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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DRY 11

999 replies

TeapotDictator · 04/03/2016 12:08

Time for a shiny new thread.

Old thread here

OP posts:
gruffalo13 · 06/04/2016 13:04

Hi everyone. Can I join you? I'be been sober for a while now - Day 252. It's easier now, but I still have my moments. "Tired of thinking about drinking" Belle, is my coach.
Anyway, hello!

gruffalo13 · 06/04/2016 13:08

Umpteen, it's so like an onion isn't it. Layers and layers of feelings and (for me) emotions hidden with the booze. Learning how to feel, to cope, to live without it.
I cry quite often now, which I never did when I was drinking. Kind of squashed down all my feelings. Now I'm more raw, but it's ok. More authentic I think 👍

DadOnTheComupiter · 06/04/2016 14:42

Hi... I was hesitant to post because I know that a male is generally viewed askance on here.

I was a heavy drinker until December 2014, when I gave it up after the company Christmas party. I hated my relationship with alcohol, how I couldn't resist having one, and after one I couldn't resist another five.

I travel a lot with work (which generally means access to business lounges), and I boarded many a flight having carefully and hastily got myself drunk on the free booze, simply because it was there and I could help myself.

When out in bars with friends I used to worry about how much I was drinking, and watch the level in my friends' glasses, internally urging them to hurry up so that we could get another round without me feeling like a big drinker compared to them.

Also, my father died a couple of years ago. At age 67, he was a functioning alcoholic, and had destroyed many an important relationship through being a right dick when he was drunk and being drunk almost every night. That was the big catalyst for me stopping.

In the early days I actually found it really helpful to tell people why I wasn't drinking, and tell them about my father and my discomfort with my drinking. I found it helped because it burnt my bridges, so to speak - I knew that if they saw me drinking in the future that I'd feel ashamed, weak and pathetic. I suppose it was a good external dose of willpower.

On the whole I found people really supportive, especially the heavy drinkers - most of them said "well done" when I told them, which was good of them.

Also, I was already lurking on your threads before I quit, and have been since. Even though not part of the conversation I really identified with your stories, and it helped me feel not alone and to know that I could do it because so many of you did. Thanks Flowers

Umpteen · 06/04/2016 15:20

Brilliant post, Dadon! Thank you for delurking.

I hear you on the "external dose of willpower". It makes me accountable to others.

donajimena · 06/04/2016 16:24

umpteen yes I feel guilty that I was going to drink.
I know most of them will be fine with it but the one person will probably take it as a personal insult but hey ho! I think this particular person seeks comfort that we all drank way too much.
It will probably be a while before we get together again so I won't have to worry about avoiding it in future.
Its lovely to see so many new faces.
Dadon it doesn't matter that you are male. We are all here for a common goal which is to be happy living AF. Smile

Dvallin · 06/04/2016 16:32

Hi, I adopted a new name just for joining this thread. Blush

April 1st was my first sober day/night, so I guess I'm on day 6.

No one in RL knows of my resolve to give up, but I don't think they knew quite how much I was drinking either.

I'm not the most sociable of people, so I don't have loads of functions/parties/events coming up - I think boredom will be my nemesis!

I thought if I jumped in here, I might find back up in the wee small hours..

BreakingBod · 06/04/2016 17:07

Hello just quickly popping in - day 4 here. I'm soooo tired today, my sleep was much better last night but I still had to drag myself out of bed this morning, feeling hopeful that my sleep is improving though and my body's just in recovery mode.

I most definitely could not contemplate a sober night out yet, I'm already worrying slightly about a wedding we're going to in June, but am trying to forget about it for now and hopefully it'll be an easier situation to deal with once I've got a good sober stretch under my belt. We're going to Spain too, but not til August, so again, I'll worry about that nearer the time.

Have a good sober evening all Brew

Lilybetsey · 06/04/2016 20:19

I'm still me but had to change my name a bit ....

Welcome dadon, have you been sober for 16 months ? That's REALLY cool !

I've had a shit day, kids Fighting all day, achieved nothing at all, barely even got the
Dog walked. Fallen out with my mother - not her fault that she doesn't know how fucking hard it it is for me not to drink, but it is her fault that she's selfish opinionated , and bloody annoying

Hi matron I agree the holidays are a major trigger .... Day 26 today , don't want to drink exactly , but do want oblivion. Relentless sentinence and responsibility feels really hard ...:-(

Lilybetsey · 06/04/2016 20:26

dvalln WELL DONE .... The first week is the hardest physically and you are nearly there xx

bod do NOT think about June ! You don't need to, just think about today :-) X

dona - bottom line is you will not drink now - you have a sober buddy , and you CAN LEAVE AT ANY TIME ,..if it gets too much

gruffalo congratulations on your 252 days xxxx

And gingersam there have been days when I have counted the time in 5 minute increments as it was so hard not to drink ... Keep going xxx it really does get easier

SlimCheesy · 06/04/2016 20:32

leaping in and leaping out. Welcome everyone new. :) So good to have you all.

Dadon welcome..... please do not think we do not want you because you are male!!!! Happy to have you on board.

Thanks everyone. More tomorrow. So excited to see the newbies. :)

AbsoluteBeginner · 06/04/2016 21:14

Welcome Gruffalo Dvallin and Dadon. Respect for 252 days Gruff.
Dadon more posting and less lurking from you please - you evidently have been extremely successful so we could probably all benefit from hearing more. Being a fella is neither here nor there.

LikeaHurricane · 06/04/2016 21:19

Hi all....welcome to all the new posters and well done on making the brave decision to quit. I'm really enjoying reading "Sober Mummy's" blog, whoever recommended it, Thankyou Flowers I like how she explains why some people, like me, simply can't moderate and how those attempts to do so are basically futile and just "reawaken" the wine witch, when what you need to do is starve her and basically kill the bitch!! Grin
So right now, I'm plotting a murder Smile and I'm going to win this battle.

She has also written great posts on allsorts of coping mechanisms and there's lots of tips and articles on things such as manifestation. It's so well written, I'm hooked!!

Absolute, yes!!. The living legend that is Neil Young....DH and I got married to "Like a Hurricane" Smile I'm also "Powderfinger" on some other site....no idea which one though.....

A good technique I've learned recently is not to worry about things unless they are actually happening right now. The days and weeks I've wasted, starting to worry on a Monday about what "family shit" might or might not happen the following weekend. Sometimes it did, sometimes it didn't, but my fretting about it only served to make things worse or hurt and damage me, it certainly never changed or made anything any better. It's actually easier than you think surprisingly!! Just think about today, tonight, right now...

Waves to Donaj, isn't it brilliant that you got that email from your friend and she's quit too!! How fantastic, it's like you've been given a wonderful, special gift Smile
You'll be looking forward to meeting up now and as for the friend who may be insulted by your not drinking???? that's her problem, not yours xx

Keep on sober warriors X

Boodles84 · 06/04/2016 21:30

Evening all 🙋 .

Boodles84 · 06/04/2016 21:51

Woops sorry battery died!
Was just popping in to say hello. I've become a bit of a film fanatic since not drinking and currently watching some awful thing with tom cruise strutting about in a space suit in.
Night all Brew

Umpteen · 07/04/2016 00:25

Gruffalo, hello! Yes yes to squashed down feelings being exposed now. And yes it is raw but real. A better way to live, but quite challenging too, I find.

vxa2 · 07/04/2016 07:41

Hi dvallin gruffalo and dadron

dvallin I am on Day 8 today so just one day difference. Sounds like you are doing brilliantly.

It's interesting what dadron says about other people's response when he said why he had stopped drinking. I have just told a few people - I am just telling my GP and a couple of friends. Although they are all supportive they don't seem to get how bad my drinking had become - even when I explicitly say 1-2 bottles of wine a night, hiding bottles, day time drinking .... They just don't GET it. It's a bit pathetic really but I need people to know how bad it was so they can understand how hard it is.

Yesterday evening was tough but I focussed on 5 minutes at a time and it worked so thank you to everyone who has suggested that approach. Smile

I have my welcome appointment with the alcohol support service tomorrow at 2.00pm. It's a group where they explain the service and what they can offer. I am dreading it. I don't know what to expect. I am even getting worried about what to wear. I will have to go straight from work and I don't really want to be there in my formalish work clothes. Is that really pathetic ??

Enough of me. I hope everyone has a good day Flowers

Dvallin · 07/04/2016 08:19

Hi vxa2 , and others!

I'm doing OK I think, but in my head I fell i should be way further along than 7 days.

Somehow it feels I've been not drinking for much longer, and I ought to have a bigger number for all my efforts Grin. Still, sober is sober, for long as I stay on track.

It's probably a good job it has only been 7 days, as I am eating like a horse.

Bacon sandwiches, cake, curry, noodles - throw it my way, and I'll eat it. Hungry or not.

Weirdly, I've gone right off chocolate. Even the expensive stuff feels like a waste of eating. Luckily, I suddenly feel the same about drinking, which has made this last week not too bad.

I actually wondered whether I might be coming down with something, but I feel fine. Confused

I have a feeling the novelty will wear off soon. Probably during a re-run of 'Rosemary and Thyme'. Can anyone watch that show without reaching for a glass!?

It might as well have been produced by the wine marketing board. Gigantic glasses of wine here, there and everywhere!

gingersam · 07/04/2016 09:37

Thanks lily for the five minutes at a time suggestion glad it not just me ! Am going to keep on trying as the alternative is harming me and my relationships it's been a long time since drinking was linked with any fun for me thanks for all the helpful threads and ideas

gruffalo13 · 07/04/2016 11:52

Hi everyone, thanks for your welcomes.

BreakingBod I couldn't imagine how I would cope with a night out early on either. The first few are different! I felt like going home early, and usually did. Drunk people really irritated me. But I would wake up in the morning and think yay, I'm sober, I can remember everything I did (I'm a black out drunk) and didn't make a fool of myself.
And, it is so much easier now I'm sober much longer. My main concern with nights out is I feel boring when I say no to alcohol, like I'm spoiling the fun or something.

lilybetsey I really sympathise with you having an opinionated mother. Mine is too, and drives me nuts. She also drinks too much, which I find almost intolerable now I'm not drinking.

hurricane I always wondered why I couldn't moderate like others, then just accepted I was different. I never realised it wasn't under my control. I love to read about others who feel the same way, I don't feel so alone and weird. However, I think even normal drinkers can feel that addictive quality of alcohol?

vxa2 well done on your sober week. Totally agree others don't "get" it, when you say you have a drinking problem. I had no outward problems (apart from a marriage breakup, putting myself in dangerous situations, drink driving, embarrassing myself a billion times, injuries etc etc!! But nothing public.) so people just didn't know. Even if I tell them they don't believe me. I just know it's right for me to not drink. I give excuses still, driving, health challenge, dry January or July. My DH knows, and one of my friends. That's it. I would probably only reveal my issues if I wanted to support someone else.

Ooh waffling, sorry!

And I think sober treats are a good thing. I bought myself a treat every few days to start with. A magazine or candle or flowers, something that I associated with caring for myself. I spent less on these treats than on wine each week.
I then told myself "this is your treat for being sober"
As it got easier I tapered it off to once a week then a month etc.

Continued support and best wishes for those in the early stages - it gets SO much better Flowers

DadOnTheComupiter · 07/04/2016 14:31

It really does get better - and you'll be SO MUCH happier than when you were drinking. It's like this huge, messy, dirty, dragging weight evaporates from you, and something you've been worrying about, feeling guilty about, obsessing about for years and years just fades away.

I have other problems, obviously, but drinking was one of the biggest and I miss it not at all.

I like what ginger said - "it's been a long time since drinking was linked with any fun at all". That's how I feel - something that is supposed to be pleasurable turns on you, and becomes nothing but a drag, and a weight, and an anguish.

LikeaHurricane · 07/04/2016 14:52

Gruffalo have a look at this post from Sobermummy's blog - that's where I found that piece of information and it completely makes sense to me! PLEASE don't be frightened by the title....I don't know how to do links so that they are shorter and don't possibly scare people!! Smile And many congratulations on 250 + days!!

mummywasasecretdrinker.blogspot.co.uk/2016/01/are-you-alcoholic.html

I have to say, it is a fabulous resource so thanks to all who recommended it xx

lilybetsy · 07/04/2016 18:53

so so low today. de-motivatesd can be bothered to clean - and the house is a tip, cant be arsed to take the dog out, (Got the kids to do it); cant be bothered to paint, cook, read, anything at all.

think i need to go and have it out ithj my mother

i should feel better; 27 fucking days without a drink and I could slash my wrists :-(

sorry. I know that's not helpful

Lucy2610 · 07/04/2016 18:59

Welcome to all the new people from me too! :) Dad my DH gave up the same time as me so you are in good company well okay 6 days before me Grin
Where are you matron?

Lucy2610 · 07/04/2016 19:02

X-post lily Give yourself a break and go lie in the bath for a bit? Would that help? Can't advise on the DM part - went NC with mine 5 years ago. It can be tough and 27 days is ace so hang in there Flowers

FuzzyWhiteLegs · 07/04/2016 19:52

Evening all! Hello newcomers BrewCakeSmile

Lily are you ok? Hang in there.