Make up on his t-shirt

[NoCapes]

Me & DP have been having a lot of issues since DC3 (4 months) was born, I thought it was all fairly usual - both tired and a bit stressed, no time for each other, he felt a bit pushed out by the baby, no sex life because I couldn't physically bare to be touched any more once I got baby to bed etc
Just a bit of a rough patch that would resolve itself, I thought

In the last few weeks DP has been distancing himself from me in a more physical sense by sleeping on the couch and going out most nights at weekends once the kids are in bed

Last night he went out and I heard him come home around 3, pretty normal, then he slept on the couch, again normal

When we got up this morning he had a big patch of make up on his t-shirt

I didn't say much as all the kids were running around but made him aware that I'd seen it, then when we were alone I asked him if he was going to explain it
He said he'd been to a strip club, said he hadn't had a lap dance but the girls come over and chat/touch and flirt trying to sell them a dance basically. I asked him if he thought that was acceptable and he said he gets no kind of affection or attention at home and it gave him an ego boost and made him feel good for a while

I don't know whether I believe his story and I don't know if it matters tbh
I thought our problems were fixable but I just don't know if I can forgive this
I feel like I've been punched in the stomach and I don't know what to do now
I don't want to tell anyone in real life so just putting it here

I agree with Manhattan, but I suspect the door is the easy option for him. He is not going to suddenly become responsible overnight - otherwise he would not have behaved like this in the first place.

If my husband went to a strip club I would divorce him

No questions asked.

£100 cash and he wasn't drinking, he was driving, and with that 'explanation' he gave about basically you haven't shagged him enough - he has been to a prostitute, for sure. Sorry OP what a cunt.

OP

Nothing new to add but agree wholeheartedly with WishToBeWell

Completely likely that fake tan would be on his t-shirt if he'd been in a strip club. Dancers do sit next to/on laps (as it's allowed in some clubs). Fake tan is everywhere (in terms of, you can rub up against a wall and come away with tan on you). "Stripper tan" can look very much like foundation and would be entirely plausible to be on the middle of his t-shirt etc with very little actual contact.

I'm sorry you're going through this

He's lying! No physical contact is made by strippers at lap dancing clubs. I know this cos my mate worked as one.

sparkle it's entirely plausible. No contact in dances, but for the most part, dancers will sit very close to/pushed up next to a customer beforehand.

More likely to be a prostitute I am afraid :(

As sparkles said, there is a strict no contact policy at lap dancing clubs. A ex colleague of H's used to manage one.

And if he is sexually frustrated, a lap dance from a woman he cant touch is only going to make matters worse surely?

I think that he is minimising and the £100 was handed over to a sex worker for services rendered.

Firstly hugs.
What sort of man leaves his partner and 3 children to go to a lap dancing bar? It's not really acceptable behaviour.

Your partner doesn't like the lack of sex, but you only had a baby 4 months ago so I think it's understandable if your not up for that yet. How much does he help out with the children? Maybe if he helped more and gave you a rest from time to time you would be more interested in sex.

He withdrew £100 from the joint account, money you say you can't afford to lose. Did he talk to you about how much money before his night out? What father does that when he has 3 children to feed? I would certainly be asking why he withdrew £100 when he doesn't drink, I'd want to know what he spend it on?

Can you see the location of the cash point on your bank statement? Are there any lap dance clubs near by?

I am probably being young and naive but can lap dancing classes actually sell sex? Or is it only lap dances and things? The make up could be on his shirt just from a lap dance in some clubs they get very close one of my friends going to one often his poor wife and he says if he poked his tongue out he'd be able to lick certain areas.

if you suspect his cheated at any point please go for a std check up.

Long while since i went to such a place, a mates stag do IIRC but a long time ago. Yep, the dancers do sit on your lap and throw their arms around you and sure try to wheedle a few quid out of the blokes but I somehow don't think he'd have gone further. You can easily spend a ton on a night out these days. I reckon It'd be best to try to to talk to him quietly, and not start a row, and tell him that you understand that he's not been getting any but the reason is because of how you feel now and can he try to understand its not always going the be that way and that you have been upset by his behavior.

If he is anything of a decent bloke he should say sorry and ask if you can work it out between you else it seems its divorce and all the grief that can bring.

Are we on about not having contact in the club, or when having a private dance?
A man I know claims to have had plenty of contact with a stripper during a private dance. From what I remember him saying he didn't touch her but she did something sexual (and disgusting) to him

If we wasn't drinking what else do you think he might have spent £100 on Justaboy?

Why are we all talking about the kind of sex worker that may/may not leave make up on a tshirt ?

Fucking listen to yourselves

This is about him

Thank you all for your input I am reading it all and trying to take it all in
Lots of conflicting ideas of what goes on at strip clubs, maybe each individual one has its own policy?
I'm not sure how much the details really matter at this point

I know I need to speak to him about the money, see what he says he spent it on, but I'd probably just cry tonight

So I'm pawing through the bank statements to see what I can see
I think once you get to snooping through bank statements/phones/sat navs then your relationship is already dead though really isn't it?

We definitely have got off track OP, what does/doesn't go on at strip clubs is irrelevant.

What sort of support do you have in RL, OP? Do you have anyone you can talk to?

I'm sorry that he's putting you through this

OP, I'm glad you're seeing things reasonably clearly.

Based on why he's told you, you have no future with him. Forget the details of precisely where he spent the family's money on exploiting a half naked woman.

Pack his bag. Decent blokes don't do this.

I actually think he's probably telling the truth and while I think he shouldn't have done it and should be mature enough to understand that with a 4 month old you're not going to be that interested in sex I do think you should have talked to him about the situation (him sleeping on the sofa/going out) before now.

His behaviour to me sounds like he's been trying to show you how unhappy and isolated he's feeling by slowly creating physically visible space between you (moving to the sofa, then going out at night, finally going to a strip club)
You've said you knew he was unhappy but did you speak to him about it? You've said you didn't want to be touched, does this include any form of affection? In other words if he tried to hug you or kiss you were you pulling away? What did you do when he moved to the sofa? Did you tell him that it made you sad that he was going out in the evening instead of spending time with you? Or were you relieved that he was out of your hair?

Please understand that I'm not justifying his behaviour I'm just saying that it sounds like you both need to communicate with each other a little more and understand each other better so you can regain the emotional closeness you seem to have lost and hopefully that will result in both of you being happier with your situation and relationship before it's too late.

Right, I'm going to run and hide behind this sofa

I think once the snooping starts the trust has gone, I'm not sure if you could get the trust back.
When the children are out the way, sit down and talk to him about it all ask him outright if he had sex with somebody from the strip club you can normally tell when somebody is lying from the way they react. Talk about the money he withdrew.
Once you've had that chat give yourself some time to take it all in and decide if you see a future together.

Only wanky, inadequate blokes go to strip clubs

ProfessorPickles I took some people out to a club, just a night club just before Xmas last, a round of drinks set me back 58 sodding quid!!.

Course we don't know that the 100 was spent all in the one place he might have bought some petrol etc might have paid taxi fares,, and they're not cheap nowadays, we just don't quite know but its no problem to get rid of cash on a night out these days!.

I think once you get to snooping through bank statements/phones/sat navs then your relationship is already dead though really isn't it?

Well its not in a good place was their more than this that's happened or was this just a one off can you or do you want to say?.

Runner that's just it, we actually sat down and had a conversation on Thursday night about how shit things have been, then he still did this yesterday
His move to the couch was gradual, more of him falling asleep watching films and things, it had been mentioned yes and I'd asked a few times whether he was coming to bed tonight but he just said he was never tired when I was then he'd "crash out" on the couch
I would never turn him away from a hug or a kiss no, but he never tried. Atall. he stopped touching me not the other way round
We argued talked a lot about him going out, but he always said once I was already in bed what did it matter?

We do have issues with communication though you're right

I just wasn't aware we had issues with infidelity

If he went to a to watch a Boxing match first, that could be £50 for a ringside seat. But inexcusable to go to a strip club, when you are at home looking after your baby.

We argued talked a lot about him going out, but he always said once I was already in bed what did it matter?

This is so sad. Of course it matters! You don't get to piss off whenever you like, like some sort of bat. What's the point of being together?!

Fair enough then OP in that case it sounds like he doesn't have a leg to stand on in the "it's your fault for not giving me enough attention/caring" front and you need to decide in all seriousness if you can deal with his shit.

I do still think he probably was at a strip club. As in some places the strippers can be quite huggy, particularly if they think you have money. But if there are deeper problems that you've already tried to resolve then his behaviour would seem to suggest a attitude of indifference towards you and your feelings at the very least and maybe you should be asking if he even wants to be with you anymore.

Sorry you're going though this