people lie and try to get away with untruths. But you say its out of character.. just wondering if anything else is?

This is what I found OP. I just 'knew' something wasn't right. I didn't find out straight away like you did, in one way that's a good thing...as for a long time I thought I was really going mad, lots of little things just didn't make sense.

Keep posting, you need to get this out, I wouldn't approach his mother just yet... I think she may well work out for herself what has happened in time.

What are the chances that his phone would accidentally call yours the ONE time it highlighted his unfaithful behaviour the ONE time he bumped into an ex colleague and he decided to disregard his marriage for a quick shag?

I mean in the 14 years of marriage to my dh, his phone has called mine about two or three times. Your dh is either exceptionally unlucky or he is a serial cheat and he got caught this one time.

• accidentally - called mine

I'm sorry OP, I agree with Kondos

The same thing happened to my friend, but he actually managed to call her whilst in the act. She believed that it was a one off . . only to find out that he had been cheating for almost a year.

Obviously that doesn't mean it's the case for everyone, but I would be very very cautious.

Sending you hugs OP, I can't imagine how you must be feeling xxxx

I want to know what his reaction would be if you were caught having a one night stand? What do you think? My decision will nearly totally depend on this answer. also, don't you want to know what would have happened had he not been caught the next day? Is there a chance he would have gone to her again? I think it's likely but You really need to sit down and analyse this.
I totally agree with telling his mother and your sister. He has put your home on the edge of total disaster. Deserves this much.

Op I agree with Kondos post above. What he's said is far fetched. I'd assume that this wasn't the first time and I'd also assume he had sex with her. He's only crying because he got caught. His illicit affair isn't so fun and secret anymore, he's had to face reality, poor lamb. Cheaters deny as much as they can get away with and only admit to what they can't lie their way out of.