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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Make up on his t-shirt

140 replies

NoCapes · 13/03/2016 19:57

Me & DP have been having a lot of issues since DC3 (4 months) was born, I thought it was all fairly usual - both tired and a bit stressed, no time for each other, he felt a bit pushed out by the baby, no sex life because I couldn't physically bare to be touched any more once I got baby to bed etc
Just a bit of a rough patch that would resolve itself, I thought

In the last few weeks DP has been distancing himself from me in a more physical sense by sleeping on the couch and going out most nights at weekends once the kids are in bed

Last night he went out and I heard him come home around 3, pretty normal, then he slept on the couch, again normal

When we got up this morning he had a big patch of make up on his t-shirt

I didn't say much as all the kids were running around but made him aware that I'd seen it, then when we were alone I asked him if he was going to explain it
He said he'd been to a strip club, said he hadn't had a lap dance but the girls come over and chat/touch and flirt trying to sell them a dance basically. I asked him if he thought that was acceptable and he said he gets no kind of affection or attention at home and it gave him an ego boost and made him feel good for a while

I don't know whether I believe his story and I don't know if it matters tbh
I thought our problems were fixable but I just don't know if I can forgive this
I feel like I've been punched in the stomach and I don't know what to do now
I don't want to tell anyone in real life so just putting it here

OP posts:
Original poster
NoCapes · 13/03/2016 20:18

Shameless bump

I've put it to the back of my mind all day but now all kids are asleep I'm sat in our bedroom on my own having a cry
I just feel sick

Could do with a virtual hand hold

OP posts:
outtheothersidefinally · 13/03/2016 20:22

What a shock! Have a good cry, virtual hh to you.

horseygeorgie · 13/03/2016 20:23

Aww honey, selfish bastard syndrome. Of course you are tired, you have a 4 month old DC. That is no excuse to rub a stripper all over his t-shirt. How dare he!?

MiaFarrowsWheelbarrow · 13/03/2016 20:23

No advice to give you but you aren't alone Flowers (hand hold until someone else can come along to help)

horseygeorgie · 13/03/2016 20:24

I'm sure someone more useful will be along soon, just wanted to say (((hugs)))

Goingtobeawesome · 13/03/2016 20:24

What do you want to do now you find you're with a man toddler ? No offence to more mature toddlers.

Rubberbandits · 13/03/2016 20:25

Golly, Nocapes, he sounds like a prince.
You need support and understanding with such a small baby. A lot of mothers with a 4 month old baby wouldn't be up for sex either.
Do you believe him? Do you think you can get over this?
Could you ask him to leave for a few days or more and give you the headspace to think it through?

BolshierAryaStark · 13/03/2016 20:27

I wouldn't believe that tbh, though even if it's true it isn't acceptable.
You have 3 Dc, one at 4 months & he's whining about not getting affection from you & getting ego boosts from elsewhere? Wtaf? How much does he help out?
Tbh, he sounds pathetic & like he needs a kick up the arse-perhaps you should give it to him.
I'd ask him to give you space to think through if he is the type of Man you want to be with.

Ouriana · 13/03/2016 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Buzzardbird · 13/03/2016 20:30

You need to tell him that he is looking after the children on Friday as you need to rub a man all over your clothing to make you feel better.

goddessofsmallthings · 13/03/2016 20:30

What proof does he have that he went to a strip club? Did he use a credit card to pay? These places aren't cheap. Does he have the werewithal to frequent them and does he go with mates, or is he a lone punter?

How long have you been together and is your 4mo ds his first child?

Original poster
NoCapes · 13/03/2016 20:31

no offense to more mature toddlers made me Grin

I don't know if I do believe him, I have never been to a strip club so don't know what happens but do they really get that close that they would leave make up on you? Even when you haven't paid for a dance?? Sounds unlikely to me
I didn't think I had a massive problem with strip clubs (but then he's never admitted to going to one before) and I think in my head they're very different places than they really are

I really don't know what to do

No he hasn't apologised actually - that hadn't even registered until you just asked

OP posts:
CiaoVerona · 13/03/2016 20:34

Gosh, he sounds pretty selfish am a bit shocked he thinks going to the local strip club is acceptable whilst you're at home looking after 3 kids.

He doesn't seem to want to take much responsibility thus far have you any idea what you'd like to happen going forward.

Original poster
NoCapes · 13/03/2016 20:34

goddess we have a joint bank account and I'm presuming he took our debit card, hadn't even thought to check but i will look at the online statementy thing now
We don't really have the money to be throwing at naked women no
He said he went with 2 of his friends after the boxing had finished - conveniently 2 that I don't really know/have never really spoken to
We've been together for 8 years, and no all of my DC are also his

OP posts:
mumsonthelash · 13/03/2016 20:34

What an arse. Indeed. He thinks he's entitled to do as he pleases because you'll always be there as a baby sitter for HIS kids. What if it were you going out and sleeping on the couch?
Makeup on t shirt could be a lap dance, an escort or another woman which of course he is entitled to as you're so tired. What a selfish ignorant man.
He is taking the piss.
All the avoidance is telling you he's up to no good. He is making sure his needs get met at your expense.
I feel so sorry that you have to deal with this as he obviously thinks he's done nothing wrong.

FellOutOfBedTwice · 13/03/2016 20:36

All the rest of it aside I would be fucked if I tolerated DH going out each night of the weekend til three in the morning and I've only got one child. Where's the supportiveness and the "we're in this together"? I would be absolutely LTB over this issue alone, quite aside from any potential infidelity/lap dancing bollocks.

StickyToffeePuddingAndCustard · 13/03/2016 20:36

Call me old-fashioned but I'm finding it hard to understand the situation where any parent with 3 children, including a 4 month old, is going out most nights at weekends and getting in at 3am, could on any level be thought of as 'normal'.

He sounds awful.

ProfessorPickles · 13/03/2016 20:37

What a dick OP, such a selfish thing to do.

I never understand why people think going to a strip club is fine. If any other woman rubbed her naked body against him all hell would break lose, but if he goes out of his way to get a stripper to do it it's not much of an issue in comparison. Odd! Kind of irrelevant, but still if it were me I'd be telling him to do one.
What sort of a man leaves his partner with a young baby to go look at naked or barely dressed women then sulks he isn't getting attention?

How dare you not have sex with him, of course he had to go get a stripper to turn him on!

VimFuego101 · 13/03/2016 20:38

I have never been to a strip club so don't know what happens but do they really get that close that they would leave make up on you? Even when you haven't paid for a dance?? Sounds unlikely to me

Without him having had a private dance this sounds unlikely to me too. Can you check to see if he withdrew a large sum of cash before he went there?

mumsonthelash · 13/03/2016 20:39

I wouldn't be believing a word he says.

Original poster
NoCapes · 13/03/2016 20:41

StickyToffee I didn't mean actually normal, I know that this situation is far from normal, I just meant normal for us at the moment (however sad that is)

I've checked and yes he withdrew £100 last night - one hundred fucking pounds no it's fine it's not like we've got fucking kids to feed! Let's throw £100 at a pair of fucking tits!!!

OP posts:
StickyToffeePuddingAndCustard · 13/03/2016 20:42

I am sorry that's your normal OP, it sounds dreadful Flowers

mumsonthelash · 13/03/2016 20:43

Check the bank account for ATM cash amounts or credit cards. but I'm not sure id believe him re the lap dancer as he's usually out late.

ProfessorPickles · 13/03/2016 20:44

I can't think of much more disrespectful than what he did OP

mumsonthelash · 13/03/2016 20:45

That's a lot of money. What time was this? Was for drinks as well? If not then id assume it was more than just a dance.