Support thread for stepchildren

[flippinada]

A place for step children, young and not so young to chat about our experiences, let off steam, and offer/give support.

I will share this here because I can, now, talk about it.

In early May 2014, I lost my temper. I remember it was a Monday and I rang about something or other and i could tell 'she' was there.

I flung so much at him (bear in mind I'd been sitting on this for twelve years at least at this point) about Christmas alone and the general lack of interest and he agreed, to my shock. His exact words were 'I didn't think of how it looked from your point of view.'

I agreed to go to see him on the Saturday. We had a nice day.

The next week, he died.

I can't help but wonder if I contributed in some way.

I suppose I've had it slightly easier as I have never had to put up with my fathers GF. I just told him from the start I wasn't putting up with her drama. I'd had enough off my EA mother.

I just cannot get over how he can just drop me and his GC's out of his life at the flick of a switch. After a few months of NC I was grieving so much I phoned him - he was so cold and uncaring and said he didnt miss me at all. She was in the background so it was all bravado - to show her she was being 'put first' as she wanted.

Weak, spineless bastard he is.

My brother & I had a horrific time with my stepmother; she was fine whilst she was dating my Father but as soon as that ring was on her finger.... The emotional abuse was relentless. I was about 9 when she sat me down & said that she didn't like me - I wet myself. The EA continued & escalated once my half brother was born - the silence from my family & Father with respect to our situation was deafening.

As an adult I can see that my Father was not a great husband & could have made the situation more bearable for all of us - she was not 100% to blame at all, but as an adult I question why she couldn't just be civil & pretend to tolerate us during our visits. It has been very, very damaging.

I am however, very childish & take great delight to being exceptionally polite & compliment her on her hair & all that when I see her - she can't slate me to anyone but she knows that I don't mean a word of it which makes her eye twitch she's so peeved off ha ha ha

cats I'm sure you didn't contribute. It's good you were able to have a frank discussion about it and spend some time together before he died.

Token she sounds just like my stepmother. Who the hell does that to a child! It makes me so .

I've just remembered something else about my stepmum - as I talk about this I find myself remembering more stuff.

She was obsessed with our appearance and akways commented negatively on it. When I began developing (I was a bit of a late starter) she really stepped it up. One particular comment I remember was that the size of my backside was 'disgusting' and I shouldn't have a bum that size at my age (I was 14). Thing was, she was hugely overweight herself and always had been. My Dad thought it was funny to make comments about it as well.

I thought the surprise wedding thing was just my Dad and SM. It appears it's quite the thing. My dad however didn't even tell us until around a year and a half after the event. I wasn't actually sure what to say, I think I got a out a kind of muted "Congratulations".

Me and my DSIS were adults when she came on the scene which I suppose was better in the sense that we both had our own homes. But ove rthe years she gradually has made it clear we are unwelcome and even my DSIS's IL's were subjected to the 'treatment', upon which they commented "Is she always like that?".

My DS hasn't seen his GF for 3 years now and rarely mentions him. But apparently they are always babysitting for DSGC.

I have been a SM now for 16 years and my SS is now 18. Needless to say I took a very different approach and love seeing my DSS. In fact I just bought DS and DSS easter eggs and am so excited about that. I shall probably embarass DSS but I am very proud to be his SM.

Well done Manatee that is a massive step, I really hope your dad steps up and is a better grandfather to your DC! It would be a great time to make that change, I hope he will appreciate you reaching out.

cats I am sorry for the loss of your dad, and I must say you were absolutely justified in losing your temper, it is to your credit that you managed for so long but you are only human, he was the adult in that situation and did not spare your feelings

Token so sad reading that, I could have written it myself!

Both my SM and SD would totally ignore me, I once counted that my SD (who I lived with, with DM) said 6 words to me in a whole week. I'd speak to him and he would literally pretend I wasn't there. He was an ok dad to his DS, my half-brother, leaving me in no doubt I was the problem.
SM would alternate between ignoring me, and being openly spiteful. After a few years of visiting them she couldn't tolerate me any longer, banned me from their house, and I wasn't invited back for 15 years.
Both SPs, and more importantly, my dad, now act as if nothing ever happened - guess I'm more acceptable as an adult, which is nice to know

Did anyone else grow up believing they were a really bad child? I thought I was a big problem until in my late 20s, I looked back and realised I was quite ordinary, polite and a bit shy and withdrawn. It was a shock!

Shut, yes I thought I was a horrendous child. Badly behaved, stupid, in the way, the cause of all the problems in the world.

It took me years to come to the realisation that I was a pretty easy child!

It also took me reading some things written by adults about their stepchildren to realise this.

Did any of you dare to want to sit next to your parent on the sofa??? Devil child I was!

Yes I did Shut. I was always described as difficult. I really, really wasn't. Just withdrew into myself.

for all who had to lose their childhood to this behaviour.

I guess it wasn't as hard for me as I was an adult (21) by the time they got together.

It has been hard feeling that DS isn't important enough to him for him to make the effort. Sometimes I wonder if I'll actually see him again before he dies. I just feel very sad for what could have been.

Reading these make me realise how fortunate I was with my dad's ex-wife. She clearly didn't like me, I had to wait to be invited round to the house, and I was never invited for Christmas - she used to arrange for them & her 2 children to go away for the holidays so I couldn't see them. BUT she was always careful to be polite as she was scared of my mum, and then when my mum died my dad's family stuck up for me.

It was just so weird though - I had no hard feelings towards her (even tho she had split my parents up) and we actually had loads in common, I think we could have got on really well. She just seemed so obsessed with making them into the perfect little family, and I didn't fit into that picture.

Anyone else watch the series Wanted Down Under? It is seems to be littered with families where the SM/DF wants to emigrate and leave the DSC behind.

I thought I was a horrendous child. Badly behaved, stupid, in the way, the cause of all the problems in the world.

Yes when my stepmother came along, very much so

Though actually I think I was pretty bloody awful, quite objectively. But as an adult it's possible to see that they both could have done things to improve matters and neither did; she made them deliberately worse and Dad went along with it and swallowed every sly manipulative comment she made, then treated me accordingly.

In retrospect even if I'd been an angel she'd never have accepted me, since she's pushed all Dad's friends and family out. But the way I behaved did give her all the ammunition she wanted.

Really crap isn't it lunar and ada, we've grown up seeing ourselves through their eyes, basically. Makes me so angry!

I used to go over and over the awful times in my head, looking for things I may have done to antagonise SM or SD.

I still wonder if I pissed her off because I was so polite and eager to please... constantly asking permission to go to the loo etc. Clearly I felt unwelcome and was on edge as a result, making me nervous and clumsy, and I think that just wound her up even more.

Madison you're quite right, they just can't let go of their 'perfect' family, it is an obsession. All so unnecessary.
My dad left us for SM too. I wonder if the guilt plays a part.

"I still wonder if I pissed her off because I was so polite and eager to please... constantly asking permission to go to the loo etc. Clearly I felt unwelcome and was on edge as a result, making me nervous and clumsy, and I think that just wound her up even more."

Yes to this. I tried so hard to please but couldn't do right for doing wrong. For example, I wasn't allowed in the kitchen to get a drink or a snack because - as I was so stupid and useless - I would probably break something or do something unspecified wrong (despite being a competent cook from quite a young age and managing just fine at home). Yet, if I dared to ask for a drink or a snack (not being allowed to get one myself) that was too much trouble and I was being selfish, lazy and greedy.

Oh, another thing. I had (and still have but it's much more manageable now) a phobia of loud explosions, particularly balloons and fireworks. My stepmum used to make me go to firework displays with them. If I didn't look like I was enjoying myself (well you can see why I wouldn't) I was a miserable bitch spoiling it for everyone.

And again (because one memory triggers another) forcing my sister to take part oin a gymnastics competition despite the fact she had d&v. Claimed she was putting it on. Quite how a child can put on d&v I don't know. My Mum came to the competition she and we were desperate to go and talk to her. We weren't allowed.

I remember having a lightbulb moment in my mid-twenties when it dawned on me that if I was as awful as I was made to feel how did I manage to have such a range of great, loyal, supportive, fun-loving friends? It really was like a switch had been flicked.

I was ignored from about the age of 15 when my younger half brother was born. The lack of relationship with him hurts the most, he was gorgeous & I adored him but she used to take him out whenever we went to my Dad's & now he thinks I'm the devil incarnate. Hopefully one day he will have the desire to know his siblings. One Christmas my Dad was furious with my brother & me for not sending our younger brother any gifts, which we had & had posted in plenty of time, it wasn't until Dad was very ill that he admitted that he'd found them months later in the porch - she had hidden them.

A friend from Uni came back with me one weekend (no idea why we went there, I can't remember) & was in shock about how somebody could blatantly ignore somebody in the same room; she later said that she was so glad it wasn't her life. The last few years (Dad had a terminal illness) I used to have to meet him in a pub. He got rushed to hospital with a complication & she wouldn't tell me how he was - I lived a few hours away & had to phone round the family to find out if 'this was it'.

I just can't imagine treating anyone like this, there's so many instances and occasions that just amount to complete destruction of self esteem & belief.

I'm so saddened to read your histories, it doesn't half bring up memories that I try to keep in a box! It's good to get it out though isn't it, its almost like a despair or grief for the childhood you did deserve.

I'm NC with DF and SM now, which was one of the best decisions I've made. I've experienced;

Not being invited to a wedding,

Watching SC have presents while I stood by and watched, having been given nothing. This was very frequent actually.

Horrible comments from SM about how I believe I'm cleverer, prettier, better at things and more popular that her DC - very odd and went onnfornyears. Anything from swimming to school work!

DF being an excellent GF to the DC ofnatro siblings while ignoring mine.

Unkind remarks from DF presented as constructive criticism using terminology used by SM - her would just regurgitate what she said to him.

Meetings with my DF cut short because she had lost her purse, fallen, had headaches etc and needed him home.

I would point out, Ive had a few SM's. In my experience, they all felt that I was an unfortunate extra AND prioritised their DC to the extent where I was excluded. One was nice once she realised I didn't make a fuss about inequality and accepted my position.

After all these years, I firmly believe that all fault lies with my DF. He could have challenge the behaviours but he always chose not to.

I love my step children and their children are my beloved grandchildren treated in every way the same as my blood dgc. However my step daughter hates me :(
Her two brothers and their wives have a close, loving relationship with dh and me but their sister has gone totally nc and has moved with her dh and ds toCanada. We don't know why. She won't tell anyone why including her brothers or her mum with whom we have a cordial though not close relationship.
It hurts dh so very much. The rest of us,my two dd and 3blood dgc and his 2 sons and their families spend lots of family time together. My dsd receives our gifts for her boy but never ever acknowledges them in any way. We just don't know what to do. She was just 18 when we married and I was not involved in the break up of her parents' marriage ( her mum left my dh for a man much younger than him).
Any ideas? Letters,emails, gifts etc are all totally ignored. Dsd is now 45 years old so I guess it is just too late.

Token It's definitely good to talk about this openly to people who just 'get it'. Once you start the memories keep coming, that's how it feels anyway.

"After all these years, I firmly believe that all fault lies with my DF. He could have challenge the behaviours but he always chose not to."

I agree with this, absolutely. Hell would freeze over before I let a step parent treat my DS the way me and my sister were treated - but my Dad did exactly that.

Mouse that sounds like a very sad situation and I do feel for you. I'm not sure there is much to be done though if someone doesn't want contact - you can't enforce it.

One lovely consequence for us is the way in which , not only my dgc, but also their friends became friends with my step dc. The friendships have endured for 27 years now.
When we all moved in together the 3 boys opted to share my son's tiny room and make the spare room into a teen sitting room.
My dsd was offered the big room but chose to stay with her grandmother until she went to university although, in the early days, she did spend quite a lot of time with us.
The total nc started about 10 years ago when I had breast cancer and her child was a baby.

jesus this thread is unnerving. It's a door that had been mostly closed for a long time ... but so many people have been through the same thing.

yy to so much ... clumsy because of nerves, not allowed in kitchen, not allowed seconds. Everything was lovely when visitors came though and I looked like the awful one (even worse than i actually was ifyswim).

mouse Im so sorry for your experience though. So sad :( I hope healing comes one day. Or at least a reason.

It is isn't it?

I don't know what other people's timescales are but all of this was happening in the mid-late eighties for me. I don't think emotional abuse of childen was even considered a 'thing' then. There definitely wasn't the awareness there is now.