Retroactive Jealousy Or Genuine Concerns - Male

[regulardudeguy]

Hi all,

This is very unorthodox but I'm a male and after a female perspective on my current relationship. There's a lot going on so I will be as succinct as possible.

My gf and I have been together nearly a year now. When we first got together it was amazing for me, I'd never really had female attention and I got absolutely drawn in. My gf stated that she left her previous bf of three years because things got stale.

She also disclosed information of her previous relationships/sexual encounters very early on. I'm not that sexually experienced and she did actually say "nobody else I've been with didn't know what they were doing" which I'll be honest had knocked my confidence. Unfortunately, with social media being the way it is I was able to find out who the previous rendezvous were with and none of them are similar to me in any way shape or form.

Previous to entering into this relationship, although I did not have female company and I did miss this everything else was very good. I run a successful business, have a good group of friends, my health and am financially in a good position. I was also extremely enthusiastic about everything and was always excited about going to work. My gf shared these sentiments early on or at least I thought she did.

The next part I'm not at all proud of but by snooping I delved into her previous relationships and without being too specific it alarmed me. I need to work out if previous decisions made will affect future outcomes. Because she's done something before does it mean she will do it again?

Here are some examples:

Splits up with boyfriend of three years after one year. Within a month or so they get back together for another two years. Whilst on a break she has sex with a work colleague three times and does not mention it to her long term bf. To my knowledge he never found out. If this happened to me while I was on a break with someone then got back with them I would let them know what had happened. Three years with someone is a long time.

Goes on holiday, has a holiday romance. Returns to UK and dumps her boyfriend of three years for this guy she met on holiday but to my knowledge does not state she was unfaithful, blames the relationship going stale. Guy she met on holiday doesn't respond to her/promises to come and see her when he comes back to UK on holiday and does not. She contacts him regularly and sends suggestive pictures of her in her lingerie. She did this for me and said that she had never done anything like that before for anyone else, but she had.

Then starts speaking to someone from her workplace who lives over 100 miles away. Goes to see him with her friend (double dating). Ends up sleeping with him, never officially a couple. When challenged about the fact she was seeing guys with her mate and being asked if she was sleeping with someone else by her holiday romance she denies it stating that it is not true.

The only one I seem to share anything in common with is the ex of three years, it seems like he doted on her and was attentive/affectionate. Where she's been hurt she seems to want to go back for more or perversely it's an attractive attribute for her. I cannot be aloof/arrogant or play games, it isn't my style. I'm very genuine with people.

In a sexual context she hasn't given me oral sex and states she's never done it for anyone else. I'm not sure if I believe her at all. I know it's only one point but could be one of many couldn't it?

There's examples of dishonesty above. It makes me question if everything she says to me is actually true. Why is she attracted to me? Do people change? I've been with her for nearly a year and it is great on the whole but these things scare me, my gut instinct is there could be issues.

You are a fucking creepy stalker and she should run a mile. What the hell is wrong with you ?

AF got there first.

Why are you with her OP? You don't sound like you like women very much.

That op is chock full of misogyny

This thread is chock full of misandry.

Gender aside.

What People do when on a break in a relationship is up to them, the Ross and Rachel friends episode springs to mind.

You do know that your partner has the capacity to lie though so its not looking good. You say you are inexperienced and you also say she told you about her encounters early on. If a bloke had told me all about his previous sex life I would have run a mile.

I would hazard a guess that the detail made you insecure and you seem like you lack confidence generally so you are now obsessed with knowing everything. It's an unhealthy relationship all round.

Thinking snooping is creepy and stalkerish is not misandry since being creepy and stalkerish is not a man thing...

It's simply that the posters who support the op are also snoopers/stalkers and the posters who think it is creepy are opposed to that kind of behaviour.

The op however talks about getting a 'female perspective' and implies that he has decided his gf is a slut and not suitable for him after he conducted a thorough investigation into her past, despite mentioning nothing in his relationship that would give him cause to worry - that's pretty misogynistic.

This thread is chock full of misandry.

Where?

WilLiAmHerschel
This thread is chock full of misandry.

Where?

Really? I've reported one of the worst examples and it's been zapped but the hypocrisy on this thread is staggering considering the usual advice handed out.

Joe, are you missing the dangerous assumption in the op, that suggests that since his girlfriend is very sexual, but has stated that she dislikes a certain sex act, should he be assuming that she's lying?

If my dh told me he didn't like a certain sex act, but had had 30 million sexual partners, what would be my motive to find out if he was lying about doing it in the past?

I would assume that he had, but didn't like it. I would respect my husband. That would be the end of discussion on that act. Anything else would be a strange way to view my husband and his right over his own body.

What he's done in the past? None of my business
What he does with me? Entirely based on what we both like.

See how easily it's applied to both sex?

What you're seeing here is not misandry, it's a lot of people reacting to what appear to be a startling number of red flags displayed by the op.

I do think he shows a complete lack of respect for his girlfriend. I think that he has already crossed a lot of boundaries. The comment about oral sex is the most disturbing. It implies that he thinks he has a right to something, if she did it in the past.

That is my interpretation and I stand by it.

TheGhostOfTroubledJoe like what? Can you show an example?

Morris :o

AF's post was zapped because it could be considered a personal insult not because there was anything in it that could be described as misandry...

Telling someone who happens to be a man that you think their behaviour is not acceptable is not misandry.

And as far as 'the usual advice' is concerned. I am always opposed to snooping/stalking. I have never suggested anyone do it on here.

Misandry is hatred of males.

Give one example of misandry on this thread.

Unless you are suggesting that snooping through your partner's past is an inherently and unavoidably male thing which is integral to being a man and should not be opposed I don't see how you can claim misandry TBH.

That's fine FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse. I'm not saying I'm not uneasy about some of the wording in the OP and I agree that anyone that's interested in this level of detail of about past relationships has some major insecurity going on.

I don't agree with your interpretation of the point about oral sex at all. I don't think it implies that he thinks he has a right to anything.

The OP reads like someone with insecurities that need tackling which does not equate at all to 'creepy', or 'stalker', a 'fucking weirdo', a 'weird fucker' in my world and comments such as 'If you were dating my daughter I would fear for her' are typical of the gender bias found in a lot of the threads on Mumsnet in my opinion. I'll start searching now for a thread in which a woman being advised to search a man's phone, diary or computer for evidence of bad behaviour is described using any of the terms above and will be straight back here the moment I find one.

I think perhaps the assumption that we are all taking about men in general, rather than this man is misandry.

Personally I think men are great. I think the majority of men are good people who would not do the things described in the op.

I think suggesting we would hold women to lower standards is not relevant. I think it gets boring whenever any man posts an issue where they are clearly crossing boundaries, that someone has to come on to the thread and say that the criticism is all down to their sex.

That's not offering help or advice, that's derailing. It's boring and predictable. You want to see different advice? Give different advice. Job done.

Joe, xpost, you'll need to cross reference those with the posters on this thread. Giving other people's opinions won't be relevant.

The op does clearly have issues. If I was his girlfriend I would want him to be honest with me about what he had done, so that I could leave him. Because I would not choose to be with someone who did the things he does. Other posters have said they would be fine with it. Perhaps his girlfriend will be, in which case he should be honest so that he can know.

I think he needs therapy. I think he has severe jealousy issues that need sorting. These things are usually best dealt with whilst single.

I don't approve of snooping, but I could understand someone in a long term relationship, with no jealousy issues, who has found something that doesn't seem right, doing it. I wouldn't say it was right. I could understand it.

I would never see snooping on a new partner in the way the op has as understandable. I would say that if you felt the need to do it, if there was so little trust to start with, that you are no compatible, so should end things before you compromise your integrity.

Op I think basically your girlfriend sounds fairly normal. She's had an active sex life, she's done some things that are maybe a bit unwise in retrospect but most people have. You seem to want to see everything in very black and white terms. Life isn't simple. You can't view people as logical machines.
Your inexperience in comparison is making you insecure and you have succumbed to the mistake of snooping into her past.
You are with your gf now and must ask yourself if you trust her. If she loves you and isn't cheating on you does it matter what happened in the past?

FenellaFieldmouse - Thank you very much, yes you're probably right but you know when you just have to trust your gut? I've procrastinated too long about the situation.

And to everyone else I thank you for your replies. I am sorry if I have come across so weirdly but it's literally a combination of ideas all mixed up in my head. Prior to this relationship, I was in a very strong position in my life, I now feel completely deflated.

I don't have a clue what you're trying to say in your latest post OP.

You sound very confused, I don't think this relationship sounds right for you or her.

I hope you're going to be honest with her about your snooping.

Don't you dare end the relationship and blame it on her past. To either her or yourself.

If you end the relationship you're doing to so because you're jealous and insecure. Own that, and do something about it.

Blaming her in any way, is not on. Her past is HER past. Decisions SHE made. Whether she'd make those decisions again, looking back on them, or if she'd change them if she could is neither here nor there.

She hasn't cheated on you, she hasn't shagged around or done anything wrong WITH YOU. OR TO YOU.

Therefore, it's you being judgemental. So don't lay any blame on her for this.

And yes, you're a weird stalker. If I found out my DH knew things to that level about me, that I hadn't told him. I'd leave him.

My DH knows lots about my sordid past. Including my motivations. If he used my past against me, to justify his paranoia or jealousy, I'd leave him. Because my past is MY past. Not his to judge, or pass comment on. I shared it with him, so he knew me as a person. So he knew who I was. Not because I wanted or needed his judgement.

Think on what you've said, and think of your motivations. And own them as being your downfall. Not hers.

I think your last post is very clear op. You are clear about your great confusion. It's the kind of sentiments MNers would usually have immense patience in supporting the op to come to come clarity. For some reason you're not getting that.

I do think the great confusion and mistrust you are experiencing indicates this relationship is not right for you. I hope you let her go with kindness and dignity.

So because your GF had a perfectly commonplace private life before she was with you, you have had a complete personality change ? Her sex life before she met you has turned you into a different person?

Get some help

And don't start any more relationships until you have

You may find that with the right person you may not be losing the plot. It may be that your gut is so unsettled you're behaving in ways that are appalling to everyone on here, even though plenty of posters post the exact same thing to you. In the right relationship you may find you like and are proud of yourself and your behaviour; no need to turn psycho.

I haven't seen any other posters writing the exact same thing. And if they did, they would certainly get the same reaction from me.

For some reason you're not getting that.

Perhaps it's because the op has seriously and massively invaded his GF's privacy in order to find evidence to back up his insecurity led fears that women who are sexually experienced and enjoy sex are faithless sluts...

The things the op mentioned that triggered his desire to invade her privacy are; she doesn't want to give him a blow job and she once made a fairly mean comment about his sexual prowess that hurt him.

This, I'm sure you can see, is radically different to the other threads that people post when they are considering snooping because their partners have cheated on them before and are being secretive/flirty etc.

On those threads my advice is always snooping is wrong, if you get to the point of wanting to snoop you should leave anyway.