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Original poster

Retroactive Jealousy Or Genuine Concerns - Male

136 replies

regulardudeguy · 03/03/2016 18:24

Hi all,

This is very unorthodox but I'm a male and after a female perspective on my current relationship. There's a lot going on so I will be as succinct as possible.

My gf and I have been together nearly a year now. When we first got together it was amazing for me, I'd never really had female attention and I got absolutely drawn in. My gf stated that she left her previous bf of three years because things got stale.

She also disclosed information of her previous relationships/sexual encounters very early on. I'm not that sexually experienced and she did actually say "nobody else I've been with didn't know what they were doing" which I'll be honest had knocked my confidence. Unfortunately, with social media being the way it is I was able to find out who the previous rendezvous were with and none of them are similar to me in any way shape or form.

Previous to entering into this relationship, although I did not have female company and I did miss this everything else was very good. I run a successful business, have a good group of friends, my health and am financially in a good position. I was also extremely enthusiastic about everything and was always excited about going to work. My gf shared these sentiments early on or at least I thought she did.

The next part I'm not at all proud of but by snooping I delved into her previous relationships and without being too specific it alarmed me. I need to work out if previous decisions made will affect future outcomes. Because she's done something before does it mean she will do it again?

Here are some examples:

Splits up with boyfriend of three years after one year. Within a month or so they get back together for another two years. Whilst on a break she has sex with a work colleague three times and does not mention it to her long term bf. To my knowledge he never found out. If this happened to me while I was on a break with someone then got back with them I would let them know what had happened. Three years with someone is a long time.

Goes on holiday, has a holiday romance. Returns to UK and dumps her boyfriend of three years for this guy she met on holiday but to my knowledge does not state she was unfaithful, blames the relationship going stale. Guy she met on holiday doesn't respond to her/promises to come and see her when he comes back to UK on holiday and does not. She contacts him regularly and sends suggestive pictures of her in her lingerie. She did this for me and said that she had never done anything like that before for anyone else, but she had.

Then starts speaking to someone from her workplace who lives over 100 miles away. Goes to see him with her friend (double dating). Ends up sleeping with him, never officially a couple. When challenged about the fact she was seeing guys with her mate and being asked if she was sleeping with someone else by her holiday romance she denies it stating that it is not true.

The only one I seem to share anything in common with is the ex of three years, it seems like he doted on her and was attentive/affectionate. Where she's been hurt she seems to want to go back for more or perversely it's an attractive attribute for her. I cannot be aloof/arrogant or play games, it isn't my style. I'm very genuine with people.

In a sexual context she hasn't given me oral sex and states she's never done it for anyone else. I'm not sure if I believe her at all. I know it's only one point but could be one of many couldn't it?

There's examples of dishonesty above. It makes me question if everything she says to me is actually true. Why is she attracted to me? Do people change? I've been with her for nearly a year and it is great on the whole but these things scare me, my gut instinct is there could be issues.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 03/03/2016 19:16

I am not a bad person, I just take in a lot of information and process it quickly.

Right, because quick thinkers can't be bad people. Hmm

What an odd thread.

Marchate · 03/03/2016 19:20

Q. Who on earth uses the word lingerie in 2016?
A. Creepy men who read women's private notes

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 03/03/2016 19:24

So the vast majority of information she told you? That there is honesty.

She left out some detail (perhaps due to shame, perhaps because she didn't think it was relevant, perhaps because she guessed -rightly- that you'd judge), as we all do, but you then invaded her privacy to find more. That there is an enormous invasion of privacy.

You think that because she has had sex with other people in the past, she must be lying about not liking oral sex? Whether she's done it before or not, is irrelevant. She doesn't like it. Do you think you might be owed it because she's done it before?! That would be a dangerous and terrifying point of view.

She sounds quite normal. Probably more honest than most people about her past. Definitely a poor judge of character insofar as she told you, and you used that as justification to abuse her trust.

You are not a good partner. She sounds fine.

Claraoswald36 · 03/03/2016 19:25

And he's so bloody....judgey! Like he's risk assessing her.

Dying to know why no previous gfs

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 03/03/2016 19:26

And my advice is please leave her. She doesn't deserve this. Be honest with her about how you have betrayed the trust she put in you.

Then Get yourself some therapy.

DoorOFF · 03/03/2016 19:27

In a sexual context she hasn't given me oral sex and states she's never done it for anyone else. I'm not sure if I believe her at all. I know it's only one point but could be one of many couldn't it?

I have a vision of someone watching porn and listing all the "things he expects his woman to do because he's SO nice to her". Yuck yuck yuck.

Kanewreck · 03/03/2016 19:27

Op, I think that you need to work on your insecurities and confidence. This behaviour isn't healthy. It sounds like this is all new to you. So some stuff to work on.
There was a thread on here about limerick, it featured many posters whom were expressing behaviours similar to yours and losing their minds. So not totally uncommon.
I reckon may be end it and focus your mind on working on yourself.
Good luck

Marchate · 03/03/2016 19:29

I just take in a lot of information and process it quickly

I love that line. I might use it in future when I need an excuse for being a nosey bastard

Kanewreck · 03/03/2016 19:29

*limerence

WilLiAmHerschel · 03/03/2016 19:31

It's strange that you know so much about her past. I had a lot more experience than my dp when we got together, that's just life. Unless you are both virgins it's always going to be that way.

You clearly don't trust her and it's for the best that you end the relationship now IMO.

Hissy · 03/03/2016 21:27

Hold on... Let's reverse the genders here.

Forget how the information came to light.

If I knew all this about a guy I was dating, I'd think to myself that the best way of predicting future is to look at previous behaviour.

This person has a history of deception, discarding partners of some length for instant gratification. This person appears morally incontinent.

Knowing all these details would make me stop and thing very hard about If that person was a "safe bet"

The scales are stacked against this person.

springydaffs · 03/03/2016 21:32

Wow. You're getting a horrible time here op.

I've snooped in the past. It was bcs in my gut I didn't trust him. Turns out my gut was on the money - though nothing turned up in the snooping.

So, why did you snoop? Plenty of posters on here post they've snooped, usually bcs they're frightened. So, why did you snoop?

I might snoop in future should the need arise, even if that makes me a creepy bastard (though if I felt the need to snoop i'd assume I was in the wrong relationship). I wouldn't actually hack into someone's email account though.

It looks like she's a cheat FYI.

Lanark2 · 03/03/2016 21:38

Search for anyfuckers usual responses and you would find that her real response should be 'once a cheater always a cheater LTB, I'm so sorry for you OP'

So you can see the advice is gendered

I would say that you are with an exciting, interesting woman who has a 'dating' approach that she is mixing with the UK 'serial relationship' model, and you seem to like or expect the latter.

True a girl who seems like she sleeps with men 'with ease' would stress out someone who feels vulnerable, but I am comfortable with fast attraction, but can still not do so when I'm with someone I like, and some of my female friends who have been good partners in relationships have also been in past lives that were less structured. The thing to do is trust how you feel with her. One girl I went out with was always saying things like 'you are the first to..' Which is nice to do, and in some ways some of the theatre of relationships, but when she later said 'dontbe silly I did that with x first' I knew she was being an ass and playing games.

For the record, having sex with someone on a break and then telling your new partner is not 'being honest' its damaging.

Hassled · 03/03/2016 21:41

It doesn't really matter what her past was like or whether she's a cheat. What matters is that you are sufficiently unsure of your relationship that you're asking these questions, doing so much digging and posting on internet forums. That's not what a healthy relationship is like. Move on.

SoThatHappened · 03/03/2016 21:42

If someone gave you a nice car you wouldn't worry what roads it's been on, only the ones you'll drive on, right?

Ummmm no.

When I got cheated on, I found out later he'd cheated on everyone else too.

Conduct in previous relationships is relevant. We all behave differently with different people. BUT if someone consistently shows that they lie and cheat, that is not a matter of not having met the right person, it is who you are and who you will continue to be. That was was the advice given to me here!

I will admit it is creepy that he knows so much...but it also may not be. My cheating ex told me snippets of things about past relationships and then later on when I caught him and had it out with him, I realised the monumental lies I'd been told before.

SoThatHappened · 03/03/2016 21:43

I mean would any of you date a previous child molestor or wife beater?

Prior conduct is relevant and cheating is a huge red flag.

AnyFucker · 03/03/2016 21:46

search for my "usual responses" and you will find that I don't advocate either asking or snooping into a partner's previous sexual partners and the details therein

my H knows very little about my sexual history and vice versa

I don't want to know and neither does he...what possible use can that knowledge bring ?

does he need to know how many of my ex partners I performed oral sex on ?

how many times I had another partner while not currently seeing a previous one ?

it's none of his business and he would get told to GTF if he ever expressed even the mildest of curiosity

springydaffs · 03/03/2016 22:07

OK, that's you AF. It wouldn't be me, and I don't think I'm alone with that.

magoria · 03/03/2016 22:20

You don't trust her. You should leave her.

On a break she was single so who ever she slept with it was her business and theirs. No one else's even if she got back with them. She may not have been expecting to get back with her ex when she slept with the other.

She may not have been unfaithful on holiday. She could have come back and ended her relationship because she met and wanted to be with someone else before she slept with them.

If her holiday romance didn't respond or come see her the again it is none of their business if she was sleeping with someone not officially in a relationship. She may not have been sleeping with them when she said she wasn't.

I would be curious how you found out all this in such detail. And if you did it to me I would probably leave you.

Gabilan · 03/03/2016 22:52

In your OP you said you did some snooping. Later you say she told you. Which is it, or did the snooping consist of quizzing her?

IME past behaviour often is an indicator of future behaviour BUT from your post I can't work out what her behaviour is. You sound extremely insecure and quite entitled.

TheNaze73 · 03/03/2016 23:16

As a bloke, I'm appalled by this. She's been open & honest with you & told you everything. She's put it out there for you as she clearly trusts you. She could have just fed you a load of bull hooks about her past. Without wanting to sound rude, the line starts when you start dating, the past is the past. Maybe deal with the real issue here, which I think is your insecurity

RiceCrispieTreats · 03/03/2016 23:28

You are massively insecure, and it sounds like you have been snooping in her communications, which rules YOU out as relationship material.

Or, she honestly told you all that information herself, which means you are being judgemental about someone's past, shared with you in good faith. If you don't want to date such a person, fair enough: don't.

Either way, you should leave this relationship now.

AnyFucker · 04/03/2016 06:56

Past behaviour is an indicator of future behaviour, sure

So weird, snooping, obsessive and fucked up behaviour from the op is not a good start to a relationship.

ChubbyPolecat · 04/03/2016 07:03

You need to tell her how you feel so she can decide if she wants to be with you or not

Seeyounearertime · 04/03/2016 07:19

"Past behaviour is an indicator of future behaviour"

The thing i don't get is how do people find out past behaviours?
Do they put them through intensive interviews on the third date? ask for references from previous partners? Last 5 years Address history and bank statements?

And then there's the whole issue of what the cut off is,
"Well, Marie, you're a lovely girl and i'd love to have a third date but i see here in 1999 you snogged Andrew from accounts at the Christmas party whilst you were going out with Tony from HR. I'm afraid our relationship will have to be drawn to end with immediate effect"

It's bollocks, you will only ever know what someone is willing to tell you so you can either not worry, treat them at face value, or you can go snooping and spying and being a paranoid stalker.