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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Oh bloody hell [Images may be triggering - warning added by MNHQ]

296 replies

iamacompleteandutteridiot · 06/03/2016 11:42

Name changed. My face is scratched up to shit. Can't leave the house. He is a complete and utter bastard. Reported him so many times and the police don't care. Then again, I am a fool for continuing to see him.

OP posts:
forumdonkey · 06/03/2016 12:33

Go to the police and report it and then if they 'don't care' you can come back and say I told you so. I don't believe for a minute that presenting with those injuries they won't take it seriously.

iamacompleteandutteridiot · 06/03/2016 12:33

And now I have been drinking. That's bas. Not going to ride my horse. Just going to groom him. Kicking my self for being a complete and utter waste of space

OP posts:
Halftruth · 06/03/2016 12:34

It's a dv programme . it could really help you .There all over the country . it could help really in power you

Secretmomma79 · 06/03/2016 12:35

You do not deserve this!!
Massive hugs- have you phoned Women's Aid so they can help you get to a place of safety? 0808 2000 247

iamacompleteandutteridiot · 06/03/2016 12:35

Ok thanks donkey although j don't even know where my nearest police station is?! Will just call 101 when I get back home

OP posts:
aleC4 · 06/03/2016 12:36

I wouldn't ring the police, I would go in person. They need to see your injuries. There's no way they can ignore it then.
I know it will be hard but you have to, for the sake of other women too. You should go before you go to the horse.

sofato5miles · 06/03/2016 12:36

Come on, woman. Get off your bum and go the police station. Stop posting about what an idiot you are and get some control. You can absolutely do it. Take a friend with you. Who is your feistiest friend? Call her.

You don't explain it and lie. Tell the truth, he does not deserve your protection.

PennyHasNoSurname · 06/03/2016 12:37

Seriously you need to walk into your local police station and say "the last time this happened you didnt follow it up - what state do I have to be in before you help?"

iamacompleteandutteridiot · 06/03/2016 12:39

This is all true. Ok. I have rung my sister, she is pretty feisty. She is going to come with me to help with the sodding horse and then the police... Argh. How has my life come to this?

OP posts:
CheersMedea · 06/03/2016 12:40

Just cant bare the thought of having to explain to people...

There is nothing to explain is there?
Concerned friend: Gosh! What happened? Are you OK?
You : I was assaulted.

This really is the least of your problems right now. You need to get away from this man and report him to the police again.

It is that sense of misplaced shame "can't bear the thought of having to explain" that helps DV perpetrators get away with it. This is not your fault.

What would you say/do/think if a woman you worked with walked into work with a black eye? Normal people would be worried for that person, know that the victim is probably scared, may need help and want to actually provide help. No one would think anything bad of you. This is not your fault, any more than it would be if you were stabbed in the street.

Please report it and please do tell people if they ask. It will help you long term to be honest with yourself and others.

pocketsaviour · 06/03/2016 12:40

Have you posted about this man before Op? Does he work at the livery?

CheersMedea · 06/03/2016 12:41

I wouldn't ring the police, I would go in person. They need to see your injuries

Seriously you need to walk into your local police station and say "the last time this happened you didnt follow it up - what state do I have to be in before you help?"

Yes - I agree with ale and Penny - GO THERE.

Shakey15000 · 06/03/2016 12:41

Absolutely take control. Google where your nearest station is. Or go to hospital and get them to ring. Stop whatever you're doing and do it now. You don't deserve this at all but you have to do this.

Morasssassafras · 06/03/2016 12:41
  1. Report to the police.
  1. Ring women's aid to get support.
  1. Set that pic of your face as his picture on your mobile. If you're ever tempted to unblock him then that's what you'll see.

This is not your shame. There are reasons you've accepted being treated this way though and you should find and accept any help to work out why and change your mindset.

forumdonkey · 06/03/2016 12:43

You are getting advice from people who have been exactly where you are and the advice is based on real experiences rather than just opinions. I understand completely your humiliation I still feel it now when I'm asked why I am divorced nearly 9 years later but I tell the truth. I have the benefit of hindsight and I know all the things I didn't do and wished I'd done earlier and this like all the others are advising you with their own experiences. It may seem easier not to report him but there are many reasons why you should that you may not see now but weeks and moths down the line.

aleC4 · 06/03/2016 12:46

Well done for telling your sister and enlisting her help. It's good to have some support and if she's feisty she'll make sure the police listen to you. I'm not at all feisty but if I saw my sister in that state I would be fuming.

clam · 06/03/2016 12:50

This is his shame, not yours.

iamacompleteandutteridiot · 06/03/2016 12:53

Thank you all.i am going to go and see my horse. I look horrific but hey ho

OP posts:
GeekLove · 06/03/2016 12:57

You do that! Remember each step you take is a step further away from him.

Halftruth · 06/03/2016 12:58

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Morgani97 · 06/03/2016 13:02

I care. I've been where you are now,it won't get better it will get worse. Please please go to the police x

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/03/2016 13:15

I sincerely hope you have rethought your position on reporting him.

The police do get frustrated when they get calls about people like your abuser, but then people like you fail to follow through, refuse to have them charged and end up going back to them, of course they do!

But that doesn't mean you should stop reporting him. So report him again.
And then decide to have him charged.
See your doctor, get the damage documented.
And get him charged.
And then make sure you NEVER go back to the fucking bastard again.

How do you explain it? You tell the truth! The worst thing you can do at this stage is make up some bollocks about tripping and hitting a cupboard door, because you're minimising the assault.

You can't bear telling anyone? Why not? YOU didn't do it, did you? HE did. HE is the one at fault, not you. HIS is the shame, the embarrassment of being a bloke who assaults women, not you.

Unfortunately too many women take this shame and embarrassment upon themselves, blaming themselves for the battering - and that's why so many of these fuckers get away with it.

Report him. Charge him. Leave him. Easy for me to say, but harder for you to do - get your sister to help you if you must, but DO IT.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 06/03/2016 13:30

What Thumb said. You have a crime reference no from last time, so it has been logged, despite you saying they are not bothered.
You do not live together. You do not have children together. This honestly is the Least Worst position to get this dealt with. Once you have children, or live together, or are married, it gets much more complicated. Please do it now!

Marchate · 06/03/2016 13:52

Go to the police. Go to A&E. Make a GP appointment for tomorrow. Take photos of all the injuries (your sister could help)

Above all, never let that man near you again. He is a dangerous, violent criminal

CreepingDogFart · 06/03/2016 14:02

Report him.