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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Make up on his t-shirt

140 replies

NoCapes · 13/03/2016 19:57

Me & DP have been having a lot of issues since DC3 (4 months) was born, I thought it was all fairly usual - both tired and a bit stressed, no time for each other, he felt a bit pushed out by the baby, no sex life because I couldn't physically bare to be touched any more once I got baby to bed etc
Just a bit of a rough patch that would resolve itself, I thought

In the last few weeks DP has been distancing himself from me in a more physical sense by sleeping on the couch and going out most nights at weekends once the kids are in bed

Last night he went out and I heard him come home around 3, pretty normal, then he slept on the couch, again normal

When we got up this morning he had a big patch of make up on his t-shirt

I didn't say much as all the kids were running around but made him aware that I'd seen it, then when we were alone I asked him if he was going to explain it
He said he'd been to a strip club, said he hadn't had a lap dance but the girls come over and chat/touch and flirt trying to sell them a dance basically. I asked him if he thought that was acceptable and he said he gets no kind of affection or attention at home and it gave him an ego boost and made him feel good for a while

I don't know whether I believe his story and I don't know if it matters tbh
I thought our problems were fixable but I just don't know if I can forgive this
I feel like I've been punched in the stomach and I don't know what to do now
I don't want to tell anyone in real life so just putting it here

OP posts:
ridemesideways · 13/03/2016 21:53

Is he trying to make you break up with him?

Original poster
NoCapes · 13/03/2016 21:55

rideme it did cross my mind that that's what was happening
It certainly reads that way doesn't it?

OP posts:
MeadowHay · 13/03/2016 21:57

Hey OP, I have nothing useful to add but I didn't want to read and run. No offence but he is acting truly awful, displaying a huge lack of respect for you and his children. If DH acted like that he would be out! And it is not so much the fact that he may have gone to a strip club once that would be the biggest issue for me (as much as I would find that upsetting and gross and an awful disrespect of women), it would be thinking it was acceptable to frequently go out all night and leave me at home with three kids and then have the temerity to moan about a lack of sex or whatever. Frankly deplorable behaviour!

Anyway, I wish you all the strength in getting through this difficult time. Remember you don't deserve any of this awful behaviour or his, and you have no obligation to put up with it. Flowers

ridemesideways · 13/03/2016 21:59

Seems a particularly spineless way to go about it. He then gets to tell everyone and the DC that you ended it, not him! Hmm

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 13/03/2016 22:03

His behaviour to me sounds like he's been trying to show you how unhappy and isolated he's feeling by slowly creating physically visible space between you (moving to the sofa, then going out at night, finally going to a strip club

Oh dear God. I know you mean well, and you're trying to help, but my heart just sinks when I read this stuff.

What fucking excuse for a partner and father of three shows his 'isolation' by going to a bloody strip club?

This is not the OP's fault. She could sleep on the fucking roof and the father of her children should STILL not be shoving tenners into a stripper's bra.

How many women show their 'isolation' and unhappiness by leaving their kids to spend £100 on stripper shoving his sweaty groin in their face at 3 in the morning?

Kick him out.

haveacupoftea · 13/03/2016 22:22

I'm not normally a LTB type. But he's a selfish piece of shit. Kick him out and don't let him back unless he shows a huge personality change and commits to it. How dare he do this to you?!

Runner05 · 13/03/2016 22:36

First I was trying to analyse and understand his reasoning not absolve him and I didn't say his reasons wren't immature (I did point this out).

The OP has responded to my comment and answered my questions and quite frankly given her response I now agree that he's a grade a pillock and she'd probably be better off without him.

Runner05 · 13/03/2016 22:38

Argh!

*His reasons weren't just and he was immature... Damn phone! Wink

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 13/03/2016 22:50

Runner

I used part of your post to illustrate a point but in fairness, there were much clearer examples upthread of making excuses for/absolving this man.

I also understand you were reasoning it out, rather than making a case for him.

We're agreed he should be looking for a new place to live anyway. Wink

PickledCauliflower · 13/03/2016 23:11

I think I've heard this before on here (or very similar)..
The excuse of: I have only had contact with a woman via a strip club.

Not that strip clubs are OK places to visit, but it's almost like - oh it's ok, no intimacy just a strip club.

I would think it unlikely to be honest. Especially if he is sleeping on the sofa, etc - there may be an OW on the scene.
Either way he sounds like a total arse. If you think that he's can change / worth keeping I would read him the riot act - or get rid.

Original poster
NoCapes · 13/03/2016 23:25

Oh God I just feel so sad about the whole situation

Don't suppose I'll get much sleep tonight now, my head is spinning

OP posts:
ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 13/03/2016 23:41

A strip club eh, that old chestnut. Heard it many times on here. Sorry, but unless there was proof. Going by the withdrawing affection, sleeping on the couch, going out every weekend. I'd be assuming it's another woman he's spending it on or an escort . That amount of money doesn't get spent when you aren't drinking and not getting lapdances.

What a dick! This is suppose to be the happiest time, you have just had a newborn baby and should be making lots of lovely memories together of the first early month's, marvelling at new things being done and he's out disrespecting you and spending family money that should be spent on the kids! and he hasn't even apologised! You deserve better.

ProfessorPickles · 13/03/2016 23:43

I can only imagine, OP. It is an awful situation to be in.

I hope he will give you some space and that he will be on the settee again tonight!

Fratelli · 14/03/2016 06:50

I hope you managed to get some sleep op Flowers

WTAFF · 14/03/2016 07:04

OP this is just awful. I would be seriously unimpressed at his behaviour and I think the strip club thing might be the final straw.

I don't want to sound harsh but he isn't really demonstrating that he cares about you.

Hope you're ok. Flowers

Original poster
NoCapes · 14/03/2016 09:45

It took me ages to fall asleep last night so in the wee hours I sent him a text just telling him that I was absolutely gutted by his behaviour and really didn't know whether I can forgive it, and that him not even being sorry was just as hurtful if not more so than what he actually did.
He got the text when he woke up this morning and came upstairs, he put his arms around me and apologised for being a dick (his words) and asked if we could talk properly tonight

So I have today to organise my thoughts and figure out what the hell im even going to say to him
I don't even know if I want to know the whole truth or not

OP posts:
Pinkheart5915 · 14/03/2016 09:55

I hope you are ok today.

You both being willing to sit down tonight and talk is a good start.

Communication is what keeps a relationship going. You need to talk about everything lack of sex, him spending money on nights out when you have 3 children. You need to know the truth about this lap dancing bar so you can decide if you see a future. The thing is going to lap dance bar and making make up on his shirt does not make him a cheat. It was a selfish things to do leaving you home with the children while he done this but doesn't prove his a cheat.

Justaboy · 14/03/2016 10:35

he put his arms around me and apologised for being a dick (his words) and asked if we could talk properly tonight

That's good, do just that and you might save your marriage. It might improve it if you can sort all the other things that re causing grief let alone this event!

Best of luck!

Original poster
NoCapes · 14/03/2016 10:54

Thank you both
I guess I'll just have to wait and see what's said now won't I - and try to stop obsessing over it for the rest of the day Blush
Argh this is shit

OP posts:
Pinkheart5915 · 14/03/2016 10:58

Could you go out for a walk or do some shopping to take your mind off tonight?

I hope all goes well this evening for you

Original poster
NoCapes · 14/03/2016 11:00

Ha PinkHeart you read my mind, I'm going to take the dog and the baby for a walk and then I'm nipping to Smyths (it's DD's birthday this weekend) then it'll be school pick up time and I absolutely don't have time to think after that

OP posts:
BlueEyesAndDarkChocolate · 14/03/2016 13:12

If he is sexually frustrated, how on earth would visiting a strip club help? It would make him a hundred times more frustrated! He has all this pent up sexual energy, then spends a night ogling naked women (private dance or not), so then presumably would come home wound up like a bloody spring?! Unless of course, there was some outlet?

Anyway, that aside, it's completely unacceptable behaviour. Me and my DH do not have kids together (I do from previous marriage), and if he visited a strip club, we would be OVER. And that's without the added insult of me being at home, looking after HIS kids. When we took our vows - forsaking all others - to me, that precludes him from going to a club with the express intent of looking at other women's tits and fannies. If I am not enough for him, then he can fuck off and live the rest of his days in a strip club.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 14/03/2016 13:26

he put his arms around me and apologised for being a dick (his words) and asked if we could talk properly tonight

I wouldn't agree. I'd insist on him leaving while you decide for yourself what is actually acceptable in your relationship and what isn't.

Your children - and you - deserve better than this kind of pathetic behaviour.

Before you let him sweet talk you, remember that your current 'normal' is off the fucking scale, no negotiable, divorce behaviour for many others. Readjust what 'normal' is for you before you discuss with him how the future is looking.

I'm so sorry for you OP, but I would have serious fucking issues about a bloke who loves chucking his family's money around in strip clubs bringing up my children.

Pinkheart5915 · 14/03/2016 13:39

They do need to sit down and discuss things and have a good chat about the relationship then the op can decide what she wishes to do. If she wants him to leave for a few days, he sleeps on the sofa and they work things over.
I agree spending money in a lap dancing bar when 3 children need feeding is incredibly stupid.
He went to a lap dancing bar saw a pair of boobs, it isn't the crime of the century. I would not end my marriage if my husband went to a lap dancing bar. I have always been relaxed in our marriage and I trust him completely.

nocapes I hope you was able to clear your head on your walk and shopping trip.
Best of luck for tonight.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 14/03/2016 13:47

He went to a lap dancing bar saw a pair of boobs, it isn't the crime of the century

It's hardly about him seeing a pair of boobs.

It's about the wholesale, unadultered lack of respect for his partner who is at home with a new baby and two other children.

It's about the fact that he blamed the OP for not 'being affectionate' enough.

It's about thinking that women are there to be ogled and treated as objects, and spending the family money on doing it.

It's about coming home at 3.00 .am. being 'normal.'

It's about the man's utter contempt for the basics of respect and trust that need to thrive in a relationship.

I wouldn't let this man over the fucking threshold, never mind entrust my children's upbringing to him.