Support thread for stepchildren

[flippinada]

A place for step children, young and not so young to chat about our experiences, let off steam, and offer/give support.

Welcome to the thread Austen - and thanks for the flowers .

cats people knew what was going on. My SM used to make nasty comments about us to anyone who would listen. People who had previously been indifferent to me and my sister would be extra kind after talking to her.

My gran knew a little of what was going on but I don't know how much she knew. She didn't like my SM though.

cats I can understand that, the not having children thing.

My DS has a SM but she seems to have a good relationship with my DS. I encourage him to talk freely about what happens at his Dads and he does. I can't bear the thought of him going through what I did.

which was the other thread, flippinada? very much a stepchild here and totally lost my weak, spineless father to a clever woman who did a great job on her own kids and was awful to me. I realise now that a small handful of people saw what was going on, but most didn't.

Hi OnceAMeer, it's in AIBU and the title is "To feel like my step mum has stolen my Dad". I started a new one here so we could have a space to chat without taking over OPs thread. There seems to be quite a few of us here in the same boat.

When I was about 8/9 my dad married someone 10 years older than me, I say this because I thought she would have been someone I could talk to as our age gap wasn't that big.
I stayed with them every Saturday night and was returned to DM on the Sunday afternoon.
SM seemed ok at first, although not very approachable, but we got on reasonably well. Then one night I had a bad dream and couldn't get back to sleep, so wanted my dad, I knocked on the bedroom door for him, for her to call out 'Oh for fucks sake, shut the fuck up, you fucking bitch!!!' I slowly sauntered back to my bed in silent tears and stayed there.
Come morning my Father doesn't say anything but SM is frosty, and I can't wait to go home. A few days after, we see them sitting at the park not too far from our house, and after saying hi and heading home, I manage to tell her what SM said ... I have never seen my mum go batshit crazy like that, she turned told me to stay where I am, then she turned around and (I presume) had a MASSIVE go at SM. I don't know what was said as my DM had kept me out of earshot, but the whole time my Dad didn't say anything, just had his head in his hands. He then just cut contact and I didn't hear from or see him for a good few years.
I am now a stepmother and mother and make sure I never swear or talk to either my DSD or my DCs like that. I love them all and I want DSD to feel the warmth and welcome feeling I never felt from SM, even if it is 3am
(Wow didn't realise it would be that long for something that seems so petty.)

my mums grave was still freshly dug practically when my dad found a new woman!

Snap - the woman he's with now was sat on his sofa 2 days after my mother passed away. They were old friends by all accounts....

Missruby what a cow! I'm so pleased your Mum stood up for you. It doesn't sound trivial at all.

To be clear to anyone reading this thread who may be a SM and not recognise themselves in these stories, I know perfectly well that loving and healthy step-parent relationships are perfectly possible. My brother has a blended family with one DC on her side and two on his, and while there are frictions like you'd get in any family the affection of both parents for their step-DC is genuine and unforced and all the DC are thriving. But as the adult child of a profoundly toxic step-parent relationship I'm really glad to have found somewhere to vent.

I could tell such stories. The time I turned up at short notice to drop off Christmas presents with DH (then just boyfriend) to be met by SM screeching at me from the front door about how I was wicked and evil and wanted her to die. DH had convinced me to turn up, because 'how could that be bad, that's what families do' and when she reacted like that he was and finally understood what I was up against.

Or when they paid for all of her son's very expensive wedding but none of mine. And only grudgingly turned up. Not that I needed or even wanted the money - we're adults and solvent - but the favouritism still galls.

Or the spurious reasons she has invented for the last four Christmases in a row in order to justify refusing to allow my dad to come and meet us for his annual furlough from captivity. Basically the deal is that I have done something appalling to offend her (the nature of the offence changes every year and having had no contact with her for the last year is no barrier to my committing new offences) and if I want to see Dad, I must first go up to their house alone and submit to several hours' character assassination by her, aka 'clearing the air' before we can all be friends again. The fact that I refuse to do this usually constitutes next year's offence.

I'm pregnant now and a fully expecting that Dad will have little or no contact with his new DGC - the first in the family for a decade. He won't be allowed to. My mum has also remarried and I expect that my child will grow up knowing DSF as the only grandfather he had, with my dad an odd, awkward old man he saw maybe twice in his life

Phew. That feels better. My dilemma is this: I'm practically NC with them, basically because I refuse to play her game as she is batshit and hates me and it's a waste of energy. So do I call and challenge my dad to put his foot down, for the sake of having a relationship with his grandchild? Or do I just give up now?

I agree with you about positive step parenting relationships Manatee. My Stepdad is great and my DS has a good relationship with his StepMum.

Your comment about your Dad not knowing his DGC...I'm sorry to say this has already played out in our family. My DS and my DNs regard my Stepdad as grandpa. They hardly know my Dad. Although in fairness, that's partly through choice because I don't want to expose my Ds to that and my sister feels the same.

Congratulations on your pregnancy by the way :).

Flippinada when my DH was young he had an OK relationship with his SM but when he married and had daughters she started causing trouble. I think it is the female dynamic that they can't stomach. He is virtually NC with his dad now.

Sorry you asked a q. Do you want your DC to know your Dad and have a relationship with him? If they do, it may mean them having to have a relationship with your stepmum as well. It's a really difficult one to answer.

My DS has some contact with my Dad and Stepmum, but it is very limited.

It is also quite telling that we don't need a thread for problem SFs. This is because the SF usually has no problem with a mother/daughter relationship I wonder if sons have more problems with SFs.

Thank you for the solace in this thread! I get on OK with my SM and SD now, both are nice people. My problem is with my Dad since I had DD who is now 4. Since having her my contact with him has lessened considerably because I feel so hurt and angry that he could just up and leave me as a kid, for SM (who was 17 at the time - vom). It was literally like a switch flipping as soon as I had DD and understood parent-child love. I get that relationships don't always work out but I truly could not leave my kids. I couldn't. A man would never ever be worth it. There's also an element of protecting my DD and DS from a man who may begin a relationship and then leave - that's pretty irrational but I definitely feel it. I feel I can't talk to him about it as he would dismiss it (and it does seem silly as I am a grown woman).

Sorry to hear that Kingfisher.

It's interesting what you say about the female dynamic. I know my SM has some weird issues around that. She referred to her own granddaughter, a girl aged 5 mind you, as a "little bitch".

LikeSilver it doesn't sound silly at all. That's our job as parents, isn't it, to look after our DC and protect them.

Also, I think when you have children yourself it often brings unresolved issues and hurts from your own childhood to the fore.

Lovely . That really is awful.

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone on this thread and the other one for sharing your stories. It made me realise that actually I did need to call my dad and lay it on the line, so I just did.

I told him that I know we don't see each other, even though we live barely 40 miles apart, and that this is crackers. That I'm concerned at this rate that he'll never have a relationship with his grandchild. And I asked him what we, or rather specifically he is going to do about that? I said I haven't changed my mind about pandering to SM's bizarre tantrums by pretending to 'apologise' for imagined crimes, because it's a waste of time as she hates me and will just invent new crimes; but that I love him and miss him and want him to have a relationship with his grandchild. So can he please have a think about how he wants to address this and call me back when he's more free to speak (ie when she's not listening in the background).

I don't know if anything will change. But I feel much, much better for having finally laid it at his door, as his responsibility. So thanks everyone for letting me know that what I've been through isn't just me and isn't my fault, and giving me the courage to address it head on.

I'll update you all if anything comes back.

So do I call and challenge my dad to put his foot down, for the sake of having a relationship with his grandchild? Or do I just give up now?

You've probably lost your dad now either way :(

If you don't challenge him, he'll slowly get further and further away from the tenuous relationship you have now.

If you do challenge him, he'll likely withdraw completely. If he had a good relationship with you, he'd have a very angry woman in his house - his wife. But there is just a chance that you might strike a spark and he might stand up for you.

I think your Dad knows what's going on though. The level of venom and frankly instability your step mother has shown can't easily be hidden for long. If he was going to stand up for you, he would probably have done it a long time ago since she's acted so crazed.

Good for you Manatee, that's brilliant! . I really hope it works out and you can salvage your relationship with your Dad.

Kingfisher I know. And that's her own grandchild as well - you can imagine what she was like with me and my sister. I can remember some things but I've blocked a lot of it out.

Oh yes, the sleeping on the floor thing. We had to do that too. When I was older and left for university, my sister still went to my Dads to visit. She wasn't allowed to eat meals with my Dad, Stepmum and stepsibs. She was fed separately in the kitchen.

I still feel terribly guilty for not being there to protect her.

ahem. cross post. sorry !!!

it sounds really constructive that you said all that . I hope he does wake up!

Thank you for this thread, it's always good to be reminded that I wasn't alone as a child, even though I'm sad others went through similar.

I often remind myself that no matter what the adults involved would like to blame me for, I was a child. And blameless for all the fucking stupid selfish decisions made by both parents and step parents in my life.

I don't know how a parent can move on and put a new partner and their children before their own children or have new children and completely discard their first family.

It taught me one thing, I will never be a step mum and I will never bring anyone else into my children's lives.

TBH I don't have much hope that things will change. But I have never before made it explicit that he has a responsibility here to address the situation if he wants it to change. It's always been tiptoed around and excused and blamed on her batshittery, conveniently obscuring the fact that he's condoning her behaviour by his silence.

God, so much on that thread rings true

I think I'm in for the buried & told a month later version
He no longer sees any of his family or friends. Instead only hers yes
He'd directly quote her - he had become a mouthpiece for her, nothing more.
He chose not to be a grandfather to my DC and became a superb grandfather to SS's DC,

I believe I'm out of the will.

As a teen and as an adult, whatever I say is wrong. Get a cheque for the children for xmas or birthday (only contact they have)? He's offended because I don't say thank you enough, if I say thank you enough then I'm too effusive. If I blink at the wrong time, he turned icy cold ... never of course actually -telling- me what I'd done wrong.

So disappointed in him, over and over and over again. Even if it's the definition of madness though, it's impossible to stop quite hoping that one day he'll step up and be a dad / grandad .. even if rationally I know it'll never happen. My head knows im much much better off without his games and permanent wish to find something wrong in me. My heart ... sigh.

Oh god, I'd forgotten about blinking at the wrong time, breathing wrong was a huge issue for my stepmum. It could cause great offence that she couldn't possibly be expected to put up with!