DH had 1 night stand - I'm struggling to get over it

[xyzabc123987]

I'm a regular poster but have NC for this. We've been married for 21 years, have 3 DC (youngest age 10), no money worries, "perfect" life...except last week DH got drunk and bumped into an old work colleague. They ended up in bed together - he says they didn't have sex as he was too drunk to perform. I found out. He has spent the weekend apologising, crying, saying we (the family) are his life, that we have grown up together, that he's an idiot and he can't believe he's done this.

I'm a bit of a mess (can't sleep, crying, no appetite). I thought I could trust him. I love him with all my heart but it's fractured now. How do I get it to heal? How do I forgive him? I don't want this to split us up - I can't do that to my DC. So if that's my decision I have no choice but to find a way to move on from this and start to rebuild things. Has anyone out there been in this situation? Any words of wisdom?

Hi everyone. Thank you for still thinking of me! We are on the long road to recovery. We are talking, talking, talking. He's not on social media (neither am I), I have access to his work phone (only phone), diary, bank account....he texts me his whereabouts (I'm at xxx train station will be home by yyy) etc. He is full of remorse, told me he will do anything to put this wrong right. He knows this will take time but we are both prepared to work at it...we are turning the page and have made a pledge to make more time for us, and try and emerge from the whirlwind of child rearing so life feels less functional (I haven't put that very well). I don't think there is a "reason" this happened - he doesn't go out and get drunk, he comes home to his family, and I think with me being away he went out on a Friday night with some workmates...and got completely tanked up. This is out of character - I know this man better than anyone. He has history of "non performance" after drinking...so that bit I do believe!! However, I'm taking no chances and STD checks are being done.

This is NOT being swept under the carpet, and I am NOT being a doormat. He has a lot of work to do but is doing everything he can at this early stage to try and rebuild the trust we had for 27 yrs (21 married). He realises he could have jeopardised EVERYTHING...and completely takes responsibility for the hurt and pain he has caused. I have explained this will take A LONG time to recover from and I don't know when or how it will end, but we both want to try for "the happy ending". Early days...we are taking each day one at a time.

Good for you, xyz

xyz you go, sister! Sounds like you've got your head screwed on and you're going into this with your eyes open. Bloody good for you. All the very best to you and your DH.

Xyz

I hope your be able to get back to a good trusting realtionship, if this is what you want.

Good luck

I hope it works out for you xxxxxxxxxxxx

I hope this all works out. Good luck. Take each day as it comes. Wish you all the best x

Lots of good wishes to you .

Thanks for updating.

Well done OP, best wishes for the future

Been following this since the start and really felt your broken heart through the type. But I've never been through it so didn't feel able to give advice.

Really hope it all works out for you OP and wishing you the best for the future.

I lost all trust in my dh after an issue. It took over a year for things to get back on the rails but even now I am always questioning him and telling him he has to be honest with me. It took a lot of time of spending time together and working on him realising he couldn't close me out. We're still together and stronger.

OP. Watch the Esther Perel ted talk on infidelity. It will help you.

This is your life, your marriage. You do whatever you need/ want to do. It's very easy (even though every poster here means well) for strangers to give advice when it doesn't impact is.

Best of luck

I don't think there is a "reason" this happened - he doesn't go out and get drunk, he comes home to his family, and I think with me being away he went out on a Friday night with some workmates...and got completely tanked up.
There had to be a reason though. Married men go out with mates and end up drunk all the time but they don't find themselves in bed with someone. However drunk you are, the move between talking with an old colleague and finding yourself in bed ALL night with them is a massive one.

If I ever found out that my OH had found himself in bed with a women following him going out with the boys and getting drunk, I certainly wouldn't ask for a divorce, but I also wouldn't think that it was just 'something that happened' that was bound to be a one off. However much he would want to make me believe that it was, I would need to know what was going through his mind that would have prevented him for telling himself no, no matter how drunk he was.

I would be highly suspicious that there could be some issues behind him ending up cheating (or intending to) and would want to tackle them to be reassured that it was unlikely to happen again. Otherwise, I would always wonder, because after all, how likely he is to never ever be drunk again without you, and therefore certain that it could never happen again?