Support thread for stepchildren

[flippinada]

A place for step children, young and not so young to chat about our experiences, let off steam, and offer/give support.

My dad has told me he lives with guilt and regrets, but he's willing to sweep it all aside for a woman he seems utterly miserable with. I love him, I want to be happy, I don't want to see him alone if that would make him unhappy, but... really?!

Exactly CakeHole! DF has nearly divorced his wife twice. He came to me for advice and I used those exact words about wanting him to be happy and then he stayed with her anyway. I think it's as much to do with him being unwilling to having two failed marriages as it is fear of being alone.

I pray he outlives her as I have a feeling she'll contest the will if she doesn't get everything. And I wouldn't be surprised if I don't get invited to the funeral.

It's like a bereavement in many ways, but worse because it feels more personal than a bereavement.

I always think that really I lost my mum and dad in the same year. It's just it took sixteen more years for my dad to actually die.

it is like a bereavement, but a more drawn out bereavement.

Also, the deceased parent isn't there trying to make it all your fault so they don't have to take responsibility. Hurts like holy living hell to lose a parent, but it hurts in a different and crueller way when the surviving parent gives you the gift of making it All Your Fault.

*It's like a bereavement in many ways, but worse because it feels more personal than a bereavement.

I always think that really I lost my mum and dad in the same year.*

You have summed up exactly how i feel. my mother passed away and within weeks my father was with this woman. She is playing him like a piano and he's so infatuated and blind he's carried away with it all.

I know a few people who work with my fathers GF. Apparently she is known as a trouble maker, a back stabber, two faced and described as a 'handful' and 'mouthy'.

I'm not usually horrible about people's looks but shes massively overweight, thick black eyebrows and bleached white hair. No dress sense and generally a pig in knickers.

What the hell my father sees in her i dont know - just a place to conveniently park his dick.

Aahhhh that feels better.....

You go, Platelet! That sounded therapeutic!

This is a very well-timed thread for me - my dad's had another (mental) health crisis, exacerbated by my SM - and I find it all so difficult to respond to because of the really difficult relationship I have with my dad because of all this history - I hate the thought of him struggling so much, but for the sake of my own mental health I can't do any more for him.

Anyway, it's hugely helpful knowing that others have experienced similar stuff over the years, even if the details of all our stories are different.

I've been enjoying the spring sunshine and gardening this morning so more for you all.

Mine is a sorry tale of EA and neglect. My DF left when I was 15 and married someone 12 years older than me. I'm now 45 and still screwed up. I have a bother who's adored by DF and his wife. The new wife never wanted anything to do with a teenaged DD of her new man. She hates me and she loathes my children. DF simply does not have the spine or care to do anything about it.

I found this article a while ago, and it articulates how I feel and what happened to me so well.

article link

I get round accusations of favouritism by treating both my children and step children with equal disdain.....

"I'm not usually horrible about people's looks but shes massively overweight, thick black eyebrows and bleached white hair. No dress sense and generally a pig in knickers."

This did make me smile Platelet. That is pretty much how I feel about my own stepmum - I mentioned above that she made endless nasty comments about mine and my sisters appearance when we were teens, despite the fact she was and still is heavily overweight herself. Of course there was nothing wrong with how we looked- in fact my sister (who is taller and slimmer than me) was approached by a modelling agency in her teens! It suspect it was just plain old nastiness with hefty dollop of insecurity and jealousy but who knows.

I just want to stress btw I am absolutely not having a dig at people who are overweight because I struggle with weight issues myself.

goodenough I'm sorry to hear that. It seems ridiculously unfair that you are having to deal with this now while your Dad has treated you so abominably in the past. I hope you have som RL support to hekp you deal with all this, because it sucks .

Sherash sorty to hear you have also been there. Sadly, it doesn't seem like an unusual experience. Thank you for linking to that excellent article, it really struck a chord with me.

Does anyone here have problems with their SF?

My mum remarried after divorce, have touch and go relationship with my dad at best.

I just can't stand my SF. He butts into everything, clearly treats his DDs with more respect than he'd ever show any of my siblings. He's rude and abnoxious and I've no idea what my mum sees in him. I'm not afforded any more 'private' time with my mum, I'm 27 and pregnant and I don't want to chat about some things in front of him.

My DH doesn't like him either, and doesn't want our DC to call him granda as he doesn't think he's earned enough respect.

Thanks OP for starting this thread- it's all incredibly familiar (late 70s/80s for me) but I thought me and DB were the only ones with this sort of relationship, we were typical polite, shy kids who were so grateful for any kind of contact with DF we never made any sort of complaint or criticism.
And who knew how many kids are excluded from their parents' weddings?! I was at F and SM house one day on a rare visit and I saw something with her name on and said "oh SM has changed her name?" and F said rather sheepishly that they had got married a few months before...
I've lost count of the times I have offended SM by doing or not doing something eg not putting her name first on a Christmas card! Give it up woman, you've got what you wanted-you destroyed my childhood family and my relationship with my F so no need to twist the knife now. I could go on and on. It's also very sad that there are so many of us in the same boat to you all.

Nickifury

Good Post.

Sorry to hear your stories, Dowhat and Homemade. It does seem like we have fewer problems with stepdads but it's not surprisingly similar things happen.

Constantly offending my SM by doing or not doing something sounds very familiar, Homemade.

Does anyone have a decent relationship with step- or half-siblings from these second families? I haven't seen my (ex)stepbrother and sister in years and never really had a functioning relationship with them. That's fine and I'm not too sad about that, but I also have a half-brother, who I knew as a baby and who I saw growing up, off and on. We've tentatively tried in recent years to build an adult relationship but the shit my SM and Dad dealt us all has really made this difficult. We've been talking about meeting - I haven't seen him in 15 years or so! - but it worries me that we'd have to avoid all talk of my SM - she's his mum and I guess he loves her, but she ruined my childhood/left me all sorts of crap. It'd be a huge elephant in the room...

I guess that's more fallout from my SM and dad's dysfunctional relationship.

Bold:Does anyone have a decent relationship with step- or half-siblings from these second families?

I have a 22 year old half brother (I'm 45). When he was born, I looked after him almost every weekend (corporate high flying parents) and was on first name basis with his day care centre. For years, I knew I was being taken for granted, but I loved him so much and felt needed. Then a moment of reality hit me when it was my 27th birthday and I got a post-it-note on a cheque for $50 saying happy birthday and an envelope with a note in it with about 10 dates they needed me for babysitting - put in my letterbox. No phone call, no visit. DF only called me to ask why I hadn't cashed the cheque and to not confirmed my availability for babysitting. I went NC for about 2 years.

Fast forward to Feb this year at my SIL's 40th party and my half brother was there with his new girlfriend (helping on the bar). I introduced myself to the new girlfriend and she said she was surprised as she didn't know there was a sister.

Sums things up really.

For his 70th, My father took his DW and her adult children for a slap up weekend away, sis and I got the offer of a Sunday lunchtime at a chain Italian. Not even a good one!

That was the final straw fow me, but I'd also had the expectation of gratitude for when, after 10 years, he'd apparently though he has a chance of wangling us an invite for Christmas.... Apart from the fact that these sad fucks wait until after DINNER to open presents, we'd been banned from her (my dad bought it) house, and he'd allowed it.

I put him straight that day, asking him why - when now at the age he was when he cheated on my mum - did he think I'd want to associate with or worse introduce my son to people as immoral as him and his DW? She was and is exceptionally vile, I am largely no contact, I literally cba any more with them.

My dad is aging so now apparently is too old to drive to deliver presents and stuff for my son. I don't care, I just wish he'd leave us alone completely.

My mother and her vile h are another story.

Just venting, it's my DD's birthday on Tuesday, my DF has been NC with me for almost a year because I didn't want anything to do with his vile GF. The NC has been extended to my two DC's too, they get birthday and xmas cards with a tenner shoved in posted by Royal Mail. No phone calls, contact at all apart from that.

I've just heard through my nan (his mother) that his vile GF's daughter is having a baby by CS on Tuesday so he won't be around, he'll be at the hospital all day to see the new baby.

When my DC's were born he hardly showed any interest and certainly didn't come to the hospital to see them, yet to this new baby and the other GC's of his GF's he's the doting grandad.

So my DD, his real GC and this new baby, his 'step' GC will share a birthday yet he's got no time for his real GC's. It boils my blood to the point where I actually want to kill.

Platelet I'm sorry to hear it. The man is contemptible.

It's the sort of ing my dad would do.

His loss.

I know that doesn't help. I know nothing does, but it's him that's wrong, not you. Thank god you have the other decent side to compensate.

I seriously have the rage about it, just wish I could do a 'frozen' and let it go!

I've just read the whole thread, trying not to let it melt my hard heart. Thankfully, I think my crying days over my df are over.

He married again 11years after cheating on my DM. (Not the ow) I was an adult (26), so I was spared any mistreatment as a child.

They married within a year but I was invited. She did the trick of being nice before the ring was on, and then to be fair, she mustered up indifference, rather than mean, spitefulness.

I used to see my dad about 3 times a week. He took me for my shopping on Friday's, as I didn't drive, and he gave me driving lessons. He was also a big fan of the gym, as am I, so we would go once/ twice a week together.

I was a competitive swimmer as a child and it was my dad, who did the majority of the running me about to training 6 times a week, and competitions, all over the north of England.

We were really close.

Then, all of a sudden when I went to visit him, she would stay in the kitchen, or upstairs. I had a newborn at 26, I could be there for over an hour and she wouldn't say hello, or goodbye. It was bizarre. (Although, not so much now I have read such similar stories)

I gave up eventually. I don't go at all anymore. He comes here for all our birthdays, to give Christmas presents and Easter eggs. So, 7 times a year basically. I'm indifferent if he didn't bother. My eldest dd (15) doesn't love him at all ("how can I, I don't know him) .

She has 3 children who are adult now, but were young 9-13, when they met. He has loads of photo's on his phone of their babies, he takes great delight in showing me. I just mutter and placate, and act totally disinterested. Either that, or cause a scene and feel forever shit. (My df is very good at playing the wounded solider)

He also spends a lot of time with his eldest DSD. So much so, that his wife (her own mother) has said " why don't you go and fuck her" classy I think he likes to spend time with DSD, because she shines brightly in her eyes with love and respect and admiration for him. I expect, despite my civility and polite (not at all stilted though) conversation, my eyes reflect disappointment and a distinct lack of respect.

He once let his guard down when he was drunk and told me, that he wasn't sure what I had done to upset his wife (she is not my stepmum) but she doesn't like me. I recently brought up the fact that she hid when I visited, and he tried to say, she was just giving me time to spend with him.

I last saw her on my 40th, I'll be 42 soon. I last saw him at Christmas. I was out when he came around with the Easter eggs. Next dc's birthday is August, so I expect to see him then.

We are the same with regards to dp's df and wife. (Neither dp, myself or his 2 siblings were invited to the wedding) The dc's do not know him at all. Also with a 6th birthday and a 5th birthday coming this year, they have yet to acknowledge that they have a day that they were born on....

She fields all calls. We call her the gatekeeper. All 3 siblings get texts and phone calls from her, not their df. She sends messages trying to facilitate meetings and tells the younger 2 siblings off, for not spending any time with their df!

She wouldn't dare do that to my dp. (10/11 years older than siblings) but she hasnt invited him for a boxing day meal 2 years on a row now. Someone must have said something this year though because we got a- sorry I didn't mean to not invite you, I just didn't think you'd want to come because of the kids- text.

We haven't replied.

She has no kids. Im pretty sure she doesn't actually like them, or understand them.

Except she fawns over her niece (tried to set her up with my dp, despite having met me) and her baby. Had all her family at the end of the table for the boxing day meal, and put the 2 siblings right at the far end, away from their df.

Weak, weak men.

I had to have a smile though, my nan visited them yesterday and they have the first GC staying with them whilst the mum has the 2nd baby. The first child is toddling, about 13 months old. It's been a while since my father had little babies around. My nan says he's stressed, up and down seeing to the baby, the GF is a lazy cow so will expect my father to be at her beck and call. I hope the baby woke every hour for them.
I sincerely hope he's comfortable in the bed he's made for himself.

You have to stop discussing your f with your nan. If your nan is instigating these conversations, you need to tell her that you are very hurt about the fact he's fucked off and living in cloud cuckoo happy families land, and not giving his first dc or real gc a look in, and that while it's nothing she can do anything about, you'd rather not make it a topic for discussion.

If your nan gave a shit, she'd bollock her son and get him to stop being a prick, she sounds like she's taking great pleasure in taking over the details. Be aware that she's his mother and someone made him like that..

Sorry to jump on this thread but I'm a sm and I was interested to read stories of those 'on the other side' as it were.

Weak, weak men

In my case it's been the other way around... my dss was abandoned by his bio mum when she fell for the om when he was one year old. She then went on to marry the om's best mate. Neither bloke wanted anything to do with dss. (he looks a great deal like his dad) Dss has lived with us full time for years now (we have court ordered Residency and I have PR.) His bio mum continues to have 100% NC and has done so for years. Dss doesn't get a phone call or card on his birthday/Christmas, let alone a gift, from her or any of her family. Photographs and school reports that we used to send went unanswered so we stopped. We recently read on Facebook that she's trying for another baby as her dh wants a dd ) Luckily dss feels very much at home with us and has always had an extremely close bond with his dad since birth.

Again, sorry to jump onto the thread but that comment struck a chord with me because if I'd treated dss that way my dh would have told me to take a hike.

I'm sure there are lots of men, that would not put up with sm's treating their step children like crap.

I'm just referring to the men that do allow this to happen. I hope to god that if myself and dp split up, he wouldn't do this, and I honestly believe he wouldn't.

But these other men are weak, for letting these new partners dictate the terms of their relationships with their own flesh and blood.

Oh it wasn't at all a criticism sassandfaff I understood what you meant.

I suppose since I've joined MN I've realised that most people's experience of poor step-parenting/disengagement involves the opposite genders to my own situation if that makes sense. I knew that that was the case already but reading things brings them home I guess.

For example, we have started looking into my adoption of dss (he is 12 and very keen for this to happen) but information about adoption by SMs is comparatively scarce.

Hope I've not caused any offence, there was none intended whatsoever.