7 months in and struggling with new partners sons!!!

[dadaboutthehouse]

hi all.....brand new member so please be gentle:-)

Im a dad to three junior school aged girls and my partner of seven months, has two boys aged 6 and 3......all the kids get on really well with each on the whole and my girls love my new partner, they also love their mums new partner too.....i share custody with my girls mum and I usually see them every day in some capacity.

My problem is predominantly with my GF's 6 year old old, although the lack of respect he shows has a trickle down effect on his younger brother. As time has gone on, I find him to be very disrespectful to both his mother and myself (.....im very big on respect and discipline, i know my girls arent angels, im aware of their flaws and i would be very quick to come down hard on them, if they were ever disrespectful to another adult in my presence)......i also find him to be very sly,calculating and whiny

The 6 year old is clearly her favourite and he is rarely held to account for anything he does, like deliberately hiding my car keys/cash cards when im over there and lets us look for hours before he is found to have been hiding them!!......he has peeled off massive pieces of wallpaper in my home and isnt punished for it, other than a quick telling off.......he is very quick to get his younger brother in trouble with fake crying after a squabble, yet gets away with it loads of times when he does the hitting......im convinced she sees all this but perhaps fears the knives are out for him so tries to play things down....my GF allows me to discipline both boys as i allow her the same with my girls, but i know from instances with members of the public, she hates anyone attempting to tell them off for anything, even when she knows they have needed it......where as i would totally accept a stranger or friends and family telling my kids off for misbehaving.

The oldest walks past the bathroom during the night, to use our en suite sometime 2 to 3 times a night and wakes us up with lights on and talking,often trying to get in with us afterwards and takes the hump when my GF says no (...which then often prompts him to start coughing in his bed for the next half hour, till my GF thinks he needs some asthma meds and starts worrying if he needs the doctors in the morning!!!!).......all attention seeking and purely because he hasnt had his own way.....the cough may continue all night, or come back in a few days......sometimes very voilently and she insists hes a sleep when he does it, but im not convinced!!

i have sleepily raised the point of how coughing fits always follow a no answer to getting in the bed, or a no answer to " can i play on the kindle? " at daft o'clock in the morning!....and my GF doesnt deny it, or admit it...i think she is embarrassed........these broken nights effect everyone the next day and along with the genuine wake ups during the night for sickness,bad dreams etc....take their toll the next day

Acting up at the table, back chat, moodyness etc are all common place and punishment is threatened by their mum often...but they both know really that it rarely happens, especially for the older boy........my GF works in childcare and is very strict with those kids, which seems to baffle me even more!!

she wont usually tell her boys off if we are in public because she doesnt want to embarrass them, but if its serious enough, you shouldnt allow kids that luxury surely??......she talks a lot about not wanting them to be fearful of her, but i think my girls arent fearful of me, they just have a healthy respect!!!......her eldest even tells her off for shouting at him after he has done something and she just kind of takes it!!

im sure its plain to see he's got under my skin, i'm annoyed with my self for this but cant seem to do much about it........very sorry about the length of this post, i could have filled it ten times over with more frustrations:-).......i love my GF and want this to work otherwise i would have called time on the relationship before now, just looking for some input please...thank you

OP, you have had lots of constructive advice, the problem is that you don't like it.

"what you would think if this was happening to you??"

As lots of people have said, it is too soon. So, it isn't a question of staying as you are and trying to get it to work, but recognising that a massive part of the issue is the speed with which you have moved the relationship on.

But also, it is hard enough for a couple with kids together to decide on appropriate parenting, let alone in a blended situation. If you parent in fundamentally different ways the relationship does not have a future.

Oh, and the disgusting way you talk about a 6 year old, together with calling women 'girls', does not paint you in a positive light at all.

Where to start with this?

I resent being called a girl when in my opening line I stated I was a man.

Oh dear OP you are getting a pasting on here, you really should have posted this in Step Parenting - they are less judgemental! Ask MN to move it for you.
I would say have a long think about whether you want to be in a blended family with these kids or not. It won't work unless you and your gf are united and on the same page about discipline and expectations of their behaviour. Maybe she should be stricter but you also will need to ease up on your expectations too. It's all about compromise.
Girls and boys are worlds apart and you need to embrace their differences. I struggled with DSD when I met DP because I'd never had any dealings with a little girl (I have sons and 3 brothers).

Back off a bit and only stay when her DC aren't there. Enjoy being a couple before jumping into the whole blended family thing.

The problem is you're not used to having things pointed out to you in a direct fashion are you? YOU are the one who gets to do that aren't you? Find fault with others "discuss" issues you have and expect solutions to be found etc. no problems with you, not to your way of thinking is there? Except there really is and they've been pointed out to you on this thread and you don't like it much. It's actually really common, lots of Special Snowflakes post her expecting to be stroked and deferred to slightly by The Girls , then they get all affronted when it doesn't go the way they expect.

This would drive me mad too Op. A six year old is NOT a baby. My kids wouldn't have behaved like this at 6. And fwiw, I have a boy and a girl (both now adults), and the girl was much harder work, so I don't buy into the whole "you've got easy girls" argument. I have seen so many situations recently, where parents do not tell their kids off for bad behaviour, and quite frankly, it's driving me nuts! I've seen kids throwing stuff around supermarkets, kicking their parents (I could go on). The Parent will tell the child "Please don't do X", child continues, so Parent rolls eyes and let's the child continue. FFS! Aargh, drives me fecking bonkers. Who the hell is in charge here?

Anyway, you're going to have to have a chat with your GF. I suspect she may be carrying some guilt about splitting up with their Father, and is now over compensating by being too soft with her son. I would tell her what you think is wrong, but I really wouldn't tell this boy off yourself (not this early on), let her parent her own children, it's not your job. Altho, it must be hard when he's doing things like ripping wallpaper off I'd be mad as hell at that

I would only stay over at hers, when you don't have your kids in tow, and maybe she should only stay at yours when she doesn't have her boys in tow?

Tbh, 5 kids in one household would be enough to test my patience, even without the added complication that it's a blended family - remember, it's your choice to spend time with your GF. Your kids and hers would never have chosen this situation for themselves. Her boys would rather be at home with Mum and Dad together and so would your girls. I was told as much many times when I left my kids father.

PS. Lock on bedroom door

"Man of the house"

Do people really still think like this about small children? I have only heard quite old people or rather sexist people come out with that nonsense.

I was actually having quite a shit day but this post has given me a giggle. Poor OP has been blasted

The amount of times posters have said what loads of us think but the rules of mn is your not allowed to say it .

Poor op? Complaining about a little boy coughing in the middle of the night? Childish arrogant man who thinks he knows best about 'respect and discipline.'

'what you would think if this was happening to you??...harsh girls,very harsh!'

It wouldn't because I wouldn't introduce some Johnny Come Lately into my kids' lives 5 minutes after I started dating them.

Poor kids.

You're both poor role models who put yourselves first.

I haven't been a 'girl' in about 30 years, either.

For the descriptors he chose to use about the 6 year old, for his utter lack of self awareness, for putting his sex life and own feelings ahead of the children involved, for calling us 'girls' with no trace of irony.

That's just off the top of my head without having to go back and read the tediously long winded drivel of his OP and subsequent posts again.

thankyou all for your comments, good and bad.......its really been an eye opener:-)

to the several comments about the horrible way ive spoken about a six year old??......ive read back from my posts and dont feel ive been horrible in the slightest.......i fully understand that perhaps he's acting up because his mummies attention may be elsewhere some of the time...my comment about " knives being out " was making the point that ive had occasion to tell him off a few times, and then to listen to his unheartfelt appologies for vandalism etc and didnt want his mum to feel like i have it in for him!...see!! empathy"

....and im certainly not afraid of or out of practice of having things pointed out to me!!!......and no i didnt expect any special treatment, ego stroking, shortlist for parenting awards or any such tripe..........just comments and similar experiences from adults.....and on the whole, thats what ive got

i couldnt go without mentioning that the greatest proportion of responders seemed to gloss over or dismiss the bad behaviour....im sure if your child, or if another child was doing these things....ripping wallpaper off, you would have something to say about it......it appears ive gave at least one or two of you a giggle, so all isnt too bad eh?

i think i'll keep my stories about how i fathered 5 kids by 5 mothers and pay no child support, stole lunch money from kids at school and sometimes help myself to the collection tin at church, to myself for the moment:-)

< simpers and twirls in a girly way if that's what it takes to get the message across to the OP >

Those who are "very big on respect and discipline" are unworthy of respect if they're unable to discipline themselves, as evidenced by your statement that your gf's 6yo ds has "got under my skin, i'm annoyed with my self for this but cant seem to do much about it".

Are you saying that all you can do is bitch and whine about this child because "the 6 year old is clearly her favourite" and you can't accept that you're jealous of the amount of your gf's time he takes up when, in your opinion, she should be devoting her attention to you?

It seems that you expect dc to be seen and not heard unless they're willing to conform to your notion of happy families, and that you expect to impose the same exacting standards you apply to your dc to those of others to whom you are not related.

Where is your gf's ex in this? Is he 'blending' families with another woman's dc, or do his dc have his undivided attention when they spend time with him?

You do realise the one single full stop is sufficient between sentences, don't you.

..............

"Johnny Come Lately"

It was the 'sly, calculating and whiny' that really got my back up too Nicky.
About a 6 yr old child, who's home and space he is invading.

Is the boy asthmatic? You mentioned an inhaler. Night time coughing a very common symptom of poorly controlled asthma. Will also be exacerbated by stress.

Slow the relationship down. Less sleepovers, more time for everyone to get to know one-another. Only then will you be able to judge whether your relationship has a future and whether your families will blend. Protect your daughters' emotions too from 'loving' a GF that may not be a suitable life partner.

.....and ive learnt that im a twat for wanting children, mine aswell....to behave properly:-)

Tbh I am shocked at the lynch mob that have gone after you OP, no need, very childish.

Can only say to you that you are her are too different to make this work, her children are already doing your head in and you don't even live together, I'd stay well away from her domestic situation if I was you and just carry on dating.

You are not an ogre for being disciplined with your kids and I've met parents, including my own sister that let their kids away with murder, in my sister's case it's down to guilt, perhaps your g/f feels this too and excuses their bad behaviour too quickly out of guilt.

Be honest with yourself, could you really handle living with someone else's children - not many of us can.