Make up on his t-shirt

[NoCapes]

Me & DP have been having a lot of issues since DC3 (4 months) was born, I thought it was all fairly usual - both tired and a bit stressed, no time for each other, he felt a bit pushed out by the baby, no sex life because I couldn't physically bare to be touched any more once I got baby to bed etc
Just a bit of a rough patch that would resolve itself, I thought

In the last few weeks DP has been distancing himself from me in a more physical sense by sleeping on the couch and going out most nights at weekends once the kids are in bed

Last night he went out and I heard him come home around 3, pretty normal, then he slept on the couch, again normal

When we got up this morning he had a big patch of make up on his t-shirt

I didn't say much as all the kids were running around but made him aware that I'd seen it, then when we were alone I asked him if he was going to explain it
He said he'd been to a strip club, said he hadn't had a lap dance but the girls come over and chat/touch and flirt trying to sell them a dance basically. I asked him if he thought that was acceptable and he said he gets no kind of affection or attention at home and it gave him an ego boost and made him feel good for a while

I don't know whether I believe his story and I don't know if it matters tbh
I thought our problems were fixable but I just don't know if I can forgive this
I feel like I've been punched in the stomach and I don't know what to do now
I don't want to tell anyone in real life so just putting it here

I do understand where you are coming from.
I did question what sort of man goes to lap dancing bar and leaves his partner with 3 children in my earlier post. I don't think it was acceptable behoviour I said this too.
I also think the spending of family Money was stupid I also said this.
And in no way am I saying I think the way he said he done it because of lack of affection in the realtionship was ok, because it wasn't.

He has been stupid and not behaved right, and shouldn't be left off easy.

My point was that they have had issues in there realtionship for a while and this is now a chance to sit down have an honest chat and get everything out in the open. It's the op chance to tell him how she feels about everything, work out between them if the can save the realtionship

Pink...you implied that anyone who objected to a family manus in strip clubs was not "relaxed" in their marriage

I am completely relaxed. I have my deal breakers. This is one of them. Nothing more "relaxing" than that.

• man using

Well I didn't mean too I said I had always been relaxed in my marriage. I'm sorry if it sounded like I meant anyone that dis agreed with with lap dancing clubs was not relaxed. This was not my intention.
Of course we all have deal breakers, it's each woman to her own.

Pink

I know I quoted part of your post, but my rant was general, not aimed at you.

Men like this make me sick. Absolute deal breaker for me too.

Aww I feel for you OP
Hopefully the chat will go well but until then I would have said he was trying to get you to break up with him , that way he can turn and be the injured party " she broke up with me" " you ended us" etc. You need to stand firm and be clear with him on what you want and bloody well deserve !! Best of luck xxx

He put his arms around me and apologised for being a dick.

Oh that's ok then?!! Deal breaker for me too, he'd be straight out the door.

Oh dear the types of responses I anticipated have started

I never said all was ok now he's apologised did I?

It's very easy to type LTB on a forum but this is my real life and it goes way beyond one night in a strip club
I'm not going to make any big decisions without even speaking to him am I? We have 3 children together, a house, an entire life together - I can't make decisions about that without even discussing it with him

I know strip clubs are an emotive subject and I know just the mere thought of one is a deal breaker for some, but I need more information before I can decide if it is for me

I appreciate all of your input I really do, but the judging and mocking is so unhelpful you may aswell not post at all

Nobody is mocking you.

I think it is very clear that one hug is not going to make this ok.

I have no idea who is judging and mocking. I just don't see that.

Anyhow, I won't add any more. I was trying to help - hope you can resolve this OP.

Tbh it was probably just choceclairs post that I felt was mocking the situation

Apologies if I've taken it the wrong way but this is all very embarrassing and obviously I'm feeling quite fragile and probably over sensitive at the moment

I don't think you've anything to be sorry about capes its a crap situation you find yourself in. Be kind to yourself.

No need to apologise, love. We all want to help. Sometimes meanings can come across differently in text. Keep posting even if some things are difficult to hear.

It's not the strip club thing that I would take exception to so much, it's his lack of respect and care for your feelings. If my H had taken £100 out of our account to just go drinking or whatever, without discussing it first, I'd be livid. You have a 4 month old baby and 2 older children, surely you're knackered and rushed off your feet? He should be helping you, and taking care of YOUR feelings, not checking out. Does he help with the kids? It sounds like he's being a shoddy partner and parent.

Please remember in your talk he will say this is his first and only time. You will be willingly hoodwinked. I've been there. He will have had all day to minimise and bullshit his story.
Still check previous bank records for large cash amounts.
Just so you know what you are dealing with. Otherwise you are being naïve.

LTB is very easy to type if it not your life, yes. I know. I have done it twice. But it is also easy sometimes to keep walking the same path even if it doesn't take you to a happy place.

It is all very raw, and you can't make overnight decisions. Nor should you. None of this is your fault. I think most of the posts expressing outrage at what 'normal' has become for you are because of precisely the fact that you do have a shared life with this man and three DC whose care you should also share, and he should care for you too.

I have LTB twice, I mean, not typed it twice!

Very sorry OP if my post came across in any way as mocking. It was certainly not intended that way. I know I don't know you but I'm fuming for you. It sounded (to me) from your post that your husband was not taking what he has done as seriously as he should

Thank you choc and I apologise again, I obviously took it wrong and just got defensive

How are you feeling today, op ?

Not great AF the talk really didn't go like I thought it would, I've got some decisions to make I think

That's shit Capes......

If you want to talk, someone will listen and advise. Put yourself and your children first.

I think she is putting herself and children first I don't see anything suggesting other wise.

I wasn't saying she wasn't.

I was Showing support.