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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH says we are heading for a divorce.....

102 replies

Kidsarebetterthanchocolate · 03/03/2016 08:01

DH is in the spare room as apparently my cold is stopping him sleep. He is a bad sleeper any way.

This morning he was in a foul mood and walked into our room spotted a child in the bed and went off on one about how we are heading for a divorce.

Apparently I spend all my time on the kids and he is forgotten. We spend no time together and it is all my fault.

I am not perfect. I am well aware.

My husband has a very stressful job and is either working away or out of the house 6.50am - 8 or 9pm. He then often takes calls and does more work. He works a lot at the weekend. I am a SAHM.

We have 4 kids - aged 1 -12.

We live along way from family and have only lived in the area 18 months (moved from overseas) so although I know a lot of people to say hi to I know practically no one who could babysit.

I feel like Cinderella - in so far as I seem to spend all my time clearing up after someone (DH as bad as kids), cooking, helping with homework etc etc. I never leave the kitchen/diner in an evening.

My husband is bad tempered and has brief moments of being fun dad - mostly ignores/ shouts at kids and occasional losing it moments were he is too rough with them. I feel like a referee - DH apologise to ds1 you have hurt him etc etc.

Sorry waffle.

I have a bad tempered husband, I'm not exactly loving life myself.

I don't know what to change and I don't know how.

Is everyone like me?

Thank you anyone who has managed to get this far.......

OP posts:
HeteronormativeHaybales · 03/03/2016 18:41

He trips them up Shock

That was among the worst of the tactics I suffered at the hands of the school bully. That's cruel and humiliating and demeaning on top of the shock and pain of the fall. A father doing it to his children Shock

Forget my earlier post. Set about getting rid.

WicksEnd · 03/03/2016 18:49

I very rarely post on these types of threads but honestly, your husband is a cunt.
Your bar is set very low indeed.
Protect your poor kids and get them away from him.

sleeponeday · 03/03/2016 18:53

I would see the GP about DS' anxiety and talk to him or her about how DS' father treats him. I would speak to the school along the same lines, and ask for a Family Support Worker referral so your son has some support and a trained adult in his corner. I would do that as a matter of urgent priority because if, as it sounds, he is abusive, then should you split up you need his behaviour on record so there is a paper trail if the children's contact time with him is causing you concerns. A lot of people after bitter splits allege that the other parent is unfit - you need the genuine concerns on the books now. When they will be taken seriously.

notapizzaeater · 03/03/2016 18:54

Other than a pay check (which you'd still,get some if afterwards) what good points does he have ?

sleeponeday · 03/03/2016 18:55

That is what I think you should do in addition to seeing a solicitor and calling a domestic abuse service, btw. Not instead.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/03/2016 19:18

Yes, talk to the school, Women's Aid and a good lawyer. You need to get this man out of your children's lives and yours, as much as possible, so the more evidence you can amass of his abuse the better. It might be possible to have him removed from the family home and legally prevented from returning (a court will prioritize the wellbeing of the children), it might also be possible to keep him to supervised contact only, at which point he may give up and go away.
But don't stay with him. He's a shit. And as others have said, if you do try to 'keep the family together' there is a possibility of the children being taken into care or put on the at-risk register, as no child should have to live with a shitty man who physically hurts them and a mother who does nothing to prevent him from doing so.

LordyGoodness · 03/03/2016 19:22

He sounds horrible, OP Sad.

I honestly think you should seek advice and get away from him.

AnyFucker · 03/03/2016 19:28

your husband is abusive

to you

to your kids

get help and get away from him, before the ability to do that is taken right out of your hands

ravenmum · 03/03/2016 19:57

Tripping them up. They can't walk around in their own home without a big bully hurting them. They can't hide from him as they have nowhere else to go, and can't stand up to him as they would then get into more trouble for being disobedient. My
mum used to hit me, and it was not the pain that hurt most, it was the feeling of being trapped.
This has become your normality now, so you probably can't see how much of a turd your husband is. No doubt there are reasons why he is so cruel - stress, odd upbringing etc. - but you do not have to carry those burdens with him. Maybe he would even benefit from finding out that his bad actions have consequences ... and even the saintliest of saints does not have to be "understanding" when her children can't trust their dad. If you have to make a hard choice, that is not you being horrible to your husband.

LionHearty · 03/03/2016 20:33

OP, what happened to you, that this is acceptable treatment for your childrenSad? Seriously, how is what he is doing, to you, and your children, okay? Why do you feel that divorce Shock is worst that what you are going through? I am aghast. He trips your kids UP

WAKE UP!!!

LionHearty · 03/03/2016 20:35

Come on, you know this is not right.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 03/03/2016 20:39

So when he next says "we are heading divorce" you reply with "bring it on buster".

I'll admit to feeling rather angry with you, op, for sounding so passive in all this. How can you want to spend even another minute with someone who deliberately hurts and humiliates your children?

HortonWho · 03/03/2016 20:53

I too am horrified at the tripping up. As a previous poster pointed out, there is no disguising that as discipline.

I'm trying to imagine my own father tripping me up as a child, and I'm actually bringing myself to tears empathising with your children.

Then I imagine my husband doing that to our children and right or wrong - I'd assault him. I would literally and shove him with all my rage and all 6'2" of him would be on the floor.

How do you not feel that rage when you see it?

What's he done to you, OP?

AnyFucker · 03/03/2016 20:54

Some women put their relationship with a man above the safety of their children.

Is that you, op ?

MiscellaneousAssortment · 03/03/2016 21:02

The contempt in the way that man trips up his children... It's sick.

And a lot more worrying than the hurt it causes at the time.

It's a gesture designed to humiliate and enforce superiority. It's about dominance, and holding someone else in contempt and disgust.

I am hoping you are standing by and letting someone do this to your children because you are in denial, or trapped into trying to minimize and placate him. I hope it's not because you think money and standard of living will make up for the years of abuse.

It's a rather rubbish fact of life that if you're the only adult in this situation who isn't the abuser, the responsibility falls to you to save your children. Even if you're affected by his cruelty, and arena shed yourself, you still need to protect them from this foul man and get them away from this damaging environment. It's rubbish but it's true.

Danceintherain2015 · 03/03/2016 21:59

kds this sounds JUST like my ex and he was certainly in Kristinas No 3 camp till he left with OW!

Like Youmakemydreams I am also with a new DP who appreciates both me and my DC and life couldn't be happier ! The children are happy and successful and my ex continues to suit himself mostly !

This man child seems to add nothing to your or the children's lives!

If school are asking you to go in to discuss your sons anxiety issues, pay careful attention and be mindful that if your child mentions daddy's
' angry " behaviours or the "accidents" he causes , you may have bigger problems on your hands! Protect your children before you protect him!

I am still coming to terms with the fact I was an enabler for my exHs shitty behaviour , and wish I'd left before I did !! It's not easy but he now soends more time with them than he did when we lived together when he was far too "busy" - now we have a court order and he has to!! Oh and he's still miserable !!Smile

Kirk123 · 03/03/2016 22:33

Keep strong , dig deep , your kids are resilent , gather your paperwork money etc and plan your escape route out of this bad relationship , you deserve better❤️

PeppermintPasty · 03/03/2016 22:37

I just can't get over the tripping up thing, let alone anything else. I find that really really shocking and nasty.

Please go and see a solicitor.

GoldfishCrackers · 04/03/2016 01:27

What are your fears about divorce m?

roundaboutthetown · 04/03/2016 03:36

He isn't much of a husband or father, is he? Is he anything other than a source of finance, sperm, infidelity, bad temper and unkindness?

Finola1step · 04/03/2016 07:42

He trips up his own dc. I assume he gets some sort of sick pleasure out of that. The bastard.

You need to protect your dc from him. You should know that but I think he has done such a good job on wearing you down.

This wreck of a marriage is not worth clinging on to. If you do, in 10/15/20 years time you will have to look your child in the eye when they ask you outright why you did nothing to stop their dad abusing them. Stop this now.

Spend the next few days searching for and copying all relevant financial and legal paperwork. Then tell him to leave.

girlwithagruffalotattoo · 04/03/2016 14:53

Stop minimising his abuse. "A clip round the ear"? So this adult man hits small children round the head?
He is making your child's mental health suffer? Give your children a chance at the childhood every child deserves - one free from abuse, anxiety, fear, where they can just be children.

QuiteLikely5 · 04/03/2016 15:09

I wonder if you are reading op but feel lost as how you can respond due to your husbands treatment of your children.............

Tripping someone up is humiliating and dangerous, unfortunately this is something that you are allowing to occur, you are contributing to your children's own emotional damage by standing by and doing nothing.

Why you stay I do not know, yes I can understand it if he was not harming the children and he was a great father but he is harming them.

They may turn out like him, they may trip up their own children, they may enter abusive relationships or become an abuser, please open your eyes to the reality of the damage this man is inflicting upon your children.

You have been looking the other way for far too long

TubbyTabby · 04/03/2016 16:44

divorce.
get your paperwork in order and see a solicitor. don't tell him till you're fully prepared.

tryandtryagain · 04/03/2016 19:00

Leave. The. Bastard.

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