Retroactive Jealousy Or Genuine Concerns - Male

[regulardudeguy]

Hi all,

This is very unorthodox but I'm a male and after a female perspective on my current relationship. There's a lot going on so I will be as succinct as possible.

My gf and I have been together nearly a year now. When we first got together it was amazing for me, I'd never really had female attention and I got absolutely drawn in. My gf stated that she left her previous bf of three years because things got stale.

She also disclosed information of her previous relationships/sexual encounters very early on. I'm not that sexually experienced and she did actually say "nobody else I've been with didn't know what they were doing" which I'll be honest had knocked my confidence. Unfortunately, with social media being the way it is I was able to find out who the previous rendezvous were with and none of them are similar to me in any way shape or form.

Previous to entering into this relationship, although I did not have female company and I did miss this everything else was very good. I run a successful business, have a good group of friends, my health and am financially in a good position. I was also extremely enthusiastic about everything and was always excited about going to work. My gf shared these sentiments early on or at least I thought she did.

The next part I'm not at all proud of but by snooping I delved into her previous relationships and without being too specific it alarmed me. I need to work out if previous decisions made will affect future outcomes. Because she's done something before does it mean she will do it again?

Here are some examples:

Splits up with boyfriend of three years after one year. Within a month or so they get back together for another two years. Whilst on a break she has sex with a work colleague three times and does not mention it to her long term bf. To my knowledge he never found out. If this happened to me while I was on a break with someone then got back with them I would let them know what had happened. Three years with someone is a long time.

Goes on holiday, has a holiday romance. Returns to UK and dumps her boyfriend of three years for this guy she met on holiday but to my knowledge does not state she was unfaithful, blames the relationship going stale. Guy she met on holiday doesn't respond to her/promises to come and see her when he comes back to UK on holiday and does not. She contacts him regularly and sends suggestive pictures of her in her lingerie. She did this for me and said that she had never done anything like that before for anyone else, but she had.

Then starts speaking to someone from her workplace who lives over 100 miles away. Goes to see him with her friend (double dating). Ends up sleeping with him, never officially a couple. When challenged about the fact she was seeing guys with her mate and being asked if she was sleeping with someone else by her holiday romance she denies it stating that it is not true.

The only one I seem to share anything in common with is the ex of three years, it seems like he doted on her and was attentive/affectionate. Where she's been hurt she seems to want to go back for more or perversely it's an attractive attribute for her. I cannot be aloof/arrogant or play games, it isn't my style. I'm very genuine with people.

In a sexual context she hasn't given me oral sex and states she's never done it for anyone else. I'm not sure if I believe her at all. I know it's only one point but could be one of many couldn't it?

There's examples of dishonesty above. It makes me question if everything she says to me is actually true. Why is she attracted to me? Do people change? I've been with her for nearly a year and it is great on the whole but these things scare me, my gut instinct is there could be issues.

Girlfriend has said she's never sent risqué photos to others.. But she has

Girlfriend has said she's never done oral sex.... But HAS she?
That's all this bloke has actually asked.

He snooped. Yeah it's a no-no, but a hundred threads on here started by women show again and again how information is gleaned.

Joe said that.

And qualified it by saying IF THATS WHAT YOURE THINKING YOURE WRONG...

I don't understand why the confusion tbh

Who cares if she has performed oral sex on other men. It doesn't mean this bloke is entitled to it from her.

I don't get why this woman's previous sex life is any of his business at all

But then to extrapolate stuff he has gleaned from snooping/interrogating into his own entitlement is proper creepy.

She must have done blow jobs before based on what exactly ? Because her fidelity was sometimes in question ? How does that work ? And even if she had, there is no reason on earth (other than if she wanted to) that he should have any expectations on his own behalf.

As I understand it, it's not about the oral sex per se, it's about honesty and whether she is lying to him, and likely to cheat/dump him.

N different from a female op questioning if a bloke has history of sexting for example, and if he'll cheat on her.

In which case if a guy who has cheated on his wife before starts a new relationship, new gf has no right whatsoever to assume that he'll cheat on her? And his past is not her business?

Perhaps the actual past isn't, but infidelity/integrity and honest are very much the current partners business

Otherwise you run the risk of being naive. We are All entitled to evaluate our partners and decide if we accept them for who they are, or not.

I recently ended a relationship with someone who like me very much. But who wanted to carry on seeing me and others. His honesty is to be lauded, I thanked him for this. However his past, and his proposal were not in tune with my values and expectations. To expect/demand him to change would have been wrong of me.

I don't think I made the wrong decision. I didn't snoop, past seeing his online profile was still active before he spoke to me, and on that basis, I knew I was going to end it. As it was he gave me way more motivation to do so.

But she sounds normal... Not dishonest. She slept with someone when her and her boyfriend had split up, that isn't unfaithful. She broke up with her boyfriend when she met someone else, not unfaithful.

He is the dishonest one, snooping through her whole past on the sly...

The questions about blow jobs and sexting sound very different to me. One is "is he sexting other women, I don't want him to, it feels like cheating". The other is "I think she's given other men oral, I want her to give me oral, is she being dishonest". There's a subtext of "if she's done that with others why not me." It's irrelevant to honesty - she may have said no, she hadn't done it before, because she didn't want to feel pressured to do it again.

She sounds young ....with a completely normal and slightly chequered relationship history but that is all

Slept with someone else while on a "break" ...so what ?

Cheated before leaving another relationship ? These boards are full of that and although its fairly shit to do that it is extremely commonplace.

She didn't deserve the snooping/interrogation she was subjected to. It seems to me that op is inexperienced relative to her...but why does that make it ok to lay her past open to his judgement ?

FWIW, I don't know my H's relationship history prior to meeting me and vice versa. We have never asked, and after more than 20 years of marriage I doubt we will now.

Hissy, we will have to disagree on this one, mate

If she were a bloke I was going out with, I can honestly say I'd be putting the brakes on a bit.

Perhaps the issue is that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, and actually she shouldn't have told him private information, especially if as you say everyone behaves like that.

I don't. Never did do, and tbh if a bloke told me now that he'd treated 3yt relationships like that more than once I'd not be holding out too much hope for our future, and I'd certainly be waiting for a good 3 or 4 years before I felt able to trust him completely. If at all.

That's no way to live.

It doesn't actually say thaY the op felt entitled to a blow job, merely that she'd said one thing, but he doubted her word given she's said similar about risqué shots.

And actually people on boards cheating before leaving a relationship may be commonplace, but it's enough to end a relationship over, and enough to ascertain that the person you're involved with isn't the kind of person you hoped they would be.

As I say, snooping isn't good, But we normally say that if you have to snoop, the trust is already gone.

They don't sound suited. Regardless of anything. He is entitled to form his opinion of her and vice versa

I don't think it's fair to demonise either side in this. The relationship won't work, they aren't suited and each deserves someone more like/accepting of themselves/each other

I agree that this guy is being a bit creepy. I dunno why he's hung up on the oral sex thing, but I can see why i would be offended if my partner refused to go down on me, but would happily do so for all his exes. The trouble here is that he seems to think he can tell by her sexual history that she is the kind of girl who should give him a blowjob, this is enough to set alarm bells ringing.

Knowing someone's relationship history before you get with them would be nice, but the basics would suffice. I can't imagine that after 20 years together you wouldn't have a slight wobble if your husband announced one day - "OMG there's XXX i was besotted with her, she dumped me at the alter after I slept with her mother the night before the wedding, i often wondered what happened to her."

The problem is that you have to trust your partner, whether or not you know some of their history, or think you know it. Blatantly the author of this OP does not trust his GF, and for some reason thinks if he can find out that had some kind of sex with an ex, then he ought to get the same, otherwise she doesn't love him.