7 months in and struggling with new partners sons!!!

[dadaboutthehouse]

hi all.....brand new member so please be gentle:-)

Im a dad to three junior school aged girls and my partner of seven months, has two boys aged 6 and 3......all the kids get on really well with each on the whole and my girls love my new partner, they also love their mums new partner too.....i share custody with my girls mum and I usually see them every day in some capacity.

My problem is predominantly with my GF's 6 year old old, although the lack of respect he shows has a trickle down effect on his younger brother. As time has gone on, I find him to be very disrespectful to both his mother and myself (.....im very big on respect and discipline, i know my girls arent angels, im aware of their flaws and i would be very quick to come down hard on them, if they were ever disrespectful to another adult in my presence)......i also find him to be very sly,calculating and whiny

The 6 year old is clearly her favourite and he is rarely held to account for anything he does, like deliberately hiding my car keys/cash cards when im over there and lets us look for hours before he is found to have been hiding them!!......he has peeled off massive pieces of wallpaper in my home and isnt punished for it, other than a quick telling off.......he is very quick to get his younger brother in trouble with fake crying after a squabble, yet gets away with it loads of times when he does the hitting......im convinced she sees all this but perhaps fears the knives are out for him so tries to play things down....my GF allows me to discipline both boys as i allow her the same with my girls, but i know from instances with members of the public, she hates anyone attempting to tell them off for anything, even when she knows they have needed it......where as i would totally accept a stranger or friends and family telling my kids off for misbehaving.

The oldest walks past the bathroom during the night, to use our en suite sometime 2 to 3 times a night and wakes us up with lights on and talking,often trying to get in with us afterwards and takes the hump when my GF says no (...which then often prompts him to start coughing in his bed for the next half hour, till my GF thinks he needs some asthma meds and starts worrying if he needs the doctors in the morning!!!!).......all attention seeking and purely because he hasnt had his own way.....the cough may continue all night, or come back in a few days......sometimes very voilently and she insists hes a sleep when he does it, but im not convinced!!

i have sleepily raised the point of how coughing fits always follow a no answer to getting in the bed, or a no answer to " can i play on the kindle? " at daft o'clock in the morning!....and my GF doesnt deny it, or admit it...i think she is embarrassed........these broken nights effect everyone the next day and along with the genuine wake ups during the night for sickness,bad dreams etc....take their toll the next day

Acting up at the table, back chat, moodyness etc are all common place and punishment is threatened by their mum often...but they both know really that it rarely happens, especially for the older boy........my GF works in childcare and is very strict with those kids, which seems to baffle me even more!!

she wont usually tell her boys off if we are in public because she doesnt want to embarrass them, but if its serious enough, you shouldnt allow kids that luxury surely??......she talks a lot about not wanting them to be fearful of her, but i think my girls arent fearful of me, they just have a healthy respect!!!......her eldest even tells her off for shouting at him after he has done something and she just kind of takes it!!

im sure its plain to see he's got under my skin, i'm annoyed with my self for this but cant seem to do much about it........very sorry about the length of this post, i could have filled it ten times over with more frustrations:-).......i love my GF and want this to work otherwise i would have called time on the relationship before now, just looking for some input please...thank you

What an annoying thread.

OP had his own agenda, and listening to those who were giving good advice wasn't part of it.

cbigs
Think it's a regional thing. Where in from "girls" really is just a another term meaning female. It doesn't imply age at all. But if someone called me love I'd punch them in the face! And so would most people around here. Same goes for sweetheart and sunshine.

Yes umbongo I totally get that too. I'm not mad on being called love by people I don't know particularly younger than me for example. But girl is a relatively nice , pleasant thing to me. Hiya girls, for example by a taxi driver or whatever. But the whole 'girl belittles women' say, just No. I'm a woman and it doesn't so it's not true across the board by any stretch really.

Perhaps we are from the same area? I'm really very glad that I don't know anyone in real life who holds all the views that are on here.

Amen umbongo . And cheers

Yes it's too early to be sleeping over but having two sons myself, I completely agree they need a firm (loving) hand. Those years before they turn 10 are really important to establish good, respectful behaviour. I've seen plenty of parents who really can't be bothered because disciplining a child takes commitment. And the easy way out is not to.

cbigs and umbongo, it's fine for you not to be bothered about being called 'girls', but surely you recognise that for other people it can be offensive? But I do think sometimes when a man posts that some posters are waiting for them to tread out of line slightly. I've seen similar when OPs have used 'ladies'. The reaction to it can be a bit over the top, and in this case has been provoked further by the OP's general attitude.

Op, I had this with a previous boyfriend's ds. A bloody nightmare, it just got worse and worse, it will make you and the girls miserable. I remember the exhaustion as ex bf son would wake 3 or 4 times a night, wetting the bed, coming in and out of the room, ex thought it was cute did fa about helping son in any way

Tbh, no hope here, just get out of it. You're not suited.

If you cannot see girls as reducing women to pubescent age or adolescent then maybe next time think twice when being patronising. A teacher can say boys and girls because the children are boys and girls. I don't think you will find many university lecturers calling their students boys and girls.

Shows where the priorities lie when the main topic of conversation is the ops choice of language in addressing posters replies. Points scoring usurps all (including 6 yr old boys wellbeing) when it comes to replies on here for the most part. Fake as it gets. All these mother Theresa types showing there true colours.

OP if you and your gf can address the root cause rather than the symptoms you may make some. Will progress

Symptoms = tearing off wallpaper, not sleeping well coughing etc

Root cause = insecurity, need for reassurance from the mother.

These are the problems caused by trying to play happy families and thinking that throwing everyone together and expecting it to be plain sailing from Day 1.

You and your gf need to have a serious conversation when you have time on your own to discuss the big picture of your relationship how you both see your respective DCs routines. Sounds like no set routine is there and children thrive on knowing where they stand. That little boy doesn't know whether he's on his Base or his apex.

It is you and your gfs responsibility to create stability in their lives and that takes time effort and patience.

Posters criticism of language, punctuation etc were imo bcs of your approach, op, to your GF's kids. Then your aggressive refusal to accept what I thought were perfectly reasonable posts following your op. You have to realise people get upset when a little one is being unfairly treated and has become distressed as a result. Eg you don't seem to have any insight into the hidden keys, the tramping through in the night, the asthma, the ripped wallpaper. All you see is he needs to be disciplined.

You want this boy to learn to accept and respond to discipline but you are clearly resistant to this very thing yourself. This is what has got posters backs up - who are worried about the boy far more than they are worried about you. Bcs the boy is defenceless, is clearly distressed by the turn of events (his family dynamic changed beyond description in a very short time) and is very understandably acting out as a result. He may well feel railroaded and unable to catch up emotionally. I would find all this far too quick if it happened to me - and I'm an adult.

If you discipline without knowledge or understanding you come dangerously close to being a bully op.

What SpringyDaffs said, all of it.
I was one of the posters mentioned and she has explained perfectly why I reacted as I did.

I did too bunny, springy.

I self harmed out of hurt because I felt unloved and just wanted to be given affection but no one knew how to interpret the primal scream.

Now I see the signs in these poor little ones who are crying out for help. Discipline and boundaries need to be balanced with love and affection.

This is a relationship of 7m. It's not HIS Responsibility to parent this boy, nor is it his job to provide stability.

It's the mothers job. The boy may be acting out, but she has to regain her ds confidence. She has to instil strength in her son and give him the tools to navigate life.

in my case, my boyf of a year somehow got a martyr feed from his child being "difficult" so fed the drama. My son and I suffered as a result of lack of sleep, inconsistent standards and the boy's need (created by both his parents) to demand and monopolise every aspect of every contact eventually mean that we stopped sleepovers, neither parent bothered to help the poor boy not wet the bed, soaking set after set of (my) bedding, leaving me to deal with it, or worse he'd use flaming hotels and leave the problem for others - therefore all activities stopped and we curtailed visits. Then the boy started waiting until his father was out of earshot to be rude to me and my son. In the end he managed to ruin every aspect of every visit and his father thought it cute.

This was insecurity created and fed by his parents due to their need to be needed and lauded for "putting up with him" utterly unhealthy dynamic.

There is no point attacking the op. He's a boyfriend. Of a few months.

No he shouldn't be so blended so soon. But that's not his fault per se, she has a responsibility to her small children. He has a responsibility to his only.

I had a friend stay with me once who was equally unempathetic to my dd when she was playing up. As the parent, one despairs when one's child is playing up and look for different approaches, but always with the wellbeing of the child in mind. The OP just wants the child's behaviour to be sorted with no thought to the child's wellbeing.

Hi, op. Have you or your gf asked the six year old if he is happy or if anything is on his mind (in simplistic terms, of course)?

and apparently when someone invades your home space, sly,calculating,whiny and all forms of unfavourable behaviour suddenly become ok:-)

I'd love the OP to show that post to his GF.

I get it. My step son is now 7. He is quite manipulative with his dad and mum. He's the only boy and we have 3 elder girls. When he is nice to me I sometimes wonder if I'm being played.

But the thing is I treat everyone the same, play to everyone's strong points. So I cook with those that like cooking etc.

DP is a bit like you and thinks everyone should respect me. My DDs were not that respectful to me after 6 years as their single mum but I didn't really notice it as it was our normal. But it was true. My eldest is 11 and as tall as me. Respect is a complicated issue!!

When DP tells me something hard to hear about my girls I don't like it. And visa versa. But we do it!! We have found family meetings very helpful. Look at the positive discipline books. Particularly when child led they work really well.

Talk to your gf to sort out some common rules if your joint intention is to live together and co-parent. The rules have to apply to everyone equally so you as the parents too.

Also you probably need to back off disciplining her boys and let her do it. Choose your boundaries but go for just one at a time like respect. The loo thing would drive me nuts. But try and roll over and ignore it. If she feels like she has to protect her boys from you it cannot work.

Step parenting is the hardest thing any of us will ever do. But as a step daughter and a step mum I can say it can be ace . Good luck.

Sometimes it's just not possible to have a new relationship according to the rules of mumsnet. My DDs would have taken me hiding my partner from them very badly indeed. They wanted input right from the beginning of the relationship. He is the only DP I've had in the last 8 years.

Likewise they needed to meet his kids although for a long time it was incredibly difficult to achieve as our schedules were not compatible. It required DP to take a day off to achieve it.