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Original poster

Make up on his t-shirt

140 replies

NoCapes · 13/03/2016 19:57

Me & DP have been having a lot of issues since DC3 (4 months) was born, I thought it was all fairly usual - both tired and a bit stressed, no time for each other, he felt a bit pushed out by the baby, no sex life because I couldn't physically bare to be touched any more once I got baby to bed etc
Just a bit of a rough patch that would resolve itself, I thought

In the last few weeks DP has been distancing himself from me in a more physical sense by sleeping on the couch and going out most nights at weekends once the kids are in bed

Last night he went out and I heard him come home around 3, pretty normal, then he slept on the couch, again normal

When we got up this morning he had a big patch of make up on his t-shirt

I didn't say much as all the kids were running around but made him aware that I'd seen it, then when we were alone I asked him if he was going to explain it
He said he'd been to a strip club, said he hadn't had a lap dance but the girls come over and chat/touch and flirt trying to sell them a dance basically. I asked him if he thought that was acceptable and he said he gets no kind of affection or attention at home and it gave him an ego boost and made him feel good for a while

I don't know whether I believe his story and I don't know if it matters tbh
I thought our problems were fixable but I just don't know if I can forgive this
I feel like I've been punched in the stomach and I don't know what to do now
I don't want to tell anyone in real life so just putting it here

OP posts:
0dfod · 13/03/2016 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NoCapes · 13/03/2016 20:48

No he wasn't drinking, he was driving, so he definitely had at the very least a couple of lap dances didn't he? Must have.
I can't see a time though, don't think my bank shows times.

Me neither ProfessorPickles me neither Sad

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 13/03/2016 20:49

I wouldn't assume it was his first time...I strongly advise an STD check.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 13/03/2016 20:50

3 young children and he's at a strip club until 3 in the morning?

I would be pretty fucking disgusted at the fact that he would be at a strip club at all. Not everyone will agree with that, but I would really, really want the father of my children to have a little more respect for women than bunging them tenners to get their tits out.

And it's your fault for not having enough sex with him?

I would want to put some significant distance between myself and a man like that.

peggyundercrackers · 13/03/2016 20:50

In a strip club yes the girls will come over and sit on mens knee and try and get them to go dance with them. If men don't play though the girls normally move on to someone else who will give them money.

mumsonthelash · 13/03/2016 20:51

More than a lap dance I would say. Why was he driving is this normal for him on a night out? So he was sober was he? Sounds like he planned it then.

ClarenceTheLion · 13/03/2016 20:54

Where on his t-shirt was the makeup?

mumsonthelash · 13/03/2016 20:54

What an idiot trying to blame you. Don't put up with it.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 13/03/2016 20:56

I am sorry that's your normal OP, it sounds dreadful

This, absolutely.

Your children deserve better than 'dad's at a strip club.'

Original poster
NoCapes · 13/03/2016 20:57

Oh God an STD check?!

Yes he almost always drives when he goes out, he's not a big drinker

Clarence The make up was a big patch of orange on his sleeve (white t-shirt - idiot)

OP posts:
ridemesideways · 13/03/2016 20:57

This isn't a relationship. It sounds like he's checked out of being a responsible and loving partner and father.. regardless of what went on last night.

mumsonthelash · 13/03/2016 20:58

Or a brothel. Sober with one hundred pounds. He may be minimising OP.

Original poster
NoCapes · 13/03/2016 20:58

Yes rideme 'checked out' is exactly the phrase I used too

OP posts:
Fugghetaboutit · 13/03/2016 20:59

More likely an escort. I'd get his phone when he's asleep personally

Ouriana · 13/03/2016 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fugghetaboutit · 13/03/2016 21:00

And check his sat nav/ google maps to see if he's searched recently and where

WishToBeWell · 13/03/2016 21:01

OP Firstly, hugs Flowers

Secondly, and I'm really sorry to write this but I'd feel bad if I didn't', his story doesn't stack up all Sad There are really strict 'no touch' rules in places like that and the only way for that not to be the case would have been for if he has paid for something 'extra'.

Can I ask where on the t-shirt the make-up was? And was it foundationy type make-up where face had been rubbed against it or just lipstick on collar (not that that is ok, but it beats the shit out of foundation halfway down/midriff/bottom of his t-shirt which would inevitabley only be there via oral sex being perfomed SadAngry

And aside from the Q's above, I would second loveys suggestion of STD check too as (& again I'm sorry) it's very unlikely that you have caught him on the very first time he has done something like this and you need to ensure you are safe.

Just massive unMNy {{{hugs}}}

mumsonthelash · 13/03/2016 21:01

If he wasn't drinking what on earth would he be paying for? check past cash ATM and see if there's a pattern. I wouldn't let him know yet till you have checked what he's really doing.
He will be downplaying and minimising.

hareinthemoon · 13/03/2016 21:02

Oh no. This is not ok. Flowers

STBXDH went out till 3am many weekends - he was working - but it was one of the things that did for us. How can you even begin to have a relationship as a couple if he's not there to have a relationship with?

I'm so sorry; I agree it's just so disrespectful.

ProfessorPickles · 13/03/2016 21:03

Yes I'd say a good idea to look at his sat Nav etc or location on iPhone, you can google how to find saved locations if he has one!

His behaviour is vile OP, it is the last thing you need with three kids and one being so young.
Do you have anyone in RL you can talk to?

I'd be asking him to leave for a few days to get some space!

MyMoneyIsAllSpent · 13/03/2016 21:04

Going back a lot of years when my first was born, my Ex was contemplating going out without me. First time ever, since we had become a couple. I was utterly devastated and bereft. I just sat listening to music with some headphones, my back to him but tears were rolling down my cheeks. I knew he was under pressure from a female acquaintance and I knew he really wanted to go, not for her but because he loved to go out and have fun and normally we would have gone together.

He didn't go. I think he really grasped how upset I was, although I didn't say anything. He did end up an Ex at the end of the day. But what I am trying to say is I fully understand how you feel. What he has done, for me, would be totally unacceptable. I am so so sorry that you are going through this. It really is hard when you have a baby. Life changes 100% and it shouldn't just be for you, it should be for him too!

I don't know how you can get past this, if you want to that is. Maybe you should hand him the baby, get yourself out and not come home until 5 am! See how he likes that! Flowers

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 13/03/2016 21:08

Although this advice is very well-meant, I would forget checking sat nav/phone/whatever.

I would get him out of the house until he learns how to see women - including you - in a whole new light. If that doesn't happen, then he doesn't deserve to come back.

He has absolutely no respect whatsoever for you. That leaves you with precious little to work with.

I'm really sorry OP.

Fugghetaboutit · 13/03/2016 21:08

My second dc is 3 months old. My H hasn't been out once since she was born. We have two kids, yes WE, so he's at home helping especially as I'm breastfeeding all night so he's listening out for the toddler. No way would he go out until 3am most nights. And if he did have the odd night out he would probably be home 12 latest until baby is older. It's called being a parent.

Fugghetaboutit · 13/03/2016 21:09

I would want to know if he was out shagging around while I was looking after 3dc but that's me.

WishToBeWell · 13/03/2016 21:11

I'm sorry, X-posted re the t-shirt.

Am so sorry OP, there is zero doubt he is lying to you and I second the others who have said look at past transactions/withdrawls, Sat Nav, Phone etc. If you're able to (although I know from past experience that I would be unable to...) try and remain cool as if you fly off and he know's he's been rumbled he will start to destroy all evidence Angry

If you have access to his PC/laptop it might also be worth checking all of the e-mail folders there (inc trash) to see if he has any memberships of Ashley Madison et al (sorry, feel faintly sick writing that but again, is the voice of my own experience and a couple of girlfriends too)

Ditto check bank accounts for relatively low direct debits etc (for memberships) that might have just flown under your radar previously.

Do you have a RL support network that can kick in for you tomm? I really hope so as this is likely just the beginning of what will be a period of gas-lighting and minimising Sad

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