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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH says we are heading for a divorce.....

102 replies

Kidsarebetterthanchocolate · 03/03/2016 08:01

DH is in the spare room as apparently my cold is stopping him sleep. He is a bad sleeper any way.

This morning he was in a foul mood and walked into our room spotted a child in the bed and went off on one about how we are heading for a divorce.

Apparently I spend all my time on the kids and he is forgotten. We spend no time together and it is all my fault.

I am not perfect. I am well aware.

My husband has a very stressful job and is either working away or out of the house 6.50am - 8 or 9pm. He then often takes calls and does more work. He works a lot at the weekend. I am a SAHM.

We have 4 kids - aged 1 -12.

We live along way from family and have only lived in the area 18 months (moved from overseas) so although I know a lot of people to say hi to I know practically no one who could babysit.

I feel like Cinderella - in so far as I seem to spend all my time clearing up after someone (DH as bad as kids), cooking, helping with homework etc etc. I never leave the kitchen/diner in an evening.

My husband is bad tempered and has brief moments of being fun dad - mostly ignores/ shouts at kids and occasional losing it moments were he is too rough with them. I feel like a referee - DH apologise to ds1 you have hurt him etc etc.

Sorry waffle.

I have a bad tempered husband, I'm not exactly loving life myself.

I don't know what to change and I don't know how.

Is everyone like me?

Thank you anyone who has managed to get this far.......

OP posts:
longdiling · 03/03/2016 08:04

Wait, your husband is too rough with the kids and hurts them?! I kind of hope you are heading for divorce...

PennyHasNoSurname · 03/03/2016 08:07

He should count himself lucky you havent divorced him yet. Does he actually participate in family life?

Personally I think the balance in your family is all wrong. You are burdoned with all child rearing, all housekeeping and all the extras that come with running a family. He is burdoned with all the financial responsibility. Presumably there is a lot of resentment on both sides.

Wpuld he entertain reducing his hours (if he does that much weekdays then surely its OTT to then work weekends, unless he is running a country)?

PennyHasNoSurname · 03/03/2016 08:08

Oh gosh I didnt even see the hurt the kods comment

Goingtobeawesome · 03/03/2016 08:09

Sounds like he's lining you up for a case of it is your fault we are getting divorced. I'd get in first..

RiceCrispieTreats · 03/03/2016 08:13

Wtf, he hurts your kids?

Out on his ear. Now.

PurpleWithRed · 03/03/2016 08:17

Sounds like you are, and you'll all be better off for it.

Twunk · 03/03/2016 08:18

He sounds like a horrible bully OP, and part of that is taking all this on yourself as your problem to solve. None of us are perfect but it really does sound like it's him, not you.

Plus if he's hurting the children you should ask him to leave IMO.

Flowers and good luck

Finola1step · 03/03/2016 08:21

He gets too rough with the kids? Is this his way of "releasing" his stress?

Look him straight in the eye and say "I'll start looking for a solicitor then so we can sort the financials". Then over the next few days, gather up all relevant paperwork.

TheNaze73 · 03/03/2016 08:23

Your priority after the children today, should be to see a solicitor. Nothing you have said about him would be deemed acceptable by most people looking at a husband or father

Twinklestein · 03/03/2016 08:24

Why did you have 4 kids with a man who ignores and shouts at them?

Do you actually like him? Not sure what he's bringing to the table apart from income.

YouMakeMyDreams · 03/03/2016 08:25

What going said occurred to me too.
My ex was like this he was an emotionally abusive arsed on top. But he never participated in family life he rarely spent any time with the dc and treated it like he was doing me a huge favour when he did. Then he complained I was always with them that they got all my attention.
What he really meant was that he came and went as he pleased every day of the week and that when he needed attention or more usually sex that I wasn't just sitting waiting for his presence.

When you are in the house and with dc all the time it is hard to switch that off when that is your life with little else in it. It is hard to want to spend time with and have sex with someone who basically ignores you and your needs until the grace you with their presence.
Tbf it doesn't sound like divorce would be the worst thing in the world. My life became far less stressful without him in it and I am married to someone who despite not being my dc's father shares the load both with parenting and the house. That chooses to spend time with me and enjoys it. While my ex turns up every month to 6 weeks takes the kids to his house and stick them in front of the playstation for 24 hours then brings them home. He hasn't leant and he hasn't changed.
I did though and stopped tolerating it and I'm much happier for it.

Kr1stina · 03/03/2016 08:27

Doing all the domestic labour for 6 people and all the childcare and parenting for 4 young children is a more than full time job. I reckon it's a 12-14 hour a day, seven day a week job.

There's no way round this ( assuming you don't want to have your older children become mini parents and bring up the younger ones, like some well known large families ).

If you don't have family support , either your DH does some of it or he earns the money to buy in help. This is if you want to feel less like Cinderella and he wants you to spend time with him .

It will get better as the children get older, once they are all in school . Although the endless hours of picking up after everyone get replaced by being a taxi driver .

IME two things happen then . As soon as all the kids are at school, husbands like yours suddenly become resentful that you might have an hour or so off during the day ( you know, like the lunch hours he's been having for 20 years ) and they pressurise you to get a job . So that you can squeeze all the unpaid work and parenting into 6pm til midnight and weekends .

The other thing than happens is that you realise you have stopped loving your husband years ago ,because he is so selfish and treats you so badly . It's just you were too busy and exhausted to notice .

You realises that he adds nothing to family life and you make plans to leave .

Sorry, I realise I'm probably supposed to post some nice " easy " solution, like get a babysitter , buy sexy underwear and have a date night. Because adding " look gorgeous and perform great sex " to the list of your chores is going to make you fell better . Especially having sex with someone you spend you life picking up after, like another one of your kids. Yeah, it's such a turn on, isn't ? Hmm

But I might as well mention it before some handmaiden does .

Twunk · 03/03/2016 08:28

Don't underestimate that a great deal of your stress is owing to dealing with this man-child. You will quickly find day to day life more manageable without him there - it's good to have a partner but only if they are actually a partner in the real sense of the word.

girlwithagruffalotattoo · 03/03/2016 08:29

"Why did you have 4 kids with a man who ignores and shouts at them?"

Probably not very helpful!! Hmm

OP, it sounds like you'd be in a happier position without him. Is there anything you (and the kids) enjoy about the relationship and having him around?

girlwithagruffalotattoo · 03/03/2016 08:31

He chooses to spend the night in the spare room to get some sleep and that's your fault... how?

AgathaF · 03/03/2016 08:33

What a nasty piece of work he is.

Does he need to work those long hours, or does he do it to avoid being there with his family?

ameliaesmith · 03/03/2016 08:51

This kind of behaviour from men MMTI. IMHO there has to be a way by which you can both move from where you are to a much better place. Divorce isn't the answer, but he needs to be on board with improving your relationship too.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 03/03/2016 08:59

My question would also be why he is working those hours. It's not really sustainable and in a way it's no wonder he's stressed and grumpy and can't be bothered at home*. Is it his choice to work like this, or are you trapped by a huge mortgage/childcare costs if you were to go back to work, or something?

*Please note I am not excusing the laziness, the withdrawal from family life and certainly not the roughness with the children. That's not on. But it sounds as if your family life is all out of kilter, for both of you, with each of you trapped in your roles. And I agree with the PP who says there will be resentment on both sides.

Could you sit down in an evening and talk about the balance of your lives, listen to each other, maybe consider downsizing to free up some time or you going back to work PT? He really needs to pick up his slack around the house (and your older dc should be helping too).

If he is not receptive to that conversation, and certainly if he is not prepared to xhange how he treats the dc, I'm afraid divorce may not be such a bad idea.

Kr1stina · 03/03/2016 09:04

Does he need to work those long hours, or does he do it to avoid being there with his family?

I think there are different types of men who work these very Long hours

  1. Those who have a lot of debt or big family commitments but work in unskilled jobs, so they perhaps do two jobs back to back just to make ends meet
  1. Those who absolutely LOVE their jobs and and building their own very lucrative companies . They are doing this now to be very well off later.
  1. Those who are driven to make it to the top of their professions , they don't need the money, they need the glory and the prestige. They are doing it now to have the money and status later.
  1. Those who pretend they are working all the time but they are not. They are doing other things under the guise of work , such as using porn or having an affair or gambling online or even just avoiding family responsibilities by hanging out at the office / in front of the PC

So the only ones who actually HAVE to work those hours are the first group. The rest are choosing to sacrifice their children and their marriages on the altar of their own ego.

HolditFinger · 03/03/2016 09:05

Wow...is there anything about this marriage that makes it worth staying in it? Sorry OP, but he sounds like a massive turd!

nowyoucmo · 03/03/2016 09:44

You both sound exhausted Flowers

IrianofWay · 03/03/2016 10:20

Call his bluff and agree with him. It sounds like he has more to lose than you do.

Original poster
Kidsarebetterthanchocolate · 03/03/2016 12:24

Thank you so much - more than I can express.

Kr1stina - what words of wisdom - my youngest will be going to a nursery for 2 hours twice a week and my husband has already planned a job (managing properties he is buying) for that time.

We don't have debt - we have a very small mortgage on a big house in the south east of England (so only a fraction of the value of the house).
My husband likes nice things - so he spends a lot especially on his clothes/shoes etc. But he gets paid a lot and gets big bonuses so he can afford to.

I have never really thought about his motives for working all the time. I think it's probably option 3 or 4. People at work think he is amazing and he obviously gets a lot of his confidence from work. (I think secretly he is quite insecure). He is very ambitious and is a Director. Probably 4 too in that he would rather be at work than with us. If one of his friends wants to meet with him or he can play tennis he can finish early. When he is around he will take off and play tennis at the weekend etc but if I ask him if he would like to go somewhere with me and the kids he has work to do and it's never really his thing. He is into porn (I have found magazines/ sites in the computer history - which I have binned/deleted). Many years ago (8ish) he did have an affair (I found out when I went on his email to help him sort out his online banking and saw emails to someone arranging/ discussing meet ups and him explaining how he had lied to her and he was married but separated with one child) we had two children and weren't separated. He also carried on the affair for a while because he felt guilty about lying to her - but not guilty about lying to me and our children.

I'm sure it's stress when he goes for the kids. One of the only compliments he gives me is that I have a lot of patience. He doesn't beat them but he grabs them, or gives them a clip round the ear or makes them trip up - it's done with anger and it upsets them (and me). I have already been called into school as the headteacher and a teacher had concerns about ds1 as he is nervous.

He is part of a large family and his dad was either at work or the golf course. His dad told me he really regretted this when he had grandkids and wished he had enjoyed his kids when they were little. DH never shed a tear when his dad died and I have occasionally asked him why he doesn't want a better relationship with his own kids.

When my husband is away life is so much more pleasant for everyone. Thank you actually reading your responses has helped put me in a - 'divorce wouldn't be the worst thing' frame of mind.

Although I'd like to avoid that.

Youmakemydreams - thank you. I have to admit that if I had had even one child with him before getting married - I never would have got married.

I am in a much better emotional state now -thanks to your kind help and observations.

Thank you.

OP posts:
bb888 · 03/03/2016 12:37

He sounds awful OP, I hope that you can find a way through the situation, and to making things better for your children Flowers

TheStoic · 03/03/2016 12:49

He thinks he's just put you on notice.

If I were you, I'd quit.