Support thread for stepchildren

[flippinada]

A place for step children, young and not so young to chat about our experiences, let off steam, and offer/give support.

Yes it was mid to late 80s with me flippinada.

Flip, regarding appearance same here. She once talked about how she thought people with big lips were ugly (hers were very thin), out if the blue and went on and on about it, and then said: 'oh finally, so sorry, I've just noticed how big yours are'.

To be fair, she was very unattractive so I assume that little remark made her feel better about herself?

My mothers husband was/is so bad I don't speak anymore. He is so vile that I haven't told him or my birth mother that I have children. They have turned my siblings against me that they bought up (my dad and SM bought me up) after never paid a penny to my upkeep, even begrudged me presents and holidays. I have an elder sister they treated the same but she still tries to see them. I gave up. I found out about their marriage the day before it happened and was told off for not bringing appropriate clothes. We never kept clothes/ stuff at their house as it would be thrown away. I look like my father and I really believe my mother hated me for reminding her of her wrong doing (her husband was the OM, both cheated on spouses).

I find this thread difficult because I had put it all away in my head. It is all triggering memories that actually I think might be better out than in.

My SM took my father away (he let her) when I was a teenager. I had a very close relationship with him that just switched off instantly as soon as she arrived in his house. When I was a small child he did the same with another wife, but there was a gap between women when we were very close (when he needed me probably).

My mother ran off with my SF when I was 5, unfortunately she took me with her. He was/is violent and abusive to both me and my mother. I am nc with him but my mum still sees me. I have never been to her house.

The only safe place I ever had between age 5 and 20 was a few short years when I could go to my dad's in the holidays. My SM took that away. I am not welcome there now.

It really is shit and yet I have got used to it as normal. That isn't right either.

I don't think people were aware, no. But most of these bitches use the same tactics don't they. Control, drip feed of poison to your father, a pre-decided determination to oust the step-child out of their new husband's life.

I admire what you did in talking to your dad like that Manatee, hope it works out better than you expect.

It has made me think that I shouldn't continue to condone my father's / SM's behaviour by my silence either.

Oh Fa that is awful. I'm so sorry :(

I've thought of another one. My DF and SM had a huge row, he took me off with him and she went off with her DC. Over the next few hours my DF apologised for her behaviour towards me and said that he would never let anyone treat me like that again. I was so happy, I thanked him and told him that I accepted his apology. I shared with him all of the awful things I could think of and how I'd felt at the time, I explained that because of her behaviour I'd never been able to enjoy visiting him and just didn't like SM. He was shocked as I'd never been open with him before and told me I should have told him the extent of it sooner. We talked about our feelings and he told me how important I was to him. He dropped me back to my DM's house and he told me he planned to finalise things with SM and he'd ring me in the week.

He didn't ring and I didn't see him for a king time. They'd got back together and he had told her everything that I'd said. I was about 8. The next time I saw her, which must have been months later she was vile towards me. She repeated back to me the things I'd said, told me that she hated me too, that I was awful and unwelcome at their house. My DF was in the next room, didn't come in or try to stop her. Once the abuse was over he drove me back home, in silence and I didn't see him again for what must have been a year.

Don't flippin! you made me cry. I have never really got upset about this before. Stupid as that sounds.

Finally mine wasn't particularly attractive either. Not that I would ever comment negatively on someone's appearance but she certainly did to me and my sister. Her comments mainly focused on how disgusting we were. It started when I was going through puberty.

Sorry for making you cry Fa. It's not stupid to be upset by this, not at all, what you went through was awful .

Finally the betrayal involved there is just beyond terrible. Don't you just want to go back in time and save your little self. They are bastards, yet bastards I have to make polite conversation about holidays with and buy Christmas presents for.

My SM always tells me how much prettier my sister is than me, then she gets my dad to agree with her. SM has massive nostrils, so although I do just take the criticism I do it while staring at her nostrils.

Finally I had a very similar experience. I broke down after a particularly awful visit and my Mum , who was very angry and upset, called my Dad about it.

I don't know what happened but it all got back to my Stepmum who cornered me and my sister on our next visit to say we were nasty tale telling little bitches (yes..it was one of her favourite words). There was no point saying anything to my Dad as he would just look sort of pathetic and say 'I thought you liked her?'

Fa, I am totally NC now and when I feel sad about not seeing my dad, I remember all the little incidents like this to stop the sadness. I take heart in knowing that my DC will never have to be let down by him the way I was .

I'm in awe of you being able to stay in touch though, I haven't got the energy to even try.

I'm another one in the same boat, as is my DH. Thankfully my truly awful SM left DM after 10yrs and almost destroying every relationship he had apart from her. Theirs was another surprise marriage with an added surprise emigration to really distance us from him. Her own kids were removed by social services in her home country, so why my DF felt she was a good addition to our lives is bewildering. But his current wife is lovely, and DF made serious amends once previous SM was gone.

DH has a whole sorry saga of his own. Again an old friend, surprise wedding, and angry at him for not being able to play happy new families. Hes now NC with his Df, largely due to his refusal to challenge his wife's behavior.

Flip, it must been a common feature. It's heartbreaking. I never confided in my DF how I felt about any of his wives after that day, I never told him what they said/ did to me and I never made myself emotionally vulnerable to him ever again.

He used to say I was the strongest, most resilient and kindest person he knew, but you see, he didn't know me at all. He only knew the front I was having to out on to cope with being in his life.

finally that is awful of your father to say he was on yoru side then to completely let you down. Just awful.

I think NC is self preservation. I might be only just realising how bad it all is. The last time I saw my dad and SM I did not sleep all night afterwards. It is very bad for me.

My DH also has a sorry saga, his parents disowned him. We are a fucking mess but at least we understand each other! I'm sure I wouldn't have much in common with a partner from a loving background.

I don't think my Dad would ever leave my SM. She looks after him too well. Plus neither of them seem to have a very high opinion of women so I guess they have that in common.

I have wondered why I keep in contact. My Dad had had moments of kindness. I think that's why.

This thread feels like a can of worms has been opened doesn't it.

I didn't realise how much it all bothered me still.

It's hard isn't it. for us all.

Thanks turkey :)

It was late 80s into late 90s for me.

Fa I'm with you, it's only recently I've felt an absolute rage towards my Dad, SM and SD, I've been normalising it for years, because they have, so actually the EA continues long into adulthood. It is hard to relive the memories but I hope for all of us it is positive

My DH had/has wonderful relationships with his parents. He's mainly shocked when I (rarely) talk about my SM and SD, sympathetic of course, but he can't fathom how much it affects me years later, and that is hard to get across without constantly sounding like a sob story!

I'm sorry to hear of the abuse you and your mum suffered/suffer.
I too felt that my dad's home could have been a refuge for me and would have made a huge difference to my life - unforgivable that our SMs stood in the way of that.

Finally and ada so unbelievably cruel to promise that change and let you down again. I am seeing so many common features in everyone else's stories. It's just awful.

Since having DS I've had many sleepless nights remembering and crying, while they have got away scot free... it's not right. I often imagine some kind of confrontation scenario, but I know nothing will change, I can't hope for any loyalty from my dad, he'll just freak out, deny all knowledge and cut me off for a while.
I wish I had the strength to go NC, it would solve so much.

Sadly I have a similar relationship with my DF and SM, he allows her to completely control his life and her children get treated much better than myself and my brother. Although she treats my brother much more favourably than me, I have previously 'rocked the boat' and said things when she has behaved unreasonably and my brother won't say anything.
My DF and her also got together and she moved in with us, very soon after my DM had died and she was a family friend too.
Although things are not quite as bad as some of you have described, a few incidents particularly stick in my mind - my mum had died around 8 months before and I was upset and she told me to not be so silly as I should be over all that by now! Once she had moved in she found a mother mug that we had bought for my mum in the house and started using it all the time as her special mug! (I took it and hid it as it really upset me). She has also arranged birthday celebrations for my dad, invited all her children/grandchildren/parents/auntie and didn't invite us - I found out after the event and she told my dad that I hadn't been able to come due to no childcare (had a small baby at the time) but I hadn't been invited!
They moved house a few years ago and i arranged to go and see them but when i got there they had gone out as SM daughter had called and wanted something done.
Thankfully I was a teenager when they first got together but it resulted in me moving out ASAP (18).
I manage our relationship by having very low expectations and low contact, after being hurt too many times before. I used to blame her for it all but I have realised he is at least, if not more to blame for allowing it to happen.
The only positive thing that has come out of all of this is that now I am a stepmum, I have a lovely close relationship with my SC, she taught me how NOT to behave as a SM!

Shut I can very much relate to the feeling of anger that they've got away with it. I sometimes fantasise about confrontation but I don't think it'll ever happen. At the moment we are low/no contact and I can handle that although in truth I'd be quite content if I never had to see or speak to my stepmother ever again.

My Gran (my Dads mum) was wonderful and as I think I mentioned before, she had the measure of my my stepmum. Before she died she said to me and ny sister "you will keep in touch with your Dad, won't you?"

I think she knew how things would pan out.

She left some special pieces of furniture in her will to me and my sister. My Dad is taking care of them. I'm scared of what will happen to them if he goes first...it's not about the money but the sentimental value and the connection to my Gran.