Retroactive Jealousy Or Genuine Concerns - Male

[regulardudeguy]

Hi all,

This is very unorthodox but I'm a male and after a female perspective on my current relationship. There's a lot going on so I will be as succinct as possible.

My gf and I have been together nearly a year now. When we first got together it was amazing for me, I'd never really had female attention and I got absolutely drawn in. My gf stated that she left her previous bf of three years because things got stale.

She also disclosed information of her previous relationships/sexual encounters very early on. I'm not that sexually experienced and she did actually say "nobody else I've been with didn't know what they were doing" which I'll be honest had knocked my confidence. Unfortunately, with social media being the way it is I was able to find out who the previous rendezvous were with and none of them are similar to me in any way shape or form.

Previous to entering into this relationship, although I did not have female company and I did miss this everything else was very good. I run a successful business, have a good group of friends, my health and am financially in a good position. I was also extremely enthusiastic about everything and was always excited about going to work. My gf shared these sentiments early on or at least I thought she did.

The next part I'm not at all proud of but by snooping I delved into her previous relationships and without being too specific it alarmed me. I need to work out if previous decisions made will affect future outcomes. Because she's done something before does it mean she will do it again?

Here are some examples:

Splits up with boyfriend of three years after one year. Within a month or so they get back together for another two years. Whilst on a break she has sex with a work colleague three times and does not mention it to her long term bf. To my knowledge he never found out. If this happened to me while I was on a break with someone then got back with them I would let them know what had happened. Three years with someone is a long time.

Goes on holiday, has a holiday romance. Returns to UK and dumps her boyfriend of three years for this guy she met on holiday but to my knowledge does not state she was unfaithful, blames the relationship going stale. Guy she met on holiday doesn't respond to her/promises to come and see her when he comes back to UK on holiday and does not. She contacts him regularly and sends suggestive pictures of her in her lingerie. She did this for me and said that she had never done anything like that before for anyone else, but she had.

Then starts speaking to someone from her workplace who lives over 100 miles away. Goes to see him with her friend (double dating). Ends up sleeping with him, never officially a couple. When challenged about the fact she was seeing guys with her mate and being asked if she was sleeping with someone else by her holiday romance she denies it stating that it is not true.

The only one I seem to share anything in common with is the ex of three years, it seems like he doted on her and was attentive/affectionate. Where she's been hurt she seems to want to go back for more or perversely it's an attractive attribute for her. I cannot be aloof/arrogant or play games, it isn't my style. I'm very genuine with people.

In a sexual context she hasn't given me oral sex and states she's never done it for anyone else. I'm not sure if I believe her at all. I know it's only one point but could be one of many couldn't it?

There's examples of dishonesty above. It makes me question if everything she says to me is actually true. Why is she attracted to me? Do people change? I've been with her for nearly a year and it is great on the whole but these things scare me, my gut instinct is there could be issues.

Thanks for the reply Offred.

I don't think the OP has expressed themselves very clearly and that's a problem. At one point he refers to snooping and at other times he refers to discussions. I tend to think he means discussions because the amount of subsequent detail doesn't read like the sort of information you could get be employing a high end agency to carry out a full background check. To me common sense suggests a discussion. (If it's down to snooping then be afraid, be very afraid).

So in this discussion or discussions his partner reveals that in the past she has had a break from a previous partner and while on this break slept with someone else only to then get back with previous partner and keep the other relationship a secret.

His partner then whilst in a long term relationship goes on holiday and cheats on her other half and subsequently ends that relationship but does not admit to the cheating.

The next bit isn't that clear but seems to be that his partner while in a relationship with the person she met on holiday then sleeps with someone from work but when questioned by her partner denies it.

The oral sex paragraph is weird and I'm not sure what it's about although as I said up thread I think it's a bit of a leap to say that he's stating some sort of entitlement to oral sex.

So, the OP asks, should he trust a partner who by her own admission has not always exhibited total honesty in her relationships?

Does OP sound insecure? Yes. Does he sound misogynist? No, I'm not convinced.

And I don't see much evidence of this attitude that he's brought into the relationship and to which he's made the evidence fit?

The past is the past OP. If you can't accept that then you need to just leave the poor girl alone !

Nope, she told him things about her past and then he snooped/Facebook stalked her exes. That's what he very clearly says.

The oral sex thing is 'but she's a slut, of course she gives BJs. The fact she says she doesn't do them when the evidence has already proved she is a slut is just more evidence that she is a liar'

That's what that is there for. That's why it is included.

Well we can agree to disagree.

It would have been interesting to see what came up in later posts but OP is long gone so that's that.

of course you can disagree, that does rather go without saying, but you have no alternative explanation for oral sex being mentioned do you?

I, and others, think it's pretty clear why that was mentioned...

I've just re-read the OP. I find it odd, and when it gets to the bit about oral sex, downright disturbing. If she doesn't want to give oral, or anything else, that's entirely her prerogative. It's not a question of honesty or not. She doesn't want to do it, end of discussion. If she has done it before, she won't want to tell him, quite understandably given how obviously insecure he is.

No Offred. It's an odd comment. I see that, but in the context of such a badly worded post it just seems slim pickings to convict someone of misogyny. Maybe I just like to give people the benefit of the doubt.

No-one is 'convicting' anyone of anything.

I repeat that there is no other explanation for that comment being offered.

This isn't a court of law. People give their opinion based on what is written by the op.

I think, on balance, I'm happy that Mumsnet isn't part of the legal system although it would make jury service more entertaining.

There would be fewer abusers ruining people's lives, that is for sure

TheGhostOfTroubledJoe - Thank you, you have fundamentally summed it up very neatly there for me.

The oral sex comment looks ridiculous, basically it is just an example of something she said that she has never done like sent risque images to other guys, but she's done that before so I assume there's a possibility that she's not always honest.

I have come across badly here I know but there's some useful advice so I appreciate that.

Really though it is particularly ridiculous to suggest that someone who gives an opinion on a thread on mumsnet is incapable of serving on a jury.

Research into attitudes to jury service has demonstrated that people generally understand what it requires and are able to fulfil the role appropriately because it's a different context, governed by strict rules, with very important consequences for the defendant, than being down the pub or on the Internet.

Anyway, the op has just confirmed that the point of the oral sex comment was what I surmised so a moot point as well as utterly ridiculous...

and somewhat ironic since the op appears to be the one subjecting his gf to a trial by a jury of her peers

i think you've misunderstood me Offred because that's not what I was saying at all. It was a flippant comment about Mumsnet being a lot more entertaining than standard court based legal procedure and that's all. You've read something else into it entirely which, of course, is also somewhat ironic.

Not sure what is ironic about any of that or about not immediately reading hidden context into a comment made by a stranger on the Internet. Anyway, it doesn't matter what your intention may or may not have been when you wrote that post. I did happen to get your hidden meaning but correctly as it happened surmised that the op would not.

Well it's been an interesting discussion but I think I'm done and Lord knows OP you haven't really helped me out here, and me giving you the benefit of the doubt and everything. I can't tell you how much I don't want you to make me look like a fool. Who likes looking like a fool? Nobody.

I'm still not sure about you, but if you are thinking anything remotely along the lines of 'the slut ought to be blowing me because look at all those other blokes she's shagged' then that's some reprehensible misogynistic views right there and you shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone.

As for the rest, if you want a relationship with this person then you have to leave all that past behaviour in the past, start with a blank slate and take a leap of faith, which is really what we all have to do with the people that come into our lives when we accept them.

Why didn't you just say that at the beginning ? You could have yourself a lot of time (and face)

And if by some remote chance this op is 1) genuine or 2) just showing a bit of muddled immaturity around relationships then he will have learned something very, very important

But no ...always there is someone who tries to explain away and mitigate blatant dysfunction. And on this occasion that was you Joe.

Well, I guess I felt that the idea that misogynistic views are reprehensible was so obvious that it didn't need stating.

Also your laying it on a bit thick with the 'explain away and mitigate dysfunction'. That's not what I was doing at all and the suggestion that I was I find pretty offensive. To me there's a world of difference between excusing something and saying, 'hang on let's just think about this before we all pile in because maybe there's another interpretation'.

Are you more than reasonable happy it is the correct interpretation, based on the op and subsequent posts ?

reasonably*

Let me get this straight, every time we see misogyny we should take a step back and consider whether there could be "another interpretation" ?

No thanks. We have had several millenia of utilising that approach, and it's not working.

I don't necessarily think there HAS been misogyny here from the op, he's asking if his girlfriend who has been less than honest in the past, is likely to be less than honest with him.

I don't think op has actually said enough for anyone to be happy or confident to proclaim misogyny, he may have at worst judged his gf, but expression a hatred of women? I can't see that here, no.

The situTion here is no different than with a woman asking if her boyf who has a history of cheating, might cheat on her.

the slut ought to be blowing me because look at all those other blokes she's shagged

Joe summarised it best. Rather ironically